Christopher Guest Quotes

A Mighty Wind

Discussion on Vinyl Records and Their Quality

Alan Barrows And they had no hole in the center of the record.

Mark Shubb It would teeter crazily on the little spindle.

Jerry Palter No, you had to provide it yourself. They were still good records. Good product.

Mark Shubb If you punched a hole in them, you'd have a good time.

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This Is Spinal Tap

The Line Between Stupid and Clever

David St. Hubbins It's such a fine line between stupid, and uh...

Nigel Tufnel Clever.

David St. Hubbins Yeah, and clever.

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Waiting for Guffman

Discussing Music in a Challenging Situation

Lloyd Miller I don't want to interfere, but I think it would be... I think we have to work on...

[whispering]

Corky St. Clair I can't hear you!

Lloyd Miller I think we have to work on the music a little bit more. But I don't want to make trouble. So, and I don't really want to do this in front of them...

[normal voice; whispering again]

Corky St. Clair Well, where do you want to do it?

Lloyd Miller Well, I think we have to sit down and make a schedule that includes some music time, because I think Jane and I have to work...

[whispering]

Corky St. Clair Why are you whispering? I'm right here, you know?

Lloyd Miller Oh I'm sorry, do you want me to talk louder? Because I think that that it would be...

[raising voice considerably]

Corky St. Clair Well now it's too loud! You know, just talk like a normal person, OK?

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The Princess Bride

Exploring the Mechanics of Pain

Count Rugen Beautiful, isn't it? It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure that you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. At present, I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how the machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting. As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Really, that's all this is, except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you, so let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. How do you feel? Interesting.

[to Westley; the machine activates; Westley screams; Westley whimpers]

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This Is Spinal Tap

The Significance of Going to Eleven

Nigel Tufnel The numbers all go to 11. Look, right across the board, 11, 11, 11 and...

Marty DiBergi Oh, I see. And most amps go up to 10?

Nigel Tufnel Exactly.

Marty DiBergi Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?

Nigel Tufnel Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not 10. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at 10. You're on 10 here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on 10 on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?

Marty DiBergi I don't know.

Nigel Tufnel Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?

Marty DiBergi Put it up to 11.

Nigel Tufnel 11. Exactly. One louder.

Marty DiBergi Why don't you make 10 a little louder, make that the top number and make that a little louder?

Nigel Tufnel ].

[pauses; [w:These go to eleven|These go to 11]

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This Is Spinal Tap

Dusting for Vomit Is Ineffective

Nigel Tufnel You can't really dust for vomit.

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This Is Spinal Tap

Mysterious Circumstances Surrounding a Tragic Death

David St. Hubbins He died in a bizarre gardening accident...

Nigel Tufnel Authorities said... best leave it... unsolved.

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This Is Spinal Tap

The Challenge of Perspective in Life

Nigel Tufnel It really puts perspective on things though, doesn't it?

David St. Hubbins Too much. There's too much fucking perspective now.

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Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian

Fashion Disputes Among Historical Figures

Kahmunrah Are there any questions?

Capone Yeah, I got one. How come you're wearin a dress?

Kahmunrah This is not a dress. This is a tunic. It was the height of fashion 3,000 years ago, I assure you. Are there any other questions?

Ivan the Terrible Da. This-a dress you're wearing, do we have to wear one of these, too?

Kahmunrah Were you not listening? I just told Mr. Capone here that this not a dress. It is, in fact, a tunic. Very big difference. Are there any other questions?

Kahmunrah Are there any questions not about the dress? Tunic?

[getting annoyed; catching himself]

Kahmunrah Good.

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This Is Spinal Tap

The Emotional Impact of Musical Keys

Marty DiBergi It's pretty.

Nigel Tufnel Yeah, I like it. I've been fooling around with it for a few months now. Very delicate.

Marty DiBergi It's a bit of a departure from what you normally play.

Nigel Tufnel Yeah, well, it's part of a trilogy, a musical trilogy that I'm doing in D... minor, which I always find is really the saddest of all keys, really, I don't know why. It makes people weep instantly to play

[plays and sings]

Nigel Tufnel It's a horn part.

Marty DiBergi It's very pretty.

Nigel Tufnel You know, just simple lines intertwining, you know, very much like — I'm really influenced by ] and ], and it's sort of in between those, really. It's like a Mach piece, really. It's sort of...

