Jess WeixlerQuotes

Ben: Pretty hard to make intercourse sound sexy.

Hanna: (Pushes Ben to lie down and straddles him)

Hanna: I wanna have intercourse with you.

Man: Do you have any stamps?

Jillian: No.

Man: Are you sure?

Jillian: Am I sure? Yeah. I'm sorry, what kind of question is that? What? You obviously think I work in some kind of postal truck. Do you think that I would work in a postal truck and not realize that I sold stamps. Sometimes a deli will sell stamps. Do you want mustard with your ham sandwich?

Man: What's wrong with you?

Jillian: I got kidnapped this morning and I'm being forced to wear a t-shirt that makes it pretty obvious that I need to get fake breasts, before people start calling me sir, and I haven't had any coffee.

Man: I think your shirt looks nice.

Woman: Aren't you hot in there?

Jillian: Nope. They say people are descendants from apes but I think my family is descended from reptiles. They're all cold-blooded lawyers.

Woman: Oh, well I uh-

Jillian: What?

Woman: [[w:Objections to evolution|doesn't believe in evolution; [w:Charles Darwin|Darwin and all that; ''Walks away''] I don't- My family ]. ].

Jillian: Okay. Next. Hi. Chocolate or vanilla?

Joel: Um, I want both.

Jillian: You can't have both. You have to pick one.

Joel: You can give me both if you wanted to.

Jillian: Yeah, but we live in a polite society. There are rules. There are lots of things I'd like to do that I'm not allowed.

Joel: Like what?

Jillian: [[w:Malibu, California|a beach in Malibu] I don't know- I'd like to walk around naked for an entire year. I'd like to sleep in a tent on ]. Kill a few people. Quite a few, actually.

Joel: I'll have two cups of the chocolate.

Jillian: Well, you can have chocolate. Just one cup.

Joel: But the other girl always gives me two cups!

Jillian: She's not here.

Joel: Well, the other girl's a lot prettier than you are.

Jillian: Alright! First of all, you're seeing me with a hangover- no make-up! Secondly- I'm also a great deal more flexible than the girl who's usually here.

Joel: So, what?

Jillian: Well, you'll find out why it's important and people pee on that girls couch.

Joel's mother: [''Approaches''] Joel!

Joel: What?

Joel's mother: [''Takes ice cream from Joel''] I thought I told you to wait for me by the car. Why are you eating this junk?

Joel: I just had one bite.

Joel's mother: [''To Jillian''] Shouldn't you check with the mother before you give ice cream to a child?

Jillian: I usually do. But- Joel said that you were dying in a hospital. He was so sad. I couldn't resist.

Joel's mother: Joel!

Joel: I didn't say that! She said she wanted to kill people!

Jillian: [[w:Civil liberties|civil liberties] No! We were discussing ]! He's clearly taking that statement totally out of context.

Joel's mother: [''Growls''; ''Joel walks away with his mother and then turns and gives [[w:the finger|the finger] Come with me, right now! ] to Jillian]

Jillian: Yes, and just a drop of milk. You know what, no milk. Just take the cup and say "Moo" over top of it.

Hippie woman: Moo-moo-moo!

Jillian: Okay. That's very good but save it for when it counts.

Hippie woman: How am I supposed to buy you the coffee?

Jillian: Crazy, I don't know if you noticed but I just gave you $5.

Hippie woman: But you didn't give me money for the actual coffee. I don't know you well enough to go and buy you a coffee. We're not friends like that.

Jillian: [''Points to truck''; [w:Individual retirement account|your IRA] You know what, I have one friend. That's how I got trapped in that stupid truck. So look, I'm certainly not looking for another. Let's review. I gave you $5 to go away. Now that $5 is yours to keep no matter what. You put that straight into ]. This new $5 that is to go buy my coffee. When you return, with the coffee, I'm going to give you your $5.

Hippie woman: Do I get to keep the change?

Jillian: No.

Hippie woman: Yeah. Why not?

Jillian: [''Hippie woman makes a suggestive face''] Because I said so, and I'm too mean to ever change my mind! What are you, trying to seduce...? I don't understand. Just go and get coffee!

Hippie woman: You're a believer aren't you? You believe?

Jillian: Oh, God. You know what? No. I think I can honestly say I'm just not a believer. Oh, God. I can't believe I got you to go away. Then I actually asked you to come back. Okay, okay. Hey, hey! You can do it! One coffee! One real sugar. Only you can save my life. Go.

Boy: You know, you're like the first person around her who hasn't remarked on us being identical twins.

Jillian: Well, I was going to but to be honest, I'm hung-over and I just wasn't entirely sure if I was seeing two people or not. You're twins.

Man: You're giving out free samples today only?

Jillian: Yes. A cup of either ice cream or an ice cream like substance in either chocolate or vanilla.

Man: Who's Mike?

Jillian: I don't know. But I suspect he dreams of ice cream or ice cream like substance.

Jillian: Are you house-trained yet?

Wally: I know. That was pretty bad. Is Nancy really mad?

Jillian: You urinated on her couch.

Wally: I know!

Jillian: She's not pleased.

Jillian: Here's the note.

Nancy: [''Reading''] Oh. It's probably from Wally. I made him sleep on the couch. Nancy: "Hey, Nancy! Sorry, but I peed on your couch. I'm leaving you $20. Wally.

Jillian: You don't trust me?

Jillian: Should've been nicer.

Jillian: If I peed on your couch, I would pay someone to come in and steal all of your furniture. I would rather burn down your whole apartment building than tell you... "Hey, Nancy, I peed on your couch last night.