Out Cold - Father-Son Revelation in Out Cold
Stumpy:
Rick! I'm your father!
Rick:
Ok whatever!
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Out Cold - Invention of Snowboarding Attribution Misunderstanding
Stumpy:
Did I ever tell you about the time I invented snowboarding? Ya I don't want credit for it but they keep on giving it to me...
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Out Cold - Reflections on Change and Nostalgia in Utah
Stumpy:
I was there. Yeah, it was called the 80s. Ford was President, Nixon was in the White House and FDR was running this country into the ground. I was bummin in a hole-in-a-wall town in what is now called Utah. Some fella from Colorado shows up, starts making so called "improvements", right? Before we knew what hit us, the streets are running with latte's. It got so bad that a fella that liked to, you know... smoke a little grass or drink a little ripple. Crow like a rooster, maybe challenge the mayor's son to a gentlemen's duel, was "uncouth, against God." More like bad real estate values. Stumpy had to go!
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Dirty Work - Unexpected Confession in a Surprising Encounter
Anton Phillips: [''Slams the trunk.'']
What? No! It can’t be!
Creepy Harry:
Lord knows I have.
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Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues - News Crew Engages in Comedic Banter
BBC Anchor: [[w:BBC|BBC; BBC news team shouts]
Wait! Here's a headline for you: "Moronic Yank Wanker-man Gets a Bloody Good Hiding From Newsreader From a Superior Country." For we are the ] News Service!
Ron Burgundy:
Oh, not now!
Jack Lime: [To his news team]
Fall back, fall back.
Wesley Jackson: [[w:MTV|MTV]
If y'all gonna get down, then Wesley Jackson and the ] news crew want in!
Brian Fantana:
What's "MTV"?
Ron Burgundy:
I think it's a venereal disease.
Wesley Jackson: [MTV news team shouts]
The most requested video of the day: A new band called "Burgundy sucking chest wound"!
Jill Jansen:
It wouldn't be a battle without Jill Jansen...
Wendy Van Peel:
And Wendy Van Peel, from Entertainment News.
BBC Anchor:
Entertainment News is an abomination!
Wendy Van Peel:
Who are you wearing today? Oh, look, it's your own blood!
Jill Jansen:
Today's celebrity birthdays: None. Today's celebrity deaths: All you dick-licks!
Brian Fantana:
I like how they're put together.
Champ Kind:
I like fighting girls.
Jill Jansen:
I like to cunt-punt cowboys.
Wendy Van Peel:
You eat pussy?
Jill Jansen:
You're gonna.
Scott Riles: [Canada News Team shouts]
HEEEEYYY! There's not gonna be any fight without Scott Riles and the incredibly polite Canadian News Team.
Quebec News Anchor:
What about the French-speaking Quebec News? The real voice of Canada!
Scott Riles:
Give it a rest, eh?
Champ Kind:
Give me a break! They can't have news. Nothing happens in Canada!
Scott Riles:
We're gonna mop the floor with ya! We're gonna put the boots to ya! Sorry.
Quebec News Anchor:
Sorry. We're gonna gouge yer eyes out, and kick yer head in!
Scott Riles and Quebec News Anchor:
Sorry!
Brick Tamland: [[w:Canada Dry|your ginger ale]
...I like ]!
Jeff Bullington: [[w:ESPN|ESPN]
Jeff Bullington, ], all sports. Tonight's Play of the Day is me, extracting your spine from your dead body!
Brian Fantana:
Holy shit, there's a lot of news!
Ron Burgundy:
It's true, the market has become saturated.
History Network Host: [History Network team shouts]
Hey! The History Network wants in on this. We're news too! Only news told much, much later!
Ron Burgundy: [[w:Stonewall Jackson|Stonewall Jackson]
Wait a minute, is that the ghost of ] with you?
History Network Host: [[w:Minotaur|minotaur]
Yes, it is. And the mighty ]!
Jack Lime:
Eh, I don't know about this, man. The minotaur isn't even history. It's mythology!
Ron Burgundy:
Hey, let's not downplay the fact that that's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!
Ghost of Stonewall Jackson:
May the Lord anoint this hallowed field of battle.
