Bill ErwinQuotes

Edison: [removes the cover off the Chef Edison's TV Dinner] Ladies and gentlemen, when I was yo high, I got the idea for making something everyone could use, and today, it is a reality. So, without further ado... Ta-da! The device that's gonna rock the world!

Fremont: A TV dinner? I hate to break the news, but Swanson beat you to the punch by 40 years.

Edison: [opens the lid to the TV dinner, showing the food tray and a portable TV screen, much to the hoard's amusement; passes the TV dinner to Natalie, who passes it down to every board member all the way to Landers] Guys, it's not just a TV dinner, it's a real TV dinner. Here, check it out. The hardest part was making a TV that could withstand going from the freezer to be heated.

Larry: This dinner is self-heating and uses microwave technology to cook the food and run the TV for 4 hours.

Edison: And here's the kicker, it only costs $2.19 more than a regular TV dinner.

Fremont: Ingenious!

Landers: And tasty, too.

Bradford: Get him a bib.

Edison: I say we go into immediate production.

Natalie: Whoa, Edison. I don't mean to burst your bubble, but there are standard procedure to follow. We have product testing and focus groups, safety regulations. We can't just march right into production.

Edison: Well, you've done this a lot longer than I have, so...

Bradford: [interrupting] Hold on! Didn't you just tell us that this is the greatest thing since individually wrapped cheese slices?

Edison: I would never, ever dare compare it to individually wrapped cheese slices. I mean, come on. We all know there's nothing better or tastier than that. Bradford, hello? Scrumpdillyicious, cheese slices. Although, I would say this is close.

Natalie: Yes, but...

Bradford: Natalie, please. Gentlemen, months of costly testing will only tell us what we already know. The product works, but, of course, it's up to you, Mr. Chairman of the Board.

Edison: I say we go into production now!

Fremont: You're the new trainee?

Edison: Actually, I inherited the company.

Landers: [the board members incredulously exclaim] He's Edison?

Edison: In the freckled flesh.

Grandmother: [before Jake and Kristy's wedding] He's too young and he's too immature. She's a golddigger.

Grandfather: There's little or no gold to be dug. He's plenty old and people don't mature anymore. They stay jackasses all their lives.

Laura Roberts: [seeing Elise return home] How is the play? Did you enjoy it? Are you all right?

Arthur Biehl: [seeing Richard dying] Such a fine man. What a shame. I wonder what happened to him.