Chico MarxQuotes

Mr. Lyons: Are you a friend of Mr. Yorkman?

Faustino the Great: [crossing fingers before him] Friend? Ha. Max and I are just-a like that - two heads on the same neck.

Faustino the Great: I no like-a to brag, but the thing I'm-a most unknown for is-a mind-reading. I give you demonstration. You're thinking of something.

Mike Johnson: [dubiously] Right, so far.

Faustino the Great: You're thinking of a nice juicy steak with a French-a fried-a potatoes.

Mike Johnson: [far less than impressed] The exit's over there.

Faustino the Great: Never mind the pianissimo. I'm gonna make it-a very simple for you: we play it allegro pizzicato. That's what-a you call em, high-class Carnegie Hall stuff. You know allegro pizzicato?

Mr. Lyons: No.

Faustino the Great: You know Jimmy Pizzicato?

Mr. Lyons: No.

Faustino the Great: None of the Pizzicatos, uh?

Mr. Lyons: No.

Faustino the Great: What DO you know?

Mr. Lyons: I know pistachio.

Faustino the Great: [shrugs] Pistachio? Ha! We play it!

Faustino the Great: How long you study music?

Mr. Lyons: Fifteen years.

Faustino the Great: Fifteen. You know, two more years you could've been a plumber?

Faustino the Great: Look-a, Mr. Lyons, I know you wanna make a good impression, but-a please - don't play better than me.

Baravelli: [trying to lure Mullen and McHardie away] You gotta brother?

Mullen: No.

Baravelli: You gotta sister?

Mullen: Yeah.

Baravelli: Well-a, your sister, she's a very sick man. You'd better come with us.

Mullen: Yeah? What happened to her?

Baravelli: She hadda accident in her automobile.

MacHardie: Ah, she has no automobile.

Baravelli: Well-a, maybe she's-a fall off-a horse. I no look very close. Come on, we take you in our car.

Mullen: You will, eh? Well, I have no sister.

Baravelli: That's all right. We no got a car. Come on.

Wagstaff: Have you ever had any experience as a kidnapper?

Baravelli: You bet. You know what I do when I kidnap somebody? First I call them up on the telephone, then I send them my chauffeur.

Wagstaff: Oh, have you got a chauffeur? What kind of car have you got?

Baravelli: Oh no, I no gotta car, I just gotta chauffeur.

Wagstaff: Well maybe I'm crazy, but if you've got a chauffeur, aren't you supposed to have a car?

Baravelli: Well-ah you see it costs too much money to keep a car and a chauffeur so I sold the car.

Wagstaff: Well, that shows you how little I know. I would have kept the car and sold the chauffeur.

Baravelli: That's-a no good. I gotta have a chauffeur to take me to work in the morning.

Wagstaff: Well, if you've got no car, how can he take you to work?

Baravelli: He don't have to take me to work. I no gotta job.

Wagstaff: Baravelli. This is the finish. How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

Wagstaff: [enters a biology classroom] Have they started sawing a woman in half yet?

Biology professor: Why, Mr. President, this is indeed an honor! What brings you here?

Wagstaff: [Baravelli and Pinky enter; Baravelli gives the professor an apple, Pinky gives him a watermelon] A bicycle, but I left it in the hallway. Do you have two empty dunce seats in here? I brought you two empty dunces. Come in, dunces! Here they are- ten cents a dunce. Now all you need is a bowl of cherries.

Biology teacher: [Pinky and Baravelli sit down, kiss the girls on either side of them, accidentally kiss each other, start a fight, then sit down again] Er- find yourselves a couple of seats. Now, let us go on with our lecture.

Wagstaff: [looking down a microscope] I wish you'd go on without your lecture.

Biology teacher: ... What do you think of that slide?

Wagstaff: Well, I think he was safe at second, but it was very close.

Biology teacher: Now, let us examine the circulatory system. Here is the liver.

Wagstaff: What! No bacon! I'd send that back if I were you.

Biology teacher: [[w:cirrhosis|cirrhosis] The liver, if neglected, invariably leads to ]. Of course, you are all familiar with the symptoms of cirrhosis.

