J

Jeff Anderson Quotes

Actor

Memorable Quotes from Jeff Anderson

18 quotes
Clerks II
Choices and Relationships Discussed in Conversation
Elias I've turned down ] left and right!
[[women|chicks]
Randal Your chicks are your left and right.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks II
Discussion on Inter-Species Erotica
Randal You're in ], dude.
[[w:Zoophilia|the bestiality business]
Sexy Stud Hey, Fucko! We like to call it inter-species erotica.
Randal Intriguing.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
A Conversation About Marriage and Distractions
Dante You know, that article's accurate. Caitlin's really getting married!
Randal You know what I just watched?
Dante Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?
Randal ].
[[Return of the Jedi]
Dante Didn't you hear me? Caitlin is really getting married!
Randal Which did you like better? Jedi or ]?
[[The Empire Strikes Back]
Dante Empire.
Randal Blasphemy.
Dante Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, uh, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.
Randal There was something else going on in Jedi. I ever noticed it til today. They built another Death Star, right?
Dante Yeah.
Randal Now, the first one was completed and fully operational before the Rebels destroyed it.
Dante Luke blew it up. Give credit where credit is due.
Randal And the second one was still being built when they blew it up.
Dante Compliments of Lando Calrissian.
Randal Something just never sat right with me that second time around. I could never put my figure on it, but something just wasn't right.
Dante And you figured it out?
Randal The first Death Star was manned by the Imperial Army. The only people onboard were stormtroopers, dignitaries. Imperials.
Dante Basically.
Randal So when they blew it up, no problem. Evil's punished.
Dante And the second time around?
Randal The second time around, it wasn't even done being built yet. It was still under construction.
Dante So?
Randal So a construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers...
Dante And not just Imperials. Is that what you're getting at?
Randal Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly, they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average stormtrooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms.
Dante All right, so they bring in independent contractors. Why are you so upset with its destruction?
Randal All those innocent contractors hired to do the job were killed! Casualties of a war they had nothing to do with. All right, look, you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way. You got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia. This is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.
Roofer Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but what are you two talking about?
Randal The ending of Return of the Jedi.
Dante My friend here is trying to convince me that any independent contractors who were working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.
Roofer Well, I'm a contractor myself. I'm a roofer—Dunn and Ready Home Improvements—and speaking as a roofer, I can tell you a roofer's personal politics comes into play heavily when choosing jobs.
Randal Oh yeah, like when?
Roofer Three weeks ago, I was offered a job up in the hills. Beautiful house, tons of property. A simple reshingling job! They told me if I could finish it in one day, I would double my price. Then I realized whose house it was.
Randal Whose house was it?
Roofer Dominic Bambino's.
Randal Baby-Face" Bambino the gangster?
Roofer The same! The money was right, but the risk was too high. I knew who he was, and based on that, I turned the job over to a friend of mine.
Dante Based on his personal politics.
[to Randal]
Roofer Right! And the next week the Floressi family puts out a hit on Baby-Face's house! My friend was shot and killed. Didn't even finish reshingling!
Randal No way.
Roofer I'm alive because I knew the risk involved with that particular client. My friend wasn't so lucky. Any contractor working on that Death Star knew the risk involved. If they got killed, it's their own fault. A roofer listens to this , not his wallet.
[pointing to his heart]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Bathroom Lights Malfunction at 5:14 PM
Caitlin Can I use your bathroom?
Randal Sure. But there's no lights back there.
Caitlin Why aren't there any lights?
Randal Well, there are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:14 every night.
Caitlin You're kidding. Why?
Randal Nobody can figure it out. The boss doesn't wanna pay the electrician to fix it, cause the electrician owes money to the video store.
Caitlin Such a sordid state of affairs.
Randal And I'm caught in the middle. Torn between my loyalty for the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on.
Caitlin Well, I'll try to manage.
Randal Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time and I'll kill ya. Nothing personal.
Caitlin You are very protective of him, Randal. You always have been.
Randal Territoriality. He was mine first.
Caitlin Oh, that was so cute.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dogma
Weapons and Their Impact on Fear
Gun Salesman We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on.
Loki Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that wrath-of-the-almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this...
Bartleby Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.
Loki Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at ], I had to do all the work.
[[w:Sodom and Gomorrah|Sodom and Gomorrah]
Bartleby What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
Loki I rained down sulfur, man, there's a subtle difference.
