Memorable Quotes from Diedrich Bader
12 quotesThe Unwelcome Case of the Mondays
Peter Gibbons
Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?
Lawrence
No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin something like that, man.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Rex Kwon Do Program Overview
Rex
Now, in addition to what you just saw, if you study with my eight-week program, you're gonna learn these things. First off, at Rex Kwon Do, we use the buddy system. No more flyin solo. You need somebody watchin your back at all times. Second off, you're gonna learn to discipline your image. You think I got where I am today because I dressed like Peter Pan here? Take a look at what I'm wearin', people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys? Forget about it. Last off, my students will learn about self respect. Do you think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it! Now, for only $300 dollars, you can sign up right now for my eight-week program.
[gestures at Napoleon; points to his American flag pants; points to a photo of his blonde, tan, muscular body-builder wife]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Consequences of Poor Communication in the Workplace
Lawrence
No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin something like that, man.
[When asked by Peter if anybody has ever said "Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays"]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Introducing Rex Kwon Do Self-Defense Program
Rex
My name is Rex. If you study with my eight-week program, you will learn the system of self-defense that I developed over two seasons fighting in the Octagon. It's called Rex Kwon Do. I need a volunteer...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Rex Calls for His Dog
Rex
C'MERE, BOY!
[to Rico, after he arrives home to find him trying to sell herbal breast enhancers to Starla]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Respect Your Authority Figure
Rex
Bow to your sensei. BOW TO YOUR SENSEI!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Request for Assistance with Arms
Rex
Grab my arm. The other arm. MY other arm!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Rex Kwon Do Self-Defense Invitation
Rex
I'm Rex, founder of the Rex Kwon Do self-defense system! After one week with me in my dojo, you'll be prepared to defend yourself with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man. So come down today for your free-trial lesson!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Cautionary Note from Lawrence
Lawrence
Hey, Peter...watch your cornhole, bud.
[When Peter prepares to confess to stealing from his company, which will mean certain jail time.]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Warning Against the Pit of Death
Traitoro
My lord, he will tell Xerxes that Sparta is not for them, so whatever you do, don't be throwing him into the Pit of Death. (Leonidas does the exact opposite) Stop throwing people into the Pit of Death! Really!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Simple Guide to Handling Situations
Rex
Just break the wrist, and walk away. Break the wrist; walk away.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Scott's Confidence in Love and Relationships
Cooper
Reading Mieke's old emails again?
Scott
Yeah. You know, she said I might be the one? That's huge. I've never been "the one" before. Thought I was "the one" with Fiona, but turns out I was, what?
Cooper
Look, you got nothing to worry about. You'll show up and sweep her off her German feet.
Scott
Thanks. Yeah. I will, won't I?
Mieke
I'm so sad and lonely. I'm so sad and lonely. I just wish someone would show up and sweep me off my German feet.
Scott
Mieke! I'm here.
Mieke
Scotty!
Scott
About that last email. I'm so sorry...
Mieke
The past is the past. You're here now. I've been saving myself for you. Let us make love for one whole month. Touch me, Scotty.
Scott
Okay.
Mieke
Oh, Scott...
[''Scott wakes up and realizes Mieke is actually Italian man'']
Italian man
Mi bello... Mi scusi!
[''Scott starts screaming, with Italian man and other three joining in'']
Song lyrics
Hot stuff baby this evening. Gotta have some hot stuff. Gotta have some love tonight. Hot stuff.
Scott
Guys, our train doesn't leave till morning. Where will we sleep?
Cooper
What do you mean, sleep? We can sleep on the train tomorrow. This is the best that could've happened. We're in Amsterdam! This is the drug and sex capital of Europe! Take a look at this. "Club Vandersexxx. The red light district's hottest sex club." We have to check it out. Who's with me? I'll go. Fine. Since no one else is willing to go, I'll just go myself.
[''Holds up flyer''; ''They stare indifferently'']
Madame Vandersexxx
I see. You're waiting for me
Cooper
This is definitely where I parked my car!
Madame Vandersexxx
Hello there. Welcome to Club Vandersexxx... Amsterdam's most erotic club, where your every fantasy will be fulfilled.
Cooper
Also says I get a free T-shirt with flyer.