Baravelli: Sure. So roses are red. So violets are blue. So sugar is sweet. So so are you.

Wagstaff: I can't see him, but I bet I know who it is.

Biology teacher: For the protection of the heart, or cardium, Mother Nature has provided a sac, called the pericardium. Any questions?

Baravelli: Yes. When you gonna cut the watermelon open?

Wagstaff: Is this stuff on the level or are you just making it up as you go along? My feet are getting tired from this walk.

Biology teacher: Why, everything I told you can be found in the simplest text book on anatomy. I'm sure my students will bear me out.

Baravelli: [stands up] We'll bear you out!

Wagstaff: [to the students] Let that be a lesson to all of you: this school was here before you came, and it'll be here before you go. And you too, ya numbskull!

Wagstaff: [suddenly grabs his bag and cap, heads for the door, then stops] Let us follow a corpuscle on its journey. Oh, my mistake, I thought I was a corpuscle. As you know, there is constant warfare between the red and white corpuscles. Now then, baboons, what is a corpuscle?

Baravelli: That's easy. First is-a captain, then is-a lieutenant, then is-a corpuscle.

Wagstaff: [He points to a horse's ass placed over an anatomy chart - a picture of Pinky's beloved horse that he placed there when Wagstaff wasn't looking; removes the horse poster; Pinky has now placed a picture of his ballerina beauty over Wagstaff's anatomy chart] That's fine. Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? We now find ourselves among the Alps. The Alps are a very simple people living on a diet of rice and old shoes. Beyond the Alps lies more Alps and the Lord Alps those that Alps themselves. We then come to the bloodstream. The blood rushes from the head down to the feet, gets a look at those feet, and rushes back to the head again. This is known as auction pinochle. Now in studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your heart's beat. And if your hearts beat anything but diamonds and clubs, it's because your partner is cheating - or your wife...Now take this point for instance - That reminds me, I haven't seen my son all day. Well, the human body takes many strange forms. Now here is a most unusual organ. The organ will play a solo immediately after the feature picture. Scientists make these deductions by examining a rat, or your landlord, who won't cut the rent. And what do they find? Asparagus! Now, on closer examination... Hmm! This needs closer examination. In fact, it needs a nightgown. Baravelli, who's responsible for this? Is this your picture?

Baravelli: I no think so. It doesn't look like me.

Wagstaff: [Pinky stands up, a guilty look on his face; Pinky proves him wrong by pulling, from his pocket, a candle burning at both ends; points to a pretty girl next to Pinky] Well, take it outta here immediately, and hang it up in my bedroom. Now then, out with it! Who did it? Oh, so you're the culprit! Young man, as you grow older, you'll find you can't burn the candle at both ends! Well, I was wrong- I knew there was something you couldn't burn at both ends, I thought it was a candle. However, you must be punished. Just for that, you stay after school!

Student: But Professor, I didn't do anything!

Wagstaff: [grins] I know, but there's no fun keeping him after school!

Baravelli: You sing high, huh?

Connie: Yes,I have a falsetto voice.

Baravelli: My grandmother, she's got a falsetto teeth.

Wagstaff: [offers an invisible calling card] I'm Professor Wagstaff of Huxley College.

Baravelli: That means nothing to me.

Wagstaff: [offers another card] Well, it doesn't mean anything to me either. I'll try it again. I'm Professor Huxley of Wagstaff College.

Baravelli: Well, you didn't stay at the other college very long.

Baravelli: [at the speakeasy door] Who are you?

Wagstaff: I'm fine thanks, who are you?

Baravelli: I'm fine too, but you can't come in unless you give the password.

Wagstaff: Well, what is the password?

Baravelli: Aw, no! You gotta tell me. Hey, I tell what I do. I give you three guesses. It's the name of a fish.

Wagstaff: Is it Mary?

Baravelli: Ha-ha. That's-a no fish.

Wagstaff: She isn't, well, she drinks like one. Let me see. Is it sturgeon?

