Ian McNeiceQuotes

Fulton Greenwall: [gently pats Ace on the shoulder] They will now consummate the marriage in the witness of the tribe. Well done, Ace. You must be extremely proud.

Ace Ventura: [[Pride; The Wachootoo prince emerges from tent screaming angrily] ] is an abomination. One must forego the self to attain total spiritual creaminess, and avoid the chewy chunks of degradation. What's that he's saying?

Fulton Greenwall: [looks pointedly at Ace] I think he's saying she's not a virgin.

Ace Ventura: ... They can tell that?!

Vincent Cadby: [[money] Hello, Ace. You want your ]?

Ace Ventura: Wrong again, Sweeney Toad! I've come for the sacred bat. Where is it?!

Vincent Cadby: Wait - whatever can you mean?

Ace Ventura: [takes out a book and reads from it; closes the book] Guano? Hello?! Does "poop" ring a bell? "Guano: mined as a source of nitrate, producing 84% of the world's supply of fertilizer, a 1.4 billion dollar industry." THAT'S what this war is all about! You can't legally take possession of the caves as long as the Wachatis inhabit the area, and you want that dookie so bad, you can taste it!

Fulton Greenwall: But sir, I thought that--

Vincent Cadby: [quietly; back to Ace] Yes, thank you, Fulton. That's a fine theory, Mr. Ventura... What has it got to do with me?

Ace Ventura: [does an exaggerated inhalation of air, then speaks rapidly; steps back while talking backwards; does pelvic thrusts] I thought you'd never ask! The day I met you, there was a white substance on your shoe that I mistook for plaster; yesterday I saw the same white substance outside the hut where the bat was kept, and suddenly it hit me: the great white bat has great white guano! That's what you stepped in, that's what was on your shoe, and that explains the abrasion on your palm! ...Let me run that back for ya! That's what you stepped in, that's what was on your shoe, AND THAT EXPLAINS THE ABRATION ON YOUR PALM! DAMN, I'M GOOD! Can you feel that?! Huh?! Can you feel it, Captain Compost?! THE DAY OF REDEMPTION IS AT HAND! REPENT... and thou shall be saved!

Ace Ventura: [inspects the Great White Bat's sacred hut upon entering; starts to climb up on the altar, but quickly jumps off as the Chief shouts and draws a blade on him] Quite an auspicious dwelling for a filthy flying weasel.

Fulton Greenwall: Please, Mr. Ventura! That is sacred ground! I'm sorry, but only the Wachati are allowed to step there.

Ace Ventura: [grins awkwardly] Hey... take it easy! I'm the loogie guy, remember?

Fulton Greenwall: [to Ace] Er, yes, yes, Chief, thank you. Thank you. The Chief says that unless the Sacred Bat is returned before the marriage of the princess, the entire Wachati tribe will meet their death!

Ace Ventura: What type of bat are we talking about here?

Fulton Greenwall: The great white bat, of course.

Ace Ventura: [approaches him as intense music plays for a moment] Crepuscular chiroptera?!

Fulton Greenwall: Yes. But to the natives... Shikaka.

Ace Ventura: [they kneel again; they kneel once more; Ace chuckles deviously; the chief begins to kneel but catches on that he didn't say the name right; Chief kneels; points outside; the Chief leaves the hut] Shikaka? Shikaka! Shikasha! Ahhh! Sssssshhhhhhhish-kebab. Sssssshhhh- "Shawshank Redemption". CHI-CA-GO! You're outta there! Go on, you're gone, go on.

Ace Ventura: Mmm, this fruit paste is delicious, and the pottery is lovely.

Ouda: It's made from guano.

Ace Ventura: [licking the remains of the fruit paste from the bottom of the bowl] Guano. Sounds so familiar.

Fulton Greenwall: Bat droppings.

Fulton Greenwall: Guano is their chief resource, they use it to make many things in the village.

Ace Ventura: ... Yummy!

Vincent Cadby: Tell me, Mr. Ventura - just how good are you?

Ace Ventura: [inspects him for a moment; does a dramatic turn] You're an extreme workaholic. You recently returned from a short trip to Gotan in Northern Africa, and upon your return, you more than likely took a spill because of some... shoddy masonry work!

Vincent Cadby: [dryly and evasively] Very impressive. Might one ask how?