Madame Vandersexxx
He's American. How sad for you to grow up in a country founded by prudes. A country overrun with crime and illiteracy. A country where a man is forced to make sex to only one woman at a time, and one must learn the woman's name beforehand.
Cooper
It was horrible.
Madame Vandersexxx
I know. But you can come with me... and let the Vandersexxx begin.
Song lyrics
] in my soul. Your iguana in my hall...
[[w:marijuana|Marijuana]
Scott
I can't believe we're doing this!
Jenny
Don't worry. ] are totally legal here.
[[w:Cannabis edible|Hash brownies]
Bakery server
You're gonna enjoy these, man. These are magical!
[''Lays down plate of [[w:Chocolate brownie|brownies]
Song lyrics
I like to smoke marijuana...
Scott
You wanna do this?
Jenny
Yeah.
[''They dig in'']
Jamie
Hi.
Camera store clerk
Hi.
Jamie
I need a new battery for my camera, and while you're at it, it could use a cleaning.
Camera store clerk
Wow. Is that a ]?
[[w:Leica M6|Leica M6]
Jamie
Actually, it's ]. It's got ].
[[w:Leica M7|an M7; [w:light meter|the built-in light meter]
Camera store clerk
It's so beautiful. So sleek, so powerful. How's the new lens system?
Jamie
Makes the ] look like ].
[[w:Nikon|Nikon; [w:Disposable camera|a disposable]
Camera store clerk
You really know your cameras. And you're very cute.
Jamie
Me? Really?
Camera store clerk
I'm going on break. I was going to step out back and have a cigarette. Would you like to join me?
Jamie
I don't smoke.
Camera store clerk
Neither do I. Hold on, hold on. What is it? This is great! You're so innocent. Let's change that... shall we? What would you like me to do?
Jamie
Well... I don't really know... I guess I really haven't done that much. I haven't really found the time, with all my extracurriculars, and model U.N., ], after-school tutor... ing!
[[w:Advanced Placement|advanced placement classes]
Jamie
Ah! Gosh, you really like cameras!
Madame Vandersexxx
Sometimes, we find our clients are so overwhelmed with the pleasure, that they sometimes scream out, "no," when really they mean, "yes." And this is why we have ].
[[w:Safeword|the safe word]
Cooper
The "safe word"?
Madame Vandersexxx
If at any time the ecstasy gets too great, you just use the safe word. Until we hear the safe word, we will not stop.
Cooper
Yeah, right. Stop.
Madame Vandersexxx
All right. We're going to start slowly, teasing you with a little light erotic foreplay.
Cooper
Whee! Oh, yes, ladies!
[''Girls tie Cooper to table'']
Madame Vandersexxx
On, on, vandersexxx! Hans! Gruber!
[''Girls disappear, curtains automatically pull away, [[w:BDSM in culture and media|lighting changes to militaristic BDSM-style and she pulls away jacket to reveal leather dress; ''Two overweight leather-clad men come in'']
Cooper
Hi. So, are the girls coming back?
Madame Vandersexxx
Administer the testicle clamps!
Cooper
Huh? What? Hey! Safe word! What is that?! That's not a word, it's a... "Fluggen-kliggin-kien?" Fluggen!
Mugger
Okay, mister, don't move!
[''Appears holding a knife'']
Jamie
Excuse me?!
Mugger
Shut the hell up!
Jamie
Oh, brother! Please don't hurt me. Oh, no... you're fine. That's good. You're fine.
[''To Camera store clerk'']
Mugger
Give me cash?! You got cash?!
Jamie
Take it all, you dirty girl!
Mugger
What?! Your wallet! Focus! Give it to me!
[''Gives him wallet belt'']
Jamie
Oh! Oh, I love you! I love you! I love you! I looove you!
Scott
What's so funny?!
[''Jenny bursts laughing'']
Jenny
I'm really hungry. ]!
[[w:Effects of cannabis#Appetite|I think I've got the munchies]
Scott
Excuse me?!
Jenny
Huh?
Scott
It's hot in here! You hot?! Cause I'm really hot!
Jenny
So good!
Scott
Okay, I can't breathe! God! I'm freaking out! I think we got a bad batch cause I'm freaking out. I can't... I can't do this. I saw a gay porno once! I didn't know until halfway in! The girls never came! The girls never came! I am freaking out!