Bartleby Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
Loki Hey, you know, fuck you, man; any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulfur is like an endurance trial, man. Mass ] is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer.
[defensively; [w:genocide|genocide]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks II
Acceptance of Loneliness in Relationships
Elias Randal. ].
[[w:One Ring|One ring to rule them all]
Randal And you wonder why no chick'll let ].
[[w:Peṅetrạtịoṅ|you stick your cock in her]
Elias I never wondered that.
Randal Yeah, cause you've accepted the fact that you'll never get a chick a long time ago.
Elias I could get a chick if I wanted.
Randal Who are you kidding? You can't get a chick, you mook. You're too weird and sad.
[''Laughs'']
Elias I turn down chicks left and right.
Randal Your chicks are your "left" and "right." Yeah, right.
Elias What do you know?
Randal Uh, I know you're a huge fuck nerd of ] proportions, and no chicks dig nerds, especially nerds that are into ].
[[w:Potsie Weber|Potsie-like; [w:The Lord of the Rings|Lord of the Rings]
Elias Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal.
[''Laughs quietly'']
Randal Yeah. The kind of chicks that are into swords and elves and shit, and I wouldn't fuck them with ].
[[w:Gondor#Minas Tirith|the Torch of Gondor]
Elias Oh, you're so gross!
[''A customer approaches Elias at the counter'']
Hobbit Fan Hey, man.
[''Elias changes hats before taking the customer's order'']
Elias Welcome to Mooby's. May I take your order?
Hobbit Fan Yeah, um... see... give me one Udderly Delicious Moolkshake, a Skinny Calf, and an order of onion rings. Thanks.
[''Elias keys in the order'']
Elias ].
[''Holds up onion ring''; [w:One Ring|One ring to rule them all; ''Surprised look on the customer's face'']
Hobbit Fan One ring to find them.
Randal Oh, Jesus.
[''Elias pulls out his ring hanging on his necklace'']
Elias One ring to bring them all.
Hobbit Fan And in the darkness, bind them.
[''Customer pulls out his ring from his pocket'']
Elias Yes!
Hobbit Fan Dude!
[''Exchanges high-five with customer'']
Elias How many times?
Hobbit Fan Well, um, three for ], two for ], four for ].
[[w:The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rịṇgs|Fellowship; [w:The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers|Towers; [w:The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King|Return]
Elias Five for Return.
[''Randal walks by them'']
Randal All right, look... there's only one Return, okay? And it ain't of the King, ].
[[w:Return of the Jedi|it's of the Jedi]
Hobbit Fan Oh... ] geek.
[''motions to Randal''; [w:Star Wars|Stạr Wạrs]
Randal Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out ].
[[w:Gollum|your "preciouses"]
Elias You'll have to excuse him. He's not down with the trilogy.
Randal Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you fucking morons.
Hobbit fan You know what? Maybe we should start calling ], because he loves ] so much, right? Hey - Danger! Danger! My name is Anakin! My shitty acting is ruining saga!
[[w:Padmé Amidala|your friend "Padme"; [w:Luke Skywalker|Mannequin Skywalker; ''[[w:Mr. Roboto|impersonating a robot]
Elias Yeah, you're crazy, ]!
[[w:Jar Jar Binks|Jar Jar Bịṇks]
Randal I'm crazy? ]. Three movies of people walking through a fucking volcano. Here's the first movie... And here's the second movie...
[[w:The Lord of the Rings (film series)〉#Critical and public responses|Those fucking Hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was just a bunch of people walking; ''Jumps off the counter and walks slowly with his mouth open before walking back to the counter''; ''does the same walk, except that midway, he sidesteps to the left and looks down before walking back to the counter'']
Hobbit Fan He is way off. Loser.
Randal You ready for the third movie?
[''Does the same walk, but stops, looks down, pretends to pull a ring from his finger, drops it, shrugs and turns around with two eating customers watching him'']
Customer A Fucking A.
[''Nods head'']
Randal Even ] in those movies.
[[w:Ents|the fucking trees walked]
Hobbit Fan You know what? I've had enough of you. Your simplistic analysis of the trilogy aside, The Lord of the Rings was a massive achievement. And even ] that they gave ] ] ] has never, and will never, win. Bones.
