Please grab your hover board, because where we're going, we don't need roads. Welcome to a new era of "Pretty Little Liars," where the squad finally look their age and no one is being murdered. Haha, kidding: we already have one dead body and the season has barely started. Sigh, this show.

The liars might be older, wiser and trolling around some weird place called "Freeform," but they still haven't figured out how not to be terrorized by a hooded vigilante. With that in mind, catch up with Spencer, Aria, Emily and Hanna in our recap below -- plus, find out which character is six feet under.

Checking in With the Little (Er, Big?) Liars

Hanna: PLL's most fashionable it-girl is working in fashion, and good news: she's engaged! The bad news? The lucky man's name isn't Caleb, because apparently they broke up, which means our lives are over. Time to take to the streets in protest / petition Obama, because this injustice will not stand.

Emily: Tragically, Emily is not in a good place. Despite telling friends that she's at the Salk Institute, Em's working at a bar and popping pills. Huh, thought that was Spencer's jam...

Aria: Naturally, Aria works for a publishing company, and get this: they represent Great American Author / Genius / Former Stalker, the one and only Ezra Fitz. The only good news to report is that Aria's no longer dating him. Give her time, people, give her time.

Spencer: First of all, Spencer has bangs. Second of all, she's helping her mom run for state senate. But most importantly, she's not dating Toby because he's busy being a policeman in a town populated almost entirely by murderers.

Oh, and Let's Check on Ezra, Because He's Still a Thing

If you're wondering about Ezra McGreatWriter Fitz, he returned from a recent trip to South America (???) due to "getting sick," and is super bummed because his girlfriend, Nicole, went missing. Apparently, she was abducted by "half baked revolutionaries?" It's all very confusing and unclear, but poor Ezra is now squatting above The Brew, sporting a scruffy goatee, and being generally full of ennui. How can Aria resist him?!

In Which Ali Has a Terrible Memory

There's a new teacher at Rosewood High, and her name is Alison DiLaurentis. That's right, the very same Alison who spent high school terrorizing her friends. What a great person to be influencing young minds! Alison's life seems pretty mellow, but apparently she longs for a family, and considering her only relative is A (aka Cece Drake, aka Charlotte DiLaurentis), it looks like she needs to bust her out of hospital. To which we say: has Ali never seen the show she's on?I?!?! This is the worst idea in the history of bad ideas.

Welcome to Rosewood - 2.0!

Cece can't get out of hospital without the liars announcing that they no longer fear her, which naturally they do with the exception of Aria. Because, please, this is PLL we're dealing with here. Guess -A is a free woman!

The liars celebrate their terrible decision-making by getting drunk at Radley Sanitarium, which is now a fancy hotel, and the next morning? You guessed it: Cece is found dead outside a church in an apparent homicide. So was A murdered by A 2.0 (who may or may not be Sarah Harvey)? Guess we have all season to figure that out, but one thing's for sure: there ain't no funeral like a Pretty Little Liars funeral because a Pretty Little Liars funeral has completely inappropriate mourning attire.

P.S.: Guys, please pray for Toby. He seems to think he's Noah from "The Notebook," and spends his time building houses and drinking beer while pining for Spencer. If you're a bird, Toby's a bird, Spence.