Memorable Quotes from Jim Varney
32 quotesErnest's Unique Restaurant Experience
Ernest P. Worrell
I've never been inside a restaurant that doesn't have a drive-thru window before.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Cultural Differences in Greetings Explored
Jed Clampett
Jethro? Why do you think that fellow's pointing at us?
Jethro
I reckon that's the way they wave howdy in Californy!.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ernest's Overconfidence in Confrontation
Ernest
Ahhhhh! Boy, I sure hope you're from Keebler! You better back off. You don't wanna fight me, I know tai chi, kung fu, chow mein, and I saw Hulkamania three times once in slow mo.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ernest Discovers a Wiring Issue
Ernest P. Worrell
Oh, there's my problem right there. This wire's got a little sh...
[After drying himself off with his body dryer and checking the circuit board]
Ernest P. Worrell
...short in it.
Ernest P. Worrell
Gosh, not again.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Courage Beyond Physical Threats
Ernest P. Worrell
Real men are not intimidated by physical threats against their personal selves, and, ironically, neither am I.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fatherhood and Accountability in Humor
Trantor
You’re gonna pay for the sins of your forefathers!
Ernest
I didn't have four fathers! I just had one father and I didn't know him that well!
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Ernest's Call for Help and Confusion
Ernest
Help, help! May day! May day! Christmas Day! Colombus Day!
[''being attacked by the troll'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ernest's Dining Etiquette in Jail
Ernest P. Worrell
Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think our table has any steak sauce!
Guard
Get up!
[crossly]
Ernest P. Worrell
Oh, I'm sorry, where are my manners, I should have waited for the others!
Guard
(blows whistle) Eat, Greaseball!
Ernest P. Worrell
I didn't order a "grease ball.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity Confusion in Ernest Goes to Jail
Ernest P. Worrell
Look, I'm not this guy Nash!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Recommendation in a Serious Moment
Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow)
Ernest, Ernest are you all right?
Ernest P. Worrell
I recommend the lobster. (laughs)
[After removing a metal lid that clung to his face, even though the lobster is still stuck to his face]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Man's Job Requires a Man's Skills
Lothar Zogg
Never send a boy to do a man's job!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confronting Fate with Determination and Humor
Ernest P. Worrell
So, it's come to this. A pointless, miserable end to a shallow, meaningless life. But it's as it should be. It's the hand I've been dealt, and I have to play it as it lays. Oh, I'm not going to cry because life's thrown me a curve. I'm not going to whine because I got mashed potatoes when French fries is what I really wanted. It's time for me to step up to the plate, belly up to the bar! It's time for me to look fate square in the eye, flare my nostrils, breathe life's last breath! It's time for me to lie down with lions so I can soar with the eagles! All right! I'm ready! Come and get me! Let's do it!
Prison guard
Come on Nash, it's time!
Ernest P. Worrell
Oh, oh. I don't wanna die!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Setting Boundaries in Business Relationships
Ernest P. Worrell
You pal, you're not getting anymore of my business!
[To Nash's lawyer as he's being taken to the chair]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Importance of Nasal Hygiene
Ernest
A little nasal hygiene will go a long way young man. Here you go! I hope you're grateful. Little trolls in China don't even get milk.
[''as the old lady''; ''dumps milk on a troll'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bumper Sandwich Humor in Ernest Scared Stupid
Ernest
How bout a bumper sandwich, Boogerlips? Eh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh
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The Limitations of a Wooden Dog
Ernest
What good is a wooden dog? Oh, sure they swim better, but what am I going to call him? Splinter?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity and Justice in Unlikely Circumstances
Warden Carmichael
Nash, take it like a man.
Ernest P. Worrell
But I'm not Nash, I'm Ernest. And what is an Ernest you may ask? A man with a past both rich in history and tradition. Should we punish this man for crimes he did not commit? No, no, no, no, no.
Warden Carmichael
Can't you speed things up?
Prison guard
Okay, okay!
