Diedrich BaderQuotes

Rex: [to Rico, after he arrives home to find him trying to sell herbal breast enhancers to Starla] C'MERE, BOY!

Rex: [gestures at Napoleon; points to his American flag pants; points to a photo of his blonde, tan, muscular body-builder wife] Now, in addition to what you just saw, if you study with my eight-week program, you're gonna learn these things. First off, at Rex Kwon Do, we use the buddy system. No more flyin solo. You need somebody watchin your back at all times. Second off, you're gonna learn to discipline your image. You think I got where I am today because I dressed like Peter Pan here? Take a look at what I'm wearin', people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys? Forget about it. Last off, my students will learn about self respect. Do you think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it! Now, for only $300 dollars, you can sign up right now for my eight-week program.

Rex: Just break the wrist, and walk away. Break the wrist; walk away.

Rex: Grab my arm. The other arm. MY other arm!

Rex: Bow to your sensei. BOW TO YOUR SENSEI!

Rex: My name is Rex. If you study with my eight-week program, you will learn the system of self-defense that I developed over two seasons fighting in the Octagon. It's called Rex Kwon Do. I need a volunteer...

Rex: I'm Rex, founder of the Rex Kwon Do self-defense system! After one week with me in my dojo, you'll be prepared to defend yourself with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man. So come down today for your free-trial lesson!

Cooper: Reading Mieke's old emails again?

Scott: Yeah. You know, she said I might be the one? That's huge. I've never been "the one" before. Thought I was "the one" with Fiona, but turns out I was, what?

Cooper: Look, you got nothing to worry about. You'll show up and sweep her off her German feet.

Scott: Thanks. Yeah. I will, won't I?

Mieke: I'm so sad and lonely. I'm so sad and lonely. I just wish someone would show up and sweep me off my German feet.

Scott: Mieke! I'm here.

Mieke: Scotty!

Scott: About that last email. I'm so sorry...

Mieke: The past is the past. You're here now. I've been saving myself for you. Let us make love for one whole month. Touch me, Scotty.

Scott: Okay.

Mieke: [''Scott wakes up and realizes Mieke is actually Italian man''] Oh, Scott...

Italian man: [''Scott starts screaming, with Italian man and other three joining in''] Mi bello... Mi scusi!

Song lyrics: Hot stuff baby this evening. Gotta have some hot stuff. Gotta have some love tonight. Hot stuff.

Scott: Guys, our train doesn't leave till morning. Where will we sleep?

Cooper: [''Holds up flyer''; ''They stare indifferently''] What do you mean, sleep? We can sleep on the train tomorrow. This is the best that could've happened. We're in Amsterdam! This is the drug and sex capital of Europe! Take a look at this. "Club Vandersexxx. The red light district's hottest sex club." We have to check it out. Who's with me? I'll go. Fine. Since no one else is willing to go, I'll just go myself.

Madame Vandersexxx: I see. You're waiting for me

Cooper: This is definitely where I parked my car!

Madame Vandersexxx: Hello there. Welcome to Club Vandersexxx... Amsterdam's most erotic club, where your every fantasy will be fulfilled.

Cooper: Also says I get a free T-shirt with flyer.

Madame Vandersexxx: He's American. How sad for you to grow up in a country founded by prudes. A country overrun with crime and illiteracy. A country where a man is forced to make sex to only one woman at a time, and one must learn the woman's name beforehand.

Cooper: It was horrible.

Madame Vandersexxx: I know. But you can come with me... and let the Vandersexxx begin.

Song lyrics: [[w:marijuana|Marijuana] ] in my soul. Your iguana in my hall...

Scott: I can't believe we're doing this!

Jenny: [[w:Cannabis edible|Hash brownies] Don't worry. ] are totally legal here.

Bakery server: [''Lays down plate of [[w:Chocolate brownie|brownies] You're gonna enjoy these, man. These are magical!

Song lyrics: I like to smoke marijuana...

Scott: You wanna do this?

Jenny: [''They dig in''] Yeah.

Jamie: Hi.

Camera store clerk: Hi.

