There's one thing that sets the Golden Globes apart from most awards shows, and it's not the glamour or the location or the glitz or the fact that they niftily separate nominees between drama and comedy categories. No. It's the booze. Everyone at the Golden Globes has the opportunity, should they so desire, to get stinking drunk. And many of them indulge in this opportunity.
While watching last night we couldn't help but take stock of the most drunken moments of this year's Golden Globes. Please be sure to tell us whether or not you think these were actual drunken moments and what drunken shenanigans we missed while trying to compose clever tweets.
1. Everyone Sweating
Was it a weird trick of the uniformly awful lighting or was everyone sweating? It didn't matter if you were a fresh-faced ingénue or a old-school superstar, everyone got on that stage and looked like they had just participated in a charity dunk booth at a county fair. Either there was something in the desert spread that Lena Dunham had laid out in front of here, or people were hitting the sauce pretty hard. And no, it wasn't a lack of air conditioning.
2. That Weird Camera Angle
Okay, this was something that made us feel drunk, even though the strongest thing we consumed last night was a little cup of mini Oreos -- that camera angle that was just off the stage, that was sort of high but also akimbo. It was totally disorienting and made an already weird even infinitely weirder; this must have been what going through the wormhole looked like at the end of "Interstellar." We're in the fifth dimension now, people. Recognize.
3. Jeremy Renner Mentioning Jennifer Lopez's Breasts
Jeremy Renner is one of those actors who seems almost unnaturally polite (and, if certain rumors are true, wholly uninterested in the fairer sex), which made his mention of Jennifer Lopez's breasts during their joint award presentation even more unnerving. Clearly, Mr. Renner had been indulging in some firewater back stage, unafraid of what the repercussions would be on stage. Also, Lopez looked great and her breasts were so out there that they really didn't need mentioning. She's just Jenny from the block, in case you don't recall.
4. Two Words: Ricky Gervais
If there's one surefire sign that somebody has been drinking, it's probably if they walk onstage holding a giant glass of beer. Gervais then seemed to delight in the unpredictability of what he was going to say, wearing the impish grin of a schoolboy who is about to play a serious prank on his substitute teacher. He lobbed a few pointed barbs at the room full of Hollywood royalty, but it was really his joyful giggle that gave away just how smashed he really was. Maybe they can still get him back for next year?
5. Amy Adams's Acceptance Speech
This is where the line between nervousness and drunkenness blurs uncomfortably: Amy Adams, who won for her performance in "Big Eyes," got on stage and started mumbling about how "ill-prepared" she was, then mentioned someone back home (presumably part of her "team") that is "nurturing twins in her womb" (not really sure what that was about). We suspect that it was a combination of nerves and drink, compacted by the fact that, after winning last year (for "American Hustle"), Adams was totally caught off guard and was, actually, really ill-prepared.
6. Kevin Hart Plugging
While on the red carpet, Kevin Hart could not shut up about "The Wedding Ringer," his comedy with Josh Gad that opens this Friday. So it's not that much of a surprise that, well into the awards show and with a few drinks under his belt, Hart would awkwardly try and talk up the film while presented with Salma Hayek. Then there was the moment, when they were actually making the announcement of who won, when Hart just talked over Hayek. It could have been a rehearsed bit but she looked pretty annoyed.
7. The Bill Hader/Kristin Wiig Shtick
One of the highlights of the entire show, undoubtedly, was the Bill Hader/Kristin Wiig bit where they did painfully bad impressions of famous movie scenes, complete with dialogue that was vaguely like the actual words but also not at all. (This reeks of something that awards show writer Seth Meyers came up with.) Anyway, the two were giggling so compulsively and were so unabashedly into this bit that they must have had some, er, lubrication beforehand. They also looked really, really red and while it might have been the aforementioned technical glitch that made everyone look like they had just emerged from a community swimming pool, we think that it was probably something else altogether.
8. Lily Tomlin Admitting She Was High on the Set of '9 to 5'
9. Kevin Spacey Said the F-Word
Spacey is a class act, who had been nominated a bunch of times and rightfully won for his performance as a slippery Vice President in "House of Cards" and his speech was really powerful, recounting the words of a dying filmmaker and vowing, himself, to "be better." But then he also said the F-word on a live television broadcast (the slight delay clipped the profanity from the show), which suggests that in addition to being appreciative and heartfelt he was also a little sauced.
10. Matthew McConaughey Sans Jacket
That's when you know that somebody is hot and soused: they take off their tuxedo jacket. Maybe, since McConaughey lost his category for "True Detective" (to fellow good ol' boy Billy Bob Thornton) and he was looking like a slightly deranged hobo thanks to his scraggly beard and long hair (he's working on a movie set during the Civil War), he was overheated, tipsy, and kind of bummed. That must have been a long car ride home that night in one of his many Lincoln Continentals.