22 Jump Street - New Assignment Announcement by Captain Dickson
Captain Dickson:
New assignment...
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22 Jump Street - Exchange Students in Russia Adventure
Captain Dickson:
This time, foreign exchange students!
Schmidt:
Awesome!
Jenko:
Yes!
Captain Dickson:
In Russia!
Jenko:
What?
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22 Jump Street - Misunderstandings and Tensions in the Team
Jenko:
I'm really, really glad you're back, Schmidt.
Schmidt:
What are you talking about? What contract dispute? I have been here the whole time.
Captain Dickson:
Hey, shut the fuck up! How about a flight academy?
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22 Jump Street - Bizarre Conversations Among Friends and Authority
Schmidt:
I just wanna say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State...
Captain Dickson:
I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut your motherfuckin nuts off.
Jenko: [to Schmidt]
What if, Captain gets to punch you in the face, one time? Really, really, REALLY hard?
Captain Dickson:
Nah, I've got something WAY better than that.
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22 Jump Street - Tension Between Officers Escalates in Scene
Captain Dickson:
Jenko, what are you doing, man?
Jenko:
Fuck you, Schmidt!
Captain Dickson:
Stop dicking around!
Jenko:
Hey, captain!
Captain Dickson:
Congratulations, you two. You managed to unfuck a situation you originally already fucked up!
Schmidt:
Thanks!
Captain Dickson: [talking to Schmidt]
I wish I could have you unfuck my daughter, but I'ma let that be the past.
Captain Dickson: [talking to Schmidt and Jenko]
Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches going to medical school!
Jenko:
What?
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22 Jump Street - Unexpected Introductions in a Family Setting
Captain Dickson: [sees Schmidt dating his daughter Maya]
How do you know this person?
Maya:
Dad, this is Doug, he's a guy I'm dating.
Captain Dickson:
What the fuck?
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22 Jump Street - Addressing the Unspoken Issues
Captain Dickson:
Gentlemen, you're not gonna sit here.
Captain Dickson:
& pretend there's not a big-ass elephant in the room.
Jenko: [confused]
What the fuck is going on?
Captain Dickson: [turns picture frame on desk around, revealing a photo of Maya]
*This* is what the fuck is going on!
Jenko: [looks at the picture confused, looks at Schmidt, then back at the picture as he realizes]
OH SHIT! Oh, shit!
Jenko:
Oh, shit! No! That is not happening right now!
Jenko:
No!
Jenko:
Hey, y'all. He's fucking the captain's daughter! Yo! Oh my FUCK!
Captain Dickson: [as Jenko is laughing outside office, to Schmidt]
Every time, he says that shit? That's another foot in your ass!
Jenko: [outside office]
Schmidt! You clearly... yo, this is the best thing ever!
Jenko:
Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!
Jenko:
Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter! Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!
Jenko: [re-enters office]
Shit! Fuck!
Jenko:
You fucked the captain's daughter? Captain? What the fuck, you bragged to him to his face! To his actual face, the captain, do you understand that *this face?*
Jenko:
right here! You bragged to that face!
Jenko: [to Captain Dickson]
You actually high-fived Schmidt for fucking your daughter? Holy shit! Oh my God, this is...
Jenko: [composing himself]
It's really not that funny.
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22 Jump Street - Cultural Misunderstanding in Religious Context
Captain Dickson:
Fuck a 21 Jump Street & *FUCK* a Korean Jesus!
Jenko: [pointing across the room to the statue of Jesus]
Captain, Korean Jesus is right there!
Captain Dickson:
That's Vietnamese Jesus now. See, this is a Vietnamese church, you racist sacrilegious sack of shit!
Captain Dickson:
Yeah, Vietnamese Jesus is just droppin swag-goo!
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22 Jump Street - Jump Street's Bold Approach to Law Enforcement
Captain Dickson:
We Jump Street, and we bout to jump in yo ass.
Jenko:
Mmmm-hmmm.
Schmidt:
Right in the crack.
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22 Jump Street - An Unconventional Meeting at a Party
Mrs. Dickson:
So, how did you and Doug meet?
Maya:
We met at a party and then he stalked me to my dorm room.
Captain Dickson:
Stalked you? And then what happened?
Maya:
Then, we hung out and watched a movie.
Maya: [pause for a second]
Actually, we watched it a couple times.
