Ed Begley Jr. Quotes

Jack Harrison Look, didn't you hire me to raise the journalistic level of this paper?

Mac Turner Wrong! I hired you to raise the vocabulary level of this paper. I want to keep the journalistic level very low. Why do you think I teamed you up with him?

Gil Turner Hey, I'm a team player.

Gil Turner Do you smell perfume?

Jack Harrison Yes. I know what was in this room.

Gil What?

Jack The Creature from Estee Lauder.

ALF I take it this isn't the word association test.

Dr. Warner No, no. We're going to conduct a different test.

ALF I'm not sure I like the word "conduct".

Dr. Warner Oh, pay no attention to that sign, it shouldn't even be there. I'll remove it if it bothers you.

ALF It bothers me.

ALF Medic. Medic.

Gil Turner You can't fire me, I'm your son.

Mac Turner Prove it!

Bob Patchett Ruth, where are you going?!

Ruth Patchett I don't know, Bob. Into my future, I guess.

Bob Patchett Oh, my God!

Andy Patchett Herbie!

Nicolette Patchett I'm gonna barf.

Bob Patchett Ruth, what the hell is wrong with you?!

Ruth Patchett I'll go get a strainer.

Mary Fisher What is it, exactly, that you do, Mr. Patchett?

Bob Patchett I'm a financial consultant.

Mary Fisher Really?! I'm absolutely in awe of men who know how to handle money. I can't even balance my own checkbook.

Bob Patchett Doesn't your accountant do that for you?

Mary Fisher Should he?

Bob Patchett The good ones do.

Bob Patchett Mary, what's wrong?

Mary Fisher Your son and that mongrel are molesting my poodle.

Bob Patchett My God, this is fantastic.

Mary Fisher You should see my electric bill.

Bob Patchett I'd love to!

Claire Tyler Alan, every ten-year-old is afraid of something.

Alan Tyler The kid's afraid of tuna-fish sandwiches.

Claire Tyler Mercury levels in the tuna.

Alan Tyler Whatever.

Claire Tyler Alan, the world is a frightening place to him right now. I think we could be a little more supportive.

Alan Tyler Supportive? I'm the most supportive father on earth, but I'm running out of supportive things to do. I signed him up for Little League, he drove everybody crazy with statistics about how you can develop tumors from being hit in the head with a ball. Did you know that shin splints can lead to blood clots in the legs? Claire, he brought in a medical journal. Nobody wanted to play after that. And now I'm building him a tree house, in a tree he refuses to climb.

Claire Tyler You know he hates heights.

Alan Tyler I don't know. I just want to be a good father.

Claire Tyler But you are a good father.

Hilley   I think she's running for office.

Hassler   Come on.  Can you be that ] and run for office?

Richard Tyler Can't argue with statistics, Dad.

Alan Tyler Statistics. Here's something you can do: go down to Gutman's Hardware Store, buy a pound of these.

Richard Tyler But, Dad...

Alan Tyler Son, you can't live your life based on statistics. You've gotta take some chances. Now come on, Buddy. You can do this.

Richard Tyler This is not good. Definitely not good.

Bob Patchett Because that is the real world, Mary, so wake up and smell the cappuccino!

Claire Tyler I can't imagine where he could be. Maybe we should call the police. Alan! He's home! Alan.

Alan Tyler It's impossible. Rich?

Claire Tyler We probably should put him in his bed.

Alan Tyler Let's let him sleep up here tonight. Love you, Richie. Good night, son.

Fantasy Ah! A happy ending.

Adventure Y'know what'd make this a real happy ending? A kiss.

Horror Okay.

Adventure Grr… I meant from her!

Bob Patchett Ruth! What the hell are you doing?! Oh, please, don't start now. My folks will be here soon.

Ruth Patchett I'm not starting anything, I just wanted to weigh myself.

Bob Patchett Yeah, no wonder you're upset.

Bob Patchett It's picture time!

Bob Patchett I don't even think you're a woman! You know what you are? You're a she-devil!

Bob's father Uh, if you were not in love with her why did you marry her, Bob?

Bob Patchett She was pregnant; YOU MADE ME, DAD!

Bob's father Oh, yeah, right.

Bob's mother Well, marriage is never easy, son.