Memorable Quotes from J.K. Simmons
14 quotesMaturity and Connections in Relationships
Joyce Klaven
Peter always connected better with women.
Zooey
You know, I can see that because he is a great boyfriend.
Peter
Thank you fiancee.
Oswald Klaven
Also, you got to understand, Zooey, Peter matured sexually at a very early age. I remember taking him swimming when he was twelve-years-old, kid had a bush like a forty-year-old Serbian.
Peter
Oh come on!
Zooey
Good to know.
Oswald
Kid had a Speedo full of Brillo.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lost Folder Causes Tension Among Musicians
Fletcher
Jesus fucking Christ, where have you been?
Carl
We have an issue.
Fletcher
Okay, now is not the time.
Carl
I gave Neiman the folder and Neiman lost it.
Fletcher
Neiman lost it?
Carl
Yes.
Fletcher
The folder is your fucking responsibility, Tanner. Why would you give it to Neiman? Right? You give a calculator to a fucking retard he's gonna try to turn on a TV with it. Now get your sticks and get your ass on stage.
Carl
I-- I can't.
Fletcher
You can't?
Carl
I-- I can't go onstage. I don't know the charts by heart.
Fletcher
Are you fucking kidding me?
Carl
I-- You know this. I need the music. It's my memory, I need visual cues.
[stammers]
Fletcher
Visual cues?
Carl
Yes, it's a medical condition--
Fletcher
A medical condition? What are you, fucking ]? Play the goddamn music.
[[Sanjay Gupta]
Carl
I can't.
Andrew
I can.
Fletcher
You know "Whiplash" by heart?
Andrew
Yes, sir. Every measure.
Fletcher
All right. Well, you better fucking hope your memory doesn't fail you. And I hope you play it a whole lot better than you did last month in rehearsal, because I do not intend to start losing now. Get your sticks and get your fucking ass onstage. Onstage!
[to band]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Importance of Tempo in Music
Fletcher
Why do you suppose I just hurled a chair at your head, Neiman?
Andrew
I... I don't know.
Fletcher
Sure you do.
Andrew
The tempo.
Fletcher
Were you rushing or were you dragging?
Andrew
I don't know.
Fletcher
Start counting.
Andrew
Five, six--
Fletcher
In four, damn it! Look at me.
Andrew
One, two, three, four-- ...One, two, three, four-- ...One, two, three...
[Fletcher slaps him; slap]
Fletcher
Now, was I rushing or was I dragging?
Andrew
I don't know.
Fletcher
Count again.
Andrew
One, two, three, four-- ...One, two, three, four-- ...One, two, three...
[slap; slap]
Fletcher
Rushing or dragging?
Andrew
Rushing.
Fletcher
So you do know the difference! If you deliberately sabotage my band, I will fuck you like a pig. Now are you a rusher, or are you a dragger, or are you gonna be ON MY FUCKING TIME?!
Andrew
I'm gonna be on your time.
Fletcher
What does that say?
[points to sheet music]
Andrew
Quarter note equals 215.
Fletcher
Count me a 215.
Andrew
One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four...
Fletcher
Jesus fucking Christ! I didn't know they allowed retards into Shaffer! Am I to understand that you cannot read tempo? Can you even fucking read music?! What is that?
Andrew
Eighth note.
Fletcher
Yes, what is that?
Andrew
Dotted sixteenth note.
Fletcher
Sight-read measure 101.
Andrew
Bop-bop-ba-bop-ba--
Fletcher
What, are you in a fucking a cappella group? Play the goddamn kit! Stop. Now answer my question: were you rushing, or were you dragging? ANSWER!!!
[Andrew drums the measure; Andrew doesn't respond]
Andrew
Rushing.
Fletcher
Oh, my dear God. Are you one of those single tear people? Do I look like a double fucking rainbow to you? You must be upset. Are you upset?
[sees Andrew shed a tear]
Andrew
No.