Captain Dickson:
This is bullshit! Waiter, can a black man get some water?
Schmidt:
Someone get the fucking man some water. He's black, he's been through a lot!
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21 Jump Street - Questioning Intelligence in a Challenging Situation
Captain Dickson:
Who made this? Are you autistic?
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21 Jump Street - Youthful Appearance and Underlying Realities
Captain Dickson: [[Justin Bieber; [Miley Cyrus]
You are here simply because you look young. You some ], ]-lookin motherfuckers.
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21 Jump Street - Infiltration Strategy and Brotherhood Discussion
Captain Dickson:
The mission is this: infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
Jenko:
We get to be brothers?
Captain Dickson: [slams desk]
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier!
Jenko:
But if you find the supplier first, we don't have to worry about the dealers.
Captain Dickson:
Goddamn.
Captain Dickson:
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier!
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21 Jump Street - Unexpected College Assignment for the Duo
Captain Dickson:
New assignment. Since you two boys love to drink booze, smoke weed with kids, and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans with low self-esteem, I'm gonna send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.
Jenko:
Oh, I love Disneyland!
Captain Dickson:
You two sons of bitches are going to college!
Schmidt:
Yes!
Jenko:
No!
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21 Jump Street - Professionalism and Boundaries in Law Enforcement
Captain Dickson: [going over the rule of not having sexual relations with teachers or students; to Jenko]
That's you, man. Don't do it. Keep that dirty dick inside your pants. Don't fuck no students, don't fuck no teachers...
Schmidt:
Sir, I know we may look like a couple of lady-killers, but me and my partner will be super professional...
Captain Dickson:
Clearly I wasn't talking to you, big-titties. You cherub-looking motherfucker. I was talking to your partner, fake-ass Handsome McGee here. When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him. When I say, "shut the fuck up," I'm talking to you.
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21 Jump Street - Korean Jesus and His Busy Schedule
Captain Dickson:
Hey, hey! Stop fuckin with Korean Jesus. He ain't got time for yo problems, he's busy wit Korean shit!
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21 Jump Street - Discussion of Racial Perspectives in Society
Captain Dickson:
He's white, that means people actually give shit.
Schmidt:
Um, I would just like to say that I would give a shit if he were black.
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Are We Done Yet? - Pregnancy Announcement in a Busy Moment
Nick Persons:
Pregnant lady coming through!
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Are We Done Yet? - Problem-Solving Attitude in Home Improvement
Nick Persons: [repeated line]
I can fix that.
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Three Kings - Casual Banter Among Characters
Troy Barlow:
Conrad, you've washed your hands like ten times.
Conrad Vig:
Lord knows what kind of vermin live in the butt of a Dune Coon.
Chief Elgin:
Why do you let this cracker hang around with you, man?
Barlow:
He's all right, man. He's from a group home in Dallas. He's got no high school.
Vig:
Don't tell people that.
Elgin:
I don't care if he's from Johannesburg. I don't want to hear Dune Coon or Sand Nigger from him or anybody else.
Vig:
Captain uses those terms.
Barlow:
That's not the point, Conrad. The point is that Towel Head and Camel Jockey are perfectly good substitutes.
Elgin:
Exactly!
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Three Kings - Betting on a Nonexistent Convertible
Troy Barlow:
I'm gonna buy a set of Lexus convertibles in every color.
Chief Elgin:
I told you, Lexus don't make a convertible.
Barlow:
I'll bet you a Lexus they do.
Elgin:
Alright, but it won't be a convertible.
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Three Kings - Tent Confusion Among Soldiers
Archie Gates:
Good afternoon. Would this be the proctology tent?
Chief Elgin:
No, sir.
Gates:
Maybe it's the urology tent. Or the neurology tent. Or the nose and throat tent.
Troy Barlow:
Captain's at a staff meeting, sir.
Gates:
Captain of proctologists?
Conrad Vig:
What's a proctologist, sir?
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Boyz n the Hood - Conflict and Accusation Between Characters
Ferris:
Fuck you man! Fuck you!
Doughboy:
Turn your punk-ass over!
Ferris: [Rolls over; ''Doughboy shoots Ferris twice'']
I didn't do it man! I didn't pull the fuckin trigger! What the fuck you doin? Oh, man! Well, fuck you!
