Alan Alda Quotes

Bert Spitz Getting divorced with a kid is one of the hardest things to do. It's like a death without a body.

Lester If it bends it's funny. If it breaks, it's not funny.

Lester Idea for a farce. A poor...loser does a documentary of a great man and in the process learns some deep values.

Bert Spitz You know what this is like? This is like that joke about the woman at the hairdresser, she's going to Rome. You know this?

Charlie Barber I don't.

Bert Spitz This woman is at her hairdresser, and she says, "I'm going to Rome on Holiday." And he says, "Oh, really? What airline are you taking?" She says, "Alitalia." He says, "Alitalia? Are you crazy? That's the worst – that's terrible. Don't take that. Where you gonna stay?" She says, "I'm gonna stay at the Hassler." "The Hassler? What, are you kidding? They're renovating the Hassler. You'll hear hammering all night long. You won't sleep. What are you gonna see?" She says, "I think I'm gonna try to go the Vatican." "The Vatican? You'll be standing in line all day long. You'll never get to see anything.

Charlie Barber I'm sorry, Bert, am I paying for this joke?

Bert Spitz And keep in mind, you'll have to pay for her lawyer. Well, at least part of her. It doesn't make sense, does it? I mean, you're doing this because you love your kid. And in doing so, you're draining money from your kid's education.

Lester I told you I'm putty in your hands.

Halley What am I gonna do with a handful of putty?

Lester If you play your cards right, you could have my body.

Halley Wouldn't you rather leave it to science?

Bert Spitz I want you to know that eventually this'll all be over, and whatever we win or lose, it'll be the two of you having to figure this out together.

Lester I'll be honest. You're not my first choice.

Dr. Robert Gallo All right, explain one thing to me. Ten times ten times ten, my name is in every book ever written on the human retrovirus. Why would you get in bed with the French instead of me?

Dr. Don Francis Is it you against the French? I thought we were all against the virus. If you go to court now, everybody loses. You, the people who die while you quibble...

Dr. Robert Gallo What do you want?

Dr. Don Francis I want to stop you from turning a holocaust into an international pissing contest!

Charlie Barber Will we go to court?

Bert Spitz No. No, we don't want to go to court. Courts in California are a disaster, and that's just how we have to think about it. I'm not sure these are my glasses. Where are you living while you're out here?

Charlie Barber I'm in a hotel right now.

Bert Spitz A hotel doesn't look good.

Charlie Barber To who?

Bert Spitz The court.

Charlie Barber Y-You just said we weren't going to go to court.

Bert Spitz No, of course. Of course. We have to prepare to go to court hoping we don't go to court.

Lester Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Sidney Miller If I wasn't happily married and you weren't my wife's stepsister, I'd have an affair with you in a second.

Sidney Miller I swear, I'm hotter than a goat in China.

Dr. Robert Joley We're too young to settle for a twin-bedded friendship.