Jamie: I need a new battery for my camera, and while you're at it, it could use a cleaning.

Camera store clerk: [[w:Leica M6|Leica M6] Wow. Is that a ]?

Jamie: [[w:Leica M7|an M7; [w:light meter|the built-in light meter] Actually, it's ]. It's got ].

Camera store clerk: It's so beautiful. So sleek, so powerful. How's the new lens system?

Jamie: [[w:Nikon|Nikon; [w:Disposable camera|a disposable] Makes the ] look like ].

Camera store clerk: You really know your cameras. And you're very cute.

Jamie: Me? Really?

Camera store clerk: I'm going on break. I was going to step out back and have a cigarette. Would you like to join me?

Jamie: I don't smoke.

Camera store clerk: Neither do I. Hold on, hold on. What is it? This is great! You're so innocent. Let's change that... shall we? What would you like me to do?

Jamie: [[w:Advanced Placement|advanced placement classes] Well... I don't really know... I guess I really haven't done that much. I haven't really found the time, with all my extracurriculars, and model U.N., ], after-school tutor... ing!

Jamie: Ah! Gosh, you really like cameras!

Madame Vandersexxx: [[w:Safeword|the safe word] Sometimes, we find our clients are so overwhelmed with the pleasure, that they sometimes scream out, "no," when really they mean, "yes." And this is why we have ].

Cooper: The "safe word"?

Madame Vandersexxx: If at any time the ecstasy gets too great, you just use the safe word. Until we hear the safe word, we will not stop.

Cooper: Yeah, right. Stop.

Madame Vandersexxx: All right. We're going to start slowly, teasing you with a little light erotic foreplay.

Cooper: [''Girls tie Cooper to table''] Whee! Oh, yes, ladies!

Madame Vandersexxx: [''Girls disappear, curtains automatically pull away, [[w:BDSM in culture and media|lighting changes to militaristic BDSM-style and she pulls away jacket to reveal leather dress; ''Two overweight leather-clad men come in''] On, on, vandersexxx! Hans! Gruber!

Cooper: Hi. So, are the girls coming back?

Madame Vandersexxx: Administer the testicle clamps!

Cooper: Huh? What? Hey! Safe word! What is that?! That's not a word, it's a... "Fluggen-kliggin-kien?" Fluggen!

Mugger: [''Appears holding a knife''] Okay, mister, don't move!

Jamie: Excuse me?!

Mugger: Shut the hell up!

Jamie: [''To Camera store clerk''] Oh, brother! Please don't hurt me. Oh, no... you're fine. That's good. You're fine.

Mugger: Give me cash?! You got cash?!

Jamie: Take it all, you dirty girl!

Mugger: [''Gives him wallet belt''] What?! Your wallet! Focus! Give it to me!

Jamie: Oh! Oh, I love you! I love you! I love you! I looove you!

Scott: [''Jenny bursts laughing''] What's so funny?!

Jenny: [[w:Effects of cannabis#Appetite|I think I've got the munchies] I'm really hungry. ]!

Scott: Excuse me?!

Jenny: Huh?

Scott: It's hot in here! You hot?! Cause I'm really hot!

Jenny: So good!

Scott: Okay, I can't breathe! God! I'm freaking out! I think we got a bad batch cause I'm freaking out. I can't... I can't do this. I saw a gay porno once! I didn't know until halfway in! The girls never came! The girls never came! I am freaking out!

Bakery server: [''Appears''] Everything all right with you?!

Scott: [[w:Rastafari|Rastafarian] No, nothing's all right! You sold us a bad batch of hash brownies! You're a bad ]!

Bakery server: [''Camera view becomes stoic''] These are not hash brownies!

Scott: Hmm?! What was that?!

Bakery server: We do not sell hash brownies! We're a simple Dutch bakery! Now put your clothes back on, white boy!

Cooper: Ow! Ow! Ow! "Fluggengegeholen!

Madame Vandersexxx: Did you say fluggegecheimen?!

Cooper: Yes! Yes! For the love of god, fluggengecheimen!

Madame Vandersexxx: Are you sure?!

