Eddie Deezen Quotes

The Polar Express

Midnight Departure Instructions for Passengers

Conductor Alright. Alright, ladies and gentlemen. 2 columns, please. Shorter in the front, taller in the rear. Even-numbered birthdays on the right, odd-numbered on the left. No pushing. No pushing. But let's not dilly-dally, it's 5 minutes to midnight.

[organizing the children and lining them up]

Know-It-All Hey, what gives? It was 5 minutes until midnight 4 minutes ago.

Conductor Exactly! Columns of 2! 1, 2.

[counts the children]

Hero Girl Excuse me.

[raises her hand]

Conductor Question.

Hero Girl What about him?

[points to Billy still alone in the observation car]

Conductor No one is required to see Santa. Ladies and gentlemen, you do not have to hold hands...

[looks at Billy inside, thinking that Billy can choose to see Santa or not; to the children]

Hero Girl Come on.

[to Hero Boy; They go to the observation car to convince Billy to come.]

Conductor ...but please remain in your columns while we are in transit.

[to the children]

Hero Girl Look, you have to come with us.

[to Billy]

Hero Boy She-She's right.

[agreeing]

Billy Christmas just doesn't work out for me. It never has.

[feeling depressed and left out and thinking Christmas is not important to him]

Hero Girl But Christmas is such a wonderful and beautiful time. It's a time for giving and being thankful, for friends and family. People hang decorations and lights. And then Santa comes and leaves presents under our Christmas trees.

Billy Christmas just... doesn't work out for me.

[still unconvinced]

Hero Boy Look, I don't know if Christmas is gonna work out for you or not, but this is Christmas Eve. Don't stay here by yourself.

[sighs]

Hero Girl Yes, come with us. We'll go together.

Hero Boy We're gonna be okay. MAYBE NOOOOOOOTT!! The emergency brake. The emergency brake! There's no brake. I CAN'T FIND THE BRAKE!!

[assuring; They get diverted onto another track downhill.; gasps; hurries to the front of the car]

Hobo Take a break, kid! How bout a nice, good hot cup of Joe?

[materializes next to the manual brake]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Polar Express

Emergency Brake Mishap on Christmas Eve

Conductor WHO IN THE BLAZES APPLIED THAT EMERGENCY BRAKE?!

[angrily storms in]

Know-It-All He did!

[points to Hero Boy]

Conductor You! In case you didn't know, that cord is for emergency purposes only! And in case you weren't aware, tonight is Christmas Eve! And in case you hadn't noticed, this train is on a very tight schedule. Now, young man, Christmas may not be important to some people, but it is very important to the rest of us!

[sternly; approaches Hero Boy; waves his hand out the window to signal the engineer to get moving; closes the window; points to a number of the kids, and then to his own face]

Hero Boy But-But-But I...

[appalled]

Hero Girl He was just trying to stop the train so that kid could get on.

[points to the next car]

Conductor Hmm. I see. Young man, is that what happened? Well... let me remind you, we are on a very tight schedule. A-And I've never been late before, and I'm certainly not going to be late tonight! Now, everybody, take your seats, please! Thank you. Your attention, please. Are there any Polar Express passengers in need of refreshment?

[calms down; Hero Boy and Hero Girl nod; checks watch; urgently yet sternly; all the children sit down; the train starts again; grabs his microphone]

Kids Me! Me! Me!

[raising their hands]

Conductor I thought so.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Polar Express

Time and Altitude in Uncertain Moments

Hero Girl It's still 5 to! I think we're gonna make it!

Know-It-All Of course. It's been 5 to for the last hour. We got plenty of time. We got nothing but time. We got time to kill.

Hero Boy You know what? I don't think we're gonna make it.

Conductor I may be just an old railroader and know nothing about lighter-than-air craft, but from my layman's perspective, you need more altitude!

Elves in crowd MORE ALTITUDE!!

Elf over speaker Altitude, please. A bit more altitude, please.

Zeppelin elves Geronimo!

[jumping off]

Conductor The flying elves. They are specialists. Do not try this at home, kids. Do not try that at home.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Polar Express

Questioning the Train's Identity

Know-It-All Hey! Hey, you. Yeah, you! Do you know what kind of train this is?

Hero Boy Huh?

Know-It-All Train, do you know what kind of train this is? Well, do you?

Hero Boy Uh...

Hero Girl Of course! It's a magic train. We're going to the North Pole.

Know-It-All Ah, I know it's a magic train. Actually, it's a Baldwin 2-8-4 S-3 class Berkshire type steam locomotive, built in 1931 at the Baldwin Locomotive Works. It weighs 456,100 pounds and has a tractive force of 83,450 pounds. Its top speed is--

Hero Boy Are we really going to the North Pole?

[overlapping]

Hero Girl Mm-hmm.

Know-It-All Hey, look, everybody!

Hero Girl Isn't that wonderful?

Know-It-All Herpolsheimer's! Herpolsheimer's! Wow, look at all those presents! I want ALL of em!