Baravelli: Hey you crazy! Sturgeon, he's a doctor cuts you open when-a you sick. Now I give you one more chance.

Wagstaff: I got it! Haddock!

Baravelli: That's-a funny. I gotta haddock, too.

Wagstaff: What do you take for a haddock?

Baravelli: [[w:Mercury(I) chloride|calomel] Well-a, sometimes I take-a aspirin, sometimes I take-a ].

Wagstaff: Say, I'd walk a mile for a calomel.

Baravelli: You mean chocolate calomel. I like that too, but you no guess it.

Baravelli: Hey, what-sa matter, you no understand English? You can't come in here unless you say swordfish. Now I'll give you one more guess.

Wagstaff: [to himself; to Baravelli] Swordfish, swordfish. I think I got it. Is it swordfish'?

Baravelli: Hah! That's-a it! You guess it!

Wagstaff: Pretty good, eh?

Wagstaff: Whatta you want?

Baravelli: I wanna come in

Wagstaff: What's the password?

Baravelli: Ahh, you're no foolin me. Swordfish.

Wagstaff: [shuts the portal] No, I got tired of that. I changed it.

Baravelli: [knocks on the portal again] What's the password now?

Wagstaff: Gee, I forgot it. I'd better come outside with you.

Groucho: I don't know. When I woke up, there was the nurse taking care of me.

Chico: Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?

Groucho: You bet she could. But I found that out too late!

Woman Passenger: Where's the Doctor? A doctor! I want a doctor!

Chico: Sit. Stay calm. We take care of you. Oh, she's got a chill. Cover her up.

Chico: No, no, no, no. Get up. Get up. Take her pulse. Take her pulse.

Chico: No purse! Put it back. Pulse. I think you best take a temperature. That's good. Alright, we take care of you, lady. Alright. Alright. Alright.

Woman Passenger: Oh, you fools! I'm not the patient!

Chico: Well, we're not the doctor

Chico: We're great, huh?

Joe Helton: You're great.

Chico: My partner?

Joe Helton: He's great.

Chico: My grandfather's great. He's a great-grandfather.

Manicurist: Would you like your nails trimmed long?

Chico: [Pause] Oh, about an hour and a half. I got nothing to do. Believe me, you some nice gal. You got It'.

Manicurist: Why, thank you!

Chico: And you can KEEP it'.

Waiter: Would you like to have anything before lunch?

Chico: Yes, breakfast.

Gordon Miller: He took the typewriter with him.

Timothy Hogarth: To the MADHOUSE??

Harry Binelli: He likes to hear the little bell ring.

Gordon Miller: [Disapprovingly] Love! He talks just like one of the characters in his play.

Harry Binelli: I don't know. I like-a love.

Gordon Miller: I like it too; but, there's a time and place for everything.

Harry Binelli: I like it anytime.

Gordon Miller: Wait a minute, suppose one of us got sick?

Harry Binelli: That's the idea! They can't pull a sick man out, it's against the law.

Gordon Miller: Remember, I had kidney trouble at the Astor and gallstones at the Plaza.

Harry Binelli: Oh, those were the happy days!

Harry Binelli: Hurry up, before they come back. And, groan, groan, stagger about and don't die too soon! You must take your time. And you mustn't die before 11 o'clock.

Leo Davis: Don't you worry! I'll give you the best performance you ever saw in a hotel bedroom!

Gordon Miller: That's the spirit! Good luck, Davis. Drop dead!

Gordon Miller: Faker, I'm surprised at you!

Harry Binelli: Yeah, you oughta be ashamed of yourself, robbing a stranger.

Harry Binelli: You know, I think he's reforming; he didn't steal-a the picture.

Leo Davis: Well, if you fellows don't mind, I'm going to wash up.

Harry Binelli: Yeah, go ahead. The rest of us are already washed up.

Leo Davis: You've been in jail?

Harry Binelli: Sure, it's'a not so bad. You behave and they make you a trustee.

Harry Binelli: I'd like a license to hunt Wagner. He'd look great next to my moose".

