Jeffrey Jones Quotes

Stay Tuned

Courtroom Confrontation Over a Soul's Fate

Executioner By order of the court...

[announcing the execution]

Crowley Looks like Spike's gonna make his quota after all. I'm sorry, Mrs. Knable.

Executioner I deliver the soul of the Marquis de Knable to its rightful owner!

Spike Finally, he's mine!

[back at HQ]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Crucible

Land Dispute Among Neighbors

Thomas Putnam I warned you once before, Proctor! That's my lumber! You're in my bounds!

John Proctor My land's always run up through the forest, and I haven't sold any, Putnam.

Thomas Putnam It is clear in my grandfather's will. My land...

Giles Corey Your grandfather damn near willed away my north pasture! But he knew I'd break his arm if he tried it. Go on!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Beetlejuice

Different Perspectives on a Haunted House

Charles Pumpkin, sweetheart... Go help your mother.

[kisses her and forces her out his study room]

Lydia Maybe you can relax in a haunted house, but I can't.

[leaves the room]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Ed Wood

The Shocking Story of Edward D. Wood, Junior

Criswell Can your heart stand the true facts of the shocking story... of Edward D. Wood, Junior?

[from opening monologue]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Sleepy Hollow

Mysterious Murders and Missing Heads

Crane So... three persons murdered. First, Peter Van Garrett and his son, Dirk Van Garrett. Both of them strong, capable men, found together... decapitated. One week later, the widow Winship. Also decapitated. Now, I will need to ask you many questions. But first, let me ask: Is anyone suspected?

Van Tassell How much have your superiors explained to you, constable?

Crane Only that the three were slain in open ground. Their heads found severed from their bodies.

Reverend Steenwyck Their heads were not found severed. Their heads were not found at all.

Crane The heads are... Gone?

Notary Hardenbrook Taken. Taken by the Headless Horseman. Taken back to hell.

Crane Pardon, I...I don't...

[confused]

Van Tassell Perhaps you had best sit down? The Horseman was a Hessian mercenary, sent to these shores by German princes to keep Americans under the yoke of England. But unlike his compatriots, who came for money, the Horseman came for love of carnage. When battle was joined, there you'd find him; he rode a giant black steed named Daredevil, and was infamous for riding his horse hard into battle, chopping off heads at full gallop. He'd filed his teeth down to sharp points, to add to the ferocity of his appearance. This butcher didn't finally meet his end until the winter of 79, not far from here in our western woods. They chopped off his head with his own sword; even today the western woods is a haunted place, where brave men will not venture...for what was planted in the ground that day was a seed of evil. And so it's been for 20 years...but now the Hessian wakes. He's on the rampage, cutting off heads where he finds them.

[Crane does so]

Crane Are you saying...? Is that what you believe?

Notary Hardenbrook Seeing is believing.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Beetlejuice

Family Dinner Conversation in a New Home

Delia I can't believe we're eating Cantonese. Is there no Szechuan up here?

Lydia I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food.

Delia This is our first meal in this house, so why don't we all do our little private parts to make it a pleasant one?

Charles Don't bait your mother, Pumpkin. As soon as we get settled, we'll build you a darkroom in the basement.

Lydia My whole life is a darkroom. One. Big. Dark. Room.

Delia So you were miserable in ], and now you're going to be miserable out here in the sticks. At least someone's life hasn't been upheaved.

[[New York City]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Ed Wood

Introduction of Ed Wood's Identity

Criswell And who may you be?

Ed Wood Edward D. Wood, Junior.

Criswell Ah — the director of Glen or Glenda.

Ed How'd you know?

Criswell I am Criswell. I know all.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Dr. Dolittle 2

Conflict Between Conservation and Industry Interests

Reporter And in what must be one of the most unusual stories of the year, Dr. John Dolittle is trying to rewrite the laws of nature by attempting to reintroduce a performing bear into the wild. In doing so, he hopes to save an entire forest from destruction. It's Darwin versus Dolittle.

Jack Riley Oh, get over yourself.

Joe Potter Governor, I've got two lumber mills waiting for that wood.

Governor I understand, Joe, but it's complicated. Especially if that endangered bear survives.