Ernest P. Worrell
Such a man should be set free.
[Ernest sits on the electric chair and gets electrocuted]
Warden Carmichael
Hit the alarm! Run for it!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings in a Morning Greeting
Ernest P. Worrell
Mr. Poodle-Smurf is lucky to have me. One day, I'm gonna walk into his office and I'll say: Oscar Babe'.
Oscar Pendlesmythe
WHAT?!
Ernest P. Worrell
Oh good morning Mr. Poodle-Smurf, Puddle-Smit, Smiddle-Poot...
Oscar Pendlesmythe
Pendlesmythe," you idiot!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Brussel Sprouts Turn the Tables on Kids
Ernest
Gosh, Rimshot! Pretty soon, the kids won't have to worry about eating their Brussel sprouts because the Brussel sprouts will be eating them!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Dream of Presidential Aspirations
Mr. Drysdale
Son, what do you do?
Jethro
Don't know! What do you do?
Mr. Drysdale
I'm just president of a bank.
Jethro
Wow! Uncle Jed, can I be a president too?
Jed Clampett
Now Jethro. That's a mighty disrespectful thing to say to Mr. Drysdale.
Mr. Drysdale
No...
[dismissive]
Jed Clampett
Ask him if you can be vice president.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity Confusion in a Jail Setting
Rubin Bartlett
Did you miss me, Mr. Nash?
[Thinking Ernest is Nash]
Cell Guard
Close C-12!
Ernest P. Worrell
You! You know I'm not Nash!
Rubin Bartlett
Of course you are... Ernest.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Tree House or Dress Shields?
Kenny
Ernest, I know. What we need is...a tree house!
Ernest
I thought we needed dress shields.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Description of a humorous character comparison
Ernest
He looked like a big giant Mr. Potato Head. Except he was shaped more like a watermelon.
[''about the troll'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ernest's Frustration in Unwanted Confinement
Ernest P. Worrell
We're sequestered. And on top of that we can't even leave! Oh, this is great. This is just great.
Ernest P. Worrell
I hope you've got a good story to tell my boss! After all, I do have a living to earn.
Prison guard
Now look, Nash...
[crossly]
Ernest P. Worrell
My name is Worrell. Ernest P. Worrell.
Prison guard
Oh, Mr. Funny-Man, huh? Yeah, Mr. Funny-Man. You'll think funny when you're tapping to the tune of 2-20, son!
Ernest P. Worrell
That is the rudest bailiff I have ever seen in my life. Wait a minute. You're that guy! Bailiff! Bailiff! You're in big trouble now, pal. Bailiff!
[Remarking to his cell-mates; Lyle throws Ernest against the bars of the cell; bangs his head against the bars and recognizes Lyle; yells to the guard; to Lyle]
Prison guard
What is it, Nash?
[approaches Ernest's cell]
Ernest P. Worrell
You see that guy?
Prison guard
Yeah, so?
Ernest P. Worrell
No, I mean look... look at him. Come closer. Look. You see that guy? He's not on the jury. This man is a prisoner!
[bangs the guard's head against the bars]
Prison guard
Ugh! I oughta throw you in the hole for that, Nash!
Ernest P. Worrell
The hole?
Prison guard
Yeah, the hole!
[walks off]
Ernest P. Worrell
The hole like... like in solitary, the hole? Like, in real prison? Like in real, really, really, really, really real prison? The hoose-gow, the slammer, the joint, Alcatraz, San Quentin, Sing Sing... Oh no! I'm in... I'm in... JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL!!!!!
[shocked; horrified; echos]
Prison guard
(laughs sternly)
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstood Genius in a Slippery Game
Jethro
I finally figured this game out, Spanky. You take this ball and put it in this here gully. It rolls down yonder, then you hurl yourself down this slippery gully, and see how many of them there snake-bashin clubs you can knock down before the ball gets there.
Laura Jackson
What a stupid idiot.
[to herself]
Jed Clampett
Did you say something, ma'am?
