Joseph MazzelloQuotes

Mr. Birch: Simon's sick.

Joe Wenteworth: I know.

Mr. Birch: So was I when I heard what he did last night. The whole town's talkin about it. What a little screw-up.

Joe Wenteworth: Hey, your son is not a screw-up. He's a hero.

Mr. Birch: What the hell are you talkin about?

Joe Wenteworth: I said he's a hero. And you don't deserve him. I want you to know that.

Joe Wenteworth: What is it?

Simon Birch: [Upon seeing a dog] Ah! It's a horse.

Miss Leavey: Didn't your mother ever tell you to keep quiet during mass? What am I saying? Of course she didn't. Your parents don't go to church, do they, Simon? That's because they don't belong here, Simon. And neither do you. Speaking out of turn, disrupting the class, saying that God has a special plan for you? What kind of nonsense is that?

Rebecca Wenteworth: [Furiously bursts into the classroom, having heard the whole thing] And what kind of nonsense is this?!

Miss Leavey: Hello, Rebecca...

Rebecca Wenteworth: Come on, Simon.

Miss Leavey: No, wait, I was teaching him a lesson!

Rebecca: What lessons? Humiliation?

Joe Wenteworth: Oh, man! This is so boss!

Simon Birch: This is all my fault.

Joe Wenteworth: Don't take all the credit, she's my mom.

Miss Leavey: ...telling the other children that he's some kind of hero, that he's God's instrument!

Rebecca Wenteworth: And who's to say he isn't?

Joe Wenteworth: Who do you think would win in a fight?

Simon Birch: Tough say. Miss Leavey's meaner, but she's a smoker. Your mom can outlast her.

Miss Leavey: We can't have him talking that way. It frightens the other children.

Rebecca Wenteworth: Oh, I think the only one who's frightened here is you, Miss Leavey.

Miss Leavey: What? Why would I be afraid of little Simon Birch?

Rebecca Wenteworth: Because that child has more faith than you'll ever know.

Simon Birch: Your problem is that you have no faith.

Joe Wenteworth: I got faith. I just need proof to back it up.

Simon Birch: Your mother has the best breasts of all the mothers.

Joe Wenteworth: [trying to ignore] Yeah.

Simon Birch: And she smells the best too.

Joe Wenteworh: I know.

Simon Birch: She's so sexy that sometimes I forget she's someone's mother.

Joe Wenteworth: Okay. Okay.

Simon Birch: I was just being honest.

Joe Wenteworth: Well, what if I said the same thing about your mother?

Simon Birch: I'd have you committed.

Simon Birch: I was just thinking.

Joe Wenteworth: Yeah?

Simon Birch: Last year we played in the Squirt League, right?

Joe Wenteworth: Uh-huh.

Simon Birch: And this year we're in the Peewees.

Joe Wenteworth: So?

Simon Birch: [silence] Do they want us to play baseball or urinate? Anyway, I was just thinking.

Simon Birch: Not so fast. Slow down. I'm a miracle, you know.

Joe Wenteworth: Yeah, yeah.

Joe Wenteworth: Come on. We're late.

Simon Birch: No, you're late. I'm just riding with you.

Joe Wenteworth: Okay, you grabbed her boobs, and you pulled her into the manger. Big deal. It could've happened to anybody. Well, maybe not anybody.

Joe Wenteworth: [At Simon's bed in the hospital] Jesus, Simon, you look like shit.

Rebecca Wenteworth: Do your thing, Simon! Show em how it's done!

Miss Leavey: Help. Please. I'm gonna strangle him. I swear to God I'm gonna strangle that little granite mouse if it's the last thing I do.

The King: [to Bobby] Hey! What are ya doin up? Go to bed! Go to bed! Not you!

Mike: Yeah, but...

The King: [cuts Mike off] Bobby, come here! Mikey, you go to bed. Bobby, you come here!

Mike: But I wanna stay...

The King: [cuts him off again; the King grabs and pulls Bobby towards him; Shane, the family dog, growls and starts barking whilst Mikey cries; a few minutes later, Bobby, in tears, walks into the room] GO TO BED! Come here, Bobby. Come HERE! Come here. What did I tell ya? What did I tell ya? Why don't you listen to me? Why don't you ever listen to what I TELL YOU TO DO? GET TO BED, YOU LITTLE SON-OF-A-BITCH!

Bobby: [to Mike] We can't stay up so late anymore.

Bobby: [about The King] Bobby: He's coming back, Mike. It's not mom's fault, but he's coming back.

Spencer Griffith:   Hello?

Phase One Assault Cyborsuit:   Hello?

Spencer: [[talk]   You can ]?

Cyborsuit:   You can talk?

Spencer:   Of course I can talk.

Cyborsuit:   Of course I can talk.

Spencer:   Cut it out.

