Barnard Hughes Quotes

Grandpa Looks like I wasn't the only one who got lucky last night.

Michael Grandpa, is it true that Santa Carla's the murder capital of the world?

Grandpa There are some bad elements around here.

Sam Wait a second, let me get this straight. You're telling me we've moved to the murder capital of the world? Are you serious, Grandpa?

Grandpa Well, let me put it this way. If all the corpses buried around here were to stand up all at once we'd have one hell of a population problem.

Grandpa Now, on Wednesdays when the mailman brings the TV Guide sometimes the address label is curled up just a little. You'll be tempted to tear it off. Don't. You'll only wind up rippin the cover and I don't like that. And stay outta here.

Sam Wait, you have a TV?

Grandpa No. I just like to read the TV Guide. Read the TV Guide, you don't need a TV.

Grandpa Rules! We've got some rules around here. Second shelf is mine. That's where I keep my cocktail peanuts, my Diet Pepsi and my double-thick animal crackers. Nobody touches the second shelf but me. Now, there's another rule around here, and I want you to pay very close attention to it. Don't touch anything. Everything is exactly where I want it.

Grandpa Anything in here that might pass for after-shave?

Sam How about some Windex, Grandpa?

Grandpa Yeah, let me try some of that. Not bad!

Michael You have a big date tonight, Grandpa?

Grandpa I'm going to drop my handiwork by the widow Johnson.

Michael What'd ya stuff for her? Mr. Johnson?

Grandpa Lucy, you're the only woman I ever knew who didn't improve her situation by getting divorced.

Michael Looks like he's dead!

Lucy No, he's just a deep sleeper.

Sam If he's dead, can we go back to Phoenix?

Grandpa Playin dead. And from what I heard, doin a damn good job of it, too.