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Boyz n the Hood - Gendered Language in Conversations About Women
Shalika:
Why is it every time you talk about a female you gotta say bitch, ho, or hootchie?
Doughboy:
Cause that's what you are.
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Boyz n the Hood - Discussion of Popular Hangout Spots
Chris:
I tell y'all where y'all need to go, where they got more women than anywhere. Fine ones, too.
Monster:
Crenshaw, Sunday nights?
Chris:
Nope.
Doughboy:
Street racers on Florence?
Chris:
Nah, nigga. Y'all way off. I give y'all a hint: everybody's been there.
Monster:
Where?
Doughboy:
Where, nigga? Spit it out.
Chris:
The church.
Doughboy:
Aw, shit. Nigga, please. Ain't nobody going to church to catch no bitches. I should roll your ass up off this porch with that stupid shit.
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Boyz n the Hood - Tension Escalates Among Friends at the Club
Ferris:
Fuck you looking at, nigga?
Ricky:
I'm still trying to find out, Nigga!
Doughboy: [shows gun]
What? We got a problem here? We got a problem?
Knucklehead #2:
Put the gun away, nigga.
Female Club Member:
Can we have one night where there ain't no fightin'; nobody gets shot?
Doughboy:
Shut up, bitch!
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Boyz n the Hood - Conversations on Relationships and Risks
Doughboy:
Yeah, I heard you been gettin that dope-head pussy. See, me, I probably get more pussy than you get air with yo wannabe macdaddy ass.
Dooky:
You don't know what I be getting. I don't be fucking no dopeheads. I let them suck my dick. Shit, they got AIDS and shit.
Monster:
Stupid motherfucker, don't you know you can catch that shit from letting them suck on your dick?
Doughboy:
Thank you.
Dooky:
See. I ain't sick. I ain't all skinny and shit.
Chris:
Nigga, what you mean you ain't skinny. Motherfucker so skinny he can hula hoop through a Cheerio. Nigga, you ain't got to be skinny. You can die from that shit years from now.
Dooky:
Y'all just trying to scare me. For real, you can die from letting them suck on your dick?
Doughboy:
Mark.
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Boyz n the Hood - Miscommunication in a Tense Exchange
Doughboy:
Ho's gotta eat too.
Shalika:
Who you callin a ho', I ain't no ho'.
Doughboy:
Oops, I'm sorry, bitch.
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Boyz n the Hood - Friendship and Rivalry in Urban Life
Doughboy:
I heard you like Mr. GQ Smooth now. You working over at the Fox Hills Mall?
Tre Styles:
I get a discount on clothes, and shit. You like?
Doughboy:
Nigga, you look like you selling rocks!
Chris:
Yo, Tre you be slinging that shit?
Tre Styles:
No, I don't sell that shit!
Doughboy:
You couldn't anyway! Pops will kick yo ass! You know I'm out the pen. I'm gon keep my ass out this time.
Tre Styles:
That's what we're here to celebrate, right? Damn, brother how did you get so big?
Doughboy:
Pumping iron, and eating. Ain't nothing else to do in the motherfucking pen. Three hots, and a cot, know what I'm saying? I was also reading, and writing my girl.
Monster:
You read?
Doughboy:
Yeah nigga, I ain't no criminal! I can read, bitch!
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Boyz n the Hood - Indifference to Struggles in the Hood
Doughboy: [about TV news coverage]
Either they don't know, don't show, or don't care about what's going on in the hood. They had all this foreign shit. They didn't have shit on my brother, man.
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Friday - Tension Over Broken Curtains and Threats
Smokey: [rips curtain]
Break yourself, foo'!
Craig:
Look what you did to my curtain! You better watch whose window you be sneaking in before you get blasted on.
Smokey:
With what? You ain't got nothing, man!
Craig: [pulls out a gun and sticks it in Smokey's face]
With this.
Smokey:
Man, where'd you get that from?
Craig:
Your mama.
Smokey:
Fuck you.
Craig:
Fuck you.
Smokey:
Come on outside, man, and stop playing.
Craig:
(laughs) gotta get dressed.
Smokey:
Hurry up.
Craig:
Don't tell me to hurry up.
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Friday - Discussion on Protection and Responsibility
Mr. Jones:
What's that for?
Craig:
Protection.
Mr. Jones:
Protection? Protection from who?
