Eric Idle Quotes

Nuns on the Run

Confrontation Over a Shooting Incident

Brian Hope You shot Loui, you asshole!

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Nuns on the Run

The Trinity Explained Through Humor

Charlie McManus You've got the Father, the Son and the holy ghost. But the three are one - like a shamrock, my old priest used to say. "Three leaves, but one leaf." Now, the father sent down the son, who was love, and then when he went away, he sent down the holy spirit, who came down in the form of a...

Brian Hope You told me already - a ghost.

Charlie McManus No, a dove.

Brian Hope The dove was a ghost?

Charlie McManus No, the ghost was a dove.

Brian Hope Let me try and summarize this: God is his son. And son is his God. But his son moonlights as a holy ghost, a holy spirit, and a dove. And they all send each other, even though they're all one and the same thing.

Charlie McManus Got it.

Brian Hope What?

Charlie McManus You really could be a nun!

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Nuns on the Run

A Warning Against Returning Home

Charlie McManus Don't come back here. Case may send Abbot and Morley to find you love Brian." "Don't come back here" is a bit like saying "Do not read this note

Brian Hope Well you write it then

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Nuns on the Run

Disguises for Unnoticed Passage

Charlie McManus Why?

Brian hope Because we need to look just like them if we want to pass un-noticed

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Nuns on the Run

Discussion of Death and Weight Training

Brian Hope What did he die of?

Casey He wanted to work for somebody else

Charlie McManus Oh natural causes

Casey I want you take him for some special weight training

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Nuns on the Run

The Complexity of Explaining the Trinity

Brian Hope Explain the Trinity.

Charlie McManus Hmmm... well, it's a bit of a bugger.

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Nuns on the Run

Reasons for Concern in Nuns on the Run

Charlie McManus Lots of reasons

Brian Hope Name three

Charlie McManus Case,The Triads, The Police

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Nuns on the Run

Desperate Plans Amid Dangerous Threats

Charlie McManus Great. Now if Case doesn't kill us the Triads will

Brian Hope You know what we ought to do? Steal the money for ourselves

Charlie McManus Oh brilliant. Then we'll have Case trying to gun us down and The Triads trying to chop us up.

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Yellowbeard

Unexpected Plague Strikes Without Warning

Commander Clement What happened?

[about pile of dead bodies]

Betty Plague!

Commander Clement Plague?

Betty All sudden like! Lucky I was out.

Commander Clement That man's got a sword in him!

Betty He fell on it.

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Yellowbeard

Blindness and Perception in Conversation

Harvey "Blind" Pew I may be blind, but I've got acute earing.

Commander Clement I'm not interested in your jewelry, cloth-eyes.

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Yellowbeard

Unexpected Consequences of a Long Sentence

Commander Clement Twenty years ago today you were sentenced to jail.

Yellowbeard Yes, and now I'm due to released.

Commander Clement Yes. Or rather, no. You see, twenty years ago, no one was expected to live in jail for twenty years.

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Casper

Inheritance and Unexpected Legacy

Mr. Rugg To the Save the Dolphins Foundation: $11 million. To the Save The Pumas Foundation: $1.2 million. To the Padigonian Wasps Salvation Fund: $1.4 million. To The Dyslexic Dalmatians Foundation...

[reading Mr. Crittenden's will]

Carrigan Crittenden To hell with the livestock. What did the old stiff leave me?

Dibs Um, I believe that what the bereaved is trying to express is that the, um, sudden death of her only father has left a great gaping void in her bank-- in her life, and err, Carrigan wonders what he has left her to fill it up with.

[clears throat]

Mr. Rugg Hmm. Let's see. Bobcats, owls, snakes... daughter, Carrigan: Whipstaff Manor in Maine.

Carrigan Crittenden ... And?

Mr. Rugg And I'm late for lunch, so if you'll excuse me...

Carrigan Crittenden Are you telling me that I spent the last two days holding his clammy hand, waiting for him to kick, and all I get in return is one lousy piece of property?!

Mr. Rugg No, it was lousy fifty years ago. Now it's condemned. Enjoy.

