Jim VarneyQuotes

Ernest: Gosh, Rimshot! Pretty soon, the kids won't have to worry about eating their Brussel sprouts because the Brussel sprouts will be eating them!

Ernest: [''being attacked by the troll''] Help, help! May day! May day! Christmas Day! Colombus Day!

Ernest: [''as the old lady''; ''dumps milk on a troll''] A little nasal hygiene will go a long way young man. Here you go! I hope you're grateful. Little trolls in China don't even get milk.

Ernest: [''about the troll''] He looked like a big giant Mr. Potato Head. Except he was shaped more like a watermelon.

Ernest: Boy, Jimmy. When you play charades, you play for keeps. You know what I mean?

Ernest: What good is a wooden dog? Oh, sure they swim better, but what am I going to call him? Splinter?

Ernest: I never knew when to quit. Just ask my fourth grade teacher.

Ernest: Ahhhhh! Boy, I sure hope you're from Keebler! You better back off. You don't wanna fight me, I know tai chi, kung fu, chow mein, and I saw Hulkamania three times once in slow mo.

Ernest: How bout a bumper sandwich, Boogerlips? Eh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh

Trantor: You’re gonna pay for the sins of your forefathers!

Ernest: I didn't have four fathers! I just had one father and I didn't know him that well!

Kenny: Ernest, I know. What we need is...a tree house!

Ernest: I thought we needed dress shields.

Lothar Zogg: Never send a boy to do a man's job!

Jed Clampett: Jethro? Why do you think that fellow's pointing at us?

Jethro: I reckon that's the way they wave howdy in Californy!.

Mr. Drysdale: Son, what do you do?

Jethro: Don't know! What do you do?

Mr. Drysdale: I'm just president of a bank.

Jethro: Wow! Uncle Jed, can I be a president too?

Jed Clampett: Now Jethro. That's a mighty disrespectful thing to say to Mr. Drysdale.

Mr. Drysdale: [dismissive] No...

Jed Clampett: Ask him if you can be vice president.

Jethro: I finally figured this game out, Spanky. You take this ball and put it in this here gully. It rolls down yonder, then you hurl yourself down this slippery gully, and see how many of them there snake-bashin clubs you can knock down before the ball gets there.

Laura Jackson: [to herself] What a stupid idiot.

Jed Clampett: Did you say something, ma'am?

Laura Jackson: [as Laurette Voleur] What a stupendous... intellect!

Jethro: [holds up four fingers] That's cause I graduated in the sixth grade, ma'am! Only took three years!

Jed Clampett: I reckon you done what you done because you didn't know we was who we was. And if we hadn't been who we was, we'd have still been much obliged for you to have done what you done.

Warden Carmichael: Nash, take it like a man.

Ernest P. Worrell: But I'm not Nash, I'm Ernest. And what is an Ernest you may ask? A man with a past both rich in history and tradition. Should we punish this man for crimes he did not commit? No, no, no, no, no.

Warden Carmichael: Can't you speed things up?

Prison guard: Okay, okay!

Ernest P. Worrell: [Ernest sits on the electric chair and gets electrocuted] Such a man should be set free.

Warden Carmichael: Hit the alarm! Run for it!

Ernest P. Worrell: So, it's come to this. A pointless, miserable end to a shallow, meaningless life. But it's as it should be. It's the hand I've been dealt, and I have to play it as it lays. Oh, I'm not going to cry because life's thrown me a curve. I'm not going to whine because I got mashed potatoes when French fries is what I really wanted. It's time for me to step up to the plate, belly up to the bar! It's time for me to look fate square in the eye, flare my nostrils, breathe life's last breath! It's time for me to lie down with lions so I can soar with the eagles! All right! I'm ready! Come and get me! Let's do it!

Prison guard: Come on Nash, it's time!

Ernest P. Worrell: Oh, oh. I don't wanna die!

Rubin Bartlett: [Thinking Ernest is Nash] Did you miss me, Mr. Nash?

Cell Guard: Close C-12!

Ernest P. Worrell: You! You know I'm not Nash!

Rubin Bartlett: Of course you are... Ernest.

Ernest P. Worrell: We're sequestered. And on top of that we can't even leave! Oh, this is great. This is just great.

Ernest P. Worrell: I hope you've got a good story to tell my boss! After all, I do have a living to earn.

Prison guard: [crossly] Now look, Nash...

Ernest P. Worrell: My name is Worrell. Ernest P. Worrell.

Prison guard: Oh, Mr. Funny-Man, huh? Yeah, Mr. Funny-Man. You'll think funny when you're tapping to the tune of 2-20, son!

Ernest P. Worrell: [Remarking to his cell-mates; Lyle throws Ernest against the bars of the cell; bangs his head against the bars and recognizes Lyle; yells to the guard; to Lyle] That is the rudest bailiff I have ever seen in my life. Wait a minute. You're that guy! Bailiff! Bailiff! You're in big trouble now, pal. Bailiff!

Prison guard: [approaches Ernest's cell] What is it, Nash?

Ernest P. Worrell: You see that guy?

Prison guard: Yeah, so?

Ernest P. Worrell: [bangs the guard's head against the bars] No, I mean look... look at him. Come closer. Look. You see that guy? He's not on the jury. This man is a prisoner!