Harry Binelli: [taking off layers of clothing; [w:Gypsy Rose Lee|Gypsy Rose Lee] Now I know how ] feels.

Harry Binelli: I still think it's a terrible play, but it makes a wonderful rehearsal.

Harry Binelli: Hello? Room Service. Bring up enough ice to cool a warm body.

Firefly: You're the Secretary of War. Why don't you do something?

Chicolini: I've done it already. I've changed to the other side.

Firefly: You're on the other side, eh? Then what are you doing over here?

Chicolini: Well, the food is better over here.

Chicolini: I wouldn't go out there unless I had one of those big iron things that go up and down. What do you call those things?

Firefly: Tanks.

Chicolini: You're welcome.

Prosecutor: Something must be done. War would meant a prohibitive increase in our taxes.

Chicolini: Hey, I've got an uncle that lives in Taxes.

Prosecutor: No, I'm talking about taxes. Money. Dollars.

Chicolini: Dollas! There's-a where my uncle lives! Dollas, Taxes!

Chicolini: Hello, boss!

Firefly: Chicolini, I bet you eight-to-one we find you guilty.

Chicolini: At's-a no good; I can get ten-to-one at the barbershop.

Officer: Chicolini, you're charged with high treason, and if found guilty, you will be shot.

Chicolini: I object.

Officer: [scoffs] Oh, you object? On what grounds?

Chicolini: I couldn't think of anything else to say.

Firefly: [raps gavel] Objection sustained.

Officer: Your Excellency, you sustained the objection?!

Firefly: Sure, I couldn't think of anything else to say, either. Why don't you object?

Mrs. Teasdale: But I saw you with my own eyes!

Chicolini: [in disguise as Rufus T. Firefly] Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?

Vera: Oh, for heaven's sake, don't make a sound. If you found, you lost.

Chicolini: Oh, you crazy. How can I be lost if I'm found?

Lemonade Vendor: I'll teach you to kick me!

Chicolini: [kicks him] You don't have to teach me—I know how!

Chicolini: I think we should have a standing army.

Firefly: Why should we have a standing army?

Chicolini: Because that way we save money on chairs!

Chicolini: [[Richard E. Byrd|Admiral Byrd] He's some smart dog. You know, he went with ] to the Pole.

Firefly: I'll bet the dog got to the pole first.

Trentino: Have you been trailing Firefly?

Chicolini: Have we been trailing Firefly? Why, my partner he's got a nose just like a bloodhound!

Trentino: Oh really?

Chicolini: Yes, and the rest of his face don't look so good either.

Tommy Rogers: We can have a party, just like they do in Hollywood.

Ravelli: That's-a fine! Let there be wine!

Wolf J. Flywheel: And women!

Ravelli: And song!

Wolf J. Flywheel: And women!

Ravelli: And caviar!

Wolf J. Flywheel: And women!

Ravelli: And more women!

Ravelli: I take-a your picture. Hey! Look at me and laugh.

Wolf J. Flywheel: I've been doing that for 20 years.

Antonio Pirelli: You know what I think? The guy who hit Jeff on the head and knocked him out didn't like him.

J. Cheever Loophole: Now let's not jump to concussions.

Antonio Pirelli: Folks, I wanna you should meet my pal! My best friend! What's your name again?

J. Cheever Loophole: [annoyed] Loophole.

Antonio Pirelli: [shaking his hand] Glad to know ya!

J. Cheever Loophole: It's your pleasure.

J. Cheever Loophole: You know, if you hadn't sent for me I'd be home now, in a nice, warm bedroom, in a comfortable bed with a hot toddy.

Antonio Pirelli: Huh?

J. Cheever Loophole: That's a drink!

Antonio Pirelli: That'sa too bad!

Antonio Pirelli: I ain't got nothing, but you can always have half!

Antonio Pirelli: You know what I say. Whenever you got business trouble the best thing to do is to get a lawyer. Then you got more trouble, but at least you got a lawyer.

Kornblow: Who's he talkin to?

Corbaccio: Salt Lake City.

