Eric IdleQuotes

Charlie McManus: Great. Now if Case doesn't kill us the Triads will

Brian Hope: You know what we ought to do? Steal the money for ourselves

Charlie McManus: Oh brilliant. Then we'll have Case trying to gun us down and The Triads trying to chop us up.

Charlie McManus: I think God's gonna get us out of this alive

Brian Hope: Well I hope you won't be relying on him totally. Cause we've still gotta break into that bleeding cupboard

Charlie McManus: Lots of reasons

Brian Hope: Name three

Charlie McManus: Case,The Triads, The Police

Brian Hope: What did he die of?

Casey: He wanted to work for somebody else

Charlie McManus: Oh natural causes

Casey: I want you take him for some special weight training

Charlie McManus: Why?

Brian hope: Because we need to look just like them if we want to pass un-noticed

Charlie McManus: Don't come back here. Case may send Abbot and Morley to find you love Brian." "Don't come back here" is a bit like saying "Do not read this note

Brian Hope: Well you write it then

Charlie McManus: You've got the Father, the Son and the holy ghost. But the three are one - like a shamrock, my old priest used to say. "Three leaves, but one leaf." Now, the father sent down the son, who was love, and then when he went away, he sent down the holy spirit, who came down in the form of a...

Brian Hope: You told me already - a ghost.

Charlie McManus: No, a dove.

Brian Hope: The dove was a ghost?

Charlie McManus: No, the ghost was a dove.

Brian Hope: Let me try and summarize this: God is his son. And son is his God. But his son moonlights as a holy ghost, a holy spirit, and a dove. And they all send each other, even though they're all one and the same thing.

Charlie McManus: Got it.

Brian Hope: What?

Charlie McManus: You really could be a nun!

Brian Hope: Explain the Trinity.

Charlie McManus: Hmmm... well, it's a bit of a bugger.

Brian Hope: I thought you were supposed to be eating fish on a Friday.

Charlie McManus: No, you're way out of date. Vatican II said we don't have to do that anymore.

Brian Hope: Who's "Vatican II"? The deputy pope?

Charlie McManus: Ignoramus. You can't have a deputy pope. The pope's infallible; you can't be deputy-infallible!

Brian Hope: You shot Loui, you asshole!

Brian Hope: Look, Charlie. Some con men sell life insurance. The church sells afterlife insurance. It's brilliant! Everyone thinks you might need it, and no one can prove you don't.

Charlie McManus: The church isn't selling anything, Brian.

Brian Hope: Oh! Well, if the church isn't selling, how did it get to be so rich? Just remember, wherever there's a deep human need, there's more money to be made.

Charlie McManus: You think so?

Brian Hope: Of course, look at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Charlie McManus: What does she do?

Brian Hope: She sleeps for 10 quid.

Charlie McManus: Only 10 quid? Why, I would give her at least 50!

Commander Clement: [about pile of dead bodies] What happened?

Betty: Plague!

Commander Clement: Plague?

Betty: All sudden like! Lucky I was out.

Commander Clement: That man's got a sword in him!

Betty: He fell on it.

Harvey "Blind" Pew: I may be blind, but I've got acute earing.

Commander Clement: I'm not interested in your jewelry, cloth-eyes.

Commander Clement: Twenty years ago today you were sentenced to jail.

Yellowbeard: Yes, and now I'm due to released.

Commander Clement: Yes. Or rather, no. You see, twenty years ago, no one was expected to live in jail for twenty years.

Casper: Hey, that's my treasure!

Dibs: Stay back! Keep away from me.

Kat: Casper!

Dibs: Don't come near me, you spiteful spook, or I'll knock you into the next world.

Kat: Come on. Let's go.

Carrigan: Ta-da! Hey, "poppin fresh," it's my turn in the oven! DIBS! Get this thing cooking, you blasted little worm, you!

Dibs: [grabs the vial] Ah, Carrigan! How kind of you to drop in. You know, if there's one thing I've learned from you, it's always kick em when they're down. And baby, you're six feet under! Oh, what a shame! Sorry, sweetheart. We're through.

Carrigan: [gasps] I am not gonna forget this, you ungrateful, lousy little worm, you!

Dibs: [chuckles] You can haunt me all you want, but it's gonna be in a great big expensive house with lovely purple wallpaper, and great big green carpets, and a little dog called Carrigan... a bitch, just like you! I got the power! I got the treasure!

Carrigan: And you have a flight to catch!

Dibs: Huh?

Carrigan: [turns to Kat and Casper, calmly] Any other takers?

Casper: No. But aren't you forgetting something?

Carrigan: What?

Casper: Your unfinished business.

Carrigan: My what?

Kat: You know, unfinished business. All ghosts have unfinished business. That's why they don't cross over.

Carrigan: [laughs maniacally until a flash of light pierces through her as a sign that she is crossing over; as more flashes of light appear; screams and disappears] Unfinished business? I have no unfinished business! I have my treasure, my mansion. I have everything. I'm just perfect! Wait! Wait! I lied! I have unfinished business! Lots of unfinished business! I'm not ready to cross over yet! WAIT! YOU TRICKED ME, YOU ROTTEN LITTLE BRATS!

Mr. Rugg: [reading Mr. Crittenden's will] To the Save the Dolphins Foundation: $11 million. To the Save The Pumas Foundation: $1.2 million. To the Padigonian Wasps Salvation Fund: $1.4 million. To The Dyslexic Dalmatians Foundation...

Carrigan Crittenden: To hell with the livestock. What did the old stiff leave me?

Dibs: [clears throat] Um, I believe that what the bereaved is trying to express is that the, um, sudden death of her only father has left a great gaping void in her bank-- in her life, and err, Carrigan wonders what he has left her to fill it up with.

Mr. Rugg: Hmm. Let's see. Bobcats, owls, snakes... daughter, Carrigan: Whipstaff Manor in Maine.

Carrigan Crittenden: ... And?

Mr. Rugg: And I'm late for lunch, so if you'll excuse me...

Carrigan Crittenden: Are you telling me that I spent the last two days holding his clammy hand, waiting for him to kick, and all I get in return is one lousy piece of property?!

Mr. Rugg: [gives her the will] No, it was lousy fifty years ago. Now it's condemned. Enjoy.

Carrigan Crittenden: Wait a minute. This is not fair! I'll protest! I'm gonna drag you and every one of those damn dolphins into court!

Mr. Rugg: Knock yourself out.

Carrigan Crittenden: Dibs! This is all your fault, as usual. If you would have just forged the damn will.

Dibs: Hey you know Carrigan, this is condemned seafront property.

Carrigan Crittenden: Oh, Dibs! Don't you get it? Flipper got more money than me.

Dibs: Carrigan, the deed's in there! Oh! Ouch! Ow. Ouch! Buccaneers and buried gold. Whipstaff doth a treasure hold.

Carrigan Crittenden: Treasure? Dibs, you idiot. Get it out!" I knew that place was worth something. There's treasure in that house. And finally, I'm gonna get what I deserve.

Dibs: Carrigan, I think I need a doctor.

Carrigan Crittenden: Oh, there's plenty in Maine.