Memorable Quotes from David Koechner
11 quotesReflections on Change and Nostalgia in Utah
Stumpy
I was there. Yeah, it was called the 80s. Ford was President, Nixon was in the White House and FDR was running this country into the ground. I was bummin in a hole-in-a-wall town in what is now called Utah. Some fella from Colorado shows up, starts making so called "improvements", right? Before we knew what hit us, the streets are running with latte's. It got so bad that a fella that liked to, you know... smoke a little grass or drink a little ripple. Crow like a rooster, maybe challenge the mayor's son to a gentlemen's duel, was "uncouth, against God." More like bad real estate values. Stumpy had to go!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussion of Holiday Accommodation Choices
Howard
We should have gone to stay with my brother!
Linda
Your brother lives in a barn!
Howard
Jesus was born in a barn!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Invention of Snowboarding Attribution Misunderstanding
Stumpy
Did I ever tell you about the time I invented snowboarding? Ya I don't want credit for it but they keep on giving it to me...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Protecting the Flock in Adversity
Howard
You're not thinking of going after that snowplow alone, are you?
Tom
Shepherd's gotta protect his flock.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Father-Son Revelation in Out Cold
Stumpy
Rick! I'm your father!
Rick
Ok whatever!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
News Crew Engages in Comedic Banter
BBC Anchor
Wait! Here's a headline for you: "Moronic Yank Wanker-man Gets a Bloody Good Hiding From Newsreader From a Superior Country." For we are the ] News Service!
[[w:BBC|BBC; BBC news team shouts]
Ron Burgundy
Oh, not now!
Jack Lime
Fall back, fall back.
[To his news team]
Wesley Jackson
If y'all gonna get down, then Wesley Jackson and the ] news crew want in!
[[w:MTV|MTV]
Brian Fantana
What's "MTV"?
Ron Burgundy
I think it's a venereal disease.
Wesley Jackson
The most requested video of the day: A new band called "Burgundy sucking chest wound"!
[MTV news team shouts]
Jill Jansen
It wouldn't be a battle without Jill Jansen...
Wendy Van Peel
And Wendy Van Peel, from Entertainment News.
BBC Anchor
Entertainment News is an abomination!
Wendy Van Peel
Who are you wearing today? Oh, look, it's your own blood!
Jill Jansen
Today's celebrity birthdays: None. Today's celebrity deaths: All you dick-licks!
Brian Fantana
I like how they're put together.
Champ Kind
I like fighting girls.
Jill Jansen
I like to cunt-punt cowboys.
Wendy Van Peel
You eat pussy?
Jill Jansen
You're gonna.
Scott Riles
HEEEEYYY! There's not gonna be any fight without Scott Riles and the incredibly polite Canadian News Team.
[Canada News Team shouts]
Quebec News Anchor
What about the French-speaking Quebec News? The real voice of Canada!
Scott Riles
Give it a rest, eh?
Champ Kind
Give me a break! They can't have news. Nothing happens in Canada!
Scott Riles
We're gonna mop the floor with ya! We're gonna put the boots to ya! Sorry.
Quebec News Anchor
Sorry. We're gonna gouge yer eyes out, and kick yer head in!
Scott Riles and Quebec News Anchor
Sorry!
Brick Tamland
...I like ]!
[[w:Canada Dry|your ginger ale]
Jeff Bullington
Jeff Bullington, ], all sports. Tonight's Play of the Day is me, extracting your spine from your dead body!
[[w:ESPN|ESPN]
Brian Fantana
Holy shit, there's a lot of news!
Ron Burgundy
It's true, the market has become saturated.
History Network Host
Hey! The History Network wants in on this. We're news too! Only news told much, much later!
[History Network team shouts]
Ron Burgundy
Wait a minute, is that the ghost of ] with you?
[[w:Stonewall Jackson|Stonewall Jackson]
History Network Host
Yes, it is. And the mighty ]!
[[w:Minotaur|minotaur]
Jack Lime
Eh, I don't know about this, man. The minotaur isn't even history. It's mythology!
