Tim Pigott-SmithQuotes

Sir Henry Ponsonby: [scheduling the timetable for Queen Victoria's jubilee] Jubilee celebrations. 9:00, breakfast in London. Quarter to 10:00, changing of the guard. 11:00, meeting with the Swedish Ambassador. 12:00, luncheon with Oscar II, King of Sweden and Norway, the Norwegian Ambassador, the Chief Under-Secretary of State for the Southern Norwegian Provinces, the Junior Under-Secretary of State for the Northern Norwegian Provinces. 2:00, ceremonial drive down the Mall. Half past 2:00, tea party at Hyde Park for 30,000 children. Half past 4:00, Household departs on the Royal train for Windsor. Half past 6:00, dinner in the Great Hall and the ceremonial presentation of a Mohur.

Pegasus: It's an unmitigated disaster, English!

Johnny English: I couldn't agree more, sir.

Pegasus: [English is momentarily distracted by the sight of Pegasus's secretary (who he accidentally tranquilized earlier) scooting past the doors outside in a wheelchair, glaring at him] Well, we need to get those jewels back, English, and fast! Now tell me about this assailant. Because when they searched the room later, there was no sign of him.

Johnny English: [Uncomfortable; the 'assailant' was made up by him to account for him accidentally knocking a man out] Well, the man was clearly a professional. He must have escaped while the Queen was being sedated.

Pegasus: [A man with a laptop walks into the room] But he's the only lead we've got, English! We have to find him. Oh, come in. This is-this is Roger from Data Support. He'll produce a likeness based on your description. So tell us, what did this man look like?

Johnny English: Well, he was... big.

Roger: Hair colour?

Johnny English: [looks around the room for ideas and spots a fruitbowl] Umm... orange.

Pegasus: [skeptical] Orange?

Johnny English: Mmh. And curly. Well, frizzy, actually. Frizzy sort of thing.

Johnny English: An eye patch, broken nose, very few teeth. Two, I would say at the most. And a scar on his cheek... in the shape... of a banana.

Roger: Which cheek?

Johnny English: Both cheeks. They sort of met in the middle.

Pegasus: Are you sure about this, English?

Johnny English: [surprised by'' made-up appearance''] AH! Oh, that's him, An uncanny resemblance. Why, it's just as if he's in the room with us.

Foreign Secretary: What's today's excuse, that Bond is legally blind?

M: No, minister.

Foreign Secretary: I don't think I need to tell you how upset the PM is.

M: With respect, the PM does have my direct line.

Foreign Secretary: And he'd have used it if he wanted to speak to you. I'm sorry, M, things have changed. We've had long discussions with our cousins. Mr Greene's interests and ours now align.

M: Minister, this man is a major player in one of the most dangerous and powerful organisations-

Foreign Secretary: We've never even heard of. Foreign policy cannot be conducted on the basis of hunches and innuendo.

M: Then give us time to gather enough evidence, so you can make informed decisions.

Foreign Secretary: [pause] Fine. Say you're right, say Greene is a villain. If we refused to do business with villains, we'd have almost no-one to trade with. The world's running out of oil, M. The Russians aren't playing ball, and the Americans and Chinese are dividing up what's left. "Right or wrong" doesn't come into it. We're acting out of necessity. Bond is running wild. Who's to say he hasn't been turned? Pull him in, or the Americans will put him down.