Cooper: Yes, please!

Madame Vandersexxx: [''Two burly men bring out a cartoonishly complex sex machine with four dildos repurposed from a [[w:String trimmer|weedwacker] As you wish. Bring on the fluggegecheimen!

Cooper: [''They rev the machine''; ''They lean in aiming at Cooper's rear and he screams''] Wait... what? Uh-oh. No, no, no! I didn't say fluggegecheimen, I said, uh...

Scott: What'd you do last night?

Cooper: I don't want to talk about it. What did you guys do?

Scott: Don't want to talk about it. What is that?

Cooper: Free T-shirt.

Jamie: Hey, guys!

Cooper: What happened to you?

Jamie: I got robbed. It was awesome! Our money, passports, tickets... Everything, gone!

Cooper: [''Phone rings''; ''Truck pulls over and driver leans out speaking fast colloquial German''] How the hell could this happen? We all go to Amsterdam, and Jamie's the one who hooks up! For shame! Oh, that's me. Coop here. Sorry. Hello, Mr. Walters. You never got the Gutterman file? I told Humphrey to give it to you. That's hogwash. I handed it to him myself yesterday. I'll tell Humphrey to report to your office immediately. Bye. This job's killing me.

Scott: [''In German''] Uh... Let me handle this. I speak bad German. My Deutsch is ill, but I can understand on you if the speaking is slowly.

Truck driver: [''In German''; [w:Schnapps|Schnapps; [w:Benzedrine|Benzedrine; [w:Chocolate-coated peanut|those little chocolate covered peanuts] Deutsch! I have been driving for 14 hours straight and I haven't slept in 3 days! And I am wired on ], ], and ]!

Cooper: What did he say?

Scott: He said he's driving.

Jenny: Oh.

Scott: [''In German''] Something. Do you know where Berlin is?

Truck driver: [''In German''] Berlin? Yes, I know it well. I stabbed a woman in a bar in Berlin. But I am going nowhere near Berlin.

Scott: Berlin?

Truck driver: [''In German''; [w:sexual assault|I also sexually assaulted; [w:bestiality|a horse] Berlin! ] ] in Berlin.

Scott: He's going to Berlin!

Jamie: Awesome! All right!

Jenny: Berlin!

Truck driver: [''In German''] Come on, let's go! Next stop, Berlin! I'll drive this truck off a cliff before I ever go back to Berlin.

Scott: Beautiful! We made it to Berlin.

Truck driver: [''In German''] Jah. Berlin! No one will ever find me in Bratislava.

Scott: [[w:Bratislava|Bratislava] ]?

Truck driver: Yeah. Bratislava!

Cooper: Dear sweet mother of God. We're in Eastern Europe.

Jenny: Eww!

Scott: Excuse me. Do you speak any English?

Man: You are Americans? Yeah. I love America. We just get "Miami Vice" on television. "Miami Vice" is number one new show. Yeah.

Scott: Listen, we're trying to get to Berlin, Germany. Do you know if there's a train coming anytime soon?

Man: [[w:U Can't Touch This|Stop! Hammer time] Oh, yes, very soon. They are building it now. ]! Enjoy Bratislava! It's good you came in summer. In winter, it can get very depressing.

Scott: We gotta figure something out. How much money do we have?

Jamie: Frommer's travel tip.

Jenny: I don't have anything.

Cooper: [''Fishes out spare change''; [w:United States dollar|$1.83 American] What? I got noth... fine. ].

Scott: What are we gonna get with that?

Scott: Gotta love that exchange rate!

TV commercial announcer: Ta. Hapi Djus. Teraz bez drenei.

Cooper: Hmm. Now with less pulp.

Scott: Dinner is served.

Server: Would the masters care for anything else?

Scott: [''Tips him''] Think we're good. Thanks.

Server: [''To boss''; ''Slaps his boss''] Ah! A nickel! You see this? I quit! I open my own hotel!

Scott: So, we got 27 cents left. What is there to do in this town?

Scott: This song sounds familiar.

Cooper: Jenny, lemme check your coat.

Jenny: Hey!

