A Zed & Two Noughts - Unexpected News of Parenthood Emerges
Alba Bewick:
I am about to become a mother, and you are about to become a father... or fathers.
Oswald Deuce:
You what?
Oliver Deuce:
You are?
Alba Bewick:
I am.
Oswald Deuce:
Good lord.
Oliver Deuce:
You can?
Alba Bewick:
Of course! Is leglessness a form of contraception?
Oswald Deuce:
I'm not sure.
Alba Bewick:
You're not sure!
Oswald Deuce:
I'm delighted!
Alba Bewick: [suspiciously]
You are delighted! A pregnant cripple and you are delighted? Think of what it will do to my sense of balance!
Oswald Deuce:
It might help! Give you more stability.
Alba Bewick:
Then you recommend it? Recommendation's one thing. A womb on crutches is another.
Oliver Deuce:
So... who's the father?
Alba Bewick:
Well, well, well. Why don't you discuss it between yourselves?
Oliver Deuce:
Why, don't you know?
Alba Bewick:
Grand dieu! Does an animal behaviorist need to ask such questions? As far as I'm concerned, you both are.
Oswald Deuce:
But you...
Alba Bewick: [smiling]
NO BUTS! You're brothers, aren't you? What's a few spermatozoa among brothers!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Zed & Two Noughts - Decomposition Rates and Pregnancy Inquiry
Oswald Deuce:
How fast does a woman decompose?
Oliver Deuce:
Six months, maybe a year? Depends on the conditions.
Oswald Deuce:
Does being pregnant make any difference?
Oliver Deuce:
No.
Oswald Deuce:
And the baby?
Oliver Deuce:
How far gone was she?
Oswald Deuce:
Perhaps ten weeks.
Oliver Deuce:
Then you'd never know.
Oswald Deuce: [long pause; short pause]
I cannot stand the idea of her rotting away. What is the first thing that happens?
Oliver Deuce:
The first thing that happens is bacteria set to work in the intestine.
Oswald Deuce:
What sort of bacteria?
Oliver Deuce: [matter-of-factly]
Bicosis populi. There are supposed to be 130,000 bicoses in each lick of a human tongue; 250,000 in a french kiss. First exchanged at the very beginning of creation when Adam kissed Eve.
Oswald Deuce:
Suppose Eve kissed Adam.
Oliver Deuce:
Unlikely. She used her first 100,000 on the apple.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Zed & Two Noughts - On the Reliability of Pregnant Women
Oliver Deuce:
Pregnant women are notoriously unreliable. Especially when they're trying to procure an abortion.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.