Memorable Quotes from Eric Deacon
3 quotesDecomposition Rates and Pregnancy Inquiry
Oswald Deuce
How fast does a woman decompose?
Oliver Deuce
Six months, maybe a year? Depends on the conditions.
Oswald Deuce
Does being pregnant make any difference?
Oliver Deuce
No.
Oswald Deuce
And the baby?
Oliver Deuce
How far gone was she?
Oswald Deuce
Perhaps ten weeks.
Oliver Deuce
Then you'd never know.
Oswald Deuce
I cannot stand the idea of her rotting away. What is the first thing that happens?
[long pause; short pause]
Oliver Deuce
The first thing that happens is bacteria set to work in the intestine.
Oswald Deuce
What sort of bacteria?
Oliver Deuce
Bicosis populi. There are supposed to be 130,000 bicoses in each lick of a human tongue; 250,000 in a french kiss. First exchanged at the very beginning of creation when Adam kissed Eve.
[matter-of-factly]
Oswald Deuce
Suppose Eve kissed Adam.
Oliver Deuce
Unlikely. She used her first 100,000 on the apple.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
On the Reliability of Pregnant Women
Oliver Deuce
Pregnant women are notoriously unreliable. Especially when they're trying to procure an abortion.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected News of Parenthood Emerges
Alba Bewick
I am about to become a mother, and you are about to become a father... or fathers.
Oswald Deuce
You what?
Oliver Deuce
You are?
Alba Bewick
I am.
Oswald Deuce
Good lord.
Oliver Deuce
You can?
Alba Bewick
Of course! Is leglessness a form of contraception?
Oswald Deuce
I'm not sure.
Alba Bewick
You're not sure!
Oswald Deuce
I'm delighted!
Alba Bewick
You are delighted! A pregnant cripple and you are delighted? Think of what it will do to my sense of balance!
[suspiciously]
Oswald Deuce
It might help! Give you more stability.
Alba Bewick
Then you recommend it? Recommendation's one thing. A womb on crutches is another.
Oliver Deuce
So... who's the father?
Alba Bewick
Well, well, well. Why don't you discuss it between yourselves?
Oliver Deuce
Why, don't you know?
Alba Bewick
Grand dieu! Does an animal behaviorist need to ask such questions? As far as I'm concerned, you both are.
Oswald Deuce
But you...
Alba Bewick
NO BUTS! You're brothers, aren't you? What's a few spermatozoa among brothers!
[smiling]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.