A Shot in the Dark Quotes

Inspector Jacques Clouseau Facts, Hercule, ]! Nothing matters but the facts. Without them the ] of criminal investigation is nothing more than a guessing game.

Clouseau Listen to me, Hercule, and you will learn something. Now then, the facts in this case are: the body of the chauffeur was found in the bedroom of the second maid. Fact! Cause of death: Four bullets in the chest. Fact! The bullets were fired at close range from a .25 caliber Beretta automatic. Fact! Maria Gambrelli was discovered with the murder weapon in her hand. Fact! The murder weapon was registered in the name of the deceased, Miguel Ostos, and was kept, mind you, in the glove compartment of the Ballon Rolls-Royce. Fact! Now then, members of the household staff have testified that Miguel Ostos beat... You fool! You have broken my pointing stick! I have nothing to point with now!... have testified that Miguel Ostos beat Maria Gambrelli frequently. And now, finally comes the sworn statement of Monsieur and Madame Ballon, as well as all the members of the staff, each of them with perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule, What is the inescapable conclusion?

Hercule LaJoy Maria Gambrelli killed the chauffeur.

Clouseau What? You idiot! It's impossible. She's protecting someone.

Hercule LaJoy How do you know that?

Clouseau Instinct!

Hercule LaJoy But the facts...

Clouseau You are forgetting the most important fact - motive.

Hercule LaJoy He beat her.

Clouseau He was Spanish!

Hercule LaJoy He tore her dress off.

Clouseau Oh, don't be ridiculous. Would you kill someone who tore your dress off?

Hercule LaJoy No, I suppose not.

Clouseau No, of course not! No, no. No, there is no doubt in my mind, whatsoever, Hercule. Maria Gambrelli is most definitely protecting somebody. Find that somebody, and you have found the murderer. And I shall find the murderer before the day is out. Maria Gambrelli will tell me who he is. Oh, yes.

Clouseau Well... that just goes to prove what I have said all along.

Dreyfus What you've said, Clouseau, qualifies you as the greatest prophet since Custer said he was going to surround all those Indians!

Taglines Meet the inspector who was always on the job In The Bedroom... In The Nightclub... In The Nudist Colony!

Dreyfus Commissioner Dreyfus... Ah, yes, my darling... I was just about to call you. I'm on my way. I've got the cheese and the beaujolais... What? ... My love. Kiss the children for me, hmm?

Dreyfus Hold on. Yes?

Intercom Your wife is on the other line.

Dreyfus Tell her I'm out of town.

Clouseau Facts, Hercule, facts, behind them lays the whole fabric of deductive truth. Now, Hercule let us examine these facts: One... She was found with the murder weapon in her hand, Two... The murder weapon was fresh with blood, Three... There were no fingerprints on the murder weapon other then hers and Four... All the members of the Ballon household staff have perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule what do these facts add up to?

Hercule LaJoy Maria Gambrelli killed Georges the gardener.

Clouseau You are an idiot, only a fresh-faced novice would come up with a conclusion like that.

Hercule LaJoy But the facts...

Clouseau Listen, whoever killed Miguel, killed Georges the gardener and he did it to cover up the first crime. Now, what he is trying to do is lay the blame at the foot of this, this poor servant girl.

Hercule LaJoy Well, who do you suspect?

Clouseau I suspect everyone.

Hercule LaJoy Well... I suppose that is possible.

Clouseau Possible? What do you mean possible? I deal in certainties.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau Well, Cato, I'm back on the case. Ah-ha! Now to set the trap, catch the killer and prove to the world that Maria Gambrelli is innocent... of ]. We must accelerate our training program. You must learn to attack me whenever and wherever I least expect it. And you, you must give no quarter.

Charles Dreyfus Give me ten men like Clouseau and I could destroy the world.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau Look at that. I have ] all over my hand.

Taglines The screen commits the perfect comedy!

Dreyfus He released her again, and he's taking her out to dinner. To dinner. Every paper in ] has the story, including the Christian Science Monitor, and he gave them the story! You see, he claims she's protecting her lover, and the best way to force him into the open is to make him jealous. Jealous! That nincompoop! That megalomaniac! He's setting the science of criminal investigation back a thousand years, and I can't do anything about it!

Psychoanalyst Why not?

Dreyfus Why not? What if he's right?

Taglines ... The Picture That Gets Away With Murder!

Maria Gambrelli You should get out of these clothes immediately! You'll catch your death of pneumonia, you will.

Clouseau Yes, I suppose I probably will. But it's all part of life's rich pageant, you know.

Taglines This is a real high calibre comedy!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau Prison is bad enough, without uncomfortable furniture.

François I made a terrible mistake.

Dreyfus Who did you assign to the case?

François Clouseau.

Dreyfus Oh, my God.

Clouseau I am here on official business and I am looking for someone in the recreation area.

Camp Attendant Not unless you take off your clothes...

Clouseau You, sir, are under arrest.

Camp Attendant Arrest? What for?

Clouseau For making lewd and suggestive remarks to an official of the French government.

Camp Attendant Lewd and suggestive remarks!?

Clouseau Also for indecent exposure; doesn't anyone wear any clothes around here!?

Camp Attendant No!

Clouseau What!!?

Camp Attendant THIS IS A NUDIST COLONY! Nobody gets in until and unless they take their clothes off...And that means all of them, right down to your moustache.

Dreyfus What about the maid?

Clouseau The maid?

Dreyfus Was he jealous of her too? He strangled her.

Clouseau It is possible that his intended victim was a man and that he made a mistake.

Dreyfus A mistake?... in a nudist camp?

Clouseau Nobody's perfect.

Dreyfus Idiot nincompoop lunatic!

Clouseau There is something... personal... in this?

Dreyfus Yes, deeply personal. I hate you! Every little bit of you! Now get out!

Clouseau You want me to leave?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau I believe everything and I believe nothing. I suspect everyone and I suspect no one.

François He was disguised as hunter to watch over the Ballon house.

Dreyfus Give me ten men like Clouseau, and I could destroy the world. Where is he now?

François I don't know. After I got his release, he received a phone call. He ran from his office yelling he had found the clue that would crack the case.

Dreyfus This case is already so full of cracks one more won't make any difference. François.

François Yes, commissioner?

Dreyfus I just cut off my thumb.

Charles Dreyfus If someone has been murdered here, please let it be Clouseau.

Taglines There was a young sleuth full of tricks, solving murders would give him such kicks, till a suspect he treasured was found to be measured 36-26-36!

Taglines It's Sellers the Sleuth... and there's nothing he won't do to track down a body -- dead or alive!