Corbaccio: What you need is a good bodyguard.

Kornblow: What I need is a good body. The one I've got isn't worth guarding. By the way, since when are YOU a bodyguard? I thought you were in the camel business.

Corbaccio: Oh, well in the daytime, I'm in the camel business; at night, I'm a bodyguard.

Kornblow: I see; well, suppose I get killed in the daytime?

Corbaccio: Well, then I give you free ride on my camel. Look-a boss, I could keep you alive for fifty francs a week-

Kornblow: It isn't worth it.

Corbaccio: Well, you can't take it with you-

Kornblow: Well, I'm not gonna leave it lying around here.

Corbaccio: But-a boss! If I'm your bodyguard, I'll watch-a you like a mother watches her baby!

Kornblow: Is the mother pretty?

Corbaccio: What's-a the difference?

Kornblow: Well, there's a lotta difference; if the mother's pretty I'll watch the mother and you can watch the baby!

Pierre: All right, what do you want?

Gambler: Not so quick, my friend. It costs money.

Pierre: Why ask me? You know I'm broke!

Gambler: I also know, that you're looking for a man who wears... a toupee.

Pierre: [Rusty and Corbaccio wander over] You know who he is?! This means everything to me; if you know who he is, please tell me!

Gambler: The wheel has been unkind to me tonight; I should like to try again. It would only take a few hundred francs...

Pierre: What the- I'll pay you, I promise!

Gambler: A croupier doesn't accept promises-

Pierre: [grabs his collar] Tell me his name!

Gambler: [pulls himself free and walks away] If you should happen to find a few hundred francs, I'll be at the Brass Monkey.

Corbaccio: What's the matter, Pierre, you need-a some money?

Pierre: [leaves] Don't worry, Corbaccio. I'll get what I want from that rat without money.

Corbaccio: [Rusty laughs and claps him on the back; Rusty rolls up his sleeves; Rusty reaches into a guest's pocket] He'll never get nothin from that rat without money. That rat's just-a like me. Eyy, what I say? I'm crazy. You know, I'm-a worried about Pierre. We gotta find him some money. You gotta idea? Eyy, notta that way!

Street Vendor: You buy? Nice, cheap, cheap-

Corbaccio: [to Kornblow] Eyy, scram. SCRAM! Get outta here. You gotta watch out for those guys, they take you to the cleaners.

Kornblow: What about you?

Corbaccio: I take you to the hotel.

Kornblow: Just what is your racket?

Corbaccio: I gotta no racket! I make up my living with camels.

Kornblow: What do you do with your camels?

Corbaccio: They're taxi-cabs. I'm-a President of the Yellow Camel Company.

Kornblow: [surprised] Aren't ALL the camels in Casablanca yellow?

Corbaccio: Eyy, you crazy. We gotta Checker Camel Company, too.

Henderson: Hey, I think these fellows are phonies!

Driftwood: What's that you say?

Henderson: You heard me.

Driftwood: Did you hear what he said? He said you boys are imposters and you absolutely don't belong here at all.

Fiorello: Did he say that about us? I've never been so insulted!

Driftwood: [to the Mayor] Do you hear what they say? They say they've never been so insulted in their life and they absolutely refuse to stay here!

Mayor: No, no, please. He didn't mean it. Tell them he didn't mean it.

Driftwood: [confers with the aviators] Of course, you know this means war!

Mayor: [to Henderson] Now see what you've done!

Driftwood: Steward? Steward! Stu!

Steward: Yes, sir?

Driftwood: I say, Stu?

Steward: Yes, sir?

Driftwood: What've we got for dinner?

Steward: [pulls out his pad] Anything you like, sir! You might have some tomato juice, orange juice, grape juice, pineapple juice-

Driftwood: [the steward looks bewildered; the steward starts writing it down] Hey, turn off the juice before I get electrocuted! Alright, let me have one of each. And, uh, two fried eggs, two scrambled eggs, two poached eggs, and two medium-boiled eggs.

Fiorello: [inside the room] And two hard-boiled eggs.

