Memorable Quotes from Harold Gould
7 quotesNegotiating Terms for a Con Job
Kid Twist
Now how do you want to work this? Flat rate or percentage?
Benny Garfield
Who's the mark?
Kid
Doyle Lonnegan.
Benny
Flat rate.
[short pause]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication Over Milk During Chaos
Harry
Grandpa, could you pass the milk?
Harry
Grandpa, PASS the MILK. GRANDPA!!! PASS THE MILK!!!
[Shakes table]
Grandpa
EARTHQUAKE!!!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Focus on Solutions, Not Problems
Arthur Mendelson
You're focusing on the problem. If you focus on the problem, you can't see the solution. Never focus on the problem!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity and Transformation in Disguise
Grandfather Disguisey
Who are you now?
Pistachio
The question is not who I am, the question is who are you? I know who I am. I'm Prince Lali Jhamba from the Ringy Dingy Heights, near Bombay, Calcutta and New Delhi, India. India. India.
Grandfather
It is time to test that.
[claps; opens basket]
Pistachio
What is it? That is a big reptile. Not a problem. Oh, yes. He wouldn't hurt anybody now. I'm going to call him Buttercup! So cute, eh?
[a snake emerges from basket; plays smooth jazz music]
Grandpa
Energico! God help me, I love it! A complete transformation!
[laughs while Pistachio tickles the snake]
Pistachio
You like the cheese. Go get the cheese, Buttercup. You know you love it.
[dangling cheese above the snake]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration and Teenage Drama Unfolds
Harry
I don't think he knows I even exist, so stupid thinkin about him, but I can't help it. Jake! Ooooh! Jake!
Anna
GET OUTTA MY ROOOOM!!! OUT! Oh! My... My... Ah! I HATE YOU AND YOU'RE NEVER LOSING DOOR *AGAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNN!!* Aaah!
[Anna chases the boys from her room; Realizes her door is missing]
Ryan
She saw it.
[Anna shrieks again offscreen]
Grandpa
I'm gonna check out those Lakers.
Ryan
I'm with you.
Anna
Mom! Mom, did you see what happened to my doo--?
[sees Tess sitting at the table with her arms crossed]
Tess
I spoke to your principal.
Anna
What?!
Tess
Just now, on the phone.
Anna
Where's my door?
Tess
Privacy is a privilege, Anna.
Anna
Where's my door, Mom?
Tess
Your door will be returned to you, Anna, if or when you can explain--
Anna
I need my door. You give me the door, or I will kill myself!
Harry
Oh! Can I watch?
[to Tess]
Tess
Harry!
Anna
SHUT UP!!!
[Boys run away]
Tess
I think we can dispense with the drama. And maybe you can just calmly explain to me why you were in detention twice today.
Anna
Okay, I went to detention. But that was only because Stacey Hinkhouse kept hitting me on the head with a volleyball!
Tess
Now, when is this conflict with Stacey Hinkhouse going to end?
Anna
Never, because she's an insane, psycho freak! And you'd know that if you'd paid like a speck of attention while door is gone and it’s all your fault!
Tess
Anna?!
Anna
What?!
Tess
I think you know I pay attention, Anna. Enough to know that you got an F in English today.
Anna
Well, Mr. Bates is out to get me.
Tess
Oh, him too?
Anna
Yeah. You know, he just looks for ways to torture me. Like the one time Jake even spoke to me, he totally...
Tess
Who's Jake?
Anna
He's just... nobody.
Tess
You say I'm not interested, Anna. I'm interested. Try me.
Anna
Okay, he's just this really amazing guy, Mom.
Tess
Where'd you meet him?
Anna
Detention, but...
Tess
That's promising.
[Laughing]
Anna
See? Do you see? Why do I even bother telling you anything?
Ryan
Okay, who's up for Chinese?
