Bob Balaban Quotes

Absence of Malice

Government Service and Its Limitations

James A. Wells What'd you figure you'd do after government service, Elliott?

Elliott Rosen I'm not quitting.

James A. Wells You ain't no Presidential appointee, Elliott. One that hired you is me. You got thirty days.

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Waiting for Guffman

Discussing Music in a Challenging Situation

Lloyd Miller I don't want to interfere, but I think it would be... I think we have to work on...

[whispering]

Corky St. Clair I can't hear you!

Lloyd Miller I think we have to work on the music a little bit more. But I don't want to make trouble. So, and I don't really want to do this in front of them...

[normal voice; whispering again]

Corky St. Clair Well, where do you want to do it?

Lloyd Miller Well, I think we have to sit down and make a schedule that includes some music time, because I think Jane and I have to work...

[whispering]

Corky St. Clair Why are you whispering? I'm right here, you know?

Lloyd Miller Oh I'm sorry, do you want me to talk louder? Because I think that that it would be...

[raising voice considerably]

Corky St. Clair Well now it's too loud! You know, just talk like a normal person, OK?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Mexican

Consequences of a Mistaken Impression

Jerry Oh, Ok, I was under the impression, with Margolese getting out of jail and all, that the last job, was my last job.

Bernie Nayman You fucked up that job.

Bobby Victory You fucked up that job, Jerry.

Bernie Nayman Yeah, this job, will be your last job.

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The Mexican

Recurring Issues in Financial Accountability

Bernie Nayman It burns my ass to write you a check every week. That's an issue.

Jerry I can explain what happened.

Bernie Nayman You say to people "I can explain what happened" when it's a once in a while, blue moon thing.

Bobby Victory It's every time with you, Jerry.

Bernie Nayman It's every fucking time.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Mexican

Life Choices in a Dangerous Situation

Bernie Nayman Jerry, You're a fucking moron. Here are your options: Number 1, I roll you up to the neck in a carpet, stuff you into the back of a sedan, and light you on fire with gasoline. You with me? Choice one.

Jerry Yeah.

Bernie Nayman Number 2, You like sex and travel? What, you like to have sex, you like to travel? You get you ass on a flight to Mexico. All the ten dollar hookers you can shake your stick at. You pick up a pistol that belongs to Margolese. What's it going to be?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Mighty Wind

Discussion on Banjo's Appearance and Dimension

Lawrence E. Turpin Alright, here's your giant banjo...

Jonathan Steinbloom Um-hmm. It's very flat.

Lawrence E. Turpin Well, it doesn't look flat from in the audience.

Jonathan Steinbloom It has basically, no dimension to it.

Lawrence E. Turpin Well, it's painted to look three dimensional. If you go back there, trust me...

Jonathan Steinbloom But it's not painted on the back. I'm looking ot the back right now. Will you look with me for a minute?

Lawrence E. Turpin Why would it be... From the audience it's gonna look perfectly fine. And It looks three dimensional. Just go out there and take a peek.

Jonathan Steinbloom Well, is this the real furniture or is this the rehearsal furniture?

Lawrence E. Turpin Well, A it's not called furniture. It's a set.

Jonathan Steinbloom Uh-huhh...

Lawrence E. Turpin And it's painted this way. It looks completely three dimensional from the audience, if you just go out that way, Mr. Steinbloom.

Jonathan Steinbloom So this is the real furniture, and this is... Is this an actual street lamp?

Lawrence E. Turpin I'm sure it was at one time.

Jonathan Steinbloom Can you have an actual three dimensional object that's represents the thing that it actually is, can that be next to something that it's pretending to be? Would that be okay?

Lawrence E. Turpin Yes, it's perfectly fine. You know, I really don't have time to explain Stagecraft 101. This show starts in an hour. Now, every... everything is exactly the way you...

Jonathan Steinbloom And what are tho... what's tha... that... Those are lights hanging up there?

Lawrence E. Turpin Yes, those are lights...

Jonathan Steinbloom Could they fall?

Lawrence E. Turpin ...and that's a ceiling above us!

Jonathan Steinbloom But they look shaky.

Lawrence E. Turpin No, they're not shaky, they're perfectly...

Jonathan Steinbloom Is that wire? I see a wire. I see a...

Jonathan Steinbloom Oww!

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Lady in the Water

Facing Fate with Unwavering Resolve

Harry Farber * Last words before being killed by the scrunt

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Lady in the Water

The End of Originality in Creativity

Harry Farber There is no originality left in the world, Mr. Heep — that is a sad fact I have come to live with.

