Soapdish - Dramatic Revelations in a Soap Opera
Montana Moorehead: [as Lori, Celeste, And Jeffrey kiss and make up]
WAIT! Wait! But I'm carrying his child!
Jeffrey Anderson:
I didn't sleep with her! Will somebody please believe me?!
Edmund Edwards: [offstage, delighted]
This is what I meant. This is what I told them to do. This is soap opera!
Jeffrey Anderson:
Doctor!
Ariel Maloney:
A second opinion... this is Dr. Frans Blau of the sex change clinic in Bethesda, Maryland.
Rose Schwartz: [German accent]
Thank you. Dr. Randall, after extensive investigation, I've come to the conclusion that it's virtually impossible for you to have impregnated your nurse, Montana Moorehead. Because before she came to our little clinic, she was... Milton Moorehead of Syosset, Long Island.
Rose Schwartz: [normal voice]
Hello.
Montana Moorehead: [shouts and runs off]
NO! NO! NO!
Edmund Edwards: [offstage]
She's a boy!
David Barnes: [starts gagging]
Yeah, well we knew that.
Edmund Edwards:
Are you okay?
David Barnes: [weak voice]
I'm fine. I'm just going to go congratulate the others.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Soapdish - Unexpected Lunch Encounter and Test Results
Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie]
Dr. Randall, what a surprise! Are you having lunch here?
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall]
I will if it's that sample. Huh... I wish it was that simple.
Edmund Edwards: [offstage]
This guy never heard of contact lenses?
Jeffrey Anderson:
The test results have come back.
Celeste Talbert:
And?
Jeffrey Anderson: [pause]
And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. It seems that Angelique has a rare case of brake fluid... Bran... fluid. Bran flavor.
Burton White:
What the hell?
David Barnes: [offstage]
Brain fever!
Edmund Edwards: [offstage, loudly]
Say it!
Celeste Talbert:
Brain fever!
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall; they both goggle at the word]
Yes. Brain fever. Or what we call in Austria... Kopfgeschlagen. At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the...
Celeste Talbert:
Literally explode?
Jeffrey Anderson:
Exactly, within the next three houses.
Celeste Talbert:
Hours?
Jeffrey Anderson:
Yes, will literally explode within next three hours. I would suggest leaving the restraint.
Celeste Talbert:
Restaurant?
Jeffrey Anderson:
Restaurant, yes.
Celeste Talbert:
Her brain will actually explode?
Jeffrey Anderson:
Yes, yes, I've, um, seen it happen. It's a dreadful, dreadful thug. Thing.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Soapdish - Supporting Family Through Difficult Times
Edmund Edwards: [about Lori]
She's been through hell, and we're her family. So in this crisis, we have to support her.
Rose Schwartz:
Yeah.
Edmund Edwards:
We have to love her.
Rose Schwartz:
Mmm.
Edmund Edwards:
We have to care about her.
Rose Schwartz:
Mmm.
Edmund Edwards:
And we have to milk it for every drop of publicity we can get.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Soapdish - Concerns About Show's Declining Ratings
Edmund Edwards:
I would like to voice my strong concern about this show's spiraling decline in ratings. David, ever since you took us to the Caribbean, it's been Jamaica homeless people sucking soup, and a big wave outside that cost a hundred thousand dollars. That's depressing and it's expensive, two words I hate. You know the words I like? I like the word "peppy" and the word "cheap". Peppy and cheap.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.