Memorable Quotes from John Ales
2 quotesConsequences of Extreme Weight Loss Decisions
Buddy Love
I lost 300 pounds in 30 seconds! Thanks, Megashake!
[he took a megashake]
Jason
YOU TRICKED HIM!
[angrily; about Sherman]
Buddy Love
Oh, you damn right, hamster boy. I knew Sherman was gonna go soft on me. That can wreak havoc on a man's sex life. See, I've done some calculations of my own. If I drink 500 milliters of formula, I'll have enough cellular stability to be rid of Sherman's ass forever!
[laughs]
Jason
No. You drink that much formula at one time and it will kill you!
Buddy Love
If I drink it all at once, yes. If I drink half now and half later, that's completely safe. And at midnight, I don't have to worry about turning into no Klumpkin. Now if you don't mind, I have a date at the alumni ball, and you have a date with linoleum!
Jason
Who?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Tense Showdown Over a Dangerous Act
Buddy Love
Ladies and gentlemen, for my final demonstration: Look out, David Copperfield, I'm about to make a 400-pound fat man... disappear forever!
[produces a vial of serum]
Jason
NO-O-O-O-O-O!!! Wait! I cannot... let you do this... anymore! This... has got... to stop! This man is trying to kill Professor Sherman Klump!
[off-screen; enters the auditorium; angrily advances towards the stage; runs onto the stage; stands next to Buddy and points at him]
Cletus Klump
That's it, I'm glad I brought my knife.
[reaches into his pocket]
Anna Klump
Mm-hmm. And I got my razor.
[opens her purse]
Jason
Hand over the vial now.
[to Buddy]
Buddy Love
Oh, sure thing, hamster boy, but first, a short musical interlude.
[punches Jason, sending him flying into some trombones; the audience gasps]
Carla Purty
Buddy! What has gotten into you, and where is Sherman?
[angry]
Buddy Love
Sherman is gone, disappeared! And that's a pretty good trick for a man with an ass as big as his! Ooh, I'm late for an appointment. Ladies and gentlemen, say goodbye to Sherman Klump!
[more gasps; Anna and Cletus Klump both look at each other in confusion; his watch beeps; prepares to drink the vial, but Jason pops back up]
Jason
I hate being called "hamster boy".
[punches Buddy, causing him to drop the vial; the audience gasps again. He then clutches his fist in pain]
Buddy Love
You just don't know when to quit, do you? It's too late, fat boy. It's over! Let go! Let go!
[goes to punch Jason again, but Sherman's fist appears instead of his; the audience gasps once again; struggles to punch Jason; Sherman grabs Buddy's neck, choking him]
Anna Klump
My goodness!
Cletus Klump
Damn!
Buddy Love
Give it up, fat boy, it's over!
[still choking]
Sherman Klump
It ain't over till the fat professor sings!
[appears]
Anna Klump
Aah!
Buddy Love
Ohh, let go of my hand, you fat moth--
Sherman Klump
Say one more word, Buddy, I'll tear your arm off!
[threateningly]
Buddy Love
Time... we...take... Nestea... plunge!
[punches Sherman's stomach]
Anna Klump
Whoo!
[faints as Buddy Love punches Sherman 3 times; sobs]
Cletus Klump
We gon get the hell outta here in a second; it's okay.
Anna Clump
Aah!
Cletus Klump
Sweet Jesus!
Anna Klump
Sherman!
Buddy Love
SHERMAN, DON'T DO THIS! YOU NEED ME!!!!!
Sherman Klump
NO, I DON'T!
Buddy Love
YOU FATASS!
[slaps Sherman]
Sherman Klump
TINKERBELL!
[slaps Buddy]
Buddy Love
BLUBBERBUTT!
[slaps Sherman]
Sherman Klump
FEATHERWEIGHT!
[slaps Buddy]
Cletus Klump
Somebody better call an Exorcist!
Buddy Love
Sherman! SHERMAN! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME!!!!!
Cletus Klump
This is some scary shit!
Sherman Klump
YES, I, CAN!!!!!
[punches Buddy eight times]
Anna Klump
Sherman, come back here! Sherman!
[claps her hands]
Buddy Love
What's happenin to me?! Everything's gettin real dark! Oh! I feel real jiggly! I'm blubbifyin'! Sherman, you needed me; I taught you to be confident! You needed me, Sherman! Sherman! No matter what, no matter what... you got to strut.
[clutches his head]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.