i know what you did last summer rebootThose of us who look back on the nostalgic '90s with fondness did one giant eye-roll in reaction to the news that a reboot of the '97 horror quasi-classic "I Know What You Did Last Summer" is in the works.

Yes, it's too soon. No, we shouldn't be surprised.

Since we have no control over what Hollywood does (or doesn't do), we thought it best to put what needs to be in the reboot out for all the Internet to see. (That way, it's a matter of public record.)

So listen up, Hollywood. Here's what the children of the '90s need to see in an "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer" reboot. Otherwise, we're coming for you.

i know what you did last summer rebootPaper Notes
One of the biggest problems with modern horror is its (usually clunky) inclusion of texts, emails, Facebook, Twitter, and IMs, all of which instantly date the movie. USE PAPER. It never goes out of style. Better yet, why not set it back in '97, when cell phones were a rarity among teenagers. Classic.

i know what you did last summer rebootA Beauty Queen
One element that lent some camp to the original was Sarah Michelle Gellar's beauty queen, Helen Shivers. This device also gave us some great, post-high school, fallen Queen Bee digs: "Is the dried-out, washed-up has-been having a moment?"

i know what you did last summer rebootBitchiness
The original "I Know What You Did Last Summer" oozes conflict. Everyone hates everyone else for some reason or another. And they are all, at some point, horrible to each other. Let's keep that roller coaster ride of one-liners alive and well in the reboot.

i know what you did last summer rebootBoobs
No, they don't have to be Jennifer Love Hewitt's (though, a cameo would be nice). What teen slasher is complete without a big-busted heroine?

i know what you did last summer rebootShirtlessness
Hey, the reboot will be out in 2016, so let's strive for equality. You can't have boobs without a shirtless guy or two. It's only fair. (Also, Ryan Phillippe could probably play this role again; he looks pretty much the same now.)

i know what you did last summer rebootCheap Scares
This is not an atmospheric horror movie, this a SLASHER. Scare the crap out of us, if only for a moment.

i know what you did last summer rebootProlonged Chase Sequences
This should really go without saying, but you can't have a slasher movie without plenty of tension-building chase sequences. This gives the characters ample opportunity to make stupid decisions while the audience yells at them for being dumbasses. Ah, the '90s.

i know what you did last summer rebootA Genuinely Terrifying Villain
Please don't pander. Also, you don't have to up the ante with some kind of "mutant fisherman with a hook-hand." He can just be some creepy guy who gets hit by a car driven by drunk teenagers. Or, why not make it a she instead of a he? Just spit-balling here.

i know what you did last summer rebootAn Appearance by Anne Heche
I mean, why not? She's the one you always forget was in "I Know What You Did Last Summer," yet her role is one of the most unforgettable and WTF-worthy at the same time. She offers up a nice little red herring, and then chops its head off.

Did we miss anything? Tell us what you want to see in the "I Know What You Did Last Summer" reboot on Facebook and Twitter.

categories Movies