[the Polar Express went slowly past the Herpolsheimer's store outside]

Hero Girl It's so Christmassy, cozy and beautiful.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Surf 2

Humiliation and Memories in Surf II

Sparkle Oh, Bunny, I've never been so humiliated in all my life!

Menlo Schwartzer Oh yeah? What about the time Daddy-O displayed the booger collection in your pencil case at the pep rally?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Surf 2

The Consequences of Unwanted Transformation

Menlo Schwartzer I used to want to be like the other kids, you know! I wanted to be a surfer! I wanted to be hip and bitchy and gnarly, but that's over now, it all ended one miserable afternoon: I was having an innocent soda, and they spiked it! And you know with what? With a powerful reverse-sex hormone! Do you know what it's like to be the only guy at the beach with tits?!

[lifts up shirt to reveal a pair of breasts]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Polar Express

Struggling to Escape Danger Together

Billy Aah! Something's got me! It's got my leg!

Hero Girl I can't hold him!

Hero Boy Give me your other hand. Give me your other hand!

Billy I can't!

Hero Boy On 3! 1, 2, 3! Look!

[they yank Billy up, but he is still stuck; sees a hand grabbing Billy's foot]

Billy It's still got me!

Hero Boy On 3 again! 1, 2, 3! You!

[they yank Billy up again, and the person grabbing onto Billy is revealed to be the Know-It-All; shocked yet sternly]

Know-It-All You?!

[feigning shock]

Hero Girl What are you doing here?!

Know-It-All Same as you, I'm checking out my Christmas presents. I wanna make sure I'm getting everything on my list. All I found was one present, and all it had was a bunch of stupid underwear!

Surf 2

Conflict Escalates Among Friends

Sparkle Bunny, that's enough.

Menlo Schwartzer Enough? Why, I just started!

Sparkle Please stop, before it's too late.

Menlo Schwartzer Too late"? That's rich, it's already too late!

Chuck What time is it?

Menlo Schwartzer Oh, it's about a quarter to-...NEVER MIND THAT!

Surf 2

Nostalgia for Buzzz Cola's appeal

Menlo Schwartzer Good ol Buzzz Cola, gets them every time!

The Polar Express

Ticket Transfer and Consequences on the Train

Conductor You mean, you have lost your ticket?

[to Hero Girl; incredulous]

Hero Boy She didn't lose her ticket. I did. I was trying to return it to you, but the wind blew it out of my hand. You can have my ticket.

[shamefully; lowly; The conductor sighs. Hero Boy offers Hero Girl his ticket,]

Conductor These tickets... are not... transferable. Young lady, you will just have to come along with me.

[exclaims and snatches the ticket; gives Hero Boy back his ticket]

Know-It-All You know what's going to happen now, don't you? He’s gonna throw her off the train. Yeah, he's gonna probably throw her right off the rear platform. It’s standard procedure. That way, she won’t get sucked down under the wheels. They may slow the train down a little, but they're never gonna stop it.

[the others gasp and murmur in horror at this very thought; Hero Boy looks through the window and sees the conductor escorting Hero Girl to the very back of the train]

Hero Boy Stop it"? That's it! I have to stop the train again!

[realizes]

Know-It-All No, please, don’t do that again!

[worriedly]

Hero Boy Where'd they go? What happened to them?! Please, she's in big trouble! You have to help me! Hey! HEY! I found your ticket! Wait! Hey! Wait! I have your ticket!

[to Billy; Billy doesn't respond.; then sees the shadows of both the conductor and the girl heading towards the engine after Billy looks up to show him. He then rushes towards the ladder of the observation car to chase after the two. The space is narrow, and he struggles to climb up, but he reaches the top and calls out to Hero Girl.; slowly struggles to move forward because of the snow and the winds. He then finds a campfire ahead and the hobo behind it. He is humming "Good King Wenceslas"]

Hobo When the snow lay round bout, deep and crisp... Is there something I can do for you?

[humming; notices Hero Boy]

Hero Boy I'm looking for a girl.

Hobo A girl-? Aren't we all?!

[bursts out laughing]

Hero Boy I have her ticket.

Hobo Well, lookie. Lookie here. Oh, this is a... this is an official, authentic, genuine ticket to ride. Oh, you'd better keep this in a safe place, young man. If I was you, I keep all my valuables right here. Right here in the old size 13. ] shows this is the safest place. Not that I have much use for those. Tickets. Nah. I ride for free. Oh, yeah, yeah. I hop aboard this rattler anytime I feels like it. I own this train. Oh, yeah. It's like I'm the king of this train. Yeah. The king of the Pol Ex. In fact, I am the king OF THE NORTH POLE! Oh, where's my manners? Sit, sit. Sit. Take a... Take a load off. Hey, would you like some Joe? Nice hot refreshment. Perfect for a cold winter's night. There, bless you.

[takes the ticket; gives the ticket back to Hero Boy; shows his slipper; [Experience; Hero Boy places Hero Girl's ticket inside his slipper.; laughs; pours coffee and gives it to Hero Boy, who looks at it and takes a sip, but then coughs and chokes]

Memorable Quotes from Eddie Deezen