David KrumholtzQuotes

Paul Hood: I've been thinking, Francis. You are one drug-addled, elitist freak. And when the revolution comes I do not want to be lined up with you and shot because you're fucking ripe for political reeducation. You know, like in the fields.

Francis Davenport: Let me enlighten you about something here. You and I exist on opposite sides of a great existential divide, that being your pathetic virginity on the one hand and my astonishing number of sexual conquests on the other. You're simply jealous.

Barry Corman: How much of this crap do I have to eat anyway? What am I? Jobe?

Barry Corman: [after seeing Angie for the first time] Va Va Va Vroom. Well, Hello Dolly!

Barry Corman: [after vomiting in a hat] Never again. From now on, it's only Kosher Franks.

Bernard: Look, you put the "P" next to the kids who are nice, and a "C" next to the naughty ones.

Scott: P" and "C"?

Charlie: Yeah. "P" for present, "C" for coal. Right, Bernard?

Bernard: Right.

Scott: Wait a minute, how do I know who's good and bad?

Bernard: You'll know.

Scott: What if I don't wanna do this?

Bernard: [in a stern tone] Don't even kid about a thing like that!

Scott: Why not? What if I don't buy in to this Santa Clause thing? What if I choose not to believe it?

Bernard: Then there would be millions of disappointed children around the world. You see, children hold the spirit of Christmas within their hearts. You wouldn't wanna be responsible for killing the spirit of Christmas now, would you... Santa?

Bernard: [reading the card Scott found in the Santa suit under a magnifier; pulls the card away] The Santa Clause: "In putting on the suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waives any and all rights to any previous identity, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus in perpetuity until such time that wearer becomes unable to do so by either accident or design.

Scott: What does that mean?

Bernard: It means you put on the suit, you're the big guy.

Scott: That's ridiculous; I didn't put on a suit just to-

Bernard: [angrily] Try to understand this!

Elves: [shocked] Ooh!

Bernard: [chuckles in embarrassment] Let me explain something to you, okay? Toys have to be delivered. I'm not gonna do it. It's not my job. I'm just an elf. It's Santa's job, but Santa fell off the roof; your roof. You read the card, put on the suit, that clearly falls under the Santa Clause, so now you're Santa. Okay?

Scott: Hey, Barabbas.

Bernard: Bernard!

Scott: Bernard. Can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to change planes in Denver?

Mr. Universe: You guys always bring me the very best violence.

Mr. Universe: It was a very beautiful ceremony. Lenore wrote her own vows. I cried. Like a baby. A hungry, angry baby.

Bernard: Okay, Chet. This is it. You ready to rock and roll?

Carol: Chet?

Bernard: Yeah. He's still in training.

Scott: How much flight time has he had?

Bernard: About a minute-and-a-half.

Curtis: Hey, but he's had a lot of crash time.

Scott: [sternly] Curtis.

Curtis: He's just a baby.

Toy Santa: [wearing an admiral uniform; the elves stopped working] Can I have your attention? Stop the work, please. Everybody, stop the work. Merry Christmas! That's nice. I have a little announcement to make. From this moment forward, we're not gonna make any more toys.

Elves: [confused] What? Huh?

Toy Santa: The children of the world don't deserve these presents. They're running rampant with naughtiness. So, for this Christmas, we're gonna give these greedy, selfish little kids exactly what they deserve. A beautiful, high-quality, yet-low sulfur variety of coal!

Elves: [shocked] Coal?!

Toy Santa: Quiet!

Elf: [to the other elves] We can't give them coal.

Toy Santa: [an elf hands him a horn; chuckles; blows the horn to summon the human-sized wooden toy soldiers, surrounding the elves] We have to focus, all of us, on the goals ahead. And just to make sure that happens. Thank you, sweetie. I-- I hate to blow my own horn.

Bernard: Stay where you are! Don't be afraid!

Curtis: Back! Back, back, back!

Toy Santa: I was up late, couldn't sleep. Milk wouldn't do it, cocoa was a little sweet, so I decided to make my own army of toy soldiers. They don't have a good sense of humor like me. I would do what they ask you, which is pretty much what I'm going to tell you!

Bernard: [can't handle the lies] Don't listen to him! This guy's not Santa!

Elf: Not Santa?!

Bernard: [while being held hostage by the toy soldiers] He's a toy! He has a rubber face, and a plastic tushy! Ohh! Trust me! Don't let him ruin Christmas!

Toy Santa: [sarcastically; The coal tumbles on the conveyer belts] Thank you for those kind words, Bernard. Well, now that we all have an understanding...have a...a joyous and merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

Curtis: Well, I think he's learning at an excellent rate.

Bernard: Oh, really?

Curtis: Yeah.

Bernard: This morning, he ate a bowl of waxed fruit.

Toy Santa: [while reading the contents of handbook of rules] Wait a minute. I need the naughty-and-nice list.

Bernard: No.

Toy Santa: Oh, yes, yes. It says I'm supposed to check it twice.

Bernard: Santa already checked it.

Toy Santa: No, I didn't.

Bernard: The real Santa.

Toy Santa: I am the real Santa.

Bernard: I'm sorry?

