Eddie DeezenQuotes

Sparkle: Bunny, that's enough.

Menlo Schwartzer: Enough? Why, I just started!

Sparkle: Please stop, before it's too late.

Menlo Schwartzer: Too late"? That's rich, it's already too late!

Chuck: What time is it?

Menlo Schwartzer: Oh, it's about a quarter to-...NEVER MIND THAT!

Sparkle: Oh, Bunny, I've never been so humiliated in all my life!

Menlo Schwartzer: Oh yeah? What about the time Daddy-O displayed the booger collection in your pencil case at the pep rally?

Menlo Schwartzer: [lifts up shirt to reveal a pair of breasts] I used to want to be like the other kids, you know! I wanted to be a surfer! I wanted to be hip and bitchy and gnarly, but that's over now, it all ended one miserable afternoon: I was having an innocent soda, and they spiked it! And you know with what? With a powerful reverse-sex hormone! Do you know what it's like to be the only guy at the beach with tits?!

Menlo Schwartzer: Good ol Buzzz Cola, gets them every time!

Hero Girl: It's still 5 to! I think we're gonna make it!

Know-It-All: Of course. It's been 5 to for the last hour. We got plenty of time. We got nothing but time. We got time to kill.

Hero Boy: You know what? I don't think we're gonna make it.

Conductor: I may be just an old railroader and know nothing about lighter-than-air craft, but from my layman's perspective, you need more altitude!

Elves in crowd: MORE ALTITUDE!!

Elf over speaker: Altitude, please. A bit more altitude, please.

Zeppelin elves: [jumping off] Geronimo!

Conductor: The flying elves. They are specialists. Do not try this at home, kids. Do not try that at home.

Billy: Aah! Something's got me! It's got my leg!

Hero Girl: I can't hold him!

Hero Boy: Give me your other hand. Give me your other hand!

Billy: I can't!

Hero Boy: [they yank Billy up, but he is still stuck; sees a hand grabbing Billy's foot] On 3! 1, 2, 3! Look!

Billy: It's still got me!

Hero Boy: [they yank Billy up again, and the person grabbing onto Billy is revealed to be the Know-It-All; shocked yet sternly] On 3 again! 1, 2, 3! You!

Know-It-All: [feigning shock] You?!

Hero Girl: What are you doing here?!

Know-It-All: Same as you, I'm checking out my Christmas presents. I wanna make sure I'm getting everything on my list. All I found was one present, and all it had was a bunch of stupid underwear!

Conductor: [organizing the children and lining them up] Alright. Alright, ladies and gentlemen. 2 columns, please. Shorter in the front, taller in the rear. Even-numbered birthdays on the right, odd-numbered on the left. No pushing. No pushing. But let's not dilly-dally, it's 5 minutes to midnight.

Know-It-All: Hey, what gives? It was 5 minutes until midnight 4 minutes ago.

Conductor: [counts the children] Exactly! Columns of 2! 1, 2.

Hero Girl: [raises her hand] Excuse me.

Conductor: Question.

Hero Girl: [points to Billy still alone in the observation car] What about him?

Conductor: [looks at Billy inside, thinking that Billy can choose to see Santa or not; to the children] No one is required to see Santa. Ladies and gentlemen, you do not have to hold hands...

Hero Girl: [to Hero Boy; They go to the observation car to convince Billy to come.] Come on.

Conductor: [to the children] ...but please remain in your columns while we are in transit.

Hero Girl: [to Billy] Look, you have to come with us.

Hero Boy: [agreeing] She-She's right.

Billy: [feeling depressed and left out and thinking Christmas is not important to him] Christmas just doesn't work out for me. It never has.

Hero Girl: But Christmas is such a wonderful and beautiful time. It's a time for giving and being thankful, for friends and family. People hang decorations and lights. And then Santa comes and leaves presents under our Christmas trees.

Billy: [still unconvinced] Christmas just... doesn't work out for me.

Hero Boy: [sighs] Look, I don't know if Christmas is gonna work out for you or not, but this is Christmas Eve. Don't stay here by yourself.

Hero Girl: Yes, come with us. We'll go together.

Hero Boy: [assuring; They get diverted onto another track downhill.; gasps; hurries to the front of the car] We're gonna be okay. MAYBE NOOOOOOOTT!! The emergency brake. The emergency brake! There's no brake. I CAN'T FIND THE BRAKE!!

Hobo: [materializes next to the manual brake] Take a break, kid! How bout a nice, good hot cup of Joe?

Conductor: [to Hero Girl; incredulous] You mean, you have lost your ticket?

Hero Boy: [shamefully; lowly; The conductor sighs. Hero Boy offers Hero Girl his ticket,] She didn't lose her ticket. I did. I was trying to return it to you, but the wind blew it out of my hand. You can have my ticket.

