Chico Marx Quotes

A Night in Casablanca

Conversations at the Street Market

Street Vendor You buy? Nice, cheap, cheap-

Corbaccio Eyy, scram. SCRAM! Get outta here. You gotta watch out for those guys, they take you to the cleaners.

[to Kornblow]

Kornblow What about you?

Corbaccio I take you to the hotel.

Kornblow Just what is your racket?

Corbaccio I gotta no racket! I make up my living with camels.

Kornblow What do you do with your camels?

Corbaccio They're taxi-cabs. I'm-a President of the Yellow Camel Company.

Kornblow Aren't ALL the camels in Casablanca yellow?

[surprised]

Corbaccio Eyy, you crazy. We gotta Checker Camel Company, too.

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At the Circus

The Role of Lawyers in Business Troubles

Antonio Pirelli You know what I say. Whenever you got business trouble the best thing to do is to get a lawyer. Then you got more trouble, but at least you got a lawyer.

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Monkey Business

Breakfast Order Before Lunch

Waiter Would you like to have anything before lunch?

Chico Yes, breakfast.

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Horse Feathers

Family Questions Among Friends

Baravelli You gotta brother?

[trying to lure Mullen and McHardie away]

Mullen No.

Baravelli You gotta sister?

Mullen Yeah.

Baravelli Well-a, your sister, she's a very sick man. You'd better come with us.

Mullen Yeah? What happened to her?

Baravelli She hadda accident in her automobile.

MacHardie Ah, she has no automobile.

Baravelli Well-a, maybe she's-a fall off-a horse. I no look very close. Come on, we take you in our car.

Mullen You will, eh? Well, I have no sister.

Baravelli That's all right. We no got a car. Come on.

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Monkey Business

Emergency Care in a Crisis Situation

Woman Passenger Where's the Doctor? A doctor! I want a doctor!

Chico Sit. Stay calm. We take care of you. Oh, she's got a chill. Cover her up.

Chico No, no, no, no. Get up. Get up. Take her pulse. Take her pulse.

Chico No purse! Put it back. Pulse. I think you best take a temperature. That's good. Alright, we take care of you, lady. Alright. Alright. Alright.

Woman Passenger Oh, you fools! I'm not the patient!

Chico Well, we're not the doctor

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A Day at the Races

Perception of a Winning Horse

Tony Hey, boss! C'mere! Sun-Up is the worst horse on the track!

Hackenbush I notice he wins all the time.

Tony Aw, just because he comes in first.

Hackenbush Well, I don't want em any better than first.

Tony Here your ice cream. One dollar and you'll remember me all your life.

[offering a hint book for betting on the horses]

Hackenbush That's the most nauseating proposition I ever had.

[buys code book]

Tony Here your ice cream. Tootsie-frootsie ice cream. ...just a one dollar printing charge.

[code book says that horse Z-V-B-X-R-P-L will win the next race; Tony offers a free code book to decode the letters]

Hackenbush Well, uh, give me one without printing. I'm sick of printing.

Tony ...just a two dollar delivery charge.

Hackenbush What do you mean delivery charge? I'm standing right next to you.

Tony Well, for such a short distance, I make it a dollar.

Hackenbush Couldn't I move over here and make it uh - fifty cents?

Tony Yes, but I'd move over here and make it a dollar just the same.

Hackenbush All I wanted was a horse, not a public library.

[after buying many guidebooks]

Hackenbush Get your Tootsie-Frootsie. Nice ice cream. Nice Tootsie-Frootsie ice cream.

[after realising he was swindled by Tony]

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Love Happy

Mind-Reading Demonstration Turns Awkward

Faustino the Great I no like-a to brag, but the thing I'm-a most unknown for is-a mind-reading. I give you demonstration. You're thinking of something.

Mike Johnson Right, so far.

[dubiously]

Faustino the Great You're thinking of a nice juicy steak with a French-a fried-a potatoes.

Mike Johnson The exit's over there.

[far less than impressed]

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Room Service

Request for Ice from Room Service

Harry Binelli Hello? Room Service. Bring up enough ice to cool a warm body.

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Duck Soup

Humorous Exchange About Tracking Firefly

Trentino Have you been trailing Firefly?

Chicolini Have we been trailing Firefly? Why, my partner he's got a nose just like a bloodhound!

Trentino Oh really?

Chicolini Yes, and the rest of his face don't look so good either.

