Vinnie JonesQuotes

Danny Meehan: Hello Mr Monk. Can you play football?

Monk: Aye.

Danny: Good. Would you like to play with us?

Monk: Nah.

Danny: We're playing the guards.

Monk: [pause] Aye, then I'm with you.

Chiv: Sound.

Danny Meehan: I'll tell you something. I didn't start off out as a youngster looking to sell my country out.

Massive: None of us planned to be here, mate.

Chiv: Och, away to fuck man. You were a hero in Scotland!

Danny Meehan: [gives the game ball to the governor] Stick that in your trophy cabinet.

Danny Meehan: [Talking to the squad before the game; points towards heart; team replies glumly; team replies whole heartedly] Oh right lads, you wanna be nothing, prisoners...numbers...that's fine. But you win out there today and you'll have something to remember forever, talk about it over and over, because up and down the country there are cons that are pig sick of not being here in your shoes...just to have one crack at those bastards next door! Run your guts out, and you'll have somethin in ere. They can never touch, no parole boards, judges or nutcase governors... NOW... ask yourselves one question...ARE YOU READY? ...YEAH, ARE WE? ...YEAH! THEN, COME ON!

Danny Meehan: [Explaining why he threw the [[w:England national football team|England; [w:German national football team|Germany] ]-] game] It's funny, but when you're in that football world, you just don't realise what it means to people. You only find out how disappointed they are, when you let them down. I was 16 when I signed pro forms. Thought I was the business. Didn't take long for standards to start slipping. Cars, booze, bad tips for slow horses... You think you can handle it, then bang, very soon it's handling you. Before I was picking up trophies, I was 425 grand down to men nasty enough... well, even they would have put the wind up Mr Sykes. But they did give me two choices - a wheelchair for life, or a deliberate penalty against the Germans. It's not as if I've prospered. Look where I've ended up.

Marco: [looks at Stanley while packing away a rocket launcher] What?

Marco: I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: If that launcher was a suppository, would that bad man stick it up my ass? Well, you eyeball me once more boy,

Marco: and i'll stick it so far up your ass you'll be begging me for this bullet.

Scott: I'm never drinking again. Coop, wake up.

Cooper: Oh, man, that was a wild night.

Scott: You think?

Cooper: Scotty, where the hell are we going?

Scott: Don't worry. If anything bad happens, my parents will find us.

Scott's mother: Honey, where's Scotty?

Scott's father: Cooper said they were going camping.

Scott's mother: Oh, that's nice. And where's Bert?

Scott's father: Fuck if I know.

Mad Maynard: [[w:Geopolitics|given the current geopolitical climate; [w:European Parliament|all European countries should have a seat at the table] Hey! How are you, you scalawag! Look, ], ].

Cooper: Right.

Mad Maynard: [[w:Italian people|those fucking Ities] Except ]. I hate them Italian bastards. You know what I mean?

Scott: Excuse me.

Mad Maynard: Hello, boyo!

Scott: What the hell happened last night?

Mad Maynard: You got steamed up, pissed as a fart. Too much sauce, son! Don't worry. We come and got ya, so you wouldn't miss the trip.

Scott: What trip? Where are we going? What do you mean, where are we going?

Mad Maynard: [''All hooligans break out in cheers''] We're going to see the Mighty Reds do the frogs in Paris. Aren't we, boys? Yeah!

Cooper: [''To hooligan''] Why are you yelling at me?

Cecil: [''[[w:Manchester dialect|With heavy Mancunian accent] So I tell the swamp donkey to sock it before I give her a trunky in the tradesman's entrance and have her lick me yardballs!

Cooper: Wow. You guys are on a completely different level of swearing over here.

Scott: Coop? Cooper, we're going to Paris!

Cooper: I know. Cecil told me.

Scott: Mieke's in Berlin.

Cooper: We're not going to Berlin.

Scott: What are we gonna do? We need a plan.

Cooper: See what I'm talking about? This is predictable Scotty talking. Relax. Paris is practically a suburb of Berlin. It's a nothing commute.

Scott: [[w:French-German relations|That's why France and Germany have always been allies] ].

Hooligan: Aye, allies.

Scott: The twins. The twins are in Paris, right? We can call them. They could help. Let me see your phone.

Cooper: [''Scott snatches the phone''] Okay, but I'm only supposed to use this for business calls. Hey, don't...

Mad Maynard: [''Spots a supporter of the rival team''; ''All the hooligans charge after the man''] Hey, lads! That wanker's got a frog football shirt on! Let's give this nancy a fucking good kicking! Come on, lads, he's going off!

Scott: [''Spots them''] All right. Twins said they'd meet us here. Look at that! There they are. Come on. Jenny! Jamie! Hey! Come here!

Jenny: No, no. No, no, no! Scott, bienvenue a Paris!