Ace Ventura: [does an exaggerated inhalation of air, then speaks rapidly; gasps, having run out of breath] Surely! The abrasion on the palm of your left hand is the type one sustains breaking a fall of three to five feet; the small remnants of plaster on the tip of your shoe pointed to a careless mason being the culprit; your new watch, a quality forgery of a Cartier, was most likely purchased through the North African black market known to reside in GOTAN!

Vincent Cadby: And my work habits?

Ace Ventura: Yes, a workaholic. The urine stain on your pants would signify that you're a "single shake" man - far too busy for the follow-up jiggle!

Fulton Greenwall: Brilliant, Mr. Ventura! Simply brilliant!

Ace Ventura: Spank you, Greenwall! Spank you very much.

Ace Ventura: I'll meet you at the bottom. There's still one more thing I must do before I go...

Ace Ventura: [singing; Slinky stops on the penultimate step] Isn't this incredible?! It's gonna be some kind of a record! Everyone loves a Slinky! You gotta get a Slinky! Slinky, Slinky! Go, Slinky, go! AAAAWWWWWWW, MAN! Can you believe it?! It was right there! Can I do it one more time?

Fulton Greenwall: Forgive me, Mr. Ventura, but if we don't hurry now, we might miss the plane.

Ace Ventura: Of course. How selfish of me. Let's do all the things that you wanna do.

Fulton Greenwall: Let my introduce myself - my name is Fulton Greenwall, and I'm sent here to employ your services in the retrieval of a lost animal. Now, can you help us?

Ace Ventura: Your request is not unlike your lower intestine: stinky, and loaded with danger!

Scientist #1: [walks into the room with a piece of paper] Sir, I've received a telegram from Inspector Fix.

Lord Kelvin: Aha!

Scientist #1: According to him, the bank thief and Fogg's valet are the same man.

Lord Kelvin: That numbskull Fogg doesn't even realize he's transporting the bank thief!

Lord Salisbury: Or does he? He did leave town in quite a hurry, wouldn't you say, Lord Rhodes?

Lord Rhodes: Indeed, Lord Salisbury. Evading arrest, stealing a police vehicle...sounds rather incriminating to me.

Lord Salisbury: One can almost deduce that this entire bet was just a ruse to facilitate his escape. Don't you agree, Lord Kelvin?

Lord Kelvin: Yes. Brilliant, Lord Salisbury! I shall name a beef-related entree after you in your honour! Kitchener?

Colonel Kitchener: Sire?

Lord Kelvin: Inform your men at Scotland Yard that Phileas Fogg is WITHOUT A DOUBT THE MAN WHO ROBBED THE BANK OF ENGLAND!

Colonel Kitchener: Yes, sir.

Lord Kelvin: Where are they now?

Scientist #1: They're taking a train across India from Bombay to Calcutta.

Lord Rhodes: Thank goodness we own India.

Lord Kelvin: I want their faces posted in every police station, army barracks, post office, railway station and outhouse in India! WE'RE GOING TO STOP FOGG AND GET MY JADE BUDDHA BACK BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!

Lord Kelvin: Dang that nincompoop, Fix. What's the point in hiring a corrupt police officer if he can't even abuse the law properly?! Kitchener!

Colonel Kitchener: Sire?

Lord Kelvin: Tell Inspector Fix to pack his bags, he's going on a little trip.

Phileas Fogg: Gentlemen, today I have proven that man can break the 50 mph speed barrier without disrupting his internal organs.

Lord Kelvin: Where is your Royal Academy of Science authorization?! Oh, what am I thinking? What a fool. That would mean that you are a real scientist!

Phileas Fogg: By your definition, Kelvin, a real scientist's objective would be to prevent man from progress.

Lord Kelvin: We live in a golden age, Fogg. Everything worth discovering has been discovered. Yet ridiculous dreamers like you insist on a past filled with "dinosaurs" and "evolution" and on a future filled with "motorized vehicles", "radio waves" and "flying machines".

Colonel Kitchener: [marches into the room] Confound it! The bloody Bank of England is a madhouse!

Scientist #1: [whispers in Passepartout's ear] Rumour has it that it was a foreigner, an Asian chap.

Scientist #2: Yes, I heard it was a Chinese fellow and he acted alone.

Lord Rhodes: Uh, no, actually, they say he was Norwegian.

Scientist #3: In fact, it was a gang of elderly Norwegians.

Scientist #4: Yes, I heard from a very reliable source that it was a gang of red-headed elderly Norwegians with very tiny feet.

Phileas Fogg: [everyone gasps in anger] Well, if you ask me, it's about time someone robbed that bank. Like this very institution, the Bank of England is outdated!