Joe Potter I don't meet my quota, Governor, you're the one who's gonna be endangered.

Jack Riley Now, now, J.P., not to worry.

Governor That ridiculous bear is bound to screw up at least once.

Jack Riley And when he does, you'll have yourself a new trophy.

Joe Potter And I've got just the place to put him.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Stuart Little

Family Greetings and Introductions at the Gathering

Eleanor Oh, hello!

[chuckles]

Aunt Tina Hello, we're here.

Eleanor Oh, Crenshaw!

Aunt Beatrice Hi, auntie.

Frederick Crenshaw!

Uncle Crenshaw Frederick!

Frederick Little high, Little low!

Littles Little hey, Little ho!

Aunt Beatrice We come bearing gifts for young Stuart.

Cousin Edgar Yes, where is my new nephew?

Uncle Crenshaw The Little family's getting bigger and bigger.

Stuart Boy. That's a lot of Littles.

George Uncle Crenshaw!

Uncle Crenshaw There's my favorite little nephew.

Uncle Stretch Oh, you can't say that anymore, Crenshaw.

Aunt Tina That's right. Now we have two favorite little nephews.

Cousin Edgar That's right. Where is the lad?

Uncle Stretch He has a lot of gifts to open.

George Are any of those for me?

Frederick Attention, everybody. We'd like to introduce you to someone.

Eleanor This is Stuart.

Stuart Hello, everyone.

Uncle Stretch He's a, a...

Aunt Beatrice ...dorable!

Aunt Tina Adorable!

Uncle Stretch Yeah, that's right. I couldn't think of the word.

Stay Tuned

Consequences of Failure in a High-Stakes Situation

Spike Screw up in here, and you're dead meat.

[about TV hell]

Stay Tuned

Kidnapping Announcement and Husband's Inaction

Spike This just in... Helen Knable has been kidnapped and taken to Channel 1. We take you there live.

[on HV One News]

Helen Roy, I don't know where you are, but get your butt back here!

[tied up to the dynamite wagon]

Spike Unfortunately, her gutless failure of a husband won't lift a finger to save her. Isn't that right, Roy?

Roy No!!

Stay Tuned

Synchronized Remotes and Shared Adventures

Spike Greetings, Captain Roy. Our remotes are synchronized. So wherever you go, I go. Enjoy the attack.

[on the Star Trek-like show]

Stuart Little

The Significance of Schmelling in Conversation

Eleanor Oh, Stuart, look!

Frederick Look at that! This is a real Schmelling.

Stuart Those are the best kind.

Uncle Crenshaw You know what they say: "If it ain't Schmelling"...

Littles It ain't bowling".

Uncle Stretch Look here, Stuart. Climb on up here, son. Plant your caboose right up here.

Aunt Beatrice He may have to grow into it.

Aunt Tina I think he's grown a little since we've been here.

Grandma Estelle That's what happened to me. One summer, I just shot right up.

Stuart May I say something? In the orphanage, we used to tell fairy tales of finding our families and having a party like this. A party with cakes and presents and all varieties of meat loaf. A party with a big family who came from far away just to wish us well. I don't know much about families, but this must be the nicest family in the world. So I just wanted to thank each of you. Because now I know, fairy tales are real.

Snowbell Fairy tales are real? Oy, I think I'm gonna cough up a furball.

Uncle Crenshaw And now, it's time for the best present of all. It's something for you and George.

Frederick George. Stand next to Stuart.

Uncle Crenshaw This is something that gave your father and me hours of enjoyment when we were young brothers just like you and Stuart. This ball belonged to your great-great-grandfather, Jedediah Little. Remember, Frederick, those long summer days playing catch?

[He gives an old brown baseball to George.]

Frederick Yeah.

Cousin Edgar George, why don't you take your brother outside and toss around the old horsehide?

Uncle Crenshaw Yeah, what do you say, George? You ready?

George Are you all nuts? Bicycles and bowling balls? How's he gonna toss a baseball? How's he gonna do any of those things? He's not my brother, he's a mouse.

[thinking that everyone lost his mind]

Uncle Stretch Time to go.

Aunt Beatrice Excellent idea.

Memorable Quotes from Jeffrey Jones