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A Day at the Races

Detective Inquiry and Comedic Banter

Tony I'm O'Reilly, the house-detective.

Hackenbush Don't talk so loud, your mustache will drop off.

Tony Have you got a woman in here?

Hackenbush If I haven't, I've wasted thirty minutes of valuable time.

Tony Well, ya better get her out. This is the last time I'm goin to tell ya.

Hackenbush The last time? Can I depend on that?

Tony Yes, because this time I'm goin to stay here all night.

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Duck Soup

A Lesson in Unwanted Skills

Lemonade Vendor I'll teach you to kick me!

Chicolini You don't have to teach me—I know how!

[kicks him]

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Duck Soup

High Stakes and Treasonous Charges

Chicolini Hello, boss!

Firefly Chicolini, I bet you eight-to-one we find you guilty.

Chicolini At's-a no good; I can get ten-to-one at the barbershop.

Officer Chicolini, you're charged with high treason, and if found guilty, you will be shot.

Chicolini I object.

Officer Oh, you object? On what grounds?

[scoffs]

Chicolini I couldn't think of anything else to say.

Firefly Objection sustained.

[raps gavel]

Officer Your Excellency, you sustained the objection?!

Firefly Sure, I couldn't think of anything else to say, either. Why don't you object?

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A Night at the Opera

Understanding the Sanity Clause in Contracts

Fiorello Hey, wait, wait. What does this say here, this thing here?

Driftwood Oh, that? Oh, that's the usual clause that's in every contract. That just says, uh, it says, uh, if any of the parties participating in this contract are shown not to be in their right mind, the entire agreement is automatically nullified.

Fiorello Well, I don't know...

Driftwood It's all right. That's, that's in every contract. That's, that's what they call a sanity clause.

Fiorello Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You can't fool me. There ain't no Sanity Clause!

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Duck Soup

The Cost-Saving Argument for a Standing Army

Chicolini I think we should have a standing army.

Firefly Why should we have a standing army?

Chicolini Because that way we save money on chairs!

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Duck Soup

A Dog's Journey to the Pole

Chicolini He's some smart dog. You know, he went with ] to the Pole.

[[Richard E. Byrd|Admiral Byrd]

Firefly I'll bet the dog got to the pole first.

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Room Service

Washing Up Amidst Group Dynamics

Leo Davis Well, if you fellows don't mind, I'm going to wash up.

Harry Binelli Yeah, go ahead. The rest of us are already washed up.

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A Night at the Opera

Negotiating a Sailor's Fee

Driftwood Could he sail tomorrow?

Fiorello You pay him enough money, he could sail yesterday. How much you pay him?

Driftwood Well, I don't know... Let's see, a thousand dollars a night... I'm entitled to a small profit... How about ten dollars a night?

[muttering to himself]

Fiorello Ten? Ten dolla— ha ha ha ha ha! I'll take it...

Driftwood All right, but remember, I get 10% for negotiating the deal.

Fiorello Yes, and I get 10% for being the manager. How much does that leave him?

Driftwood That leaves him— uh, $8.00.

Fiorello Eight dollars, huh? Well, he sends a five dollars home to his mother...

Driftwood Well, that leaves him $3.00.

Fiorello Can he live in New York on $3.00?

Driftwood Like a prince. Of course he won't be able to eat, but he can live like a prince. However, out of that $3.00, you know, he'll have to pay an income tax...

Fiorello Ah, there's income tax...

Driftwood ...there's a federal tax, and a state tax, and a city tax, and a street tax, and a sewer tax.

Fiorello How much does this come to?

Driftwood Well, I figure if he doesn't sing too often, he can break even.

Fiorello All right, we take it.

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Duck Soup

Changing Sides for Better Food

Firefly You're the Secretary of War. Why don't you do something?

Chicolini I've done it already. I've changed to the other side.

Firefly You're on the other side, eh? Then what are you doing over here?

Chicolini Well, the food is better over here.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Monkey Business

Nail Trim Conversation Between Chico and Manicurist

Manicurist Would you like your nails trimmed long?

Chico Oh, about an hour and a half. I got nothing to do. Believe me, you some nice gal. You got It'.

[Pause]

Manicurist Why, thank you!

Chico And you can KEEP it'.

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Room Service

License to Hunt Wagner

Harry Binelli I'd like a license to hunt Wagner. He'd look great next to my moose".