Fletcher
No? So you just don't give a shit about any of this?
Andrew
I do give a shit about this.
Fletcher
So, are you upset? Yes or fucking no? Yes, you are upset.
[Andrew nods yes]
Andrew
Yeah.
Fletcher
Say it.
Andrew
I'm upset.
Fletcher
Say it so the whole band can hear you.
Andrew
I'm upset!
Fletcher
Louder!
Andrew
I'm upset!
[loud]
Fletcher
LOUDER!
Andrew
I'M UPSET!
[louder]
Fletcher
You are a worthless, friendless, faggot-lipped little piece of shit whose mommy left daddy when she figured out he wasn't ], and who is now weeping and slobbering all over my drum set like a fucking nine-year old girl! So for the final, FATHER-FUCKING TIME, SAY IT LOUDER!!!
[[Eugene O'Neill]
Andrew
I'M UPSET!!!
[high pitched]
Fletcher
Carl. Start practicing harder, Neiman.
[Carl takes Andrew's place at the drums as Fletcher goes back to compose the band]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Exploring Family Backgrounds in Whiplash
Fletcher
Your parents musicians?
Andrew
No.
Fletcher
What do they do?
Andrew
My, uh, dad's a writer.
Fletcher
Oh, what's he written?
Andrew
Uh, I guess he's more of a teacher, really.
Fletcher
Oh. College?
Andrew
Pennington High School.
Fletcher
What about your mother, what does she do?
Andrew
I don't know, she left when I was a baby.
Fletcher
So no musicians in the family. Well, you've just got to listen to the greats then. Buddy Rich, Jo Jones. You know, Charlie Parker became Bird because Jones threw a cymbal at his head. See what I'm saying?
[Andrew shakes his head]
Andrew
Mm-hm.
Fletcher
Listen, the key is to just relax. Don't worry about the numbers, don't worry about what the other guys are thinking. You're here for a reason. You believe that, right?
Andrew
Yeah.
Fletcher
Say it.
Andrew
I'm here for a reason.
Fletcher
Cool. All right, man. Have fun.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confrontation Over Musical Performance Quality
Fletcher
Tell me it's not you, Elmer Fudd. It's okay. Play.
[walks over to Metz]
Fletcher
Do you think you're out of tune?
Fletcher
What are you... there's no fucking Mars Bar down there, what are you looking at? Look up here, look at me. Do you think you're out of tune?
Metz
Yes.
[after a long, hesitant pause]
Fletcher
THEN WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?! I've carried your fat ass for too long, Metz. I'm not gonna have you cost us a competition because your mind's on a fucking Happy Meal instead of on pitch. Jackson, congratulations. You're fourth chair. Metz, why are you still sitting there? Get the fuck out!
[yelling; calmer tone]
Fletcher
For the record, Metz wasn't out of tune. You were, Erickson, but he didn't know and that's bad enough. Alright take 10, when we get back the squeaker's on.
[to the band]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Impact of Career Change on Family
Bob
What do you suggest I tell them?
[Shows them a picture of his children, after having been informed he's been let go]
Natalie
Perhaps you're overlooking the positive effects your career transition will have on your children.
Bob
The positive effects? I make about ninety grand a year. Unemployment is, what? Two hundred fifty bucks a week? Is that one of your positive effects? We get to be cozier because I won't be able to pay my mortgage on my house so maybe we can move into a nice fucking one bedroom apartment somewhere. And I guess without benefits I'll be able to hold my daughter as she suffers from her asthma that I won't be able to afford the medication for.
Natalie
Well, umm, tests have shown that children under moderate trauma tend to apply themselves academically as a method of coping.
Bob
Go fuck yourself", that's what my kids will think.
Ryan
Your kids admiration is important to you?
Bob
Yeah. Yeah. It was.
Ryan
I doubt they ever admired you, Bob.
Bob
Hey, asshole, aren't you supposed to be consoling me?