[[w:Academy of Motion Picture Arts Sciences|the Academy recognized them; [w:Peter Jackson|Peter Jackson; [w:Academy Award for Best Director|the Best Directing Oscar - an award; [w:George Lucas|your little friend George "Toy Boy" Lucas; ''Exchanges fist salute with Elias'']
Elias Oh, sick burn.
Randal Let me tell you something. If Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those Rings movies, he would've ended the third one on a logical closure point. Not the 25 endings that followed.
Elias What's the logical closure point?
Hobbit Fan Yeah, friend. Enlighten us.
Randal When fucking ] wakes up from his little coma or whatever and ] are jumping up and down on his bed. And ] leans in the doorway and gives him that very fucking gay look.
[[w:Frodo Baggins|Frodo; [w:Hobbịts|the little Hobbits; [w:Samwise Gamgee|Sam]
Elias Not the Rings Randal. Say what you will about Jesus, but leave the Rings out of this.
Hobbit Fan I ought to kick your ass back to the shire if you don't shut your fucking mouth.
Randal That look was so gay, I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk, so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his fucking cock. Now that would've been an Academy Award-worthy ending.
Hobbit Fan Hey! Faggot! They're not gay! They're Hobbits.
Randal And then right after ], right before the credits roll, Sam fucking ].
[[w:69 (sex position)|the Sam/Frodo suck-fest; [w:Corprophilia|flat-out bricks in Frodo's mouth]
Hobbit Fan I swear... fuck you...!
[''Hobbit fan suddenly vomits, Randal runs to the manager's office, laughing to Dante and Becky'']
Randal I made fun of The Lord of the Rings so hard, it made some super geek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Navigating Relationships and Self-Discovery
Delaney What? ] ain't never had no sex with ] in the ]!
[[w:Han Solo|Han Solo; [w:Princess Leia|Princess Leia; [w:Star Wars|Star War]
Brandon I will be patient with you. I will be there on your journey. I will be your Sherpa up the mountain...of gayness.
[''To Bobby'']
Mr. Surya ]
[[w:Indian exceptionalism|I hate you ebony and ivory motherfuckers!]
Deacon ] during an Can you believe this shit?! ]
[''After getting covered in Stacey's [[w:feces|feces; [w:anal sex|anal sex scene; [w:Wet and messy fetishism|That chick frosted me like I was a fucking cake!]
Lester Don't know what a Dutch rudder...? All right, you grab your dick, then you have someone else work your arm. Here, let me show you. All right, grab my arm. I'm grabbing my dick, you're grabbing my arm. Now work it. Work my arm. See that shit? Work it up and down. It's like someone else is jerking you off. Okay. There's the double Dutch rudder, which, I grab my dick, you grab your dick, you work my arm, I work your arm, same time. ]. I'm touching my own dick. You're working it, and I'm loving it. It feels good, sir. Try me, come on.
[''To Zack in the kitchen''; [w:homophobia|It's like jerking off together but not gay. We're not touching dicks, each other's dicks anyway]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
An Accidental Mishap at the Funeral Home
Dante I can't fuckin believe you!
Randal I'm tellin you, it wasn't my fault!
Dante You knocked the casket over, for Christ's sake!
Randal I was just leanin on it! It was an accident!
Dante Like someone knocks a casket over on purpose!
Randal So the casket fell over, big deal!
Dante Her fuckin body fell out!
Randal Just put it back in. It's not like it matters if she breaks somethin'!
Dante Just go. Just go open the video store!
Randal Shut the fuck up, junkie!
Dante Just go. Just go open the video store.
Jay Yeah, cock-smoking clerk!
Dante And how many times have I told you not to be dealing in front of the store?
Jay I'm not dealin', man. What you talkin bout?
Customer Yo, you got anything, man?
Jay Yeah, man. What you want, man?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Observations on Pricing and Unusual Jobs
Dante Did you ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.
Randal You know how much wage the average jizz-mopper make per hour?
[looking at a pornographic magazine]
Dante What's a jizz-mopper?
Randal He's the guy that cleans up the nudie-booths after each guy that jerks off.
Dante Nudie booth?
Randal Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been to a nudie booth?
Randal Oh man, it's great. You go into this booth and there's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like ten bucks.
Dante What kind of show?
Randal Think of the weirdest, craziest shit you'd like to see chicks do. These chicks do it all. They insert things into any opening on their body. Any opening!