Cyborsuit: [[Language; [English language|English]   Cut it out.  ] data reoriented to ].

Spencer Griffith: [[head] It's ]-crushing time.

Spencer Griffith: [''after being attacked by a broodwarrior'']   Why does everyone want to beat me up‽

Spencer Griffith: [[new; [kid] Hello, Crystal Bluff.  There's a ] ] in town.

Spencer Griffith: [[Shaquille O'Neal] Check it out: I'm ].

Erik: Go ahead.

Dexter: [Drinks and feeling disgusted] Hmm. Oh. Tastes like crap.

Erik: [Puts in several sugar cubes and gives back] No shit. Don't you know where bugs go the bathroom?

Dexter: Sweet and crap.

Dexter: I've been wondering about something. Where do bugs go to the bathroom?

Erik: Not on leaves.

Dexter: How can you be sure?

Erik: ...because bugs eat leaves. Not even bugs are stupid enough to shoot on their own food.

Dexter: It seems to me that the depth of the water would be the key. Obviously in the middle of the ocean the shark would win and on dry land the lion would win. So, how much water are we talking about?

Erik: Two and a half feet.

Dexter: ...and how big is the shark?

Erik: Eleven feet.

Dexter: I still say that the lion would win.

Erik: Wrong.

Dexter: How can you be sure?

Erik: ...because I did research on it at Stanford University; shark won easily.

Erik: How old are you?

Dexter: 11.

Erik: Jesus, you're a midget.

Dexter: Well, if you look at the lower limit at what's considered normal for my age - I'm only 4 inches shorter.

Erik: My grandmother says you're going to hell. She says you'll suffer external torture from a billion flames, hotter than the center of the sun.

Dexter: Hmm. She must be some kind of genius.

Erik: What?

Dexter: Well, my doctor's really smart - he says he has no idea what happens to people after they die. If your grandmother knows she must be a genius.

Erik: She's a clerk at K-Mart.

Erik: Hey! What would you do if I come over there and whooped your ass?

Dexter: How long would that take?

Erik: About ten seconds.

Dexter: I'd wait until you're finished and then I'd continue working on my mud fort.

Erik: You mean you'd just let me beat you up?

Dexter: I'd try to stop you but I'd probably wouldn't be able to. I'm not very big.

Erik: Well, in that case it'll only take five seconds.

Erik: Who's there?

Dexter: Are you asking me?

Erik: Are you spying on me?

Dexter: No, I'm working on my mud fort. What are you doing?

Dexter: [Letter to mom] Dear mom, I've gone with Erik, but I've brought along my medicine so there's no reason to worry. We plan to be careful and sensible. Whatever you do, make sure you remember to tape Star Wars, 8 PM, channel 5. I love you very much. Sincerely, Dexter.

Roadblock: [seeing Mouse is nervous] My first drop, I popped a live round into my mouth. It keeps your teeth from chattering. Give it a shot.

Mouse: Delicious.

Freddie Mercury: What's going on?

Roger Taylor: [he and the rest of Queen stop] You'd know if you were on time.

Freddie Mercury: [to Roger; pause; to Brian May] I'm a performer, darling. Not a Swiss train conductor. Sorry I'm late.

John Deacon: Again.

Freddie Mercury: All right. Now, will you please tell me why you're not playing any instruments?

Brian May: [resumes the 'stomp-stomp-clap' beat for "We Will Rock You." Roger and John join in, followed their wives, and Freddie Mercury.] I want to give the audience a song that they can perform. Right? Let them be part of the band. So, what can they do? Imagine...thousands of people...doing this in unison. Huh?

Freddie Mercury: Well? What's the lyric?

Brian May: It's America. They're Puritans in public, perverts in private.

Roger Taylor: There's no musical ghetto that can contain us.

John Deacon: Nobody knows what Queen means because it doesn't mean one thing.

Ray Foster: Mark these words. If they're not careful, by the end of the year, no one will know the name "Queen".

Roger Taylor: How many more "Galileo"'s do you want?

Mary Austin: [to Freddie] I love the way you move on stage. The whole room belongs to you. Don't you see what you can be?

Brian May & John Deacon: [Roger picks up the coffee machine and almost throws it; in unison] Not the coffee machine!

Eduardo Saverin: You don't think it's strange that he {Sean} was followed by private detectives?

Mark Zuckerberg: Who came up with nothing.

Eduardo Saverin: Enough to get him out of the company. The drugs, the girls.

Mark Zuckerberg: We don't know any of that's true.

Eduardo Saverin: You can read about it.

Mark Zuckerberg: I can read about you torturing birds. Since when did you--

Eduardo Saverin: [Livid] OK, DON'T FISH EAT OTHER FISH?! THE MARLINS AND THE TROUT?!!

Dustin Moskovitz: What's he talking about?