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At the Circus

Introducing Friends at the Circus

Antonio Pirelli Folks, I wanna you should meet my pal! My best friend! What's your name again?

J. Cheever Loophole Loophole.

[annoyed]

Antonio Pirelli Glad to know ya!

[shaking his hand]

J. Cheever Loophole It's your pleasure.

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A Night at the Opera

Accusations of Impostor Syndrome Among Characters

Henderson Hey, I think these fellows are phonies!

Driftwood What's that you say?

Henderson You heard me.

Driftwood Did you hear what he said? He said you boys are imposters and you absolutely don't belong here at all.

Fiorello Did he say that about us? I've never been so insulted!

Driftwood Do you hear what they say? They say they've never been so insulted in their life and they absolutely refuse to stay here!

[to the Mayor]

Mayor No, no, please. He didn't mean it. Tell them he didn't mean it.

Driftwood Of course, you know this means war!

[confers with the aviators]

Mayor Now see what you've done!

[to Henderson]

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At the Circus

At the Circus - Dialogue 8

J. Cheever Loophole You know, if you hadn't sent for me I'd be home now, in a nice, warm bedroom, in a comfortable bed with a hot toddy.

Antonio Pirelli Huh?

J. Cheever Loophole That's a drink!

Antonio Pirelli That'sa too bad!

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Room Service

Typewriter's Journey to the Madhouse

Gordon Miller He took the typewriter with him.

Timothy Hogarth To the MADHOUSE??

Harry Binelli He likes to hear the little bell ring.

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A Day at the Races

Medical Observations on a Unique Condition

Hackenbush I haven't seen anything like this in years. The last time I saw a head like that was in a bottle of formaldehyde.

[examining Stuffy with an auriscope]

Tony Told you he was sick.

Hackenbush That's all pure desiccation along there. He's got about a 15% metabolism, with an overactive thyroid and a glandular affectation of about 3%.

[pointing to Stuffy's neck]

Tony That's bad.

Hackenbush With a 1% mentality. He's what we designate as the crummy moronic type. All in all, this is the most gruesome looking piece of blubber I've ever peered at.

[Stuffy grins]

Tony Hey doc. Hey doc!

Hackenbush Huh?

Tony You gotta the looking glass turned around, you're looking at yourself.

Hackenbush I knew it all the time. That was a good joke on all of us, wasn't it?

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Room Service

A Comedic Exchange About Timing and Performance

Harry Binelli Hurry up, before they come back. And, groan, groan, stagger about and don't die too soon! You must take your time. And you mustn't die before 11 o'clock.

Leo Davis Don't you worry! I'll give you the best performance you ever saw in a hotel bedroom!

Gordon Miller That's the spirit! Good luck, Davis. Drop dead!

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A Day at the Races

Desire for a Hackenapuss Explained

Tony I dunno, but she wants a Hackenapuss, she gonna get a Hackenapuss.

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A Day at the Races

Race Integrity and Personal Loyalty

Tony Stuffy! Ey, that was-a some ride you put up! I had fifteen bucks, right on the nose... I won-a sixty cents. Yeah, who you ridin tomorrow? What'samatta? You're fired? Oh, Morgan fired you, eh? He wanted you to throw the race?

[He and Stuffy rush towards each other, as if in greeting, only for Stuffy to make a beeline for Tony's ice-cream cart; Tony slams the lid, forcing him away; Stuffy whistles; Stuffy frowns and shakes his head; Stuffy lights a match; Stuffy nods]

Gil Stewart He wanted Stuffy to be crooked, eh?

Tony Yeah, you know he's honest! He's honest, but you gotta watch him a little.

[He sees Stuffy going for the cart again and slams it shut]

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Duck Soup

The Paradox of Being Found and Lost

Vera Oh, for heaven's sake, don't make a sound. If you found, you lost.

Chicolini Oh, you crazy. How can I be lost if I'm found?

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The Big Store

A Long History of Laughter

Ravelli I take-a your picture. Hey! Look at me and laugh.

Wolf J. Flywheel I've been doing that for 20 years.

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Love Happy

Musical Terms and Confusion in Conversation

Faustino the Great Never mind the pianissimo. I'm gonna make it-a very simple for you: we play it allegro pizzicato. That's what-a you call em, high-class Carnegie Hall stuff. You know allegro pizzicato?

Mr. Lyons No.

Faustino the Great You know Jimmy Pizzicato?

Mr. Lyons No.

