Ian McNeice Quotes

Dismissal of Inspector Fix's Incompetence

Lord Kelvin Dang that nincompoop, Fix. What's the point in hiring a corrupt police officer if he can't even abuse the law properly?! Kitchener!

Colonel Kitchener Sire?

Lord Kelvin Tell Inspector Fix to pack his bags, he's going on a little trip.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls

A Unique Request for Animal Retrieval

Fulton Greenwall Let my introduce myself - my name is Fulton Greenwall, and I'm sent here to employ your services in the retrieval of a lost animal. Now, can you help us?

Ace Ventura Your request is not unlike your lower intestine: stinky, and loaded with danger!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Around the World in 80 Days

Bank of England Robbed, Tensions Rise

Colonel Kitchener Sir, I have an urgent announcement for you. Here.

Lord Kelvin Well, don't just stand there, man, read it.

Kitchener It is...with great...distress...that Scotland Yard announces...that the Bank of England...has been robbed.

[opens a sheet of paper and reads from it]

Lord Kelvin MY STOLEN JADE BUDDHA, STOLEN! YOU BLIGHTER! YOU GAVE ME EVERY ASSURANCE THAT THE BANK OF ENGLAND WAS IMPENETRABLE!

Kitchener Sir, sir, I said "impregnable"–

Lord Kelvin IT'S THE SAME THING, YOU IDIOT!

Kitchener PLEASE, NOT THE QUILLS!

Lord Kelvin LORD SALISBURY! Please contact General Fang and inform her: "No Buddha, no deal.

[starts attacking Kitchener with quills]

General Fang To forego your obligation would be dishonourable, Lord Kelvin.

[appearing in the door]

Lord Salisbury A woman? In the Royal Academy?

[surprised]

General Fang The Jade Buddha was successfully delivered by us to the Bank of England. What happens while it's in British hands-

Lord Kelvin Is absolutely YOUR CONCERN! Colonel Kitchener, Chief of Scotland Yard, please inform General Fang what other items were stolen from the Bank of England.

Kitchener Nothing else.

Lord Kelvin Exactly. Seems your little land dispute has spilled over onto our noble shore. Until the Jade Buddha's back in my possession, you and your cause will receive no British military assistance whatsoever. Kitchener?

[walks up to Fang]

General Fang My agents will retrieve the Jade Buddha once again, Lord Kelvin. This time, do not let it slip through your fingers.

[as she walks away]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls

Sacred Bat and the Wachati Tribe's Fate

Ace Ventura Quite an auspicious dwelling for a filthy flying weasel.

[inspects the Great White Bat's sacred hut upon entering; starts to climb up on the altar, but quickly jumps off as the Chief shouts and draws a blade on him]

Fulton Greenwall Please, Mr. Ventura! That is sacred ground! I'm sorry, but only the Wachati are allowed to step there.

Ace Ventura Hey... take it easy! I'm the loogie guy, remember?

[grins awkwardly]

Fulton Greenwall Er, yes, yes, Chief, thank you. Thank you. The Chief says that unless the Sacred Bat is returned before the marriage of the princess, the entire Wachati tribe will meet their death!

[to Ace]

Ace Ventura What type of bat are we talking about here?

Fulton Greenwall The great white bat, of course.

Ace Ventura Crepuscular chiroptera?!

[approaches him as intense music plays for a moment]

Fulton Greenwall Yes. But to the natives... Shikaka.

Ace Ventura Shikaka? Shikaka! Shikasha! Ahhh! Sssssshhhhhhhish-kebab. Sssssshhhh- "Shawshank Redemption". CHI-CA-GO! You're outta there! Go on, you're gone, go on.

[they kneel again; they kneel once more; Ace chuckles deviously; the chief begins to kneel but catches on that he didn't say the name right; Chief kneels; points outside; the Chief leaves the hut]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Around the World in 80 Days

Debate on Progress and Scientific Discovery

Phileas Fogg Gentlemen, today I have proven that man can break the 50 mph speed barrier without disrupting his internal organs.

Lord Kelvin Where is your Royal Academy of Science authorization?! Oh, what am I thinking? What a fool. That would mean that you are a real scientist!

Phileas Fogg By your definition, Kelvin, a real scientist's objective would be to prevent man from progress.

Lord Kelvin We live in a golden age, Fogg. Everything worth discovering has been discovered. Yet ridiculous dreamers like you insist on a past filled with "dinosaurs" and "evolution" and on a future filled with "motorized vehicles", "radio waves" and "flying machines".

Colonel Kitchener Confound it! The bloody Bank of England is a madhouse!

[marches into the room]

Scientist #1 Rumour has it that it was a foreigner, an Asian chap.