Bakery server
Everything all right with you?!
[''Appears'']
Scott
No, nothing's all right! You sold us a bad batch of hash brownies! You're a bad ]!
[[w:Rastafari|Rastafarian]
Bakery server
These are not hash brownies!
[''Camera view becomes stoic'']
Scott
Hmm?! What was that?!
Bakery server
We do not sell hash brownies! We're a simple Dutch bakery! Now put your clothes back on, white boy!
Cooper
Ow! Ow! Ow! "Fluggengegeholen!
Madame Vandersexxx
Did you say fluggegecheimen?!
Cooper
Yes! Yes! For the love of god, fluggengecheimen!
Madame Vandersexxx
Are you sure?!
Cooper
Yes, please!
Madame Vandersexxx
As you wish. Bring on the fluggegecheimen!
[''Two burly men bring out a cartoonishly complex sex machine with four dildos repurposed from a [[w:String trimmer|weedwacker]
Cooper
Wait... what? Uh-oh. No, no, no! I didn't say fluggegecheimen, I said, uh...
[''They rev the machine''; ''They lean in aiming at Cooper's rear and he screams'']
Scott
What'd you do last night?
Cooper
I don't want to talk about it. What did you guys do?
Scott
Don't want to talk about it. What is that?
Cooper
Free T-shirt.
Jamie
Hey, guys!
Cooper
What happened to you?
Jamie
I got robbed. It was awesome! Our money, passports, tickets... Everything, gone!
Cooper
How the hell could this happen? We all go to Amsterdam, and Jamie's the one who hooks up! For shame! Oh, that's me. Coop here. Sorry. Hello, Mr. Walters. You never got the Gutterman file? I told Humphrey to give it to you. That's hogwash. I handed it to him myself yesterday. I'll tell Humphrey to report to your office immediately. Bye. This job's killing me.
[''Phone rings''; ''Truck pulls over and driver leans out speaking fast colloquial German'']
Scott
Uh... Let me handle this. I speak bad German. My Deutsch is ill, but I can understand on you if the speaking is slowly.
[''In German'']
Truck driver
Deutsch! I have been driving for 14 hours straight and I haven't slept in 3 days! And I am wired on ], ], and ]!
[''In German''; [w:Schnapps|Schnapps; [w:Benzedrine|Benzedrine; [w:Chocolate-coated peanut|those little chocolate covered peanuts]
Cooper
What did he say?
Scott
He said he's driving.
Jenny
Oh.
Scott
Something. Do you know where Berlin is?
[''In German'']
Truck driver
Berlin? Yes, I know it well. I stabbed a woman in a bar in Berlin. But I am going nowhere near Berlin.
[''In German'']
Scott
Berlin?
Truck driver
Berlin! ] ] in Berlin.
[''In German''; [w:sexual assault|I also sexually assaulted; [w:bestiality|a horse]
Scott
He's going to Berlin!
Jamie
Awesome! All right!
Jenny
Berlin!
Truck driver
Come on, let's go! Next stop, Berlin! I'll drive this truck off a cliff before I ever go back to Berlin.
[''In German'']
Scott
Beautiful! We made it to Berlin.
Truck driver
Jah. Berlin! No one will ever find me in Bratislava.
[''In German'']
Scott
]?
[[w:Bratislava|Bratislava]
Truck driver
Yeah. Bratislava!
Cooper
Dear sweet mother of God. We're in Eastern Europe.
Jenny
Eww!
Scott
Excuse me. Do you speak any English?
Man
You are Americans? Yeah. I love America. We just get "Miami Vice" on television. "Miami Vice" is number one new show. Yeah.
Scott
Listen, we're trying to get to Berlin, Germany. Do you know if there's a train coming anytime soon?
Man
Oh, yes, very soon. They are building it now. ]! Enjoy Bratislava! It's good you came in summer. In winter, it can get very depressing.
[[w:U Can't Touch This|Stop! Hammer time]
Scott
We gotta figure something out. How much money do we have?
Jamie
Frommer's travel tip.
Jenny
I don't have anything.
Cooper
What? I got noth... fine. ].
[''Fishes out spare change''; [w:United States dollar|$1.83 American]
Scott
What are we gonna get with that?