Mack Tannen:
You guys got room in this battle for an old war horse?
Ron Burgundy:
Mack Tannen? What are you doing here, you're too old for this!
Mack Tannen:
Well, you see, there's the thing: When there's an early moon, I almost feel like a stallion again!
Champ Kind:
He's on our side, right Ron?
Ron Burgundy:
He's a were-hyena!
Wesley Jackson: [[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson; [w:Michael Jackson's Thriller|video idea]
I'm gonna call ], I got a ]!
Ron Burgundy:
Alright, everyone, listen up! By virtue of being on this battlefield, there is no return! People will die!
Jill Jansen: [Quietly]
I'm so horny right now.
Ron Burgundy:
Some will be disfigured! In some cases, lasting friendships will be made! And as usual: No touching of the hair and face!
Scott Riles:
C'mon! What do we look like, rookies?
Scott Riles and Quebec News anchor:
Sorry.
Ron Burgundy:
When El Trousias, Maiden of the Clouds, blows the battle horn, let the battle begin!
El Trousias: [Blows her horn]
I am El Trousias! Hear my sirens song!
Jeff Bullington:
El Trousias...the juiciest, hmm!
El Trousias: [Finishes blowing her horn]
...That means you can start.
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Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues - Bats Referred to as Chicken of the Cave
Champ Kind:
They call bats, "Chicken of the cave.
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Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues - Beliefs on Chicken and the Census
Champ Kind:
I believe in two things: Chicken, and that the census is a way for the UN to make your children gay.
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Krampus - Doubts and Beliefs Among Family Members
Jordan:
We know you still believe in the big fat creeper!
Max:
I don't know what you're talking about!
Stevie: [holds up Max's letter to Santa]
Are you sure about that?
Beth: [Max tries to get his letter back and Beth stops him]
Stop!
Stevie: [starts reading Max's letter]
Dear Santa, I know I haven't been great this year and I'm sorry for that, but I was really hoping you can help out me and my family this Christmas. We need you!" Oh, Maxi-Pad. That is so s...
Beth: [stops Max from getting his letter back]
Stop, Max!
Stevie:
Blah blah blah. Bullshit, bullshit. Ah, here we go, Maxie's wishlist!
Beth:
Stevie, stop! That's enough!
Stevie: [reading the letter; Linda comes in; angrily facing Max]
Wait, you're up first, Beth! "I wish me and Beth could hang out like we used to. Might've noticed that I don't have tons of friends." Oh no, really Max? "I wish my Mom and Dad could fall in love again. I know they get upset a lot with Dad away from home so much. I think they really just miss each other." "Also, I wish things weren't so hard for Uncle Howard and Aunt Linda. So, maybe you can lend them a hand for the rest of the year. And... and that..." Screw you, Dad does not wish we were boys!
Sarah: [smilingly enters the dining room]
Who wants crème brûlée?
Max:
Give me the letter!
Tom:
Hey! Max?
Howard:
Alright, that's enough!
Tom:
You okay? Honey!
Max:
I just wanted Christmas to be like it used to be, but forget it! I hate Christmas! I hate all of you!
Sarah:
Max? Max!
Aunt Dorothy:
Oh, lay off of him! Kid deserves a prize for telling the truth!
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Krampus - Protecting the Flock in Adversity
Howard:
You're not thinking of going after that snowplow alone, are you?
Tom:
Shepherd's gotta protect his flock.
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Krampus - Discussion of Holiday Accommodation Choices
Howard:
We should have gone to stay with my brother!
Linda:
Your brother lives in a barn!
Howard:
Jesus was born in a barn!
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Thank You for Smoking - Family Ties in Controversial Careers
Heather Holloway:
My other interviews have pinned you as a mass murderer, blood sucker, pimp, profiteer and my personal favorite, yuppie Mephistopheles.
Doak "The Captain" Boykin:
You're family now. Tobacco takes care of its own.
Joey Naylor:
It's like you always said, Dad, "If you want an easy job, go work for the Red Cross.
Bobby Jay Bliss:
It was some pretty fucked up shit.
Polly Bailey:
Are you a tit man?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.