Anna
]
[Screaming; [The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland|YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!!! I'M MOVING OUT TOMORROW WHILE SLEEP IS GONE AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT AND I'M NEVER COMING BACK EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER AGAIN! NEVER *AGAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIN!!*]
Pei-Pei
Hello, how are you?
Tess
Hello, Pei-Pei.
Pei-Pei
Anna, Harry, you're so big now. What happened? Are you happy for your mommy?
Anna
About what?
Pei-Pei
Oh. She's such a joker. Who's catering? Chinese food good luck.
[laughs]
Tess
It's all planned already.
Pei-Pei
Okay, how about me?
Ryan
Anna, I preordered the Peking Duck.
Anna
Joy.
Ryan
Well, I know that's your favorite.
Anna
Whatever.
Tess
The wedding is in two days.
Pei-Pei
Think about it. See you soon. Happy dining.
Ryan
Anna, your door is underneath the back stairs.
Anna
Like I didn't figure that out.
Grandpa
Stop groveling, man. Let her come to you.
Ryan
She'd come with a hatchet. I think I'll go check on that duck.
Tess
Anna, do you really think that your surliness is the best way for you to get what you want?
Anna
I'm sorry, Mom. I really have been stressing in school, and I deserved every single one of those trips to detention. And I'm gonna apologize to Stacey Hinkhouse and Mr. Bates. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'll try and do better, Mom. I'll really, really try.
Tess
All right, what do you want?
Anna
To go to this really important audition tomorrow that we can never have again at the House of Blues.
Tess
An audition, that's great. Tomorrow? You mean after the rehearsal dinner?
Anna
Well, during.
Tess
During". You mean as "instead of"?
Anna
Technically?
Tess
Anna, I need to talk to you right now.
Anna
I think I'm gonna pass on that.
Tess
Now! Anna, I am going to make one final attempt to understand what goes on in your head.
Anna
Don't treat me like your patients.
Tess
What?
Anna
All calm and reasonable. Let's talk about it. I really want to understand.
Tess
I really do want to understand, Anna!
Hostess
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Pei-Pei
Oh, Mama, stay out of it, please. Mama.
Anna
Okay, fine. They're gonna pick one local band to play at Wango Tango. We were lucky to make this cut. Seriously, it's a once-in-a-lifetime chance, Mom. Please. Why can't I just go? Please.
Tess
And what I hear is that my special night means absolutely nothing to you.
Anna
I don't even have to ask if my band means anything to you. It's totally clear to us that you guys think we're all noise.
Harry
Look, I'm a walrus!
Tess
I do not!
Anna
Do too!
Tess
Anna, I let you practice in the garage. Anna, stop.
Anna
What?
Tess
Let's talk about what this is really about, okay? This is about your dad, isn't it?
Anna
Mom, stop shrinking me. It's not about Dad. It's about the audition! You're ruining my life!
Tess
Enough with the drama. Anna, high school is not that hard.
Anna
You couldn't last one day in my high school.
Tess
I could, and I would do it without getting a detention.
Anna
I'm sorry that I'm the one thing in your life that isn't perfect!
Tess
Perfect? You think my life is perfect?
Anna
Oh, I know your life is perfect. Your perfect job, perfect boyfriend, perfect patients who worship the ground you walk on.
Tess
You need a serious and bracing reality check if you think my life is perfect!
Anna
You can cut me some slack just this once, Mom.
Tess
I am beyond cutting you slack, Anna. But you are not going to the audition.
Anna
Yes, I am!
Tess
No, you're not!
Anna
Why not?
Tess
Because I said so!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Seeing Beyond Fear and Conformity
Arthur Mendelson
See what no one else sees. See what everyone chooses not to see... out of fear, conformity or laziness. See the whole world anew each day!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humor in Medical Conversations
Arthur Mendelson
You learn anything about proctology yet?
[his attorney is expressing concern over him using his land for Patch's free medical clinic]
Patch Adams
A little.
Arthur Mendelson
Good. Take care of this asshole for me, will you?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.