[[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart; [Johann Sebastian Bach|Bach]

Marty DiBergi What do you call this?

Nigel Tufnel Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump.

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The Princess Bride

Count Rugen's Reflection on the Past

Count Rugen You're that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible. Have you been chasing me all this time, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard of. How marvelous.

[to Inigo]

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This Is Spinal Tap

Discussion of Past Drummers in Spinal Tap

Marty DiBergi Now, during the Flower People period, who was your drummer?

David St. Hubbins Stumpy's replacement, Peter James Bond. He also died in mysterious circumstances. We were playing a, uh...

Nigel Tufnel ...Festival.

David St. Hubbins Jazz blues festival. Where was that?

Nigel Tufnel Blues jazz, really.

Derek Smalls Blues jazz festival. Misnamed.

Nigel Tufnel It was in the Isle of, uh...

David St. Hubbins Isle of Lucy. The Isle of Lucy jazz and blues festival.

Nigel Tufnel And, uh, it was tragic, really. He exploded on stage.

Derek Smalls Just like that.

David St. Hubbins He just went up.

Nigel Tufnel He just was like a flash of green light... And that was it. Nothing was left.

David St. Hubbins Look at his face.

[about Marty]

Nigel Tufnel Well, there was...

David St. Hubbins It's true, this really did happen.

Nigel Tufnel It's true. There was a little green globule on his drum seat.

David St. Hubbins Like a stain, really.

Nigel Tufnel It was more of a stain than a globule, actually.

David St. Hubbins You know, several, you know, dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported.

This Is Spinal Tap

Critique of Musical Creativity and Growth

Marty DiBergi Let's talk about your reviews a little bit. Regarding Intravenous Di Milo: "This tasteless cover is a good indication of the lack of musical invention within. The musical growth rate of this band cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry.

Nigel Tufnel That's...that's just nitpicking, isn't it?

A Mighty Wind

Embracing Change and True Identity in Music

Jerry Palter Things have been going really well. We got some gigs here, working at the casinos. It has been a time of changes, but change is good. Change is life.

Mark Shubb It was like a great big door opening for me... Town Hall... after that concert, I realized I wanted to spend as much of the rest of my life as possible playing folk music with these gentlemen...

Jerry Palter Right back atcha.

Mark Shubb ...and I wanted to spend all of it as a woman. I came to a realization that I was - and am - a blonde, female folk singer trapped in the body of a bald, male folk singer and I had to LET ME OUT or I WOULD DIE.

Jerry Palter When you put it that way, it's almost poetry.

Alan Barrows Almost.

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian

Characters Discuss World Domination and Membership

Kahmunrah ]'s warmup robe] Ooh, you know, I... I do sort of feel like... like a floating butterfly.

[wearing [[w:Muhammad Ali|Muhammad Ali]

Jedidiah You are crazier than a road lizard.

Ivan the Terrible Mr. Egypt. These two here heard that we're taking over the world and they want in. I don't know who they are, but they're on exhibit here, too, apparently.

Kahmunrah I don't even know what they are. ] and Um, I'm sorry, but we're all full up in our access of evil today. Sorry.

[walks up to [[w:Oscar the Grouch|Oscar the Grouch; [w:Darth Vader|Darth Vader]

Oscar the Grouch Ah, c'mon! But I'm bad! I'm bad! Hey, I can show you how bad I am! Fear me! Yeah!

[roars weakly]

Kahmunrah I'm sorry. I'm just not buying it. You don't seem very bad. You just seem sort of... vaguely grouchy to me.

Oscar Oh, boy...

Kahmunrah What are you doing? What is that? What is this? What does it mean? I don't... You've lost me. Is that you breathing? Because I can't hear myself think. Can I make one simple suggestion to you, my friend? Just simplify. There's just too much going on here. You're evil, you're asthmatic, you're a robot. And what is... What is the cape for? Are we going to the opera? I don't think so. Sorry. Bye.

[confused; mimics the hand motion; Darth Vader slams the lid of Oscar's trashcan on him as they leave]

Roger Rabbit I like them. They're screwy.

[to the audience about Oscar and Darth Vader]

This Is Spinal Tap

The Depths of Blackness Explained

Nigel Tufnel There's something about this that's so black, it's like how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black.

Memorable Quotes from Christopher Guest