Ed Begley Jr.Quotes

Gil Turner: Do you smell perfume?

Jack Harrison: Yes. I know what was in this room.

Gil: What?

Jack: The Creature from Estee Lauder.

Jack Harrison: Look, didn't you hire me to raise the journalistic level of this paper?

Mac Turner: [points to Gil] Wrong! I hired you to raise the vocabulary level of this paper. I want to keep the journalistic level very low. Why do you think I teamed you up with him?

Gil Turner: Hey, I'm a team player.

Gil Turner: You can't fire me, I'm your son.

Mac Turner: Prove it!

ALF: [strapped into an electric chair] I take it this isn't the word association test.

Dr. Warner: No, no. We're going to conduct a different test.

ALF: [looks at a High Voltage sign] I'm not sure I like the word "conduct".

Dr. Warner: Oh, pay no attention to that sign, it shouldn't even be there. I'll remove it if it bothers you.

ALF: It bothers me.

ALF: Medic. Medic.

Hilley:   I think she's running for office.

Hassler: [[dumb]   Come on.  Can you be that ] and run for office?

Bob Patchett: Mary, what's wrong?

Mary Fisher: Your son and that mongrel are molesting my poodle.

Bob Patchett: Ruth, where are you going?!

Ruth Patchett: I don't know, Bob. Into my future, I guess.

Bob's father: Uh, if you were not in love with her why did you marry her, Bob?

Bob Patchett: She was pregnant; YOU MADE ME, DAD!

Bob's father: Oh, yeah, right.

Bob's mother: Well, marriage is never easy, son.

Bob Patchett: Oh, my God!

Andy Patchett: Herbie!

Nicolette Patchett: I'm gonna barf.

Bob Patchett: Ruth, what the hell is wrong with you?!

Ruth Patchett: I'll go get a strainer.

Bob Patchett: [startled] Ruth! What the hell are you doing?! Oh, please, don't start now. My folks will be here soon.

Ruth Patchett: I'm not starting anything, I just wanted to weigh myself.

Bob Patchett: Yeah, no wonder you're upset.

Bob Patchett: [in awe of Fisher's home] My God, this is fantastic.

Mary Fisher: You should see my electric bill.

Bob Patchett: I'd love to!

Mary Fisher: What is it, exactly, that you do, Mr. Patchett?

Bob Patchett: I'm a financial consultant.

Mary Fisher: Really?! I'm absolutely in awe of men who know how to handle money. I can't even balance my own checkbook.

Bob Patchett: Doesn't your accountant do that for you?

Mary Fisher: Should he?

Bob Patchett: The good ones do.

Bob Patchett: [sets Olivia on the Xerox machine] It's picture time!

Bob Patchett: Because that is the real world, Mary, so wake up and smell the cappuccino!

Bob Patchett: [speaking to Ruth] I don't even think you're a woman! You know what you are? You're a she-devil!

Claire Tyler: [gasps as the car parks in front of Richard's bicycle, lying down; Alan stops the car; gets out; Alan gets out] I can't imagine where he could be. Maybe we should call the police. Alan! He's home! Alan.

Alan Tyler: [sees the sleeping Richard in the treehouse; goes up into the treehouse] It's impossible. Rich?

Claire Tyler: [goes up into the treehouse and takes Richard's signature glasses] We probably should put him in his bed.

Alan Tyler: [Claire goes down; uses hid coat as a blanket for Richard; turning off a lantern; kisses his head; goes down the treehouse; and inside the house with Claire; closes the door, leaves, and the living room light turn off] Let's let him sleep up here tonight. Love you, Richie. Good night, son.

Fantasy: Ah! A happy ending.

Adventure: Y'know what'd make this a real happy ending? A kiss.

Horror: Okay.

Adventure: Grr… I meant from her!

Richard Tyler: Can't argue with statistics, Dad.

Alan Tyler: Statistics. Here's something you can do: go down to Gutman's Hardware Store, buy a pound of these.

Richard Tyler: But, Dad...

Alan Tyler: [with a five-dollar-bill; gives money to Richard] Son, you can't live your life based on statistics. You've gotta take some chances. Now come on, Buddy. You can do this.

Richard Tyler: [leaving his parents behind; to himself] This is not good. Definitely not good.

Claire Tyler: [offscreen; in bed] Alan, every ten-year-old is afraid of something.

Alan Tyler: [offscreen; in bed] The kid's afraid of tuna-fish sandwiches.

Claire Tyler: Mercury levels in the tuna.

Alan Tyler: Whatever.

Claire Tyler: Alan, the world is a frightening place to him right now. I think we could be a little more supportive.

Alan Tyler: [offscreen; Claire turns on a light; looks at the treehouse on a dark and stormy night] Supportive? I'm the most supportive father on earth, but I'm running out of supportive things to do. I signed him up for Little League, he drove everybody crazy with statistics about how you can develop tumors from being hit in the head with a ball. Did you know that shin splints can lead to blood clots in the legs? Claire, he brought in a medical journal. Nobody wanted to play after that. And now I'm building him a tree house, in a tree he refuses to climb.

Claire Tyler: You know he hates heights.

Alan Tyler: I don't know. I just want to be a good father.

Claire Tyler: But you are a good father.