Craig:
Me and Smoke... I've got to walk Smokey down to his house.
Mr. Jones:
Aw, man. Your mother and I never would've moved to this neighborhood if we'd known you need a gun to walk down the damn street.
Craig:
You know how it is round here.
Mr. Jones: [raises his fists]
Oh, no, son. That's not the way it is. You kids have been nothin but punks. Sissified. So quick to pick up a gun. Too scared to take an ass-whipping. This is what makes you a man. When I was growing up, this was all the protection we needed. You win some, you lose some. But you live. You live to fight another day. Now you think you're a man with that gun in your hand, don't you?
Craig:
I'm a man without it.
Mr. Jones:
Put the gun down.
Mr. Jones:
C'mon, put up your dukes.
Mr. Jones:
Now you're a man. Your uncle picked up a gun, too. He found out the hard way. 22 years old. You've got a choice. This is all you need, alright?
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Friday - Betrayal Among Friends in a Tough Situation
Red:
Man, why y'all didn't help me?!
Smokey:
Man, I'm high.
Red:
Man, that's fucked up! If that were y'all, I woulda helped y'all.
Craig:
What bout the time he tried to choke me in Smoke's backyard?
Smokey:
Yeah?
Red: [thinks about it for a second]
Oh, that was different.
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Friday - Unexpected Unemployment and Casual Greetings
Smokey:
Sup, man?
Craig:
Wassup.
Smokey:
Why ain't you at work?
Craig:
I got fired yesterday.
Smokey:
Fo real?! I thought you had the day off yesterday.
Craig:
I did. Went in there pick up my check. Came home. Supervisor called me about 4 o'clock. Talking about they got me on video tape stealing boxes.
Smokey:
The fuck you doin stealin boxes for? What, you trying to build a clubhouse? Man, I know you didn't go out like that.
Craig:
Hell, no, ain't got me on tape. But they said they did. Fired me on the spot. Talkin about pressin charges.
Smokey:
Goddamn! You've got to be a stupid motherfucker to get fired on your day off.
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Friday - A Brief Exchange Between Mr. Jones and Craig
Mr. Jones:
Craig.
Craig:
What?
Mr. Jones:
Come in here.
Craig:
Where you at?
Mr. Jones:
In the bathroom.
Craig:
Aw, man, I'll wait until you come out.
Mr. Jones:
Boy, bring your ass up in here. What you talkin bout, you wait til I come out? I smelled your shit for 22 years; now you can't smell mine for 5 minutes? Shut the door. (grunts; plopping sound) Now, your mama told me what happened to you yesterday.
Craig:
What?
Mr. Jones:
That was stupid. How the hell you gonna get fired on your day off?
Craig:
I don't know.
Mr. Jones: [grunts; another plopping sound; grunts; groans]
Well, you need a trade. Look at that there, over there on the c-c-- On the counter there.
Craig:
I ain't trying to be no dog-catcher!
Mr. Jones:
Why not?
Craig:
I don't even like dogs.
Mr. Jones:
That's the beauty of it. I grab a dog, and I choke him, and I kick the shit out of him! All day long, my foot up a dog's ass. Just bang-bang-bang up his ass! That's my pleasure.
Craig:
No thanks.
Mr. Jones:
Well, I'll tell you one thing. Round here, you go to work, you go to school. First of the month, the rent is due. If you ain't got nothin on the table, you ain't gotta worry about catchin a dog. You gotta worry about a dog catchin your ass!
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Friday - Different Terms for the Same Thing
Pastor Clever: [upon seeing Smokey rolling a joint]
Scuse me brother. What we call drugs at 74th street Baptist church, we call a sinny-sin-sin.
Smokey:
Well round here, between Normandine and the Western, we call this here a little twenty-twen-twen!
Craig:
Well..
Smokey:
Niggaaaa!
Pastor Clever:
Why don't you give me a bit for my cataracts?
Smokey:
You didn't put in on this, man.
Pastor Clever:
It's better to give than receive, my brother.
Craig Jones: [points across the street to Mrs. Parker]
Look, look, she's bendin over!
Pastor Clever:
Lord have mercy! The Lord is my shepherd, He know what I want! Excuse me, brothers. (running across the street) Mrs. Parker! Mrs. Parker!
Smokey: [he holds up a pack of marajuana]
Told you. The weed be lettin you know, where evil lurks.
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