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Altered States

Experiencing Overwhelming Sensations and Revelations

Mason Parrish He is off the wall.

Arthur Rosenberg Are you okay?

[on the microphone]

Eddie Jessup Get this stuff. It's new. It's deafening. The noise is deafening. Can you hear me above this noise? Oh, my God. The most unbelievable thing I've seen. I'm watching the birth agony of a mountain.

[on the microphone; shivering]

Mason Parrish Oh, my God.

Arthur Rosenberg Are you okay?

[on the microphone]

Eddie Jessup I'm fine. Really, I'm fine.

[on the microphone]

Arthur Rosenberg Do you want me to bring you down now?

[on the microphone]

Mason Parrish What happens now?

Arthur Rosenberg He's blacked-out. His blackouts can get pretty freaky. Sometimes they last as long as four hours. When he comes out, he's chipper as a bird but doesn't remember a thing.

Mason Parrish Just how dangerous is this stuff he brought back from Mexico?

Arthur Rosenberg I didn't say dangerous, I said it was weird. Hangs around too long. And what's really screwy is it heads straight for the brain.

Mason Parrish Well, I don't believe this. You guys are shooting up an untested drug that stacks up in the brain, works in the nucleus of the cell, and don't call that dangerous?

Arthur Rosenberg For the record, we don't actually shoot up.

Mason Parrish Heh, heh, heh.

Arthur Rosenberg Eddie drinks a 10...

Mason Parrish Well, It's gonna stop right now. You guys are supposed to be scientists, not two kids in the dorm, freaking out on Mexican mushrooms.

Arthur Rosenberg Well, why do you think I called you for? Let's see you stop him.

Lady in the Water

A Moment from a Family Horror Film

Harry Farber A dog inside the building. Go! Shoo! … Why you're not a dog at all. … Oh, my god, this is like a moment from a horror movie. … This is precisely the moment where the mutation or beast will attempt to kill an unlikable side character. But, in stories where there has been no prior cursing, violence, nudity or death, such as in a family film, the unlikable character will escape his encounter, and be referenced later in the story, having learned valuable lessons. He may even be given a humorous moment to allow the audience to feel good about him. This is where I turn to run. You will leap for me, I will shut the door, and you will land a fraction of a second too late.

Gosford Park

Discussion of Upcoming Film Project

Lady Sylvia McCordle Mr Weissman.

Morris Weissman Yes?

Lady Sylvia McCordle Tell us about the film you're going to make.

Morris Weissman Oh, sure. It's called "Charlie Chan In London". It's a detective story.

Mabel Nesbitt Set in London?

Morris Weissman Well, not really. Most of it takes place at a shooting party in a country house. Sort of like this one, actually. Murder in the middle of the night, a lot of guests for the weekend, everyone's a suspect. You know, that sort of thing.

Lady Trentham How horrid. And who turns out to have done it?

Morris Weissman Oh, I couldn't tell you that. It would spoil it for you.

Lady Trentham Oh, but none of us will see it.

A Mighty Wind

Overprotective Parenting and Unexpected Helmets

Jonathan Steinbloom (referring to his mother) You could say she was overly protective - I just like to think she cared about me, which she did, a lot. And I was a member of the chess team and whenever we would have chess tournaments I had to wear a protective helmet, I had to wear a football helmet. Now who knows what she was thinking? Maybe she thought that we might have fallen maybe and impaled our heads on a pointy bishop or something, I don't know.

A Mighty Wind

Warning About Floral Arrangements at Performance

Jonathan Steinbloom Before we begin tonight's performance I would like to make a brief announcement. I'd like to warn you that some of the floral arrangements at tonight's performance have dangerously low hanging vines and may be poisonous. So please, whatever you do, don't eat em and don't become entangled in them or trip, please.

Altered States

The Complexity of Relationships and Self-Discovery

Eddie Jessup Emily's quite content to go on with this ]. She insists she's in ] with me — whatever that is. What she means is she prefers the senseless pain we inflict on each other to the pain we would otherwise inflict on ourselves. But I'm not afraid of that solitary pain. In fact, if I don't strip myself of all this clatter and clutter and ridiculous ritual, I shall go out of my fucking mind. Does that answer your question, Arthur?

[[life; [love]

Arthur Rosenberg What question was that?

Eddie Jessup You asked me why I was getting divorced.

Arthur Rosenberg Oh, listen, it's your life. I'm sorry I even asked.

Memorable Quotes from Bob Balaban