Driftwood: [Tomasso honks his horn in his sleep; the steward looks bewildered again] ...And two hard-boiled eggs. Make that three hard-boiled eggs. And, uh, some roast beef- rare, medium, well-done, and overdone.

Fiorello: And two hard-boiled eggs.

Driftwood: [Tomasso honks] ...And two hard-boiled eggs. Make that three hard-boiled eggs. And, uh, eight pieces of French pastry.

Fiorello: With two hard-boiled eggs.

Driftwood: [Tomasso honks; Tomasso honks again, briefly] ... And two hard-boiled eggs Make that three hard-boiled eggs. ... And one duck egg. Uh, have you got any stewed prunes?

Steward: Yes, sir!

Driftwood: [the steward looks bewildered again] Well, give em some black coffee, that'll sober em up.

Fiorello: And two hard-boiled eggs!

Driftwood: [he is cut off by a long series of honks, causing him to roll his eyes] ...And two hard-boiled eggs- It's either foggy out, or make that twelve more hard-boiled eggs. And steward, rush that along, because the faster it comes, the faster this convention'll be over.

Steward: Yes, sir.

Driftwood: Do they allow tipping on the boat?

Steward: Oh, yes sir!

Driftwood: Have you got two fives?

Steward: [reaches in his pocket] Yes, sir!

Driftwood: [he re-enters his cabin as the steward leaves, looking put out; there is a knock at the door] Well, then you won't need the ten cents I was gonna give you. Well, that's fine. As long as that steward is deaf and dumb, he'll never know you're in here. Yes?

Maid: We've come to make up your room.

Fiorello: Are those my hard-boiled eggs?

Driftwood: I can't tell until they get in the room. Come in girls, and leave all hope behind!

Gottlieb: Could you tell me where Lassparri is?

Fiorello: Sure. There's Lassparri.

Gottlieb: LASSPARRI!!

Driftwood: Lassparri? Then, whom did I sign?

Fiorello: You signed Riccardo Baroni. That's my man.

Gottlieb: Signor Lassparri, what happened! Speak to me! It's me! It's Gottlieb! It's me! It's Gottlieb!

Gottlieb: Oh! What is this now!?

Driftwood: How early is the fruit is falling this season!

Fiorello: Hey, wait, wait. What does this say here, this thing here?

Driftwood: Oh, that? Oh, that's the usual clause that's in every contract. That just says, uh, it says, uh, if any of the parties participating in this contract are shown not to be in their right mind, the entire agreement is automatically nullified.

Fiorello: Well, I don't know...

Driftwood: It's all right. That's, that's in every contract. That's, that's what they call a sanity clause.

Fiorello: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You can't fool me. There ain't no Sanity Clause!

Driftwood: Now pay particular attention to this first clause because it's most important. It says the, uh... "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh?

Fiorello: No, that's no good.

Driftwood: What's the matter with it?

Fiorello: I dunno. Let's hear it again.

Driftwood: It says the, uh... "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part.

Fiorello: That sounds a little better this time.

Driftwood: Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more?

Fiorello: Er... just the first part.

Driftwood: What do you mean? The... the party of the first part?

Fiorello: No, the first part of the party of the first part.

Driftwood: All right. It says the, uh, "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract..." Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh? Now, it says, uh, "The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part.

Fiorello: Well, I don't know about that...

Driftwood: Now what's the matter?

Fiorello: I no like-a the second party, either.

Driftwood: Well, you shoulda come to the first party. We didn't get home til around four in the morning. I was blind for three days!

Driftwood: Now, here are the contracts. You put his name at the top and uh... you sign at the bottom. There's no need of you reading that because these are duplicates.

Fiorello: [Fiorello looking at the contract] Yeah, these are duplicates. Duplicates, huh?

Driftwood: I say they are duplicates!

Fiorello: Sure. These are duplicates.

Driftwood: Don't you know what duplicates are?

Fiorello: Sure. There's five kids up in Canada.

Driftwood: Well, I wouldn't know about that. I haven't been in Canada in years.

Driftwood: Well, go on and read it.