Dante Can we not talk about this now?
Randal The jizz-mopper's job is to clean it up after each guy shoots a load. Practically everybody does it right on the window, and I don't know if you noticed or not, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
Highly-Offended Customer I will never come to this place again.
Dante Excuse me?
Highly-Offended Customer Using filthy language in front of the customers. You both should be fired!
Dante I'm sorry. I guess we kinda got carried away.
Highly-Offended Customer Well, I don't know if "sorry" can make up for it. You've highly offended me.
Randal Well, you think that's offensive, check this out! I think you can see her kidneys!
[shows customer the magazine's centerfold; the customer runs out screaming]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks II
Clerks II - Dialogue 9
Dante Can you feel it?
Randal Feel what?
Dante Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Conflict over Attendance at a Funeral
Dante You gotta watch the store. I gotta go to this.
Randal Wait, wait, wait. Has it ever occurred to you that I might be bereaved as well?
Dante You hardly knew her!
Randal True, but do you know how many people are gonna be there? All of our old classmates, to say the least.
Dante Stop. This is beneath even you.
Randal I'm not gonna miss what is probably gonna be the social event of the season.
Dante You hate people!
Randal But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks II
Debate on Robots and Beliefs
Randal Dude, ] sucked.
[[w:Transformers|The Transformers]
Elias Oh, no they didn't. They were more than meets the eye. They could beat the pants off ] any day.
[[w:Kevin Smith's unrealized projects#Danger Ranger and the Danger Rangers|Ranger Danger]
Randal Yeah, I'll lose sleep wondering whether you're right about that or not. Thought you weren't allowed to watch a lot of ] in your house ].
[[w:Television|TV; [w:Christian fundamentalism|'cause you're all Christian and shit]
Elias Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks that turn into robots aren't really that blasphemous because my pastor says that machines can turn into other machines and it's not ].
[[w:Blasphemy|a slight against God]
Randal Dude, the Transformers were a total slight against God, in as much as God sent His only begotten Son to die on the cross to redeem mankind and all we did to pay Him back was make terrible fucking cartoons like the Transformers.
Elias Nice shot. Well, see... ạt Bible Camp, we made a flow chart. ], Randal!
[''Pause''; [w:Creationism|Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God]
Randal No sir. They are not a gift from God. ].
[[w:Satanism|They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One; ''Voice deepens, walks slowly towards Elias'']
Elias I really don't wanna hear this, Randal.
[''Reaches for head phones trying to ignore Randal'']
Randal The first of the fallen. The spoiler of virgins. The MASTER of ]!.
[[w:abortion|abortions]
Elias You know I don't like to talk about dark forces, Randal!
[''Puts on the head phones'']
Randal Let me help you out of your chair, Grandma! Grandma!
[''Grabbing drive-thru microphone and singing'']
Jay Grandma what was it like?! To be on that holiday site!
[''Shows up in window'']
Randal Late that night--
Jay I awoke from my sleep! Hearing!
Jay & Randal Unknown! Voices! Laughing insane!
[''Pushing Elias back and forth between Randal and Jay'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks II
Confrontation Over Racial Slurs in Clerks II
Randal I don't mind people snickering at the stupid uniform I've got to wear. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some self-righteous, lucky turd come in here and treat me and Dante like we're a couple of fucking ].
[[w:List of ethnic slurs|porch monkeys]
Dante Randal! Uh, I'm- I'm sorry.
[''To black female patron'']
Black female patron He... He didn't really just say what I think he said.
Randal What? Porch monkeys?
Dante Randal!
Becky What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Black female patron I want my money back right now.
Becky Of course. Um, you know what? Here, take this on us.
Black female patron Oh, no, no, no. I'm not eating something that was cooked by some cracker-ass hate-monger.
Black female patron's husband I will. Baby, you can't taste racism.
Randal What racism? Porch monkeys?!
Black female patron You little mother...
Black female patron's husband Calm down, champ. It ain't worth it.
Black female patron You're lucky my husband doesn't jump across this counter and knock your teeth in.
Randal Why?
Black female patron's husband Yeah, baby, why? I mean, ain't like he called us porch monkeys. Hey, hey! Baby, stop hitting on me! See, the judge told you about that. You got to stop putting your hands on people.
[''Wife starts slapping him'']
Becky Here, take this. This is your money. Please, take the food on us. We're sorry.
