George Carlin Quotes

Rufus Hi. Welcome to the future: San Dimas, California - 2688. And I'm telling you, it's great here. The air is clean. The water is clean. Even the dirt is clean! Bowling averages are way up. Mini-golf scores are way down, and we have more excellent water slides than any other planet we communicate with. I'm telling you, this place is great, but it almost wasn't. You see, seven hundred years ago, the Two Great Ones ran into a few problems. So now I have to travel back in time to help them out. If I should fail to keep these two along the correct path, the basis of our society will be endangered. Ah, but don't worry: it'll all make sense. I'm a professional.

Narrator What you're looking at is downtown Pittsburgh, one million B.C. Those two big guys are fighting for a parking space. This is where our story begins. If they could have just learned to live together like decent human beings, they'd still be around and there never would have been an energy crisis. But they died out, and what was left of them turned into fossil fuel... Oil. See, it's not cute when eleven tons gets cranky. Their problem was they were all teeth and no brain... ...which brings us to this guy. ] was President of the United States when everybody started to notice we were running out of dead dinosaurs. No more gas to run our cars. Fights at the pump. People getting nozzle-whipped. So what was his solution? He made a speech.

Jimmy Carter The energy crisis has not yet overwhelmed us. But it will, if we do not act quickly.

Narrator We didn't. When America finally ran out of gas, an angry mob broke into the White House and lynched him. Along with three or four of his snottier cabinet members.

Narrator President Roosevelt was a successful graduate of EST, Scientology, TM and Primal Grope Therapy. And he was elected on a platform unique in American political history: "I'm not a schmuck!" Even though that was Chet's only campaign promise, it looked like it would be a tough one to keep.

Bill You know how to play, Rufus?

Rufus I play a little.

Bill Most outstanding, Rufus! Let's jam!

Ted Bill, my friend?

Bill Yes, Ted, my friend?

Ted This has been a most excellent adventure.

Both 1! 2! 1-2-3-4!

Rufus They do get better.

Rufus I'm telling you, man, this ceremony tomorrow is a mistake!

Cardinal Glick The Catholic Church does not make mistakes!

Rufus Please! What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?

Bethany And its platform of non-involvement during the ]?

Cardinal Glick ...All right, mistakes were made.

Rufus And most importantly; do not do your homework without your headphones on. Repeat-

Cardinal Glick Who sent you here?

Rufus We were sent by Him who is called ]!

Cardinal Glick Cute. Really cute.

Rufus Worked for ].

Narrator Everyone all across the country was watching the telethon. From what was left of New York, to the first all-gay state, North Dakota. All eyes were glued to their sets... ...which in some cases, ruined a lot of good shoes.

Cardinal Glick Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook em while they're young.

Rufus Kind of like the tobacco industry?

Cardinal Glick Christ, if only we had their numbers.

Rufus Greetings, my excellent friends.

Ted ...Do you know when the Mongols ruled China?

Rufus Well...Perhaps we can ask them.