Scott: Thank you.

Cooper: Is that a new camera?

Jamie: It isn't just a camera, this is a Leica M. Uber-sensitive exposure settings, legendary cloth shutter system.

Cooper: Let me see that thing.

Jamie: [[w:Lacrosse|I spent four years tutoring lacrosse players] No can do. ] to pay for it, so nobody touches my camera but me.

Cooper: [[w:Human penis|your wiener] It's like ].

Jamie: No, it's not... Jenny...

Jenny: Cooper, leave him alone. Wow, I can't believe you came all the way to Europe for a girl.

Cooper: Wait, not just any girl. Show her the picture, Scotty. She makes girls in our high school look like walruses.

Jenny: I'm a girl from your high school.

Cooper: No, I mean "girl" girls.

Scott: [[w:Louvre|the Louvre] Guys, we're wasting the whole day here. We're in Paris! Let's go to ]!

In unison: To the Louvre!

Cooper: [[w:Eiffel Tower|the Eiffel Tower] So, you guys wanna stay here, or should we check out the huge line at ]?

Jamie: [[w:Voltaire|Voltaire; [w:syphilis|syphilis] Here's a fun fact. ] contracted ] two blocks from here. Should we go?

Cooper: Can we please get out of here? This guy's really creeping me out.

Scott: Who, robot man? He's just trying to feed his robot family.

Cooper: I really don't like him.

Scott: Why? Because he's doing this?

Cooper: Okay, seriously, don't do that. Cooper. Do not hate me.

Scott: [''Robotman pushes him''] I am familiar with over 600 dance moves and I am programmed to get... freaky. You're just upset because people like me better. It's okay. Oh!

Jenny: Fight! Fight!

Cooper: Break the leg shot!

Scott: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Jamie: Don't look in his eyes, Scotty.

Scott's friends: Ohhh! That was not cool. Oh!

Scott: Guys, let's go. Come on.

Robotman: Error! Error! Error!

Scott: How cool is this? It's a shame we only get to spend one day together. Why don't you come to Berlin?

Jamie: Umm, no.

Scott: [[w:Denmark|Denmark] Jamie, come on. In a few months, we go to different colleges. This could be the last chance the four of us are together like this. Plus, we're in Europe. Huh? This should be the trip of a lifetime. There's no way we should split up. All right, this table is now Europe, Okay? Excuse me. We are right here, in Paris, and I have got to get to Mieke, who is over here, in Berlin. If you come with us, I'm sure there's a ton of great stuff to see along the way. We can go to ].

Jenny: I love Denmark.

Cooper: [[w:Amsterdam|Amsterdam] We gotta hit ].

Scott: Definitely.

Jamie: [[w:Camaret|the cathedral at Cameret] And ]!

Scott: Yeah... Maybe. We'll see.

Cooper: Whatever.

Scott: If there's time. Come on! I really want you to be there when I meet Mieke.

Cooper: Fine.

Scott: Excellent! All right! A toast!

Cooper: Yes!

Scott: To Mieke! To Europe!

In unison: To Europe! Merci. Berlin, here we come! All right.

Scott: [''Turns attention to computer''; ''Reads e-mail aloud''; ''Looks up dictionary''; ''Starts typing''; [w:Armin Meiwes|you sick, German freak; ''Falls off chair''; ''He wakes up in bed and sees Bert at his computer''] Hey, Mieke. "Dear Scott, I was very sad to hear about your lady woman Fiona dumping you. Since you no longer have a girlfriend, maybe I could come to America "and we could get to know each other better. Perhaps we could... "zussamen." What the fuck is "zussamen"? "Arrange a meeting." No, no, no! Come on! Cooper was right! This guy wants to have sex with me. Listen, Mieke... I don't want to arrange any meetings with you, ]. So please keep your hands off my genitals, and never write to me again, and don't come to America. Goodbye." Oww. I'm never drinking again.

Bert: Oh, that's nice.

Scott: Bert, what are you doing?

Bert: Reading your email.

Scott: Don't do that. Why are you wearing my bathrobe?

Bert: Oh, I'm sorry... but somebody pissed all over mine last night. Wow. I can't believe this German chick wants to come here and hook up with you.

Scott: I don't think so, buddy. Mieke's a guy.

Bert: [[w:German language|"Intro to German"] No, it says right here, "trauriges madchen." "I was a sad girl to hear about Fiona." Fuckin A, Scott. I'm taking ], and even I know that.

Scott: Come here. He sent me a picture, retardo. See? That's a picture of Mieke and his cute cousin, Jan.

Bert: [''Points to photo''; ''Scott's eyes widen in revelation''] No, retardo. That's Jan, a man's name, and that's not "Mike," it's "Mieke," a common German girl's name, similar to our Michelle. I hope you wrote her back and told her to come visit! You didn't?! You thought she was a guy! I'm getting the video camera! Ha! What an asshole!

