Bruce Campbell Quotes

Ash I'm fine... I'm fine...

Bad Ash I don't think so. We just cut up our girlfriend with a chainsaw. Does that sound "fine"?

Mail Room Orienter You punch in at 8:30 every morning, except you punch in at 7:30 following a business holiday, unless it's a Monday, then you punch in at 8 o'clock. Punch in late and they dock you. Incoming articles get a voucher, outgoing articles provide a voucher. Move any article without a voucher and they dock you. Letter size a green voucher, oversize a yellow voucher, parcel size a maroon voucher. Wrong color voucher and they dock you! 6787049A/6. That is your employee number. It will not be repeated! Without your employee number you cannot get your paycheck. Inter-office mail is code 37, intra-office mail 37-3, outside mail is 3-37. Code it wrong and they dock you! This has been your orientation. Is there anything you do not understand, is there anything you understand only partially? If you have not been fully oriented, you must file a complaint with personnel. File a faulty complaint and they dock you!

Public Address System Attention all Hudsucker employees. Attention all Hudsucker employees. We regretfully announce that at thirty seconds after the hour of noon, Hudsucker time, Waring Hudsucker, Founder, President, and Chairman of the Board of Hudsucker Industries, merged with the infinite. To mark this occasion of corporate loss, we ask that all employees observe a moment of silent contemplation. Thank you for your kind attention. This moment has been duly-noted on your time cards and will be deducted from your pay. That is all.

Hutchinson You! Yah, you, Barnes. You don't look busy! Think you can handle a blue letter? This letter was sent down this morning by the big guy himself! At's right, Waring Hudsucker! It's addressed to Sid Mussburger! Hudsucker's right-hand man! It's a Blue Letter! That means you put it right in Mussburger's hand. No secretaries! No receptionists! No colleagues! No excuses! MUSSBURGER!

Bumstead No magazines. No coffee. Mussburger! I wanna see Mussburger! Or did he jump out a window too?

Smitty Let's grab a highball.

Henrietta Hey! I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul! I'll-- ACK!

Ash Swallow this.

Ash Keep your damn filthy bones outta my mouth!

Jake (looking out a cabin window) We gotta go out there and find her.

Ash (looks up from the missing Necronomicon pages) If she's out in those woods, you can forget about it.

Annie What's wrong?

Ash Felt like someone just walked over my grave. What's that picture? What is that?

Annie In 1300 AD they called this man the... Hero from the Sky. He was prophesied to have destroyed the Evil.

Ash Didn't do a very good job... Can you find it?

Annie Here it is, two passages. Recitation of this first passage will make this dark spirit manifest itself in the flesh.

Ash Why the hell would we want to do that?

Ash Klaatu Barada NNNNNNecktie. Nectar. Nickel. Noodle. It's an "N" word, it's definitely an "N" word! Klaatu... Barada... N Okay... that's it!

Bobby Joe It's in there...

Ash We'll all go in together.

Jake Hell no! You're the curious one!

Ash Hail to the king, baby!

Ash Oh God...! No! NO! I SLEPT TOO LOOOOOOONG!!!!!!

Ash Now the sun will be up in an hour or so, and we can all get out of here together. You, me, Linda, Shelly. Hmm... Well... not Shelly, see? We'll all be going home together. Wouldn't you like to be going home? I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you? Scott?

Wiseman When you removed the book from the cradle, did you speak the words?

Ash Yeah, basically.

Wiseman Did you speak the exact words?!

Ash Look, maybe I didn't say every single little tiny syllable, no, but basically I said them, yeah!

Wiseman Dung-eating fool! Thou hast doomed us all! When thou misspoke the words, the army of the dead awoke!

Ash Now whoa, whoa, whoa right there, spinach-chin!

Ash How about some hot chocolate? huh?

Ash All right, you primitive screw-heads, listen up! See this? This... is my BOOMSTICK! It's a twelve-gauge, double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt-blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right... shop smart: shop S-Mart... YA GOT THAT?! Now I swear, the next one of you primates even touches me...

Ash TALLY HOOOO!

Coach Boomer What if I told you she's not just a twin, she's an evil twin?

Mr. Medulla This Friday, you say?

Coach Boomer Medulla, you dog!

Ash Three books? Wait a minute... hold it. Nobody said anything about three books! Ooh, that stinkin wiseman! He was so busy fillin me full of his secret little words and his phrases and his BULLSHIT, that he never said anything about this!