Faustino the Great None of the Pizzicatos, uh?

Mr. Lyons No.

Faustino the Great What DO you know?

Mr. Lyons I know pistachio.

Faustino the Great Pistachio? Ha! We play it!

[shrugs]

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Horse Feathers

The Quest for the Password

Baravelli Who are you?

[at the speakeasy door]

Wagstaff I'm fine thanks, who are you?

Baravelli I'm fine too, but you can't come in unless you give the password.

Wagstaff Well, what is the password?

Baravelli Aw, no! You gotta tell me. Hey, I tell what I do. I give you three guesses. It's the name of a fish.

Wagstaff Is it Mary?

Baravelli Ha-ha. That's-a no fish.

Wagstaff She isn't, well, she drinks like one. Let me see. Is it sturgeon?

Baravelli Hey you crazy! Sturgeon, he's a doctor cuts you open when-a you sick. Now I give you one more chance.

Wagstaff I got it! Haddock!

Baravelli That's-a funny. I gotta haddock, too.

Wagstaff What do you take for a haddock?

Baravelli Well-a, sometimes I take-a aspirin, sometimes I take-a ].

[[w:Mercury(I) chloride|calomel]

Wagstaff Say, I'd walk a mile for a calomel.

Baravelli You mean chocolate calomel. I like that too, but you no guess it.

Baravelli Hey, what-sa matter, you no understand English? You can't come in here unless you say swordfish. Now I'll give you one more guess.

Wagstaff Swordfish, swordfish. I think I got it. Is it swordfish'?

[to himself; to Baravelli]

Baravelli Hah! That's-a it! You guess it!

Wagstaff Pretty good, eh?

Wagstaff Whatta you want?

Baravelli I wanna come in

Wagstaff What's the password?

Baravelli Ahh, you're no foolin me. Swordfish.

Wagstaff No, I got tired of that. I changed it.

[shuts the portal]

Baravelli What's the password now?

[knocks on the portal again]

Wagstaff Gee, I forgot it. I'd better come outside with you.

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Duck Soup

Misunderstanding Terminology in a Humorous Exchange

Chicolini I wouldn't go out there unless I had one of those big iron things that go up and down. What do you call those things?

Firefly Tanks.

Chicolini You're welcome.

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A Night at the Opera

Dinner Invitation Declined

Lassparri Rosa?

Rosa Yes, signore?

Lassparri My good friend Herman Gottlieb is coming back to see me. How would you like to have supper with us?

Rosa I'm terribly sorry, signor Lassparri. I already have an engagement.

Lassparri Oh, I see. Well, that's too bad because I have an idea that he's going to invite me to sing in New York. And uh... He may permit me to select my leading lady. Are you sure you can't break your appointment?

[glances contemptuously at Ricardo]

Rosa I'm terribly sorry, signore.

[smiles and shakes her head]

Lassparri What do you mean by humiliating me in front of all those people!? You're fired!! Do you understand!!? YOU'RE FIRED!!

[slaps him]

Driftwood Hey, you big bully. What's the idea of hitting that little bully?

Lassparri Will you kindly let me handle my own affairs!? GET OUT!! Now, what have you got to say to me?

[shoves Tomasso away; To Driftwood]

Driftwood Just this: can you sleep on your stomach with such big buttons on your pajamas?

[pulls one of the clown buttons off the front of his costume]

Lassparri Why you--

Driftwood Nice work, I think you got him. Ah, smelling salts? That should bring him to. You're sorry for what you did? Well, that shows a nice spirit. He's coming around, he'll be fine now-

[crouches next to them; Tomasso pulls out a small bottle and holds it under Lasparri's nose; Tomasso nods; Lasparri begins to stir]

Driftwood Get fresh with me, eh?

Fiorello How do you do?

[wanders over]

Driftwood Hello.

Fiorello What'sa matter, Mister?

Driftwood Oh, we had an argument, and he pulled a knife on me, so I shot him.

Fiorello Do you mind...?

Driftwood No, no go right ahead! Two beers, bartender!

[He moves over slightly, and Fiorello rests his foot on Lasparri's chest as well, imitating a foot rail at a bar]

Fiorello I'll take two beers, too.

Driftwood Well, things seem to be getting better around the country

Fiorello Well, I wouldn't know, I'm a stranger here myself.

[Driftwood looks at him in bewilderment]

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Monkey Business

Unexpected Realizations in Caregiving

Groucho I don't know. When I woke up, there was the nurse taking care of me.

