Bruce CampbellQuotes

Coach Boomer: What if I told you she's not just a twin, she's an evil twin?

Mr. Medulla: This Friday, you say?

Coach Boomer: [chuckles] Medulla, you dog!

Mail Room Orienter: [Spoken/Shouted very quickly] You punch in at 8:30 every morning, except you punch in at 7:30 following a business holiday, unless it's a Monday, then you punch in at 8 o'clock. Punch in late and they dock you. Incoming articles get a voucher, outgoing articles provide a voucher. Move any article without a voucher and they dock you. Letter size a green voucher, oversize a yellow voucher, parcel size a maroon voucher. Wrong color voucher and they dock you! 6787049A/6. That is your employee number. It will not be repeated! Without your employee number you cannot get your paycheck. Inter-office mail is code 37, intra-office mail 37-3, outside mail is 3-37. Code it wrong and they dock you! This has been your orientation. Is there anything you do not understand, is there anything you understand only partially? If you have not been fully oriented, you must file a complaint with personnel. File a faulty complaint and they dock you!

Public Address System: [moment of silence] Attention all Hudsucker employees. Attention all Hudsucker employees. We regretfully announce that at thirty seconds after the hour of noon, Hudsucker time, Waring Hudsucker, Founder, President, and Chairman of the Board of Hudsucker Industries, merged with the infinite. To mark this occasion of corporate loss, we ask that all employees observe a moment of silent contemplation. Thank you for your kind attention. This moment has been duly-noted on your time cards and will be deducted from your pay. That is all.

Hutchinson: You! Yah, you, Barnes. You don't look busy! Think you can handle a blue letter? This letter was sent down this morning by the big guy himself! At's right, Waring Hudsucker! It's addressed to Sid Mussburger! Hudsucker's right-hand man! It's a Blue Letter! That means you put it right in Mussburger's hand. No secretaries! No receptionists! No colleagues! No excuses! MUSSBURGER!

Bumstead: No magazines. No coffee. Mussburger! I wanna see Mussburger! Or did he jump out a window too?

Smitty: [repeated line] Let's grab a highball.

Jake: (looking out a cabin window) We gotta go out there and find her.

Ash: [turns back to the pages, visibly shaken] (looks up from the missing Necronomicon pages) If she's out in those woods, you can forget about it.

Annie: What's wrong?

Ash: [points at one of the pages] Felt like someone just walked over my grave. What's that picture? What is that?

Annie: In 1300 AD they called this man the... Hero from the Sky. He was prophesied to have destroyed the Evil.

Ash: Didn't do a very good job... Can you find it?

Annie: Here it is, two passages. Recitation of this first passage will make this dark spirit manifest itself in the flesh.

Ash: Why the hell would we want to do that?

Bobby Joe: [pointing to a room whose door opened by itself] It's in there...

Ash: We'll all go in together.

Jake: Hell no! You're the curious one!

Possessed Linda: [crying as normal Linda with her head in the vice] Please Ash, please don't hurt me. You swore - you swore we'd always be together. I love you.

Ash: [In anguish] Noooooo!

Possessed Linda: [as Deadite] Yes! Your love was a lie, and now she burns in hell!

Linda: Even now we have your darling Linda's soul. She suffers in torment!

Ash: You're going DOWN!

Henrietta: [her severed head wobbling on the floor; Ash steps on Henrietta's head] Hey! I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul! I'll-- ACK!

Ash: [aims shotgun at her face; blasts Henrietta's head apart] Swallow this.

Ash: [talking to mirror] I'm fine... I'm fine...

Bad Ash: I don't think so. We just cut up our girlfriend with a chainsaw. Does that sound "fine"?

Ash: So, what do you think, kid?

Linda: [about to kiss] I love it, Ash. I feel funny about being here. What if the people who own this place come home?

Ash: They're not going to come back. Even if they do, we'll tell them the car broke down or something.

Linda: Yeah, with your car they'd believe it.

Ash: Hey...what do you say we have some champagne, eh baby?

Linda: [chuckles] Sure.

Ash: After all, I'm a man, and you're a woman...at least, last time I checked.

Ash: Now the sun will be up in an hour or so, and we can all get out of here together. You, me, Linda, Shelly. Hmm... Well... not Shelly, see? We'll all be going home together. Wouldn't you like to be going home? I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you? Scott?

Ash: Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store.

Possessed woman: Who the hell are you?!

Ash: [cocks rifle; then a fight breaks out, and he shoots the Possessed Woman in the stomach makes her fly backwards and lands on her feet] Name's Ash. Housewares.

Possessed Woman: [Looks at seeing a hole in her stomach, then gets mad and looks at Ash] I'll swallow your soul!

Ash: Come get some.

Possessed Sheila: You found me beautiful once...

Ash: Honey, you got reeeal ugly!

Scout: My Lord, an army of the dead gather in the wilderness, and they approach the castle.

Lord Arthur: How far from here?

Scout: Bout two days ride.

Lord Arthur: Then these winged ones are only the first of them.

Wiseman: Perhaps we should leave this place as soon as possible?

Man 1: We can be safe in the hills!

Man 2: Yes, the mountains!

Wiseman: It is written, Arthur! It is been foretold!

Man 1: They'll take our souls!

Man 2: I'm afraid!

Man 1: They'll swallow our souls!