Scott: [''At computer''] No! No! No! "Address blocked"?! "Email not delivered!" No... come on!

Cooper: [''Bounding into room''; [w:waffle|waffles] Hey, Mom made ]! What's going on?

Scott: I'm in love with my penpal! I'm in love with Mieke!

Cooper: [''Starts rubbing Scott's back''] Okay, okay, you know what? I was actually expecting this, and frankly, no, listen, I'm flattered that you picked me to come out to first. And don't worry about telling your folks, cause I think they already know.

Scott: No, you idiot. Mieke's a girl.

Cooper: [''Pause''] No, no, no, I get it, yeah. He's the girl, then you're the girl. Sometimes you're both the girl. Right? Right? That's hot. But whatever works for you. I'm not gonna judge it.

Scott: Will you stop? Look, come here. Look at this picture.

Cooper: Wow. Who's the hot chick?

Scott: That's "Mike." I mean, Mieke.

Cooper: That's who you've been writing to all this time?

Scott: Until last night, when I took your advice and told her to keep her "hands off my genitals.

Cooper: Given what we know now, that seems like the exact opposite of what you want.

Scott: This is a total disaster.

Cooper: Oh, come on. It's not that bad. Though she is really hot.

Scott: You're not listening. I don't even care what she looks like. Mieke and I had this incredible bond. I told her things I couldn't even tell you.

Cooper: Like what?

Scott: Nothing. It's a figure of speech.

Cooper: No, seriously. What?

Scott: Nothing. The point...

Cooper: You like me better, right?

Scott: This girl is not only smart and funny, and stunningly beautiful, but until I screwed up, she wanted to come all the way to America, just to be with me.

Cooper: So do something about it.

Scott: [[w:Berlin|Berlin] What can I do? She blocked her email account, her phone number's not listed. The only thing I know is she lives in ].

Cooper: So go to Berlin.

Scott: I can't just go to Berlin, Coop.

Cooper: Why not?

Scott: Because... I just can't, Okay? I'm supposed to work for my dad this summer. It looks good on my med school application.

Cooper: Oh, Jesus, Scotty! Man, Fiona was right. You're so predictable.

Scott: [''Face lights up in revelation''; [w:Germany|Germany] I'm going to ].

Cooper: No... WE'RE going to Germany!

Scott: How are we going to get to Germany?!

Cooper: Don't worry. I've got it covered.

Scott: We're going to be couriers?

Cooper: [[w:India|India] Best way to get a cheap flight. We just have to carry their packages, then drop them off when we get there. My cousin did it going to ].

Scott: Yeah?

Cooper: [[w:New Delhi|New Delhi; [w:amputation|cut off his leg] Of course, he ended up using a public restroom in ] and they had to ]. You know... but he got there cheap, is what I'm saying.

Airline desk attendant: [[w:London|London] Okay, I don't have anything to Germany for a week. But I can get you both to ] today for $118. Anything else?

Cooper: [[w:Eastwood Mall|the Eastwood Mall] Europe is the size of ]. We can walk to Berlin from there.

Scott: [[w:England|England's; [w:British Isles|an island] Cooper, ] ].

Cooper: Okay, swim. Whatever. We'll take it.

Scott: Hey. Thanks for coming with me. I know you had that internship at the law firm this summer.

Cooper: Well, forget about the law firm. And don't thank me. I should be thanking you. This trip is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me to broaden my sexual horizons.

Scott: What are you talking about?

Cooper: I'm talking about crazy European sex.

Scott: Ah.

Cooper: [[w:Puritans|You know America was founded by prudes] ]. Prudes who left Europe, because they hated all the kinky, steamy European sex that was going on. And now I, Cooper Harris, will return to the land of my perverted forefathers and claim my birthright, which is a series of erotic and sexually challenging adventures.

Scott: You've really thought a lot about this, haven't you?

Cooper: It's my passion.

Scott: Come on, come on! The adventure begins. Welcome to jolly old England.

Cooper: [''Takes out cellphone''] Yeah, breathe that sweet, sexy, European air. Oh.

Scott: What is that?

Cooper: [''He picks at teeth and eats it''] It's the phone they gave me at the law firm. Yeah, it's pretty neat, huh? Works anywhere. Yeah? Excuse me. Cooper here. Hello, Mr. Walters. Yes, sir, I'm down in file storage. Um, hang on one second. No, sir, I can't find the Gutterman file anywhere. Yes, sir, I'll keep looking. I don't rest until I find it.

Scott: Didn't tell your boss you were leaving the country?

Cooper: They would've stopped paying me. It seemed easier. So, where to?

Scott: I don't know. First bus to Berlin doesn't leave till tomorrow. What do you wanna do?