Prison guard: Ugh! I oughta throw you in the hole for that, Nash!

Ernest P. Worrell: The hole?

Prison guard: [walks off] Yeah, the hole!

Ernest P. Worrell: [shocked; horrified; echos] The hole like... like in solitary, the hole? Like, in real prison? Like in real, really, really, really, really real prison? The hoose-gow, the slammer, the joint, Alcatraz, San Quentin, Sing Sing... Oh no! I'm in... I'm in... JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL!!!!!

Prison guard: (laughs sternly)

Ernest P. Worrell: [After drying himself off with his body dryer and checking the circuit board] Oh, there's my problem right there. This wire's got a little sh...

Ernest P. Worrell: ...short in it.

Ernest P. Worrell: Gosh, not again.

Auntie Nelda: The way they run this institution is an outrage, for a poor, tired, old lonely woman like me. Her only son, a felon, though not a terribly successful one. Young man? Young man?

Auntie Nelda: Young man, would you please open that gate? I left my car running outside.

Gate Guard: Ma'am, you tell me how you got through this gate? The visitors exit on the other side of the prison.

Auntie Nelda: I brought him up as best I could, but sometimes a bad seed falls from even the most fragile flower.

Gate Guard: Ma'am, you're not going through this gate.

Auntie Nelda: Is this the way you treat your mother? Is this the kind of abuse that poor woman must endure?

Gate Guard: Well, I guess that my mother is a little bit mad at...

Auntie Nelda: Mmm-hmm! You ought to be in the slammer with the rest of these misfits. If you had any remorse at all for the horror you push your own mother through, you'd open that gate. I have a car overheating as we speak.

Gate Guard: Okay, okay.

Gate Guard: All right! Let's open the east gate.

Gate Guard: There! Now you satisfied?

Auntie Nelda: I'll tell your mother how her son has improved despite his shaded and somewhat checkered past.

Auntie Nelda: [Lying about the prison balls] The doctor told me I'd only have to wear these until after the surgery.

Ernest P. Worrell: (gasps) I've been vandalized...By Elvis!

Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow): [crossly] I can't believe it! I can't believe it! First, Ernest, and now this! I'm acting like a victim, I need to tell Ernest, exactly how I feel, and I need to do that right now while I'm still mad!

Warden Carmichael: Nash, lawyer's got somethin to tell you.

Rubin's attorney: I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Mr. Nash. Our last appeal was turned down. It was our final hope. I'm afraid there's nothing more we can do.

Warden Carmichael: Come on, Nash. Let's go.

Ernest P. Worrell: Go? Go where?

Warden Carmichael: You're goin to the row.

Ernest P. Worrell: The row? What row?

Rubin Bartlett: As in "death", you know, "death row.

Ernest P. Worrell: [realizes what they're talking about; Rubin exchanges looks with his lawyer] Oh, well, I... Death row? You mean like the chair?! The hot seat? Dead meat, deep 6, it's over pal, you're outta here bub, the groundhog's are bringing you your mail, you're picking turnips with a step ladder? Like, the no-tomorrow row? That kind of row? Oh no! The row?! You gotta tell him who I am, fellas! I'm Ernest P. Worrell! I'm not Nash, I'm Ernest!

Warden Carmichael: [turns to the guards] Zip it up, Nash. Get him outta here.

Ernest P. Worrell: [the guards begin dragging Ernest from his cell to death row] Warden, you're gonna feel terrible when you find out what a big mistake you made. And, you, pal, you're not getting any more of my business. I'm not Nash, I tell you, I'm Ernest! I'm Ernest P. Worrell!

Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow): [Thinking Ernest is Nash] Do you think you let me get near me after what you did to Ernest? He was the kindest man who was ever loved in my whole life.

Ernest P. Worrell: Gee, Charlotte, I'm touched!

Ernest P. Worrell: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think our table has any steak sauce!

Guard: [crossly] Get up!

Ernest P. Worrell: Oh, I'm sorry, where are my manners, I should have waited for the others!

Guard: (blows whistle) Eat, Greaseball!

Ernest P. Worrell: I didn't order a "grease ball.

Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow): Ernest, Ernest are you all right?

Ernest P. Worrell: [After removing a metal lid that clung to his face, even though the lobster is still stuck to his face] I recommend the lobster. (laughs)

Ernest P. Worrell: Mr. Poodle-Smurf is lucky to have me. One day, I'm gonna walk into his office and I'll say: Oscar Babe'.

Oscar Pendlesmythe: WHAT?!

Ernest P. Worrell: Oh good morning Mr. Poodle-Smurf, Puddle-Smit, Smiddle-Poot...

Oscar Pendlesmythe: Pendlesmythe," you idiot!

Ernest P. Worrell: Look, I'm not this guy Nash!

Ernest P. Worrell: Real men are not intimidated by physical threats against their personal selves, and, ironically, neither am I.

Ernest P. Worrell: [Finds Rimshot in the trashcan] What kind of person would throw away a perfectly good dog?

Ernest P. Worrell: [To Nash's lawyer as he's being taken to the chair] You pal, you're not getting anymore of my business!

Ernest P. Worrell: I've never been inside a restaurant that doesn't have a drive-thru window before.