Chico Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?

Groucho You bet she could. But I found that out too late!

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Room Service

Critique of a Play's Rehearsal Quality

Harry Binelli I still think it's a terrible play, but it makes a wonderful rehearsal.

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Horse Feathers

Classroom Antics and Unexpected Guests

Wagstaff Have they started sawing a woman in half yet?

[enters a biology classroom]

Biology professor Why, Mr. President, this is indeed an honor! What brings you here?

Wagstaff A bicycle, but I left it in the hallway. Do you have two empty dunce seats in here? I brought you two empty dunces. Come in, dunces! Here they are- ten cents a dunce. Now all you need is a bowl of cherries.

[Baravelli and Pinky enter; Baravelli gives the professor an apple, Pinky gives him a watermelon]

Biology teacher Er- find yourselves a couple of seats. Now, let us go on with our lecture.

[Pinky and Baravelli sit down, kiss the girls on either side of them, accidentally kiss each other, start a fight, then sit down again]

Wagstaff I wish you'd go on without your lecture.

[looking down a microscope]

Biology teacher ... What do you think of that slide?

Wagstaff Well, I think he was safe at second, but it was very close.

Biology teacher Now, let us examine the circulatory system. Here is the liver.

Wagstaff What! No bacon! I'd send that back if I were you.

Biology teacher The liver, if neglected, invariably leads to ]. Of course, you are all familiar with the symptoms of cirrhosis.

[[w:cirrhosis|cirrhosis]

Baravelli Sure. So roses are red. So violets are blue. So sugar is sweet. So so are you.

Wagstaff I can't see him, but I bet I know who it is.

Biology teacher For the protection of the heart, or cardium, Mother Nature has provided a sac, called the pericardium. Any questions?

Baravelli Yes. When you gonna cut the watermelon open?

Wagstaff Is this stuff on the level or are you just making it up as you go along? My feet are getting tired from this walk.

Biology teacher Why, everything I told you can be found in the simplest text book on anatomy. I'm sure my students will bear me out.

Baravelli We'll bear you out!

[stands up]

Wagstaff Let that be a lesson to all of you: this school was here before you came, and it'll be here before you go. And you too, ya numbskull!

[to the students]

Wagstaff Let us follow a corpuscle on its journey. Oh, my mistake, I thought I was a corpuscle. As you know, there is constant warfare between the red and white corpuscles. Now then, baboons, what is a corpuscle?

[suddenly grabs his bag and cap, heads for the door, then stops]

Baravelli That's easy. First is-a captain, then is-a lieutenant, then is-a corpuscle.

Wagstaff That's fine. Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? We now find ourselves among the Alps. The Alps are a very simple people living on a diet of rice and old shoes. Beyond the Alps lies more Alps and the Lord Alps those that Alps themselves. We then come to the bloodstream. The blood rushes from the head down to the feet, gets a look at those feet, and rushes back to the head again. This is known as auction pinochle. Now in studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your heart's beat. And if your hearts beat anything but diamonds and clubs, it's because your partner is cheating - or your wife...Now take this point for instance - That reminds me, I haven't seen my son all day. Well, the human body takes many strange forms. Now here is a most unusual organ. The organ will play a solo immediately after the feature picture. Scientists make these deductions by examining a rat, or your landlord, who won't cut the rent. And what do they find? Asparagus! Now, on closer examination... Hmm! This needs closer examination. In fact, it needs a nightgown. Baravelli, who's responsible for this? Is this your picture?

[He points to a horse's ass placed over an anatomy chart - a picture of Pinky's beloved horse that he placed there when Wagstaff wasn't looking; removes the horse poster; Pinky has now placed a picture of his ballerina beauty over Wagstaff's anatomy chart]

Baravelli I no think so. It doesn't look like me.

Wagstaff Well, take it outta here immediately, and hang it up in my bedroom. Now then, out with it! Who did it? Oh, so you're the culprit! Young man, as you grow older, you'll find you can't burn the candle at both ends! Well, I was wrong- I knew there was something you couldn't burn at both ends, I thought it was a candle. However, you must be punished. Just for that, you stay after school!

[Pinky stands up, a guilty look on his face; Pinky proves him wrong by pulling, from his pocket, a candle burning at both ends; points to a pretty girl next to Pinky]

Student But Professor, I didn't do anything!