[whispers in Passepartout's ear]

Scientist #2 Yes, I heard it was a Chinese fellow and he acted alone.

Lord Rhodes Uh, no, actually, they say he was Norwegian.

Scientist #3 In fact, it was a gang of elderly Norwegians.

Scientist #4 Yes, I heard from a very reliable source that it was a gang of red-headed elderly Norwegians with very tiny feet.

Phileas Fogg Well, if you ask me, it's about time someone robbed that bank. Like this very institution, the Bank of England is outdated!

[everyone gasps in anger]

Lord Kelvin As usual, Fogg, your contempt for tradition is appalling.

Phileas Fogg You rest on your "traditions" if you prefer, but as with this bank robber, progress waits for no-one.

Lord Kelvin Oh. So now you're an expert on the bank thief as well? Give us the benefit of your "ineffable wisdom", Fogg.

Phileas Fogg Twenty-six minutes ago, a ship left Dover for Paris. From there, the thief takes the Orient Express, where he transfers to a steamer from Istanbul to India. In little over a month, that man could be in China.

[gets out his pocket watch]

Lord Salisbury If we're to believe Fogg's "calculations", he will have circled the globe and returned to England in a fortnight!

Phileas Fogg Actually, by my calculations, it would be closer to...exactly 80 days.

Lord Kelvin Outstanding idea. Well then, Fogg. Let's see you circumnavigate the world in 80 days.

[Passepartout smiles]

Phileas Fogg I...That would be a fruitless use of my time. I'm on the verge of...numerous, countless...scientific breakthroughs.

[turns to go]

Lord Kelvin You coward! Admit it, it cannot be done.

Phileas Fogg It CAN! I can do it.

[stops and wheels round]

Lord Kelvin A wager. £10,000!

Phileas Fogg Unlike you and your colleagues, money does not inspire me.

Lord Kelvin I believe every man has his price. Even you, oh noble Phileas Fogg. There must be something I could offer that would be worthy of your time.

Phileas Fogg There is. Your position as head of the Royal Academy. With the Queen's ear, I could lead Britain and the rest of the world into a new age of progress and discovery.

[chattering begins]

Lord Kelvin Fair enough.

Lord Salisbury What?

Lord Kelvin I, Lord Kelvin, hereby vow to surrender my position as Minister of Science, to Phileas Fogg...if he can circumnavigate the globe... in no more than 80 days. But if he cannot, he must never set foot in the academy again, he must tear down that abhorrent eyesore he calls a laboratory, and he must swear... never to invent again. Just as I always suspected, Fogg. You promise so much, yet you deliver...oh, nothing!

[Phileas is taken aback by this vow, not knowing what to say]

Phileas Fogg I'll take your wager.

[quietly]

Lord Kelvin What did you say?

Phileas Fogg I'LL TAKE YOUR WAGER!

Lord Kelvin Then it's done. A man who has never set foot out of England, circling the globe. This is going to be rather amusing!

Phileas Fogg History won't remember your amusements, Lord Kelvin. But it'll be hard-pressed to forget the moment I'm standing on the very top step of the Royal Academy of Science... ...by the strike of noon... ...after I, Phileas Fogg, have traveled around the world in 80 days!

[roller-skates up to Kelvin; Big Ben strikes noon; Passepartout smiles]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls

Unexpected Ingredients in a Delightful Dish

Ace Ventura Mmm, this fruit paste is delicious, and the pottery is lovely.

Ouda It's made from guano.

Ace Ventura Guano. Sounds so familiar.

[licking the remains of the fruit paste from the bottom of the bowl]

Fulton Greenwall Bat droppings.

Fulton Greenwall Guano is their chief resource, they use it to make many things in the village.

Ace Ventura ... Yummy!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls

Ace Ventura's Observational Skills on Display

Vincent Cadby Tell me, Mr. Ventura - just how good are you?

Ace Ventura You're an extreme workaholic. You recently returned from a short trip to Gotan in Northern Africa, and upon your return, you more than likely took a spill because of some... shoddy masonry work!

[inspects him for a moment; does a dramatic turn]

Vincent Cadby Very impressive. Might one ask how?

[dryly and evasively]

Ace Ventura Surely! The abrasion on the palm of your left hand is the type one sustains breaking a fall of three to five feet; the small remnants of plaster on the tip of your shoe pointed to a careless mason being the culprit; your new watch, a quality forgery of a Cartier, was most likely purchased through the North African black market known to reside in GOTAN!

[does an exaggerated inhalation of air, then speaks rapidly; gasps, having run out of breath]

Vincent Cadby And my work habits?