Black female patron Oh, uh-uh. I'm gonna write to the paper about this, and all y'all getting fired up in here. Jesus!
Black female patron's husband I'm gonna take the food. Thank you very much. Damn! Fuck porch monkey...
[''Wife throws it on ground'']
Becky Thanks. Come again.
Black female patron's husband Don't leave me, baby!
Becky Are you out of your fucking mind?!
Randal What?! What's the big deal? Since when is it a crime to say porch monkey?
Becky Oh, since, I don't know, ]?!
[[forever]
Randal Why?
Dante Because porch monkey is a racial slur against ]!
[[black people]
Randal No, it's not; ] is.
[[w:Nigger|nigger]
Dante Randal!
[''Horrified'']
Elias Did Mr. Randal just call Mr. Dante a nigger?
Becky Shut up, Elias!
Randal I didn't just call Dante a nigger, I just said that nigger is a racial slur.
Dante So is porch monkey!
Randal Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog; those are racial slurs. Porch monkey is not.
Becky I'm going to pretend that this conversation didn't happen. Elias, go pick up that fucking mess. And you are this close to getting shit-canned! Shoot me now!
[''points at Randal''; ''storms off'']
Dante What are you doing? Are you trying to get fired?
Randal Since when did porch monkey become a racial slur?
Dante When ignorant racists started using it 100 years ago!
Randal Oh, bullshit. My grandmother used to call me a porch monkey all the time when I was a kid because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors.
Dante Despite the fact that your grandmother used it as a ] for you, it's still a racial slur. It would be like your grandmother calling you a little kike.
[[w:Affection|term of endearment]
Randal Oh, it is not. Besides, my grandmother had nothing but the utmost respect for the ] community. She used to tell me to always be nice to the Jewish kids, or ].
[[Jewish; [w:Antisemitism|they'd put the sheenie curse on me]
Dante WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!
Randal What?
Dante Sheenie is a racial slur, too!
Randal Oh, it is not!
Dante Yes, it is!
Randal Well, she never called any Jews sheenies, she just said "sheenie curse" a lot. It was cute.
Dante It wasn't cute, it was racist!
Randal I disagree, man. She was just an old-timer. That's the way people talked back then. It didn't mean they were racists. But my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a nigger knife. You know, come to think of it, my grandmother was kind of a racist.
[''thinks for a moment''; ''Dante is flabbergasted'']
Dante You think?!
Randal Well, I still don't think that porch monkey should be considered a racial term. I've always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people. I think if we really tried, we could take back porch monkey and save it.
Dante It can't be saved, Randal. The sole purpose for its creation, the only reason it exists in the first place, is to disparage an entire race. And even if it could be saved, you couldn't save it because you're not black!
[''Fed up'']
Randal Well, listen to you--telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin. You're the racist, man!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Friendship and Mortality in a Conversation
Dante Thanks for puttin me in such a tough spot. You're a good friend.
Randal She was pretty young, huh?
Dante Twenty-two. Just like us.
Randal An embolism in a pool.
Dante What an embarrassing way to die.
Randal That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.
Dante How'd he die?
Randal He broke his neck.
Dante That's embarrassing?
Randal He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.
Dante Shut the hell up.
Randal I swear.
Dante Stop it.
Randal Bible truth.
Dante Oh my God.
Randal Come on. Haven't you ever tried to suck your own dick?
Dante No!
Randal Yeah, right. You're so repressed.
Dante Because I never tried to suck my own dick?
Randal No, because you won't admit to it. As if a guy's a fuckin pervert because he tries to go down on himself. You're as curious as the rest of us, pal. You've tried it.
Dante Who found him?
Randal My cousin? My aunt found him. It was a mess. He was on his bed, with his legs doubled over himself. My aunt freaked out.
Dante Man, he had his dick in his mouth?
Randal Yeah. Balls restin on his lips.
Dante Wow! He really made it.
Randal Yeah, but at what a price?
Dante I could never reach.
Randal Reach what?
Dante Y'know.
Randal What, your dick?
Dante Yeah, like you said. I guess everyone gets curious and tries it sometime.
Randal I never tried it. Fuckin pervert.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Inquiring About Video Availability
Mother Excuse me, do you sell videos?
Randal Yeah. What're you looking for?
Mother Happy Scrappy: Hero Pup.