Laura Jackson
What a stupendous... intellect!
[as Laurette Voleur]
Jethro
That's cause I graduated in the sixth grade, ma'am! Only took three years!
[holds up four fingers]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Seriousness of Playing Charades
Ernest
Boy, Jimmy. When you play charades, you play for keeps. You know what I mean?
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Reflections on Kindness and Trust
Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow)
Do you think you let me get near me after what you did to Ernest? He was the kindest man who was ever loved in my whole life.
[Thinking Ernest is Nash]
Ernest P. Worrell
Gee, Charlotte, I'm touched!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Perseverance Despite Past Challenges
Ernest
I never knew when to quit. Just ask my fourth grade teacher.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Value of a Good Dog
Ernest P. Worrell
What kind of person would throw away a perfectly good dog?
[Finds Rimshot in the trashcan]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Understanding Actions and Identity in Context
Jed Clampett
I reckon you done what you done because you didn't know we was who we was. And if we hadn't been who we was, we'd have still been much obliged for you to have done what you done.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Final Appeal Denied for Rubin Bartlett
Warden Carmichael
Nash, lawyer's got somethin to tell you.
Rubin's attorney
I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Mr. Nash. Our last appeal was turned down. It was our final hope. I'm afraid there's nothing more we can do.
Warden Carmichael
Come on, Nash. Let's go.
Ernest P. Worrell
Go? Go where?
Warden Carmichael
You're goin to the row.
Ernest P. Worrell
The row? What row?
Rubin Bartlett
As in "death", you know, "death row.
Ernest P. Worrell
Oh, well, I... Death row? You mean like the chair?! The hot seat? Dead meat, deep 6, it's over pal, you're outta here bub, the groundhog's are bringing you your mail, you're picking turnips with a step ladder? Like, the no-tomorrow row? That kind of row? Oh no! The row?! You gotta tell him who I am, fellas! I'm Ernest P. Worrell! I'm not Nash, I'm Ernest!
[realizes what they're talking about; Rubin exchanges looks with his lawyer]
Warden Carmichael
Zip it up, Nash. Get him outta here.
[turns to the guards]
Ernest P. Worrell
Warden, you're gonna feel terrible when you find out what a big mistake you made. And, you, pal, you're not getting any more of my business. I'm not Nash, I tell you, I'm Ernest! I'm Ernest P. Worrell!
[the guards begin dragging Ernest from his cell to death row]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Auntie Nelda's Perspective on Family Struggles
Auntie Nelda
The way they run this institution is an outrage, for a poor, tired, old lonely woman like me. Her only son, a felon, though not a terribly successful one. Young man? Young man?
Auntie Nelda
Young man, would you please open that gate? I left my car running outside.
Gate Guard
Ma'am, you tell me how you got through this gate? The visitors exit on the other side of the prison.
Auntie Nelda
I brought him up as best I could, but sometimes a bad seed falls from even the most fragile flower.
Gate Guard
Ma'am, you're not going through this gate.
Auntie Nelda
Is this the way you treat your mother? Is this the kind of abuse that poor woman must endure?
Gate Guard
Well, I guess that my mother is a little bit mad at...
Auntie Nelda
Mmm-hmm! You ought to be in the slammer with the rest of these misfits. If you had any remorse at all for the horror you push your own mother through, you'd open that gate. I have a car overheating as we speak.
Gate Guard
Okay, okay.
Gate Guard
All right! Let's open the east gate.
Gate Guard
There! Now you satisfied?
Auntie Nelda
I'll tell your mother how her son has improved despite his shaded and somewhat checkered past.
Auntie Nelda
The doctor told me I'd only have to wear these until after the surgery.
[Lying about the prison balls]
Ernest P. Worrell
(gasps) I've been vandalized...By Elvis!
Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow)
I can't believe it! I can't believe it! First, Ernest, and now this! I'm acting like a victim, I need to tell Ernest, exactly how I feel, and I need to do that right now while I'm still mad!
[crossly]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.