Ace Ventura Yes, a workaholic. The urine stain on your pants would signify that you're a "single shake" man - far too busy for the follow-up jiggle!

Fulton Greenwall Brilliant, Mr. Ventura! Simply brilliant!

Ace Ventura Spank you, Greenwall! Spank you very much.

Around the World in 80 Days

Fogg Unwittingly Aids a Criminal

Scientist #1 Sir, I've received a telegram from Inspector Fix.

[walks into the room with a piece of paper]

Lord Kelvin Aha!

Scientist #1 According to him, the bank thief and Fogg's valet are the same man.

Lord Kelvin That numbskull Fogg doesn't even realize he's transporting the bank thief!

Lord Salisbury Or does he? He did leave town in quite a hurry, wouldn't you say, Lord Rhodes?

Lord Rhodes Indeed, Lord Salisbury. Evading arrest, stealing a police vehicle...sounds rather incriminating to me.

Lord Salisbury One can almost deduce that this entire bet was just a ruse to facilitate his escape. Don't you agree, Lord Kelvin?

Lord Kelvin Yes. Brilliant, Lord Salisbury! I shall name a beef-related entree after you in your honour! Kitchener?

Colonel Kitchener Sire?

Lord Kelvin Inform your men at Scotland Yard that Phileas Fogg is WITHOUT A DOUBT THE MAN WHO ROBBED THE BANK OF ENGLAND!

Colonel Kitchener Yes, sir.

Lord Kelvin Where are they now?

Scientist #1 They're taking a train across India from Bombay to Calcutta.

Lord Rhodes Thank goodness we own India.

Lord Kelvin I want their faces posted in every police station, army barracks, post office, railway station and outhouse in India! WE'RE GOING TO STOP FOGG AND GET MY JADE BUDDHA BACK BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!

Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls

Spiritual Insights on Virginity and Marriage

Fulton Greenwall They will now consummate the marriage in the witness of the tribe. Well done, Ace. You must be extremely proud.

[gently pats Ace on the shoulder]

Ace Ventura ] is an abomination. One must forego the self to attain total spiritual creaminess, and avoid the chewy chunks of degradation. What's that he's saying?

[[Pride; The Wachootoo prince emerges from tent screaming angrily]

Fulton Greenwall I think he's saying she's not a virgin.

[looks pointedly at Ace]

Ace Ventura ... They can tell that?!

Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls

A Race Against Time and Distractions

Ace Ventura I'll meet you at the bottom. There's still one more thing I must do before I go...

Ace Ventura Isn't this incredible?! It's gonna be some kind of a record! Everyone loves a Slinky! You gotta get a Slinky! Slinky, Slinky! Go, Slinky, go! AAAAWWWWWWW, MAN! Can you believe it?! It was right there! Can I do it one more time?

[singing; Slinky stops on the penultimate step]

Fulton Greenwall Forgive me, Mr. Ventura, but if we don't hurry now, we might miss the plane.

Ace Ventura Of course. How selfish of me. Let's do all the things that you wanna do.

Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls

The Importance of Guano in Ace Ventura

Vincent Cadby Hello, Ace. You want your ]?

[[money]

Ace Ventura Wrong again, Sweeney Toad! I've come for the sacred bat. Where is it?!

Vincent Cadby Wait - whatever can you mean?

Ace Ventura Guano? Hello?! Does "poop" ring a bell? "Guano: mined as a source of nitrate, producing 84% of the world's supply of fertilizer, a 1.4 billion dollar industry." THAT'S what this war is all about! You can't legally take possession of the caves as long as the Wachatis inhabit the area, and you want that dookie so bad, you can taste it!

[takes out a book and reads from it; closes the book]

Fulton Greenwall But sir, I thought that--

Vincent Cadby Yes, thank you, Fulton. That's a fine theory, Mr. Ventura... What has it got to do with me?

[quietly; back to Ace]

Ace Ventura I thought you'd never ask! The day I met you, there was a white substance on your shoe that I mistook for plaster; yesterday I saw the same white substance outside the hut where the bat was kept, and suddenly it hit me: the great white bat has great white guano! That's what you stepped in, that's what was on your shoe, and that explains the abrasion on your palm! ...Let me run that back for ya! That's what you stepped in, that's what was on your shoe, AND THAT EXPLAINS THE ABRATION ON YOUR PALM! DAMN, I'M GOOD! Can you feel that?! Huh?! Can you feel it, Captain Compost?! THE DAY OF REDEMPTION IS AT HAND! REPENT... and thou shall be saved!

[does an exaggerated inhalation of air, then speaks rapidly; steps back while talking backwards; does pelvic thrusts]

Memorable Quotes from Ian McNeice