Man 2: And we're about to DIE!

Ash: That's it. Go ahead and run! Run home and cry to mama! Me? I'M THROUGH RUNNING! I say we stay here and fight it out.

Lord Arthur: Are all men from the future loudmouthed braggarts?!

Ash: Nope. Just me, baby. Just me.

Wiseman: When you removed the book from the cradle, did you speak the words?

Ash: Yeah, basically.

Wiseman: Did you speak the exact words?!

Ash: Look, maybe I didn't say every single little tiny syllable, no, but basically I said them, yeah!

Wiseman: Dung-eating fool! Thou hast doomed us all! When thou misspoke the words, the army of the dead awoke!

Ash: Now whoa, whoa, whoa right there, spinach-chin!

Ash: What are you? Are you me?

Evil Ash: What are do? Are you me?" HAHAHOOHOOHOOHOO! You sound like a jerk!

Ash: Why ya doin this, huh?

Evil Ash: [doing a taunting dance; begins to sucker-punch Ash; honks] Oh, you wanna know? Cause the answer's easy! I'm BAD Ash... and you're GOOD Ash! You're a goody little two-shoes! You're a goody little two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody TWO-SHOES! Little goody TWO-SHOES! HEHEHEHEHE! LITTLE GOODY TWO-SHOES! HEHEHE--

Ash: [fires shotgun at "Evil Ash"] Good, bad... I'm the guy with the gun.

Ash: [cocks shotgun, points it under "Evil Ash"'s nose and fires] I ain't that good.

Ash: [attacked by miniature versions of himself] Oh, you little bastards! All right! I'll crush each and every one of ya! I'll crush you to PIECES, I'm telling ya! I'll squash you so hard, you'll have to look up to look down--

Mini Ash: [drops a bucket down onto his head] Hey, dumbass!

Wiseman: This path will lead you to an unholy place, a cemetery. There, the Necronomicon awaits. When thou retrievest the book from its cradle, you must recite the words "Klaatu Barada Nikto".

Ash: Klaatu Barada Nikto." Okay...

Wiseman: Well, repeat them.

Ash: [exasperated] Klaatu Barada Nikto".

Wiseman: Again!

Ash: I GOT IT, I GOT IT! I know your damn words, all right?! Now you get this straight, the both of ya: if I get that book, you send me back. After that, I'm history.

Duke Henry: You're not one of my vassals... who are you?

Ash: Who wants to know?

Duke Henry: I am Henry the Red, Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northland and leader of its peoples.

Ash: Well, hello, Mister Fancypants! I've got news for you, pal, you ain't leadin but two things right now: Jack and shit... and Jack left town.

Ash: How about some hot chocolate? huh?

Ash: [Last Lines (Director's Cut)] Oh God...! No! NO! I SLEPT TOO LOOOOOOONG!!!!!!

Ash: [Last Lines (Theatrical Cut)] Hail to the king, baby!

Ash: [final monologue] Sure I could've stayed in the past. Could've even been king. But in my own way, I am king.

Ash: [sets "Evil Ash" on fire, then swings towards him on a rope; kicks him off the castle wall] TALLY HOOOO!

Ash: [crushing skeletons with boulders] OH, THAT'S GOTTA HURT!

Ash: Keep your damn filthy bones outta my mouth!

Ash: [clears his throat into his hand, then pauses] Klaatu Barada NNNNNNecktie. Nectar. Nickel. Noodle. It's an "N" word, it's definitely an "N" word! Klaatu... Barada... N Okay... that's it!

Ash: Three books? Wait a minute... hold it. Nobody said anything about three books! Ooh, that stinkin wiseman! He was so busy fillin me full of his secret little words and his phrases and his BULLSHIT, that he never said anything about this!

Ash: Good, bad... I'm the guy with the gun.

Ash: [about to kiss Sheila] Gimme some sugar, baby.

Ash: It's a trick. Get an axe.

Ash: Yo, she-bitch! Let's go!

Ash: [spits out grape seed] First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.

Ash: [continuing nonchalantly; yells, shoots at the pit Deadite, then shoots again] All right, you primitive screw-heads, listen up! See this? This... is my BOOMSTICK! It's a twelve-gauge, double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt-blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right... shop smart: shop S-Mart... YA GOT THAT?! Now I swear, the next one of you primates even touches me...

Ash: [now Ash is in a flashback; back to monologue; Flashback: Ash and Linda at the cabin; something crashes through the window of the cabin and Linda screams; Ash is seen cutting off his hand; Ash gets pulled into the vortex holding onto the doorway] My name is Ash, and I am a slave. As close as I can figure, the year is 1300 AD, and I'm being dragged to my death. Wasn't always like this. I had a real life once, a job. Hardware, aisle twelve. Shop smart: shop S-Mart! I had a wonderful girlfriend, Linda. Together we drove to a small cabin in the mountains. It seems an archaeologist had come to this remote place to translate and study his latest find: Necronomicon Ex-Mortis, The Book of the Dead. Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, this ancient Sumerian text contained bizarre burial rites, funerary incantations and demon resurrection passages. It was never meant for the world of the living. The book awoke something dark in the woods. It took Linda, and then it came for me. It got into my hand and it went bad, so I lopped it off at the wrist. But that didn't stop it. It came back... Big time. For God's sake! How do you stop it?!