Wagstaff I know, but there's no fun keeping him after school!

[grins]

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The Big Store

Planning a Hollywood-style Party

Tommy Rogers We can have a party, just like they do in Hollywood.

Ravelli That's-a fine! Let there be wine!

Wolf J. Flywheel And women!

Ravelli And song!

Wolf J. Flywheel And women!

Ravelli And caviar!

Wolf J. Flywheel And women!

Ravelli And more women!

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A Night at the Opera

A Night at the Opera - Dialogue 9

Driftwood Now pay particular attention to this first clause because it's most important. It says the, uh... "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh?

Fiorello No, that's no good.

Driftwood What's the matter with it?

Fiorello I dunno. Let's hear it again.

Driftwood It says the, uh... "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part.

Fiorello That sounds a little better this time.

Driftwood Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more?

Fiorello Er... just the first part.

Driftwood What do you mean? The... the party of the first part?

Fiorello No, the first part of the party of the first part.

Driftwood All right. It says the, uh, "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract..." Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh? Now, it says, uh, "The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part.

Fiorello Well, I don't know about that...

Driftwood Now what's the matter?

Fiorello I no like-a the second party, either.

Driftwood Well, you shoulda come to the first party. We didn't get home til around four in the morning. I was blind for three days!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Room Service

A Scheme to Avoid Eviction

Gordon Miller Wait a minute, suppose one of us got sick?

Harry Binelli That's the idea! They can't pull a sick man out, it's against the law.

Gordon Miller Remember, I had kidney trouble at the Astor and gallstones at the Plaza.

Harry Binelli Oh, those were the happy days!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Night in Casablanca

A Night in Casablanca - Dialogue 10

Corbaccio What you need is a good bodyguard.

Kornblow What I need is a good body. The one I've got isn't worth guarding. By the way, since when are YOU a bodyguard? I thought you were in the camel business.

Corbaccio Oh, well in the daytime, I'm in the camel business; at night, I'm a bodyguard.

Kornblow I see; well, suppose I get killed in the daytime?

Corbaccio Well, then I give you free ride on my camel. Look-a boss, I could keep you alive for fifty francs a week-

Kornblow It isn't worth it.

Corbaccio Well, you can't take it with you-

Kornblow Well, I'm not gonna leave it lying around here.

Corbaccio But-a boss! If I'm your bodyguard, I'll watch-a you like a mother watches her baby!

Kornblow Is the mother pretty?

Corbaccio What's-a the difference?

Kornblow Well, there's a lotta difference; if the mother's pretty I'll watch the mother and you can watch the baby!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Night at the Opera

A Conversation Between Driftwood and the Steward

Driftwood Steward? Steward! Stu!

Steward Yes, sir?

Driftwood I say, Stu?

Steward Yes, sir?

Driftwood What've we got for dinner?

Steward Anything you like, sir! You might have some tomato juice, orange juice, grape juice, pineapple juice-

[pulls out his pad]

Driftwood Hey, turn off the juice before I get electrocuted! Alright, let me have one of each. And, uh, two fried eggs, two scrambled eggs, two poached eggs, and two medium-boiled eggs.

[the steward looks bewildered; the steward starts writing it down]

Fiorello And two hard-boiled eggs.

[inside the room]

Driftwood ...And two hard-boiled eggs. Make that three hard-boiled eggs. And, uh, some roast beef- rare, medium, well-done, and overdone.

[Tomasso honks his horn in his sleep; the steward looks bewildered again]

Fiorello And two hard-boiled eggs.

Driftwood ...And two hard-boiled eggs. Make that three hard-boiled eggs. And, uh, eight pieces of French pastry.

[Tomasso honks]

Fiorello With two hard-boiled eggs.

Driftwood ... And two hard-boiled eggs Make that three hard-boiled eggs. ... And one duck egg. Uh, have you got any stewed prunes?

[Tomasso honks; Tomasso honks again, briefly]

Steward Yes, sir!

Driftwood Well, give em some black coffee, that'll sober em up.

[the steward looks bewildered again]

Fiorello And two hard-boiled eggs!

Driftwood ...And two hard-boiled eggs- It's either foggy out, or make that twelve more hard-boiled eggs. And steward, rush that along, because the faster it comes, the faster this convention'll be over.

[he is cut off by a long series of honks, causing him to roll his eyes]

Steward Yes, sir.

Driftwood Do they allow tipping on the boat?