Ash Oh, you little bastards! All right! I'll crush each and every one of ya! I'll crush you to PIECES, I'm telling ya! I'll squash you so hard, you'll have to look up to look down--

Mini Ash Hey, dumbass!

Ash Good, bad... I'm the guy with the gun.

Ash OH, THAT'S GOTTA HURT!

Ash Gimme some sugar, baby.

Possessed Sheila You found me beautiful once...

Ash Honey, you got reeeal ugly!

Wiseman This path will lead you to an unholy place, a cemetery. There, the Necronomicon awaits. When thou retrievest the book from its cradle, you must recite the words "Klaatu Barada Nikto".

Ash Klaatu Barada Nikto." Okay...

Wiseman Well, repeat them.

Ash Klaatu Barada Nikto".

Wiseman Again!

Ash I GOT IT, I GOT IT! I know your damn words, all right?! Now you get this straight, the both of ya: if I get that book, you send me back. After that, I'm history.

Ash First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.

Linda Even now we have your darling Linda's soul. She suffers in torment!

Ash You're going DOWN!

Ash It's a trick. Get an axe.

Possessed Linda Please Ash, please don't hurt me. You swore - you swore we'd always be together. I love you.

Ash Noooooo!

Possessed Linda Yes! Your love was a lie, and now she burns in hell!

Scout My Lord, an army of the dead gather in the wilderness, and they approach the castle.

Lord Arthur How far from here?

Scout Bout two days ride.

Lord Arthur Then these winged ones are only the first of them.

Wiseman Perhaps we should leave this place as soon as possible?

Man 1 We can be safe in the hills!

Man 2 Yes, the mountains!

Wiseman It is written, Arthur! It is been foretold!

Man 1 They'll take our souls!

Man 2 I'm afraid!

Man 1 They'll swallow our souls!

Man 2 And we're about to DIE!

Ash That's it. Go ahead and run! Run home and cry to mama! Me? I'M THROUGH RUNNING! I say we stay here and fight it out.

Lord Arthur Are all men from the future loudmouthed braggarts?!

Ash Nope. Just me, baby. Just me.

Ash My name is Ash, and I am a slave. As close as I can figure, the year is 1300 AD, and I'm being dragged to my death. Wasn't always like this. I had a real life once, a job. Hardware, aisle twelve. Shop smart: shop S-Mart! I had a wonderful girlfriend, Linda. Together we drove to a small cabin in the mountains. It seems an archaeologist had come to this remote place to translate and study his latest find: Necronomicon Ex-Mortis, The Book of the Dead. Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, this ancient Sumerian text contained bizarre burial rites, funerary incantations and demon resurrection passages. It was never meant for the world of the living. The book awoke something dark in the woods. It took Linda, and then it came for me. It got into my hand and it went bad, so I lopped it off at the wrist. But that didn't stop it. It came back... Big time. For God's sake! How do you stop it?!

Duke Henry You're not one of my vassals... who are you?

Ash Who wants to know?

Duke Henry I am Henry the Red, Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northland and leader of its peoples.

Ash Well, hello, Mister Fancypants! I've got news for you, pal, you ain't leadin but two things right now: Jack and shit... and Jack left town.

Ash Sure I could've stayed in the past. Could've even been king. But in my own way, I am king.

Ash So, what do you think, kid?

Linda I love it, Ash. I feel funny about being here. What if the people who own this place come home?

Ash They're not going to come back. Even if they do, we'll tell them the car broke down or something.

Linda Yeah, with your car they'd believe it.

Ash Hey...what do you say we have some champagne, eh baby?

Linda Sure.

Ash After all, I'm a man, and you're a woman...at least, last time I checked.

Ash Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store.

Possessed woman Who the hell are you?!

Ash Name's Ash. Housewares.

Possessed Woman I'll swallow your soul!

Ash Come get some.

Ash Yo, she-bitch! Let's go!

Ash What are you? Are you me?

Evil Ash What are do? Are you me?" HAHAHOOHOOHOOHOO! You sound like a jerk!

Ash Why ya doin this, huh?

Evil Ash Oh, you wanna know? Cause the answer's easy! I'm BAD Ash... and you're GOOD Ash! You're a goody little two-shoes! You're a goody little two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody TWO-SHOES! Little goody TWO-SHOES! HEHEHEHEHE! LITTLE GOODY TWO-SHOES! HEHEHE--

Ash Good, bad... I'm the guy with the gun.

Ash I ain't that good.