Fiorello: What does it say?

Driftwood: Well, go on and read it!

Fiorello: Uh... You read.

Driftwood: Alright, I'll read it to you. Can you hear?

Fiorello: I haven't heard anything yet. Do you say anything?

Driftwood: Well, I haven't said anything worth hearing.

Fiorello: That's why I didn't hear anything.

Driftwood: That's why I didn't say anything.

Fiorello: Can you read?

Driftwood: I can read it. But, I can't see it! It doesn't seem to have it in focus here. If my arms are a little longer, I can read it. You haven't got a baboon pocket, have you? Ah! There we are. There you have it.

Driftwood: Could he sail tomorrow?

Fiorello: You pay him enough money, he could sail yesterday. How much you pay him?

Driftwood: [muttering to himself] Well, I don't know... Let's see, a thousand dollars a night... I'm entitled to a small profit... How about ten dollars a night?

Fiorello: Ten? Ten dolla— ha ha ha ha ha! I'll take it...

Driftwood: All right, but remember, I get 10% for negotiating the deal.

Fiorello: Yes, and I get 10% for being the manager. How much does that leave him?

Driftwood: That leaves him— uh, $8.00.

Fiorello: Eight dollars, huh? Well, he sends a five dollars home to his mother...

Driftwood: Well, that leaves him $3.00.

Fiorello: Can he live in New York on $3.00?

Driftwood: Like a prince. Of course he won't be able to eat, but he can live like a prince. However, out of that $3.00, you know, he'll have to pay an income tax...

Fiorello: Ah, there's income tax...

Driftwood: ...there's a federal tax, and a state tax, and a city tax, and a street tax, and a sewer tax.

Fiorello: How much does this come to?

Driftwood: Well, I figure if he doesn't sing too often, he can break even.

Fiorello: All right, we take it.

Lassparri: Rosa?

Rosa: Yes, signore?

Lassparri: My good friend Herman Gottlieb is coming back to see me. How would you like to have supper with us?

Rosa: I'm terribly sorry, signor Lassparri. I already have an engagement.

Lassparri: [glances contemptuously at Ricardo] Oh, I see. Well, that's too bad because I have an idea that he's going to invite me to sing in New York. And uh... He may permit me to select my leading lady. Are you sure you can't break your appointment?

Rosa: [smiles and shakes her head] I'm terribly sorry, signore.

Lassparri: [slaps him] What do you mean by humiliating me in front of all those people!? You're fired!! Do you understand!!? YOU'RE FIRED!!

Driftwood: Hey, you big bully. What's the idea of hitting that little bully?

Lassparri: [shoves Tomasso away; To Driftwood] Will you kindly let me handle my own affairs!? GET OUT!! Now, what have you got to say to me?

Driftwood: [pulls one of the clown buttons off the front of his costume] Just this: can you sleep on your stomach with such big buttons on your pajamas?

Lassparri: Why you--

Driftwood: [crouches next to them; Tomasso pulls out a small bottle and holds it under Lasparri's nose; Tomasso nods; Lasparri begins to stir] Nice work, I think you got him. Ah, smelling salts? That should bring him to. You're sorry for what you did? Well, that shows a nice spirit. He's coming around, he'll be fine now-

Driftwood: Get fresh with me, eh?

Fiorello: [wanders over] How do you do?

Driftwood: Hello.

Fiorello: What'sa matter, Mister?

Driftwood: Oh, we had an argument, and he pulled a knife on me, so I shot him.

Fiorello: Do you mind...?

Driftwood: [He moves over slightly, and Fiorello rests his foot on Lasparri's chest as well, imitating a foot rail at a bar] No, no go right ahead! Two beers, bartender!

Fiorello: I'll take two beers, too.

Driftwood: Well, things seem to be getting better around the country

Fiorello: [Driftwood looks at him in bewilderment] Well, I wouldn't know, I'm a stranger here myself.

