Hans Conried Quotes

Dr. Terwilliker That's not bad. But not good! You're still not loud enough, still not fast enough! Rhythm still off, still misses the beats!

Bart Collins What?

Dr. Terwilliker Well, it takes time. It takes years! Sometimes it actually does take forever.

Bart Collins What?

Dr. Terwilliker Well, my little watch tells me that's all we can hope to do today. Tomorrow however, oh tomorrow, what a day! At 6 AM sharp, all the others will arrive!

Bart Collins What others?

Dr. Terwilliker Well, I say, you don't think I built this great piano just for you! Have you no concept that I am on the eve of my greatest triumph? Tomorrow, I will fulfill the dream of my lifetime! Tomorrow, the Terwilliker Institute - my Happy Finger Institute! Tomorrow we will celebrate the official grand opening! Tomorrow, down below me, I will have five hundred little boys - five thousand little fingers! And they'll be mine, all mine! Practicing 24 hours a day, 365 days a year!

Bart Collins I- I don't believe it! This is crazy!

Dr. Terwilliker And who are you to tell me what is crazy? Away! Go back your cell! And put on your official Terwilliker beanie!

Dr. Terwilliker Come on and dress me, dress me, dress me in my finest array,/because in case you haven't heard, today is Do-mi-do Day!/Dress me in my ] garters, dress me in my ] studs,/Because I'm going do-mi-do-ing in my do-mi-do duds!

Ben Ali I beg your pardon. I realize they haven't been invented yet, but have you got a match?

Bart Collins I don't think the piano is my instrument.

Dr. Terwilliker What other instruments are there, pray tell? Scratchy violins, screechy piccolos, nauseating trumpets, et cetera, et cetera?

Dr. Jess Rogers From the instant they're born, they're hungry.

Dr. Terwilliker I'm sure you'll find this a most fascinating dungeon. That lovely rumbling sound you hear is one of my favorite prisoners! He was a bass drummer in an orchestra I once conducted, had a very bad habit. You know that part in Beethoven's Fifth Symphony, where the drummer is supposed to go A-boom-boom-boom-boom? Well, this stupid lout always went A-boom-boom-boom-boom... A-boom! One extra boom, you know. He'll be here forever.

Mr. Zabladowski You mean he has to keep beating that drum forever?

Dr. Terwilliker Oh, that isn't the man I'm punishing! My man is inside the drum!

Dr. Terwilliker Bartholomew Collins! The years you spend with Dr. Terwilliker will be the happiest years of your life. But if you get homesick, don't try to escape. The barbed wire around the Terwilliker Institute... is ELECTRIFIED!

Dr. Terwilliker Mrs. Collins! Why are you standing there with that null and void expression on your face? No, don't tell me- I know the workings of your mind, Mrs. Collins! You've been thinking of your son again! How many times must I tell you to burn that picture? You've room in your life but for one picture, my picture Mrs. Collins! Your future husband! Have I not graciously condescended to take your hand in marriage tomorrow immediately following the official grand opening?

Sgt. Lunk Sergeant Lunk reporting to headquarters. Cell number one - the boy's not in it!

Dr. Terwilliker The boy's not in it? Well search for him, find him!

Sgt. Lunk Yes sir, Dr. Terwilliker, sir!

Dr. Terwilliker Your son! And you said he could be trusted! Tonight of all nights, Mrs. Collins, the very night before my institute opens, and your son dares to flaunt my authority! So, he doesn't like the neat, clean comfortable cell which I've given him, eh? Very well! From now on, he doesn't have to sleep there! From now on, Mrs. Collins, your boy sleeps in the DUNGEONS!

Dr. Jess Rogers I find that people are always jumping to conclusions about nuclear reaction. Science fact and science fiction are not the same thing, not the same thing at all.

Dr. Terwilliker Attention! Attention, everyone at the Terwilliker Institute. Down below me, my students are awaiting our date with ]. They will not fail, for I shall not fail.

Dr. Terwilliker This is my day! 5,000 little fingers, all playing together on my ]! Every finger obedient to the whim of me, the master! Every infinitesimal, microscopic piece of living tissue of those 5,000 little fingers, cringing and trembling and groveling before me! Before me, Dr. Terwilliker, as I raise my baton! We shall play... raise hands! We shall play the most beautiful piece ever written! I wrote it. Ten Happy Fingers! A one, and a two, and a three, and a play!

Ben Ali Imagine that. My name up in candles.

Dr. Jess Rogers We must remember that these creatures can travel over land, too.