12 Classic Movies You Say You'll Watch (But Never Do)
by Phil Pirrello
It's embarrassing, but true: You've never seen "Gone With the Wind." Or (gasp!) "The Godfather." You've always meant to. Your friends can't believe it! But you have your reasons. With the new year coming, make it your resolution to watch these classics (that you probably won't ever watch).
'Gone With the Wind' (1939)
Sure, it won a gazzilionty Oscars and is a pop culture touchstone, but... 1) It's racist. 2) It's sexist 3) It's loooong. (Still the longest film to win Best Picture at 3 hours and 58 minutes).
'The Grapes of Wrath' (1940)
Why haven't you seen this yet? 1) Forced to read the book in school. 2) Seems really *cough* dry. 3) Looks depressing as hell.
'Citizen Kane' (1941)
Yes, it's the "best movie of all time." So why haven't you watched it? 1) No movie can live up to that hype. 2) I already know what "Rosebud" is. 3) I saw "The Simpsons" parody so I'm good.
'Casablanca' (1942)
You're holding out because: 1) I already know all the lines: "We'll always have Paris," "Beginning of a beautiful friendship," etc. 2) Because everyone keeps telling me I need to watch it. 3) It feels like I've already seen it.
'Sunset Blvd.' (1950)
You've skipped this iconic movie about the dark side of Hollywood because: 1) I already know the "I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille" scene. 2) I like my movies about Hollywood to be upbeat and cheery. 3) I'm a struggling screenwriter; it just hits too close to home.
'The African Queen' (1951)
The movie that finally won Bogie an Oscar! Your excuse: 1. Bogart Schmogart! 2. Never did like Katharine Hepburn 3. Feel like I might get malaria just from watching it.
'The Ten Commandments' (1956)
You haven't seen this epic because: 1) Bible epics = snooze city 2) Isn't it really, really long? (Yes, 3 hours, 40 minutes). 3) Not a Charlton Heston fan.
'The Seventh Seal' (1957)
Film professors the world over are crying because you haven't seen this Ingmar Bergman classic. That's because: 1) Aren't Swedish movies really depressing? 2) It's about death... playing chess? 3) Symbolism just isn't my thing.
'Ben-Hur' (1959)
This Oscar-winning epic has chariot racing! Jesus! Homo-eroticism! And you won't watch it because: 1) It's hella long (3 hours 44 minutes). 2) I despise chariot races. 3) Again with Charlton Heston!
'To Kill a Mockingbird' (1962)
Atticus Finch himself is going to scold you for not seeing this. You tell him: 1) But I read the book! 2) Yes, sir, I'll watch it right away. 3) Aren't you a racist now?
'2001: A Space Odyssey' (1968)
Most film buffs love this Kubrick classic. As for you: 1) I'm just going to watch "The Shining" again. 2) I've heard it's really slow and the ending makes no sense. 3) I prefer my astronauts to be wisecracking potato farmers.
'The Godfather' (1972)
You will never attain the rank of die-hard film buff if you don't watch this. Your excuse: 1) I'm waiting to see it on the big screen. 2) I saw "Godfather III" and that was terrible, so... 3) I'm really more into rom-coms.