Toy Santa: I'm in charge here.

Bernard: What?

Toy Santa: I'm supposed check the list twice. That's the rule. I like the rules. I think you're aware of how I feel about that.

Bernard: I think you're misunderstanding something.

Toy Santa: No, no, I'm a rule maker. I like the rules. Santa likes the rules.

Scott: That's weird, isn't it?

Puppets: Uh-oh!

Scott: These fit yesterday, didn't they?

Abby: Hot cocoa for you, Santa.

Bernard: This is not a good time, Abby.

Abby: I sent Dasher down for some Brazilian cocoa beans.

Scott: What's the bad news?

Abby: [smiling] What do you mean?

Scott: [Abby's smile fades, and she gives him the naughty-and-nice list] Whenever you play the designer bean card, generally, you have bad news. What are you doin with the naughty-and-nice list?

Abby: [Scott opens the naughty-and-nice list] Just don't shoot the messenger. It's...Charlie.

Scott: [[w:Charlie Sheen|Sheen] ]? I thought he straightened out.

Abby: Not that Charlie.

Scott: [realizes] My Charlie? My son, Charlie? He's on the naughty list?

Puppets: [shocked; hide] AAAAAAH!!!!

Scott: This is - There's gotta be a mistake.

Abby: [leaves] We don't make mistakes. I'm sorry, Santa. Please excuse me.

Scott: Well, how could this happen? Is this what you and Curtis were trying to tell me?

Curtis: Great! You told him! Good! Let's get you dressed for that meeting.

Scott: I-I can't have the meeting here, I really can't. I'm gonna have to see Charlie.

Bernard: [to Curtis] Number two, tell him now.

Scott: Tell me what, guys? Come on. Come clean now.

Curtis: Santa, there's a clause.

Scott: Yeah, and that would be me.

Curtis: No, I mean there's another Santa clause.

Scott: Curtis, in case you haven't noticed, this time of year, the malls are filled with other "Santa Clauses".

Curtis: Yes, but there's another Santa clause. There was a first clause, but also a second clause.

Puppets: Get on with it!

Curtis: When the last Santa Claus fell off your roof and you put on his coat, you found this.

Scott: Right. "He who wears the coat takes on the responsibilities of Santa Claus..." Something like that, and of course, the rest would be history, right?

Bernard: But it seems our number two elf, the "keeper of the handbook", overlooked the single, MOST IMPORTANT DETAIL in the history of Christmas!

Curtis: Wow. One mistake in 900 years.

Bernard: Look.

Scott: I-I can't see that.

Bernard: Better now?

Scott: Uh--

Bernard: Or now?

Bernard: Better now?

Scott: It's gettin there.

Bernard: Or now?

Scott: [Bernard flips a big magnifying glass up; realizes] I can't see anything. I see. Good, good, good. I see it. Okay. Well, uh, "The card holder acknowledges a woman of his choosing. True Love...Not valid in," uh, "state of Utah. Holy... matrimony"?! I gotta get married!

Bernard: Yes, It's...the Mrs. Clause.

Scott: [starts getting thinner] What if I don't want to get married?

Curtis: Oh, dear. THE DE-SANTAFICATION PROCESS HAS BEGUN!

Scott: [sighs; worried about Christmas magic fading] The de-Santafication? Are you telling me that in that clause, it says that if I don't get married...I don't get to be Santa anymore? Wh-- What about the kids? Wh-- What about the elves? And w-- What about you guys?

Bernard: It's not completely hopeless, sir. You still have time to find a wife.

Scott: Right. Well, how much time do I have, Curtis?

Curtis: 28 days.

Scott: 28 days. So I've gotta find a wife by Christmas.

Curtis: Actually, Christmas Eve.

Scott: I guess it's over.

Curtis: [the puppets sigh sadly. Suddenly, Santa's beard shrinks, and the puppets shout in shock; surprised] No! You can't think that way! Please, don't give up hope. Cause if you do...then we have to. Whoa.

Scott: Christmas is getting very complicated.

Bernard: Stay where you are! Don't be afraid!

Bernard: [to Curtis; frustrated] Curtis, you're 900 years old. Grow up!

Micheal Cera: [drunken to the crowd; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martin_Starr MARTIN] ALRIGHT Everybody listen up, listen up!! Who took my FUCKING CELL PHONE, MAN?!?! , EMPTY YOUR POCKETS!!!

Martin Starr: What?!

Micheal Cera: I saw you in the bathroom, man, somebody dial my phone, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! IT'S UNBELIEVABLE!!! It's UNACCEPTABLE after all the coke I've WASTED on you people! I've THROWN AWAY!!!

Martin Starr: I didn't take your fucking cell phone!

Micheal Cera: THREE-ONE-ZERO-NINE...!!

Seth Rogen: Woah, woah! Mike! Mike! MIKE!MIKE!MIKE!MIKE!MIKE!!!!

David Krumholtz: MY FACE!!!

Micheal Cera: What's happening to me?! What's happening?!

Seth Rogen: MICHEAL, COME BACK!!!

Micheal Cera: [Sobbing in pain and humiliation] Oh shit, that's embarrassing!