Scott
Gotta love that exchange rate!
TV commercial announcer
Ta. Hapi Djus. Teraz bez drenei.
Cooper
Hmm. Now with less pulp.
Scott
Dinner is served.
Server
Would the masters care for anything else?
Scott
Think we're good. Thanks.
[''Tips him'']
Server
Ah! A nickel! You see this? I quit! I open my own hotel!
[''To boss''; ''Slaps his boss'']
Scott
So, we got 27 cents left. What is there to do in this town?
Scott
This song sounds familiar.
Cooper
Jenny, lemme check your coat.
Jenny
Hey!
Cooper
Jenny! That outfit is horrible! Just take it off... now!
Jenny
No, but I will let you buy me a drink.
Cristoph
Excuse me! You are the woman from the Paris train station, aren't you? My name is... Christoph.
Jenny
Yes. What are you doing here?
Cristoph
This is my place. My family owns many nightclubs in Europe. I'd be honored if you'd join me in my V.I.P.Room for a drink.
Jenny
Mmm-kay. Bye, Cooper.
Scott
What's that?
Jamie
It's absinthe. Frommer's says it's illegal in the States because it makes you hallucinate and go crazy. They call it "the green fairy.
Cristoph
My family has a yacht in ]. Come with me, Jennifer. We will sail away together.
[[w:Aegean seas|the Aegean]
Jenny
Oh, my God!
Cristoph
We will swim with ], and ] by moonlight.
[[w:dolphin|dolphins; [w:champagne|sip champagne]
Jenny
Oh, my God!
Cristoph
We will spend the day sunbathing, drinking wine. My wife makes the best ].
[[w:sangri|sangria]
Jenny
Wait... what?
Jenny
Sangria.
Cristoph
You take a good Spanish Rioja, and you put in slices of orange, and...
Jenny
No, wait. You said you were married? You go around Europe sleeping with every woman you meet?
Cristoph
No, please, Jennifer. It is not like that. I also sleep with men.
Jamie
I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.
Cooper
Me neither. Sober as a judge.
Scott
How bout you?
Green Fairy hallucination
I'm not feeling a goddamn thing. This absinthe is bullshit!
Scott
I hear you, my brother.
[''Fist bumps the fairy'']
Green Fairy hallucination
I'm outta here. [He flies off
Jenny
Excuse me.
[''She grabs absinthe bottle'']
Cooper
Hey, so where's Christoph?
Jenny
Shut up.
[''Starts chugging straight from bottle'']
Collectively
Europe! Europe! Whoo! Europe!
Cooper
So, tomorrow, Berlin. Tomorrow, Mieke!
[''To Scott'']
Scott
Check it out. No way!
[''Referring to Jamie making out with a woman'']
Cooper
Jamie's hooking up with another girl? Goddamn it! It's just so unfair. I've been all over, looking for crazy European sex, and he's the one who ends up...
[''The couple turns sideways to reveal the woman is Jenny'']
Scott and Cooper
Oh, my God!
Green Fairy hallucination
That is some pretty fucked-up shit. Can you say, "What the fuck did I do last night?
Scott
They really are the worst twins ever.
Cooper
That was a pretty wild night, eh? Yep. Pretty wild, pretty wild. I know I was out of control. How about you guys? Did you...?
Jenny
All right, look. We were really drunk, things got a little crazy, and Jamie... kissed me. Let's just forget about it, kay?
Cooper
Consider it forgotten. Never happened. Never happened. Fine. Let's just forget about it. It's not like you two had sex. Have you had sex?
Jamie
Shut up, Cooper!
Jenny
Jamie, relax. Cooper. Please?
Cooper
Okay, okay, fine. I'll give it a rest. Jamie, could I borrow your Frommer's? Oh, here it is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. Oh, here's a fun fact. You made out with your sister, man!
[''Jamie throws the book to Cooper''; ''Jamie lunges at Cooper and starts throttling him'']
Jamie
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Cooper
Like two dogs in heat.
Miami Vice fan man
] ] hybrid vehicle] My friends, ]? You go to Berlin? I'm your ride. Hop in.
[''Pulls up in an orange [[w:Ute (vehicle)|ute; [w:Panel van|panel van; [w:Wendy's|where is the beef]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.