Randal Uh, one second. I'm on the phone with the distribution house now. Let me make sure they got it. What's it called again?
Mother Happy Scrappy: Hero Pup.
Child Happy Scrappy.
Mother She loves it.
Randal Obviously. Uh, yeah, hi, this is RST Video calling. Customer number 4352. I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: Whispers in the Wind, To Each His Own, Put It Where It Doesn't Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All Tit-Fucking, Volume 8, I Need Your Cock, Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers, My Cunt Needs Shafts, Cum Clean, Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts, Cum Buns 3, Cumming in Socks, Cum On Eileen, Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum, Girls Who Crave Cock, Girls Who Crave Cunt, Men Alone 2: The KY Connection, Pink Pussy Lips, oh yeah, and, uh, All Holes Filled with Hard Cock. Yep. Oh, wait a minute. Uh, what was that called again?
[to the distributor; to the mother]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks II
The Internet's Role in Curiosity and Exploration
Dante Well, I don't know about this, Randal. I mean, how do we know this isn't a hoax? Like, were there any pictures on the Web site?
Randal Strangely, no. But if you've seen pics of one chick sucking off a donkey, you've seen them all.
Dante Well, what if you haven't ever seen pics of anything like that?
Randal Well, then you must be as blind as Anne Frank. Cause what's the point in having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look at weird, fucked-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?
Randal Holy shit. You know, I've never pieced this together until right now. You're a virgin, aren't you?
Elias You know I have a girlfriend, Randal.
Randal Oh, yeah. What's her name again?
Elias Myra Hodgkiss.
Randal You made her up, didn't you? That name sounds so made-up.
Elias No.
Randal Seriously, Elias, have you and Myra had sex yet?
Elias Well, that's just kind of personal, Randal.
Randal Come on! I tell you about my sex life all the time. I let you smell my fingers after I fucked Taton Weathers kid sister in the office that one time, didn't I?
Elias You kind of made me smell your fingers.
Randal Maybe you just don't like the pussy. Maybe you're all about the cock.
Elias No, no, I like the pussy.
Randal So come on. Did Myra ever give you a crack at her crack or what?
Elias Well, not that it's any of your business, Randal, but she can't.
Randal Why? Jesus, Elias, come on. You got to start trusting me more. Because once Dante's gone, you're gonna be my new best friend.
Elias No, I'm not.
Randal Who the fuck else am I gonna hang out with? It's gonna be you and me, buddy. So come on. You got to start trusting me more. Open up and tell me shit. Like why haven't you fucked Myra yet?
Elias Well, we can't because of Pillow Pants.
[Sighs]
Randal What the fuck's Pillow Pants?
Elias Pillow Pants is a little troll who lives in her pussy. Pillow Pants is her pussy troll. Duh. You know how every girl's parents put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young to keep them from having premarital sex?
Randal Sure.
Elias Well, Myra's is named Pillow Pants. And so, even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So I got to wait until Pillow Pants gets peed out of her body on her 21st birthday before we can have sex.
Randal And Myra told you this?
Elias Boyfriends and girlfriends talk to each other about sex stuff, Randal. You'd know this if you ever had a girlfriend.
Randal Have you and Myra even kissed yet?
Elias We would have already, if it wasn't for Lister Fiend.
Randal Lister Fiend is her mouth troll, isn't it?
Elias Women.
Randal I'll be right back.
Randal You are never gonna believe what Elias just told me.
Dante Look who it is, Randal.
[''Motions head to front'']
Lance Randal Graves. You work here, too? Jesus. Anyone else from our graduating class back there?
Randal Well, well, well... Pickle Fuck.
Lance Man, look at you two fun-ployees. Nothing's changed. You know, I'll bet dollars to donuts, when you two aren't fighting about who shit first, Han or Greedo, you can still muster up enough energy to make fun of other people.
Randal Yeah. So hurry up and order and get out of here, so we can make fun of you.
Lance Oh, I don't know if you're in a position to make fun of anyone anymore, Graves. flipping burgers? Before that, I'd heard it was the Quick Stop for, what, like, ten years?
Randal We can't all be Internet millionaires.
Elias Who's an Internet millionaire?
Randal Elias, this is Lance Dowds. We went to high school together. A few years ago, he built a search engine which compiles the lowest prices of merchandise you can buy online. You might have heard of it... MadDucketts.com.