Steward Oh, yes sir!

Driftwood Have you got two fives?

Steward Yes, sir!

[reaches in his pocket]

Driftwood Well, then you won't need the ten cents I was gonna give you. Well, that's fine. As long as that steward is deaf and dumb, he'll never know you're in here. Yes?

[he re-enters his cabin as the steward leaves, looking put out; there is a knock at the door]

Maid We've come to make up your room.

Fiorello Are those my hard-boiled eggs?

Driftwood I can't tell until they get in the room. Come in girls, and leave all hope behind!

A Night at the Opera

The Humorous Journey to America

Fiorello Friends...how we happened to come to America is a great story. But I don't tell that. When we first started out, we got-a no idea you give us this-a grand reception. We donna deserve it. And when I say we donna deserve it, believe me, I know what I'm a-talkin about...So now I tell you how we fly to America. The first time we started, we get-a halfway across when we run out-a gasoline and we gotta go back. Then I take-a twice as much gasoline. This time we-a just about to land - maybe three feet - when whaddya think? We run out-a gasoline again and a-back we go again to get-a more gas. This time I take-a plenty gas. Well, we get-a halfway over when what-a you think-a happened? We forgot-a the aeroplane. So we gotta sit down and we talk it over. Then I get-a a great idea. We no take-a gasoline. We no take-a the aeroplane. We take a steamship. And that, friends, is how we fly across the ocean.

At the Circus

Avoiding Assumptions About Concussions

Antonio Pirelli You know what I think? The guy who hit Jeff on the head and knocked him out didn't like him.

J. Cheever Loophole Now let's not jump to concussions.

Horse Feathers

Identity Confusion in Academia

Wagstaff I'm Professor Wagstaff of Huxley College.

[offers an invisible calling card]

Baravelli That means nothing to me.

Wagstaff Well, it doesn't mean anything to me either. I'll try it again. I'm Professor Huxley of Wagstaff College.

[offers another card]

Baravelli Well, you didn't stay at the other college very long.

Duck Soup

Perception vs. Belief in Conflict

Mrs. Teasdale But I saw you with my own eyes!

Chicolini Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?

[in disguise as Rufus T. Firefly]

Love Happy

The Value of Time in Pursuing Passions

Faustino the Great How long you study music?

Mr. Lyons Fifteen years.

Faustino the Great Fifteen. You know, two more years you could've been a plumber?

Monkey Business

Mutual Praise Among Friends

Chico We're great, huh?

Joe Helton You're great.

Chico My partner?

Joe Helton He's great.

Chico My grandfather's great. He's a great-grandfather.

Animal Crackers

Questioning Honesty in Playfulness

Signor Emanuel Ravelli How do you want to play...honest?

[about playing bridge]

Room Service

The Timing of Love and Preferences

Gordon Miller Love! He talks just like one of the characters in his play.

[Disapprovingly]

Harry Binelli I don't know. I like-a love.

Gordon Miller I like it too; but, there's a time and place for everything.

Harry Binelli I like it anytime.

A Night in Casablanca

Conversation About Location in Casablanca

Kornblow Who's he talkin to?

Corbaccio Salt Lake City.

Love Happy

Duality of Friendship and Connection

Mr. Lyons Are you a friend of Mr. Yorkman?

Faustino the Great Friend? Ha. Max and I are just-a like that - two heads on the same neck.

[crossing fingers before him]

Love Happy

A plea for authenticity in performance

Faustino the Great Look-a, Mr. Lyons, I know you wanna make a good impression, but-a please - don't play better than me.

A Night in Casablanca

A Broke Man's Search for Information

Pierre All right, what do you want?

Gambler Not so quick, my friend. It costs money.

Pierre Why ask me? You know I'm broke!

Gambler I also know, that you're looking for a man who wears... a toupee.

Pierre You know who he is?! This means everything to me; if you know who he is, please tell me!

[Rusty and Corbaccio wander over]

Gambler The wheel has been unkind to me tonight; I should like to try again. It would only take a few hundred francs...

Pierre What the- I'll pay you, I promise!

Gambler A croupier doesn't accept promises-

Pierre Tell me his name!

[grabs his collar]

Gambler If you should happen to find a few hundred francs, I'll be at the Brass Monkey.

[pulls himself free and walks away]

Corbaccio What's the matter, Pierre, you need-a some money?

Pierre Don't worry, Corbaccio. I'll get what I want from that rat without money.