Ryan
I'm not a shrink, I'm a wake-up call. Do you know why kids love athletes?
Bob
I don’t know, because they screw lingerie models.
Ryan
No, that’s why we love them. Kids love athletes because they follow their dreams.
Bob
Well I can’t dunk.
Ryan
No, but you can cook.
Bob
What are you talking about?
Ryan
Your resume says that you minored in French Culinary Arts. Most students, they’ll work the fryer at KFC, but you bussed tables at El Picador to support yourself. And then you get out of college and you come and you work here. How much did they first pay you to give up on your dreams?
Bob
Twenty seven grand a year.
Ryan
And when were you going to stop and come back and do what makes you happy?
Bob
Good question.
[sighs]
Ryan
I see guys who work at the same company their entire lives, guys exactly like you. They clock in and they clock out and they never have a moment of happiness. You have an opportunity here, Bob. This is a rebirth. If not for you, do it for your children.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Urgent Call to Action in Tobacco Marketing
BR
People, what is going on out there? I look down this table, all I see are white flags! Our numbers are down all across the board. Teen smoking, our bread and butter, is falling like a shit from heaven! We don't sell Tic Tacs for Christ's sake. We sell cigarettes! And they're cool and available and addictive. The job is almost done for us! Now, this environmentalist is challenging us. We have to have an answer! I'm asking you, when this cocksucker puts Captain Hook on our product, what the fuck are we going to do!?
[Pussy]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A New Perspective on Happiness
Sebastian
I want to let you know you're looking at a new man.
Bill
Good.
Sebastian
A man who's happy to be here.
Bill
Excellent.
Sebastian
Very easy to work with. Yeah.
Bill
Right, and you'll play the set list.
Sebastian
Happy to. Even though I don’t think anyone cares what I play, but yeah.
Bill
Well, if by “anyone” you mean anyone other than me, that would be correct. I care and I don’t want to hear the free jazz.
Sebastian
Right. Okay. Although I, I thought in this town it worked on a sort of “one for you, one for me” basis type system. How about two for you, one for me?
Sebastian
How about all for you and none for me?
Bill
That’s perfect, yes.
Sebastian
Great.
Bill
Okay.
Sebastian
Okay, a mutual decision then.
Bill
Right, made by me.
Sebastian
Right, and I sign off on it, so.
Bill
Whatever. Tell yourself what you want to know.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Consequences of Reliability in Sports
Frank Perry
Well, since you're throwing bullets, I'm not even gonna mention the fact that you're an hour late, and I have been standing here trying to figure out who my starting pitcher would be if you didn't show up.
[Billy is warming up in the bullpen before the game]
Billy Chapel
Have I ever not showed? In the 19 years, have I ever not showed?
Frank Perry
Well, that's true of everyone until the first time they don't show.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Job Loss During the Holiday Season
Bill
You're fired.
Sebastian
It's Christmas.
Bill
Yeah, I see the decorations. Good luck in the New Year.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fletcher's Departure from Shaffer Academy
Fletcher
I don't know if you heard. I'm not at Shaffer anymore.
Andrew
Yeah, I did hear that. Did you quit?
Fletcher
Not exactly. Some parents got a kid from Sean Casey's year, I think, to say some things about me. Although why anybody would have anything other than peaches and cream to say about me is a mystery. That's a good laugh, right?
[Andrew chuckles]
Andrew
I'm sorry.
Fletcher
No, listen-- I get it. I know I made enemies. I'm conducting a little, though. They brought back the JVC Fest this year. They got me opening in a couple weeks with a pro band.
Andrew
That's great.
Fletcher
Yeah. It's all right. Truth is, I don't think people understood what it was I was doing at Shaffer. I wasn't there to conduct. Any fucking moron can wave his arms and keep people in tempo. I was there to push people beyond what's expected of them. I believe that is... an absolute necessity. Otherwise, we're depriving the world of the next ]. The next ]. I told you that story about how Charlie Parker became Charlie Parker, right?