Conductor: [exclaims and snatches the ticket; gives Hero Boy back his ticket] These tickets... are not... transferable. Young lady, you will just have to come along with me.

Know-It-All: [the others gasp and murmur in horror at this very thought; Hero Boy looks through the window and sees the conductor escorting Hero Girl to the very back of the train] You know what's going to happen now, don't you? He’s gonna throw her off the train. Yeah, he's gonna probably throw her right off the rear platform. It’s standard procedure. That way, she won’t get sucked down under the wheels. They may slow the train down a little, but they're never gonna stop it.

Hero Boy: [realizes] Stop it"? That's it! I have to stop the train again!

Know-It-All: [worriedly] No, please, don’t do that again!

Hero Boy: [to Billy; Billy doesn't respond.; then sees the shadows of both the conductor and the girl heading towards the engine after Billy looks up to show him. He then rushes towards the ladder of the observation car to chase after the two. The space is narrow, and he struggles to climb up, but he reaches the top and calls out to Hero Girl.; slowly struggles to move forward because of the snow and the winds. He then finds a campfire ahead and the hobo behind it. He is humming "Good King Wenceslas"] Where'd they go? What happened to them?! Please, she's in big trouble! You have to help me! Hey! HEY! I found your ticket! Wait! Hey! Wait! I have your ticket!

Hobo: [humming; notices Hero Boy] When the snow lay round bout, deep and crisp... Is there something I can do for you?

Hero Boy: I'm looking for a girl.

Hobo: [bursts out laughing] A girl-? Aren't we all?!

Hero Boy: I have her ticket.

Hobo: [takes the ticket; gives the ticket back to Hero Boy; shows his slipper; [Experience; Hero Boy places Hero Girl's ticket inside his slipper.; laughs; pours coffee and gives it to Hero Boy, who looks at it and takes a sip, but then coughs and chokes] Well, lookie. Lookie here. Oh, this is a... this is an official, authentic, genuine ticket to ride. Oh, you'd better keep this in a safe place, young man. If I was you, I keep all my valuables right here. Right here in the old size 13. ] shows this is the safest place. Not that I have much use for those. Tickets. Nah. I ride for free. Oh, yeah, yeah. I hop aboard this rattler anytime I feels like it. I own this train. Oh, yeah. It's like I'm the king of this train. Yeah. The king of the Pol Ex. In fact, I am the king OF THE NORTH POLE! Oh, where's my manners? Sit, sit. Sit. Take a... Take a load off. Hey, would you like some Joe? Nice hot refreshment. Perfect for a cold winter's night. There, bless you.

Conductor: [angrily storms in] WHO IN THE BLAZES APPLIED THAT EMERGENCY BRAKE?!

Know-It-All: [points to Hero Boy] He did!

Conductor: [sternly; approaches Hero Boy; waves his hand out the window to signal the engineer to get moving; closes the window; points to a number of the kids, and then to his own face] You! In case you didn't know, that cord is for emergency purposes only! And in case you weren't aware, tonight is Christmas Eve! And in case you hadn't noticed, this train is on a very tight schedule. Now, young man, Christmas may not be important to some people, but it is very important to the rest of us!

Hero Boy: [appalled] But-But-But I...

Hero Girl: [points to the next car] He was just trying to stop the train so that kid could get on.

Conductor: [calms down; Hero Boy and Hero Girl nod; checks watch; urgently yet sternly; all the children sit down; the train starts again; grabs his microphone] Hmm. I see. Young man, is that what happened? Well... let me remind you, we are on a very tight schedule. A-And I've never been late before, and I'm certainly not going to be late tonight! Now, everybody, take your seats, please! Thank you. Your attention, please. Are there any Polar Express passengers in need of refreshment?

Kids: [raising their hands] Me! Me! Me!

Conductor: I thought so.

Know-It-All: Hey! Hey, you. Yeah, you! Do you know what kind of train this is?

Hero Boy: Huh?

Know-It-All: Train, do you know what kind of train this is? Well, do you?

Hero Boy: Uh...

Hero Girl: Of course! It's a magic train. We're going to the North Pole.

Know-It-All: Ah, I know it's a magic train. Actually, it's a Baldwin 2-8-4 S-3 class Berkshire type steam locomotive, built in 1931 at the Baldwin Locomotive Works. It weighs 456,100 pounds and has a tractive force of 83,450 pounds. Its top speed is--

Hero Boy: [overlapping] Are we really going to the North Pole?

Hero Girl: Mm-hmm.

Know-It-All: Hey, look, everybody!

Hero Girl: Isn't that wonderful?

Know-It-All: [the Polar Express went slowly past the Herpolsheimer's store outside] Herpolsheimer's! Herpolsheimer's! Wow, look at all those presents! I want ALL of em!

Hero Girl: It's so Christmassy, cozy and beautiful.