[leaves]

Corbaccio He'll never get nothin from that rat without money. That rat's just-a like me. Eyy, what I say? I'm crazy. You know, I'm-a worried about Pierre. We gotta find him some money. You gotta idea? Eyy, notta that way!

[Rusty laughs and claps him on the back; Rusty rolls up his sleeves; Rusty reaches into a guest's pocket]

A Night at the Opera

Discussion on Contract Duplicates

Driftwood Now, here are the contracts. You put his name at the top and uh... you sign at the bottom. There's no need of you reading that because these are duplicates.

Fiorello Yeah, these are duplicates. Duplicates, huh?

[Fiorello looking at the contract]

Driftwood I say they are duplicates!

Fiorello Sure. These are duplicates.

Driftwood Don't you know what duplicates are?

Fiorello Sure. There's five kids up in Canada.

Driftwood Well, I wouldn't know about that. I haven't been in Canada in years.

Driftwood Well, go on and read it.

Fiorello What does it say?

Driftwood Well, go on and read it!

Fiorello Uh... You read.

Driftwood Alright, I'll read it to you. Can you hear?

Fiorello I haven't heard anything yet. Do you say anything?

Driftwood Well, I haven't said anything worth hearing.

Fiorello That's why I didn't hear anything.

Driftwood That's why I didn't say anything.

Fiorello Can you read?

Driftwood I can read it. But, I can't see it! It doesn't seem to have it in focus here. If my arms are a little longer, I can read it. You haven't got a baboon pocket, have you? Ah! There we are. There you have it.

Room Service

Surprising Revelations About Character Morality

Gordon Miller Faker, I'm surprised at you!

Harry Binelli Yeah, you oughta be ashamed of yourself, robbing a stranger.

Harry Binelli You know, I think he's reforming; he didn't steal-a the picture.

At the Circus

Sharing What Little I Have

Antonio Pirelli I ain't got nothing, but you can always have half!

Room Service

Perspectives on Jail Experience

Leo Davis You've been in jail?

Harry Binelli Sure, it's'a not so bad. You behave and they make you a trustee.

Duck Soup

Misunderstanding Leads to Humorous Exchange

Prosecutor Something must be done. War would meant a prohibitive increase in our taxes.

Chicolini Hey, I've got an uncle that lives in Taxes.

Prosecutor No, I'm talking about taxes. Money. Dollars.

Chicolini Dollas! There's-a where my uncle lives! Dollas, Taxes!

A Night at the Opera

Confusion Over Identity in a Public Space

Gottlieb Could you tell me where Lassparri is?

Fiorello Sure. There's Lassparri.

Gottlieb LASSPARRI!!

Driftwood Lassparri? Then, whom did I sign?

Fiorello You signed Riccardo Baroni. That's my man.

Gottlieb Signor Lassparri, what happened! Speak to me! It's me! It's Gottlieb! It's me! It's Gottlieb!

Gottlieb Oh! What is this now!?

Driftwood How early is the fruit is falling this season!

Horse Feathers

Humorous Exchange About Singing and Teeth

Baravelli You sing high, huh?

Connie Yes,I have a falsetto voice.

Baravelli My grandmother, she's got a falsetto teeth.

Horse Feathers

A Humorous Take on Kidnapping Experience

Wagstaff Have you ever had any experience as a kidnapper?

Baravelli You bet. You know what I do when I kidnap somebody? First I call them up on the telephone, then I send them my chauffeur.

Wagstaff Oh, have you got a chauffeur? What kind of car have you got?

Baravelli Oh no, I no gotta car, I just gotta chauffeur.

Wagstaff Well maybe I'm crazy, but if you've got a chauffeur, aren't you supposed to have a car?

Baravelli Well-ah you see it costs too much money to keep a car and a chauffeur so I sold the car.

Wagstaff Well, that shows you how little I know. I would have kept the car and sold the chauffeur.

Baravelli That's-a no good. I gotta have a chauffeur to take me to work in the morning.

Wagstaff Well, if you've got no car, how can he take you to work?

Baravelli He don't have to take me to work. I no gotta job.

Wagstaff Baravelli. This is the finish. How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

Room Service

Understanding Others Through Personal Experience

Harry Binelli Now I know how ] feels.

[taking off layers of clothing; [w:Gypsy Rose Lee|Gypsy Rose Lee]

Memorable Quotes from Chico Marx