[gives her the will]

Carrigan Crittenden Wait a minute. This is not fair! I'll protest! I'm gonna drag you and every one of those damn dolphins into court!

Mr. Rugg Knock yourself out.

Carrigan Crittenden Dibs! This is all your fault, as usual. If you would have just forged the damn will.

Dibs Hey you know Carrigan, this is condemned seafront property.

Carrigan Crittenden Oh, Dibs! Don't you get it? Flipper got more money than me.

Dibs Carrigan, the deed's in there! Oh! Ouch! Ow. Ouch! Buccaneers and buried gold. Whipstaff doth a treasure hold.

Carrigan Crittenden Treasure? Dibs, you idiot. Get it out!" I knew that place was worth something. There's treasure in that house. And finally, I'm gonna get what I deserve.

Dibs Carrigan, I think I need a doctor.

Carrigan Crittenden Oh, there's plenty in Maine.

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Nuns on the Run

Value of a Night's Rest

Charlie McManus What does she do?

Brian Hope She sleeps for 10 quid.

Charlie McManus Only 10 quid? Why, I would give her at least 50!

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Nuns on the Run

Debating Church Rules and Modern Changes

Brian Hope I thought you were supposed to be eating fish on a Friday.

Charlie McManus No, you're way out of date. Vatican II said we don't have to do that anymore.

Brian Hope Who's "Vatican II"? The deputy pope?

Charlie McManus Ignoramus. You can't have a deputy pope. The pope's infallible; you can't be deputy-infallible!

Nuns on the Run

The Commercialization of Faith and Need

Brian Hope Look, Charlie. Some con men sell life insurance. The church sells afterlife insurance. It's brilliant! Everyone thinks you might need it, and no one can prove you don't.

Charlie McManus The church isn't selling anything, Brian.

Brian Hope Oh! Well, if the church isn't selling, how did it get to be so rich? Just remember, wherever there's a deep human need, there's more money to be made.

Charlie McManus You think so?

Brian Hope Of course, look at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Casper

Confrontation Over Treasure Among Ghostly Characters

Casper Hey, that's my treasure!

Dibs Stay back! Keep away from me.

Kat Casper!

Dibs Don't come near me, you spiteful spook, or I'll knock you into the next world.

Kat Come on. Let's go.

Carrigan Ta-da! Hey, "poppin fresh," it's my turn in the oven! DIBS! Get this thing cooking, you blasted little worm, you!

Dibs Ah, Carrigan! How kind of you to drop in. You know, if there's one thing I've learned from you, it's always kick em when they're down. And baby, you're six feet under! Oh, what a shame! Sorry, sweetheart. We're through.

[grabs the vial]

Carrigan I am not gonna forget this, you ungrateful, lousy little worm, you!

[gasps]

Dibs You can haunt me all you want, but it's gonna be in a great big expensive house with lovely purple wallpaper, and great big green carpets, and a little dog called Carrigan... a bitch, just like you! I got the power! I got the treasure!

[chuckles]

Carrigan And you have a flight to catch!

Dibs Huh?

Carrigan Any other takers?

[turns to Kat and Casper, calmly]

Casper No. But aren't you forgetting something?

Carrigan What?

Casper Your unfinished business.

Carrigan My what?

Kat You know, unfinished business. All ghosts have unfinished business. That's why they don't cross over.

Carrigan Unfinished business? I have no unfinished business! I have my treasure, my mansion. I have everything. I'm just perfect! Wait! Wait! I lied! I have unfinished business! Lots of unfinished business! I'm not ready to cross over yet! WAIT! YOU TRICKED ME, YOU ROTTEN LITTLE BRATS!

[laughs maniacally until a flash of light pierces through her as a sign that she is crossing over; as more flashes of light appear; screams and disappears]

Nuns on the Run

Faith and Practicality in a Crisis

Charlie McManus I think God's gonna get us out of this alive

Brian Hope Well I hope you won't be relying on him totally. Cause we've still gotta break into that bleeding cupboard

Memorable Quotes from Eric Idle