Cooper: Jenny! That outfit is horrible! Just take it off... now!

Jenny: No, but I will let you buy me a drink.

Cristoph: Excuse me! You are the woman from the Paris train station, aren't you? My name is... Christoph.

Jenny: Yes. What are you doing here?

Cristoph: This is my place. My family owns many nightclubs in Europe. I'd be honored if you'd join me in my V.I.P.Room for a drink.

Jenny: Mmm-kay. Bye, Cooper.

Scott: What's that?

Jamie: It's absinthe. Frommer's says it's illegal in the States because it makes you hallucinate and go crazy. They call it "the green fairy.

Cristoph: [[w:Aegean seas|the Aegean] My family has a yacht in ]. Come with me, Jennifer. We will sail away together.

Jenny: Oh, my God!

Cristoph: [[w:dolphin|dolphins; [w:champagne|sip champagne] We will swim with ], and ] by moonlight.

Jenny: Oh, my God!

Cristoph: [[w:sangri|sangria] We will spend the day sunbathing, drinking wine. My wife makes the best ].

Jenny: Wait... what?

Jenny: Sangria.

Cristoph: You take a good Spanish Rioja, and you put in slices of orange, and...

Jenny: No, wait. You said you were married? You go around Europe sleeping with every woman you meet?

Cristoph: No, please, Jennifer. It is not like that. I also sleep with men.

Jamie: I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.

Cooper: Me neither. Sober as a judge.

Scott: How bout you?

Green Fairy hallucination: I'm not feeling a goddamn thing. This absinthe is bullshit!

Scott: [''Fist bumps the fairy''] I hear you, my brother.

Green Fairy hallucination: I'm outta here. [He flies off

Jenny: [''She grabs absinthe bottle''] Excuse me.

Cooper: Hey, so where's Christoph?

Jenny: [''Starts chugging straight from bottle''] Shut up.

Collectively: Europe! Europe! Whoo! Europe!

Cooper: [''To Scott''] So, tomorrow, Berlin. Tomorrow, Mieke!

Scott: [''Referring to Jamie making out with a woman''] Check it out. No way!

Cooper: [''The couple turns sideways to reveal the woman is Jenny''] Jamie's hooking up with another girl? Goddamn it! It's just so unfair. I've been all over, looking for crazy European sex, and he's the one who ends up...

Scott and Cooper: Oh, my God!

Green Fairy hallucination: That is some pretty fucked-up shit. Can you say, "What the fuck did I do last night?

Scott: They really are the worst twins ever.

Cooper: That was a pretty wild night, eh? Yep. Pretty wild, pretty wild. I know I was out of control. How about you guys? Did you...?

Jenny: All right, look. We were really drunk, things got a little crazy, and Jamie... kissed me. Let's just forget about it, kay?

Cooper: Consider it forgotten. Never happened. Never happened. Fine. Let's just forget about it. It's not like you two had sex. Have you had sex?

Jamie: Shut up, Cooper!

Jenny: Jamie, relax. Cooper. Please?

Cooper: [''Jamie throws the book to Cooper''; ''Jamie lunges at Cooper and starts throttling him''] Okay, okay, fine. I'll give it a rest. Jamie, could I borrow your Frommer's? Oh, here it is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. Oh, here's a fun fact. You made out with your sister, man!

Jamie: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Cooper: Like two dogs in heat.

Miami Vice fan man: [''Pulls up in an orange [[w:Ute (vehicle)|ute; [w:Panel van|panel van; [w:Wendy's|where is the beef] ] ] hybrid vehicle] My friends, ]? You go to Berlin? I'm your ride. Hop in.

Traitoro: My lord, he will tell Xerxes that Sparta is not for them, so whatever you do, don't be throwing him into the Pit of Death. (Leonidas does the exact opposite) Stop throwing people into the Pit of Death! Really!

Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?

Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin something like that, man.

Lawrence: [When Peter prepares to confess to stealing from his company, which will mean certain jail time.] Hey, Peter...watch your cornhole, bud.

Lawrence: [When asked by Peter if anybody has ever said "Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays"] No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin something like that, man.