Last week on "Revenge," Victoria Grayson and Emily Thorne were in the middle of a good ol' fashioned screaming match when everyone's favorite Canadian, Malcolm Black (and his inexplicably Irish accent), shot them with tranquilizers. Now these arch enemies are rotting away in a jail cell (which we fear has neither running water nor an endless supply of Louboutins), while everyone else is epically failing to rescue them. No seriously, Jack Porter is not qualified to be a policeman. Someone please help him help himself.

Victoria and Emily Get Their Bond On, Jack Porter Attempts To Hatch A Plan

Victoria and Emily have been Malcolm-napped, and now it's up to David Clarke and Jack Porter to save them. In other words, we're so worried. To make matters worse, Malcolm wants his daughter, Agent Kate Taylor, alive –– which is slightly tricky considering that Jack murdered her. The thought of David and Jack being responsible for Victoria and Emily's fate is a terrifying prospect (neither of them has a great track record with...well, anything, if we're honest), but fortunately, Jack convinces Officer Ben Hunter to join the dream team.

Sure, Ben is slightly moody due to being left out of the revengey loop, but at least he has a few functioning brain cells. With his help, Jack and David re-edit Kate's voice messages so Malcolm thinks she's alive, and then Ben and Jack set about locating Emily and Victoria. Sounds like a plan! Of course David is no help whatsoever, and decides to go on some insane vigilante mission all on his lonesome.

Meanwhile, Victoria and Emily spend their time in jail braiding each other's hair and making friendship lanyards, by which we mean arguing every spare second they get. And to make matters more tense, Victoria gives up Jack's name in exchange for her potential freedom, which prompts Emily to tell Victoria that David's trying to kill her. Um, rude. (Note: turns out this is actually a ploy to get Jack's attention –– keep reading!)

Louise Ellis Gains Her Freedom, David's Plan Fails (Surprise, Surprise)

Now that Louise Ellis has stopped taking the unprescribed medication that her family was secretly feeding her, she's ready to plot her revenge. The perfect opportunity? When this Southern belle's mother decides to summer in The Hamptons after learning from Lyman that her darling daughter is acting out. Mrs. Ellis threatens to cut off Louise financially, which gives Nolan a brilliant idea: He and Louise should totally get married! That usually solves all probems!

These fast friends decide to get hitched on the fly, making Nolan Louise's conservator –– which means he controls her cash flow. Sounds good, except Mrs. Ellis is like (in so many words) "Oh, I forgot to mention that you killed your father and I'm going to tell everyone, bye!" So, yeah, it's safe to say that plan backfired.

While Louise battles her domineering mother, one of Malcolm's henchmen pays a visit to Jack and Ben, but fear not –– Ben beats said henchman to a pulp and finds a clue to Emily's location hidden on his body. Meanwhile, David "I Am Literally The Worst At Planning Things Ever" meets up with Malcolm for a daughter switcheroo, but Malcolm immediately realizes that Kate is dead, shoots David in the thigh, and locks him up with Emily and Victoria. You know what that means: Jack and Ben have to save the day. God help us all.

Jack Is an Unlikely Hero, Margaux Is an Unlikely Enemy

Despite plotting Victoria's death, David (who's being a huge baby about his gun shot wound, by the way) refuses to kill either Emily or Victoria when Malcolm asks him to. Naturally, Malcs decides he should probably burn them to a crisp instead –– starting with Emily! However, before Malcolm can kill off "Revenge's" main revenger, Victoria saves Em's life and tells Malcolm that she killed Kate. Shocking. Of course, before Malcolm can fly into a rage, Ben and Jack actually manage to save the day and Malcolm ends up being shot! Plus, Victoria apologizes to David for betraying him.

So...happy ending? Not quite. Remember last week when Victoria told Margaux the truth about Emily? Thanks to all those pregnancy hormones, Margaux basically cannot with Miss Thorne, and decides to reveal her secret. Of course, first she has to hire a henchman of her own to find evidence, and we have a feeling we'll see this handsome fellow when "Revenge" returns next week!

Burning Questions

1. Will Margaux actually find evidence against Emily? She's pretty good at covering her tracks.

2. Has Victoria really forgiven Emily and David, or is this just a trick?

3. Ben and Emily were getting pretty cozy at the end –– are they about to start dating, and how will that make Jack feel?

4. Wait, did Louise really kill her dad?!

5. Jack and Ben are basically corrupt cops at this point. Will it come back to bite them?