Eddie GriffinQuotes

Undercover Brother: Damn it woman, will you just back off?

Announcer: [over PA speaker] Attention, angry black man in khakis.

Undercover Brother: You mess with the fro... you got to go.

Undercover Brother: There's times for falling apart, and there's times for gettin funky. This is one of those funky times!

Undercover Brother: It's time to say goodbye to Anton Jackson... and say "what it is" to Undercover Brother.

Undercover Brother: Caucasian overload! Caucasian overload!

Undercover Brother: Holy Motown!

Undercover Brother: Who the hell are you, woman?! You're the Grim Reaper, ain'tcha?! I don't wanna go to hell!

Undercover Brother: Your body's slammin'. Let's get to jammin'.

Undercover Brother: Ja mon, rasta!

Undercover Brother: Too funky for myself.

John Q. Archibald: You know, what I don't understand is why they never found it, the doctors. My son has had clean checkups every year since the day he was born. How could the doctors not pick it up?

Dr. Turner: He might not have been tested thoroughly enough.

John Q. Archibald: Why not?

Steve Maguire: [[w:Health maintenance organization|HMO] You got an ], right?

John Q. Archibald: Yeah.

Steve Maguire: [points to Dr. Turner] Well, there's your answer. I mean, HMO's pay their doctors not to test. It's their way of keeping costs down. Now, let's say Michael did need additional testing and insurance says they won't cover them. The doctor keeps his mouth shut, and come Christmas, The HMO sends the doctor a fat-ass bonus cheque.

John Q. Archibald: [to Dr. Turner] Is that true?

Dr. Turner: Possible. Not likely, but possible.

John Q. Archibald: You telling me that these doctors may have known what was wrong with my son and they could have treated him all along?

Dr. Turner: Who knows? I don't know.

Lester Matthews: Don't take this personal, Doc. But, y'all bunch a goddamn crooks.

Dr. Turner: You don't know what you're talking about.

Julie Byrd: What about that thing that you guys take?

Dr. Turner: The thing?

Julie Byrd: Yeah, that promise. What do they call it?

Steve Smith: [[w:Hippocratic Oath|Hippocratic Oath] It's called the ].

Lester Matthews: More like the hypocritical oath'. How's it go, Doc? "I solemnly swear to take care of the sick and damn-near-dying, unless they ain't got major medical." Something like that?

Dr. Turner: You've got it perfectly, that's it.

Steve Maguire: It's funny, but it's not that far from the truth, okay?! This shit happens all the time! Paramedics bring in some accident victim and when the big boys in Accounting find out they can't pay, they send them packing.

Julie Byrd: Hospitals can't turn people away!

Steve Smith: Isn't there laws against that?

Steve Maguire: [to Dr. Turner] Yeah, there's laws! But there's also ways around those laws. The only thing we have to do is stabilise them. And after that, we're off the hook and you know it.

Dr. Turner: That's not how it works.

Steve Maguire: That's exactly how it works! Maybe, not up there on the fifth floor. But in here, if you don't have any money, you get a Band-Aid, a foot in the ass and you're out the door!

Dr. Turner: [points at John] Shut up. Enough already! I've heard all the bitching and moaning I can stand for one day, alright? Look, if you want to regard me as some kind of blood-sucking vampire, then fine, great, I'll be the bad guy. But who's holding the fucking gun?

John Q. Archibald: Who was driving?

Mitch Quigley: Huh?

John Q. Archibald: The car. Who was driving?

Mitch Quigley: I was. What's that got to do with anything?

John Q. Archibald: Why's your girl all banged up and you're not?

Mitch Quigley: [shows light scratches on arm] What do you call this?

Mitch Quigley: What are you laughing at?

Lester Matthews: Somebody get this fool a band-aid. I don't want you to bleed to death.

Mitch Quigley: Screw you man. This shit hurts.

Julie Byrd: His airbag went off and mine didn't.

John Q. Archibald: What kind of car do you drive?

Mitch Quigley: Mercedes 500.

John Q. Archibald: You drive a Mercedes 500? Oh. What year?

Mitch Quigley: 1986. It's a classic.

John Q. Archibald: Mercedes didn't make passenger side air-bags til 1988.

Lester Matthews: [laughs] Busted!

Deion: [screaming] THAT'S ENOUGH!! THAT'S ENOUGH!! ENOUGH!! ENOUGH!! ENOUGH!! ENOUGH!! Stop the music!

Pope Sweet Jesus: Hold on...