[[Louis Armstrong; [w:Charlie Parker|Charlie Parker]
Andrew
] threw a cymbal at his head.
[[w:Jo Jones|Jo Jones]
Fletcher
Exactly. Parker's a young kid, pretty good on the sax. Gets up to play at a cutting session, and he fucks it up. And Jones nearly decapitates him for it. And he's laughed off-stage. Cries himself to sleep that night, but the next morning, what does he do? He practices. And he practices and he practices with one goal in mind: never to be laughed at again. And a year later, he goes back to the Reno and he steps up on that stage, and plays the best motherfucking solo the world has ever heard. So imagine if Jones had just said, "Well, that's okay, Charlie. That was all right. Good job." And then Charlie thinks to himself, "Well, shit, I did do a pretty good job." End of story. No Bird. That, to me, is an absolute tragedy. But that's just what the world wants now. People wonder why jazz is dying. I tell you, man, and every Starbucks "jazz" album just proves my point, really - there are no two words in the English language more harmful than "good job".
Andrew
But is there a line? You know, maybe you go too far, and you discourage the next Charlie Parker from ever becoming Charlie Parker?
[pause]
Fletcher
No, man, no. Because the next Charlie Parker would never be discouraged.
Andrew
Yeah.
Fletcher
The truth is, Andrew, I never really had a Charlie Parker. But I tried. I actually fucking tried, and that's more than most people ever do. And I will never apologize for how I tried.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Shock at an outrageous financial demand
BR
50 million dollars?! Are you out of your fucking mind?!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Tension in a Music Rehearsal Setting
Andrew
Hey. Hey, sorry I'm late.
Fletcher
Well, glad you could fit us into your busy schedule, darling.
Andrew
I know. Look, I'm sorry I'm late, but I'm here. I'm ready to go.
Fletcher
Connolly's playing the part.
Andrew
Yeah, like fucking hell he's playing my part.
Fletcher
What the fuck did you just say to me?
Andrew
It's my part.
Fletcher
It's my part and I decide who to lend it to. Usually it's somebody that has fucking sticks.
Andrew
I left them in the car, I'll be right back. Take me five minutes.
Fletcher
I'm warming up the band now.
Andrew
Look, I can use Ryan's sticks.
Fletcher
Neiman, you lost the fucking part.
Andrew
No, I didn't! Look, you can't fucking do this to me!
Fletcher
CAN'T'?!
Andrew
Yeah!
Fletcher
When did you become a fucking expert on what I can or cannot do, you fucking weepy willow shitsack?
Andrew
I earned that part.
Fletcher
You never earned anything. God, you are a self-righteous prick. The only reason you are a core is because you misplaced a folder. The only reason you're in Studio Band to begin with is because I told you exactly what I'd be asking for in Nassau! Am I wrong?
Andrew
Yeah, yeah. I'm in studio band because I'm the best player...
Ryan
Hey, why don't you just back off, bro?
[interrupts]
Andrew
Hey, you know, fuck off, Johnny Utah! Turn my pages, bitch!
Fletcher
Hey, I can cut you any fucking time I want.
Andrew
You would've cut me by now.
Fletcher
Try me, you fucking weasel! At 5:30, that's in exactly eleven minutes, my band is onstage. If your ass is not on that stool with your own fucking sticks in hand or you make ONE FUCKING MISTAKE, ONE, I will drum your ass back to Nassau where you can turn pages until you graduate or fucking drop out! By the time you're done at Shaffer, you're gonna make Daddy look like a fucking success story! Got it? Or, we can let Johnny Utah play the part. You choose.
Andrew
It's my part, I'll be on your stage. Fuck you.
[to Connelly; runs to get his sticks]
Fletcher
You got ten minutes you fucking pathetic pansy-ass fruit-fuck!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration in the Workplace
BR
The rest of you people go slam your fucking brains against your desks until something useful comes out!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.