Ron Burgundy
Hey, let's not downplay the fact that that's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!
Ghost of Stonewall Jackson
May the Lord anoint this hallowed field of battle.
Mack Tannen
You guys got room in this battle for an old war horse?
Ron Burgundy
Mack Tannen? What are you doing here, you're too old for this!
Mack Tannen
Well, you see, there's the thing: When there's an early moon, I almost feel like a stallion again!
Champ Kind
He's on our side, right Ron?
Ron Burgundy
He's a were-hyena!
Wesley Jackson
I'm gonna call ], I got a ]!
[[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson; [w:Michael Jackson's Thriller|video idea]
Ron Burgundy
Alright, everyone, listen up! By virtue of being on this battlefield, there is no return! People will die!
Jill Jansen
I'm so horny right now.
[Quietly]
Ron Burgundy
Some will be disfigured! In some cases, lasting friendships will be made! And as usual: No touching of the hair and face!
Scott Riles
C'mon! What do we look like, rookies?
Scott Riles and Quebec News anchor
Sorry.
Ron Burgundy
When El Trousias, Maiden of the Clouds, blows the battle horn, let the battle begin!
El Trousias
I am El Trousias! Hear my sirens song!
[Blows her horn]
Jeff Bullington
El Trousias...the juiciest, hmm!
El Trousias
...That means you can start.
[Finishes blowing her horn]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bats Referred to as Chicken of the Cave
Champ Kind
They call bats, "Chicken of the cave.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Doubts and Beliefs Among Family Members
Jordan
We know you still believe in the big fat creeper!
Max
I don't know what you're talking about!
Stevie
Are you sure about that?
[holds up Max's letter to Santa]
Beth
Stop!
[Max tries to get his letter back and Beth stops him]
Stevie
Dear Santa, I know I haven't been great this year and I'm sorry for that, but I was really hoping you can help out me and my family this Christmas. We need you!" Oh, Maxi-Pad. That is so s...
[starts reading Max's letter]
Beth
Stop, Max!
[stops Max from getting his letter back]
Stevie
Blah blah blah. Bullshit, bullshit. Ah, here we go, Maxie's wishlist!
Beth
Stevie, stop! That's enough!
Stevie
Wait, you're up first, Beth! "I wish me and Beth could hang out like we used to. Might've noticed that I don't have tons of friends." Oh no, really Max? "I wish my Mom and Dad could fall in love again. I know they get upset a lot with Dad away from home so much. I think they really just miss each other." "Also, I wish things weren't so hard for Uncle Howard and Aunt Linda. So, maybe you can lend them a hand for the rest of the year. And... and that..." Screw you, Dad does not wish we were boys!
[reading the letter; Linda comes in; angrily facing Max]
Sarah
Who wants crème brûlée?
[smilingly enters the dining room]
Max
Give me the letter!
Tom
Hey! Max?
Howard
Alright, that's enough!
Tom
You okay? Honey!
Max
I just wanted Christmas to be like it used to be, but forget it! I hate Christmas! I hate all of you!
Sarah
Max? Max!
Aunt Dorothy
Oh, lay off of him! Kid deserves a prize for telling the truth!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Family Ties in Controversial Careers
Heather Holloway
My other interviews have pinned you as a mass murderer, blood sucker, pimp, profiteer and my personal favorite, yuppie Mephistopheles.
Doak "The Captain" Boykin
You're family now. Tobacco takes care of its own.
Joey Naylor
It's like you always said, Dad, "If you want an easy job, go work for the Red Cross.
Bobby Jay Bliss
It was some pretty fucked up shit.
Polly Bailey
Are you a tit man?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Confession in a Surprising Encounter
Anton Phillips
What? No! It can’t be!
[''Slams the trunk.'']
Creepy Harry
Lord knows I have.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Beliefs on Chicken and the Census
Champ Kind
I believe in two things: Chicken, and that the census is a way for the UN to make your children gay.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.