Deion: [cuts Pope off] Shut up! You two, shut up! That's it. This is husband-and-wife time. Now, let's go. Let's go. Husband-and-wife stuff.

Preacher: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

Norbit: I object!

Preacher: [''frustrated''] Oh, for Christ sake!

Mr. Wong: [''pleased''] Norbit.

Pope Sweet Jesus and Lord Have Mercy: [''cheers''] Norbit!

Kate: [''surprised''] Norbit!

Choir: [''singing''] Norbit-t-t-t!

Norbit: This wedding's a sham and I'm here to stop it.

Kate: Norbit, what are you doing?

Norbit: I'm bein a man for the first time in my life. Kate... Kate, I love you.

Rasputia: [''Rasputia, Big Jack, and Earl stormed into the church''] What the hell did you just say?!

Norbit: You heard what I said, strumpet! I love Kate! That right! I love you, Kate! And the last two weeks I spent with you have meant more to me than my whole entire miserable life with you, Rasputia! It's over! Norbit Albert Rice is no longer your (mouth silently)!

Cindy: Hello?

ShaNeequa: I know. You're Cindy. Be right with you.

Cindy: Aunt ShaNeequa?

ShaNeequa: Bingo. But you can call me the Oracle. And don't worry about that vase.

Cindy: [''Bumps into a vase but it doesn't fall off''; ''Walks into a [[w:Doric order|doric column] What vase? Oh! Sorry. I didn't know. ] with a vase braining her] Oh! Aah!

ShaNeequa: [''Cindy sits and farts''] That vase. Please, sit.

Cindy: It was the chair.

ShaNeequa: [''Farting loudly''; ''Orpheus enters and turns on TV''] Mmm. Yes, the chair. I know why you've come. A great mystery lies ahead of you, but you must not shy away from the challenge. Only you can be the one... Orpheus?

Orpheus: What, baby?

ShaNeequa: Sweetie?

Orpheus: I'm watching the game.

ShaNeequa: [[w:Los Angeles|The Lakers; ''Orpheus raises both hands and drops [[w:Remote control|TV remote] Do you mind? ] will win by 12. ] on ground in expressed displeasure]

Cindy: So can you tell me about-

ShaNeequa: The tape?

Cindy: Yes. I watched it and-

ShaNeequa: The phone rang.

Cindy: Right. Then this voice said-

ShaNeequa: That you would die.

Cindy: Okay, that's getting-

ShaNeequa: Extremely annoying.

Cindy: Yeah.

Orpheus: Try being married to her. I catch shit about women I ain't slept with yet.

ShaNeequa: [''They start playing tape''] You made a copy of the tape. Let's see it.

Cindy: Yes. Okay. ShaNeequa, can you tell me if... The tape is connected to the crop circles and the aliens?

ShaNeequa: Yes. But it's up to you to discover how for yourself.

Cindy: Look, it's a...

ShaNeequa: Cigarette?

Cindy: [[w:lighthouse|lighthouse] I was going to say ].

Orpheus: Find that lighthouse. It's your destiny.

Cindy: [''Picks fly off TV woman's nose''; ''Fly flies away and flies back to its original spot''] Wait. What is that? Oh, my God.

ShaNeequa: [''ShaNeequa grabs a flyswatter and swats screen with TV woman reacting''; ''TV woman retaliates with flyswatter on ShaNeequa''] There we go! Ugh!

Orpheus: Now, baby!

ShaNeequa: I knew that was gonna happen!

Orpheus: Uh-oh. Come on.

Shaneequa: [''Grabs TV woman''] Oh, hell, no! Get your ass out of the TV! What's wrong with you? I'm gonna teach you! Get out of that TV!

Orpheus: [''Manhandles her away''] Baby, no! No! Let her go! Let her go! Let her go! We gonna get another lawsuit!

ShaNeequa: She spit on me! I'm gonna kill the bitch!

Orpheus: Ah! You won! You won! You won! You won! Upstairs!

ShaNeequa: Okay!

Orpheus: [''They do high-fives and low-fives''] Down low!

ShaNeequa: Okay! All right!

Orpheus: [''Lunges again''] Baby, no!

ShaNeequa: Kill her!

Orpheus: Is you crazy?! Baby!

ShaNeequa: [''Laughs while holding clump of hair''] What you gonna brush now? What you gonna brush now, huh?

Orpheus: Come on, baby!

ShaNeequa: [''TV woman falls down beaten''] You picked the wrong TV to come out of!