Lord Kelvin: As usual, Fogg, your contempt for tradition is appalling.

Phileas Fogg: You rest on your "traditions" if you prefer, but as with this bank robber, progress waits for no-one.

Lord Kelvin: Oh. So now you're an expert on the bank thief as well? Give us the benefit of your "ineffable wisdom", Fogg.

Phileas Fogg: [gets out his pocket watch] Twenty-six minutes ago, a ship left Dover for Paris. From there, the thief takes the Orient Express, where he transfers to a steamer from Istanbul to India. In little over a month, that man could be in China.

Lord Salisbury: If we're to believe Fogg's "calculations", he will have circled the globe and returned to England in a fortnight!

Phileas Fogg: Actually, by my calculations, it would be closer to...exactly 80 days.

Lord Kelvin: [Passepartout smiles] Outstanding idea. Well then, Fogg. Let's see you circumnavigate the world in 80 days.

Phileas Fogg: [turns to go] I...That would be a fruitless use of my time. I'm on the verge of...numerous, countless...scientific breakthroughs.

Lord Kelvin: You coward! Admit it, it cannot be done.

Phileas Fogg: [stops and wheels round] It CAN! I can do it.

Lord Kelvin: A wager. £10,000!

Phileas Fogg: Unlike you and your colleagues, money does not inspire me.

Lord Kelvin: I believe every man has his price. Even you, oh noble Phileas Fogg. There must be something I could offer that would be worthy of your time.

Phileas Fogg: [chattering begins] There is. Your position as head of the Royal Academy. With the Queen's ear, I could lead Britain and the rest of the world into a new age of progress and discovery.

Lord Kelvin: Fair enough.

Lord Salisbury: What?

Lord Kelvin: [Phileas is taken aback by this vow, not knowing what to say] I, Lord Kelvin, hereby vow to surrender my position as Minister of Science, to Phileas Fogg...if he can circumnavigate the globe... in no more than 80 days. But if he cannot, he must never set foot in the academy again, he must tear down that abhorrent eyesore he calls a laboratory, and he must swear... never to invent again. Just as I always suspected, Fogg. You promise so much, yet you deliver...oh, nothing!

Phileas Fogg: [quietly] I'll take your wager.

Lord Kelvin: What did you say?

Phileas Fogg: I'LL TAKE YOUR WAGER!

Lord Kelvin: Then it's done. A man who has never set foot out of England, circling the globe. This is going to be rather amusing!

Phileas Fogg: [roller-skates up to Kelvin; Big Ben strikes noon; Passepartout smiles] History won't remember your amusements, Lord Kelvin. But it'll be hard-pressed to forget the moment I'm standing on the very top step of the Royal Academy of Science... ...by the strike of noon... ...after I, Phileas Fogg, have traveled around the world in 80 days!

Colonel Kitchener: Sir, I have an urgent announcement for you. Here.

Lord Kelvin: Well, don't just stand there, man, read it.

Kitchener: [opens a sheet of paper and reads from it] It is...with great...distress...that Scotland Yard announces...that the Bank of England...has been robbed.

Lord Kelvin: MY STOLEN JADE BUDDHA, STOLEN! YOU BLIGHTER! YOU GAVE ME EVERY ASSURANCE THAT THE BANK OF ENGLAND WAS IMPENETRABLE!

Kitchener: Sir, sir, I said "impregnable"–

Lord Kelvin: IT'S THE SAME THING, YOU IDIOT!

Kitchener: PLEASE, NOT THE QUILLS!

Lord Kelvin: [starts attacking Kitchener with quills] LORD SALISBURY! Please contact General Fang and inform her: "No Buddha, no deal.

General Fang: [appearing in the door] To forego your obligation would be dishonourable, Lord Kelvin.

Lord Salisbury: [surprised] A woman? In the Royal Academy?

General Fang: The Jade Buddha was successfully delivered by us to the Bank of England. What happens while it's in British hands-

Lord Kelvin: Is absolutely YOUR CONCERN! Colonel Kitchener, Chief of Scotland Yard, please inform General Fang what other items were stolen from the Bank of England.

Kitchener: Nothing else.

Lord Kelvin: [walks up to Fang] Exactly. Seems your little land dispute has spilled over onto our noble shore. Until the Jade Buddha's back in my possession, you and your cause will receive no British military assistance whatsoever. Kitchener?

General Fang: [as she walks away] My agents will retrieve the Jade Buddha once again, Lord Kelvin. This time, do not let it slip through your fingers.