Elias Didn't that just ]?
[[w:Ạmạzoṇ 〈ċompạṇy〉|sell to Amazon for, like, 20 million bucks]
Randal Yeah, but back before he was the Mad Ducketts guy, he was just Pickle fuck. You see, freshman year, the seniors would hunt us down and put us through what they called initiations. They'd stuff us into lockers or throw us in the girls shower room naked. But Lance here got the worst of it. The seniors yanked down his pants, and shoved a pickle up his ass, and made him walk ten feet. The pickle fell out before he hit the ten-foot mark. He had to take a bite of it, reinsert it and walk again.
Elias Ew...
Randal Yeah, but don't worry... he made it. His pickle was small enough to stay wedged after only four bites.
Lance I'll bet you're the only guy in the world who still remembers that, Graves.
Randal Oh, I bet you still remember it pretty vividly... Pickle fucker.
Elias ].
[[w:Fandom (website)|Do you have any interest in building the ultimate fan site for both The Lord of the Rings and The Transformers? Because I'd moderate it for free]
Randal Ease up, Pillow Pants. The dude's not into your ], ] bullshit.
[[w:Dungeons & Dragons|D&D; [w:GoBots|GoBots]
Lance Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't insult the guy. The GoBots are like the ] of ].
[[W:Kmart|Kmart; [w:The Transformers|Transformers]
Elias Thank you! I keep telling them that.
Lance Here, ]. Drop me a line with some of your ideas.
[[w:Email|here's my e-mail address]
Elias Cool.
Lance Okay, let's see. What do I want? Uh... how about a Skinny Calf with cheese and a Diet Coke?
Randal I'll get your order. Here you go.
[''Puts dead flies burger, puts urinal ice in drink and hands order to Lance'']
Lance Well, that was fast.
Randal And fresh.
Lance Thanks.
Randal Come again.
Jay-Jay Yo, let's wrap this up so I can get my Cow Tipper on.
[''Enters'']
Lance You know what? Take mine. Something tells me I'm not gonna like it, am I?
[''Hands order to Jay-Jay''; ''To Randal'']
Jay-Jay Wow, thanks, Pickle fucker. Yo, so Pickle fuck gave us free eats!
[''Takes order from Lance''; ''Leaves'']
Lance You know, I don't eat fast food. It's not good for you. But when I heard you guys were actually working here, well, I just had to see it for myself. It's kind of nice having that kind of free time. Just like it's kind of comforting to know that some things never change. Take care, clerks. Ooh, sick burn.
[''Imitates guns''; ''Chuckles and leaves'']
Randal Fuck this. Let me borrow your car.
Dante You're supposed to be working.
Randal I got to get out of here for a few minutes.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Indifference to Movie Recommendations
Video Store Customer They say so much, but they never tell you if they're any good. Are either one of these any good? Sir?
[holding two videos]
Randal What?
Video Store Customer Are either one of these any good?
Randal I don't watch movies.
Video Store Customer Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
Video Store Customer You mean you haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Randal Nope.
Video Store Customer Well, what about these two?
Randal Oh, they suck.
Video Store Customer These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
Randal No, I wasn't.
Video Store Customer I don't think your manager would appreciate—
Randal I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Video Store Customer I beg your pardon?
Randal Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Video Store Customer I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!
Randal And I hope it feels good.
Video Store Customer You hope what feels good?
Randal I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Video Store Customer Well, this is the last time I rent here!
Randal You'll be missed.
Video Store Customer Screw you!
[leaves]
Randal Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
[runs to door]
Jay Yeeaahhh!
[standing outside]
Randal Screw me?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clerks
Confrontation About Life Choices and Responsibilities
Dante You get me slapped with a fine, you argue with the customers and I have to patch everything up. You get us thrown out of a funeral by violating a corpse, and then to top it all off, you ruin my relationship. I mean, what's your encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank? You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Randal Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go. Trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex-girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You want to blame somebody? Blame yourself! "I'm not even supposed to be here today." You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulders, like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for havin what's basically a monkey's job. You push fuckin buttons! Anybody could waltz in here and do our jobs. You, you're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante, and badly, I might add. I work in a shitty video store, badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man, he has no delusions about what he does, what he is. Us? We like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper or God forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fuckin advanced, what are we doin working here?
[mimicking]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.