Cooper: [[w:Tower of London|the Tower of London...; [w:Buckingham Palace|Buckingham Palace] Got ] there's ].

Scott: Uh... There's no drinking age.

Cooper: [''They walk off''] There you go! Come on. Hey! "The Fiesty Goat.

Scott: [''Turns around to study bar patrons who all go silent, turn around and stare with one hooligan stubbing out a cigarette on his arm''] All right! What do you wanna... Soccer Hooligans!

Cooper: [''They turn to walk out and are thwarted by Maynard''] Hey... This isn't where I parked my car.

Mad Maynard: [[w:Manchester United F.C.|Manchester United] Oye, Who the bloody hell are you? This is private members bar exclusively for the supporters of the greatest football team in the world... ]. Now please enlighten me... who the fuck are you?!

Cooper: That is a good question and... Scotty?

Scott: We're the Manchester United Fan Club... from Ohio.

Mad Maynard: If you are the Manchester United Supporters, then sing the Manchester United song!

Scott: Excuse me, I'm sorry I'm not much of a singer.

Mad Maynard: [''He grabs a bottle and smashes it on the floor''] OI... SING!

Scott: [[w:9 to 5 (Sheena Easton song)|My baby takes the morning train, he works from 9 to 5 and then, he takes another home again, to find me watching...; ''pausees''] ] The Manchester United Football team! the best freakin team in all the land woohoo!

Mad Maynard: [''All bar patrons faces light up in approval''] Pretty good... pretty damn good lads, right!

Mad Maynard: [''Spots a rival football fan in [[w:Paris|Paris; [w:Paris FC|got a frog football shirt on; [w:Effeminacy|this Nancy; [w:Swarming (military)|a fucking good kickin'!; ''Hooligans all chase the French football fan''] Hey lads, that wanker's ], let's give ] ] Come on lads, it's goin off!

Mad Maynard: If you're not a Manc, you're a wank!

Bullet Tooth Tony: So, you're obviously the big dick. And there on either side of you are your balls. There are two types of balls. There are big, brave balls, and there are little, mincy faggot balls. Now, dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever; they smell pussy, and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good ol pussy, and have brought your two little, mincey, faggot balls along for a good ol time. But you've got your parties muddled up; there's no pussy here, just a dose that will make you wish you were born a woman. Like a prick, you're having second thoughts. You're shrinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with ya. And the fact that you've got "Replica" written on the side of your guns…and the fact that I've got "Desert Eagle .50" written on the side of mine…should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now…fuck off!

Bullet Tooth Tony: Never underestimate the predictability of stupidity.

Bullet Tooth Tony: [To a would-be assassin who has just run out of bullets] You're in trouble now, boy.

Bullet Tooth Tony: [Madonna's "Lucky Star" comes on on the radio] Oh, I love this track.

Bullet Tooth Tony: [In French version] * Bonjourrr?

Cain Marko / Juggernaut: Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!

Cain Marko / Juggernaut: [to Wolverine, in a deleted scene] I heard your claws can cut through anything. Wanna take a shot?

Little Chris: Fucking hell, John, you always walk around with that in your pocket?

Big Chris: Hey! You use language like that again, son, you'll wish you hadn't!

Big Chris: I've got some bad news for you, John.

John: What the fuck?

Big Chris: Mind your language in front of the boy!

John: Jesus Christ!

Big Chris: That includes blasphemy as well!

Barfly Jack: Rory? Yeah, I know Rory. He's not to be underestimated. He's a funny-looking fucker, I know, but you've got to look past the hair and the cute, cuddly thing – it's all a deceptive facade. A few nights ago Rory's Roger iron's rusted, so he's gone down the battlecruiser to watch the end of the football game. No one's watching the custard, so he switches the channel over. A fat geezer's north opens, and he wanders up and turns the Liza over. "Now fuck off and watch it somewhere else!" Rory knows claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to miss the end of the game. So, calm as a coma, he picks up a fire extinguisher, walks straight past the jam rolls who are ready for action, and plonks it outside the entrance. He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping-pong tiddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer. "That's fucking it," says the geezer. "That's fucking what?" says Rory. And he gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty. He flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest and the geezer's lit up like a leaking gas pipe. Rory, unfazed, turns back to his game. His team's won, too: four–nil.

Big Chris: It's been emotional.

Big Chris: All right, son. Roll them guns up, count the money, and put your seat belt on!

Dog: Golf – the best way to spoil a good walk. Winston Churchill said that. I say it's a dog-eat-dog world. And I got bigger teeth than you two.

Hatchet Harry: I don't want to know who you use, as long as they're not complete muppets.

J.D.: You're lucky you're still breathing, let alone able to walk. I suggest you take full advantage of that fact.

Winston: Charles, get the rifle out. We're being fucked!