Joaquim de Almeida

Joaquim de Almeida Biography

Joaquim António Portugal Baptista de Almeida (born March 15, 1957) is a Portuguese actor. He began his acting during the 1980s, appearing on the 1982 action movie The Soldier. He achieved international fame with his portrayals of Félix Cortez in the 1995 Tom Clancy's thriller Clear and Present Danger, drug kingpin Bucho in the 1995 action thriller film Desperado, Ramon Salazar on the Fox thriller drama series 24 and the corrupt businessman Hernan Reyes in 2011 street racing film Fast Five.

His other well known films include The Honorary Consul (1983), Good Morning, Babylon (1987), Only You (1994), The Mask of Zorro (1998), Behind Enemy Lines (2001), The Death and Life of Bobby Z (2007), Che: Part Two (2008) and The Burning Plain (2008). He has worked in Europe, Argentina, Mexico, the United States and Brazil in many film and stage productions, winning several international awards.

Joaquim de Almeida Movies

Joaquim de Almeida TV Shows

Joaquim de Almeida Videos

4:00

MIH: 'Missing' Exclusive Interviews

2:28

'Missing' Trailer

Latest News

The Next ‘Fast & Furious’ Movie is ‘Fast Forever’

Bob Persichetti and Justin K. Thompson Announced as ‘Beyond the Spider-Verse’ Directors

Movie Review: ‘Road House’

Netflix’s ‘Warrior Nun’ to Return Via Movies

Where To Watch 'Fast & Furious’ Film ‘Fast X’

Movie Review: ‘Fast X’

Joaquim de Almeida Quotes

A Bet Gone Hilariously Wrong in a Bar

Pick-up guy: This reminds me of a joke. This guy, he comes into a bar, walks up to the Bartender and says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you 300 dollars that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single solitary drop." The bartender says ... now one more time this glass is like a good ten feet away ... he says, "Now wait a minute. Let me get this straight. You're trying to tell me you're gonna bet me 300 dollars that YOU can piss standing over here waaay over there, into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" The guy looks up smiling and says, "That's right." The bartender says, "Young man you gotta bet!" The guy says, "Okay, here we go, here we go." He pulls out his thang. He's looking at the glass, man he's thinking about the glass, he's thinking about the glass, he thinks glass, he's thinking of the glass, think glass, thinking about his dick. Dick, glass. Dick, glass. Dick, glass. Be the glass. Dick, glass. Dick, glass. Dick, glass. And then SWOOOSH. He let's it rip! And he's ... he's pissin all over the place, man! He's pissin on the bar ... he's pissin on the stools, on the floor, on the phone ... on the bartender ... He's pissing everywhere EXCEPT the fucking glass! Right. Okay, so, bartender, he's laughing his fucking ass off, he's 300 dollars richer. He's like, "Ha Ha Ha Ha." Piss drippin off his face. "Ha Ha Ha Ha" He says, "You FUCKIN idiot, man. You pissed in everything EXCEPT the glass!! You owe me 300 dollars puta." And he goes, "Excuse me, just one, one second." Goes in the back of the bar, and in the back there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them ... comes back to the bar and goes, "Here you go Mr. Bartender, three." And the bartender's like, "WHAT the fuck are you so happy about, you just lost 300 dollars you idiot?!" The guy says, "Well, you see those guys over there. I just bet them 500 dollars APIECE, that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on YOU, and not only would you be not mad about it ... you'd be happy.

Short Bartender: Bad beer, bad service. Don't people know not to come in here?

Bucho: [customers enter a bar littered with corpses] Can't you people see that we are fucking closed?