Fiorello: Friends...how we happened to come to America is a great story. But I don't tell that. When we first started out, we got-a no idea you give us this-a grand reception. We donna deserve it. And when I say we donna deserve it, believe me, I know what I'm a-talkin about...So now I tell you how we fly to America. The first time we started, we get-a halfway across when we run out-a gasoline and we gotta go back. Then I take-a twice as much gasoline. This time we-a just about to land - maybe three feet - when whaddya think? We run out-a gasoline again and a-back we go again to get-a more gas. This time I take-a plenty gas. Well, we get-a halfway over when what-a you think-a happened? We forgot-a the aeroplane. So we gotta sit down and we talk it over. Then I get-a a great idea. We no take-a gasoline. We no take-a the aeroplane. We take a steamship. And that, friends, is how we fly across the ocean.

Tony: I'm O'Reilly, the house-detective.

Hackenbush: Don't talk so loud, your mustache will drop off.

Tony: Have you got a woman in here?

Hackenbush: If I haven't, I've wasted thirty minutes of valuable time.

Tony: Well, ya better get her out. This is the last time I'm goin to tell ya.

Hackenbush: The last time? Can I depend on that?

Tony: Yes, because this time I'm goin to stay here all night.

Hackenbush: [examining Stuffy with an auriscope] I haven't seen anything like this in years. The last time I saw a head like that was in a bottle of formaldehyde.

Tony: Told you he was sick.

Hackenbush: [pointing to Stuffy's neck] That's all pure desiccation along there. He's got about a 15% metabolism, with an overactive thyroid and a glandular affectation of about 3%.

Tony: That's bad.

Hackenbush: [Stuffy grins] With a 1% mentality. He's what we designate as the crummy moronic type. All in all, this is the most gruesome looking piece of blubber I've ever peered at.

Tony: Hey doc. Hey doc!

Hackenbush: Huh?

Tony: You gotta the looking glass turned around, you're looking at yourself.

Hackenbush: I knew it all the time. That was a good joke on all of us, wasn't it?

Tony: Hey, boss! C'mere! Sun-Up is the worst horse on the track!

Hackenbush: I notice he wins all the time.

Tony: Aw, just because he comes in first.

Hackenbush: Well, I don't want em any better than first.

Tony: [offering a hint book for betting on the horses] Here your ice cream. One dollar and you'll remember me all your life.

Hackenbush: [buys code book] That's the most nauseating proposition I ever had.

Tony: [code book says that horse Z-V-B-X-R-P-L will win the next race; Tony offers a free code book to decode the letters] Here your ice cream. Tootsie-frootsie ice cream. ...just a one dollar printing charge.

Hackenbush: Well, uh, give me one without printing. I'm sick of printing.

Tony: ...just a two dollar delivery charge.

Hackenbush: What do you mean delivery charge? I'm standing right next to you.

Tony: Well, for such a short distance, I make it a dollar.

Hackenbush: Couldn't I move over here and make it uh - fifty cents?

Tony: Yes, but I'd move over here and make it a dollar just the same.

Hackenbush: [after buying many guidebooks] All I wanted was a horse, not a public library.

Hackenbush: [after realising he was swindled by Tony] Get your Tootsie-Frootsie. Nice ice cream. Nice Tootsie-Frootsie ice cream.

Tony: [He and Stuffy rush towards each other, as if in greeting, only for Stuffy to make a beeline for Tony's ice-cream cart; Tony slams the lid, forcing him away; Stuffy whistles; Stuffy frowns and shakes his head; Stuffy lights a match; Stuffy nods] Stuffy! Ey, that was-a some ride you put up! I had fifteen bucks, right on the nose... I won-a sixty cents. Yeah, who you ridin tomorrow? What'samatta? You're fired? Oh, Morgan fired you, eh? He wanted you to throw the race?

Gil Stewart: He wanted Stuffy to be crooked, eh?

Tony: [He sees Stuffy going for the cart again and slams it shut] Yeah, you know he's honest! He's honest, but you gotta watch him a little.

Tony: I dunno, but she wants a Hackenapuss, she gonna get a Hackenapuss.

Signor Emanuel Ravelli: [about playing bridge] How do you want to play...honest?