John Ales

Buddy Love: [produces a vial of serum] Ladies and gentlemen, for my final demonstration: Look out, David Copperfield, I'm about to make a 400-pound fat man... disappear forever!

Jason: [off-screen; enters the auditorium; angrily advances towards the stage; runs onto the stage; stands next to Buddy and points at him] NO-O-O-O-O-O!!! Wait! I cannot... let you do this... anymore! This... has got... to stop! This man is trying to kill Professor Sherman Klump!

Cletus Klump: [reaches into his pocket] That's it, I'm glad I brought my knife.

Anna Klump: [opens her purse] Mm-hmm. And I got my razor.

Jason: [to Buddy] Hand over the vial now.

Buddy Love: [punches Jason, sending him flying into some trombones; the audience gasps] Oh, sure thing, hamster boy, but first, a short musical interlude.

Carla Purty: [angry] Buddy! What has gotten into you, and where is Sherman?

Buddy Love: [more gasps; Anna and Cletus Klump both look at each other in confusion; his watch beeps; prepares to drink the vial, but Jason pops back up] Sherman is gone, disappeared! And that's a pretty good trick for a man with an ass as big as his! Ooh, I'm late for an appointment. Ladies and gentlemen, say goodbye to Sherman Klump!

Jason: [punches Buddy, causing him to drop the vial; the audience gasps again. He then clutches his fist in pain] I hate being called "hamster boy".

Buddy Love: [goes to punch Jason again, but Sherman's fist appears instead of his; the audience gasps once again; struggles to punch Jason; Sherman grabs Buddy's neck, choking him] You just don't know when to quit, do you? It's too late, fat boy. It's over! Let go! Let go!

Anna Klump: My goodness!

Cletus Klump: Damn!

Buddy Love: [still choking] Give it up, fat boy, it's over!

Sherman Klump: [appears] It ain't over till the fat professor sings!

Anna Klump: Aah!

Buddy Love: Ohh, let go of my hand, you fat moth--

Sherman Klump: [threateningly] Say one more word, Buddy, I'll tear your arm off!

Buddy Love: [punches Sherman's stomach] Time... we...take... Nestea... plunge!

Anna Klump: [faints as Buddy Love punches Sherman 3 times; sobs] Whoo!

Cletus Klump: We gon get the hell outta here in a second; it's okay.

Anna Clump: Aah!

Cletus Klump: Sweet Jesus!

Anna Klump: Sherman!

Buddy Love: SHERMAN, DON'T DO THIS! YOU NEED ME!!!!!

Sherman Klump: NO, I DON'T!

Buddy Love: [slaps Sherman] YOU FATASS!

Sherman Klump: [slaps Buddy] TINKERBELL!

Buddy Love: [slaps Sherman] BLUBBERBUTT!

Sherman Klump: [slaps Buddy] FEATHERWEIGHT!

Cletus Klump: Somebody better call an Exorcist!

Buddy Love: Sherman! SHERMAN! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME!!!!!

Cletus Klump: This is some scary shit!

Sherman Klump: [punches Buddy eight times] YES, I, CAN!!!!!

Anna Klump: [claps her hands] Sherman, come back here! Sherman!

Buddy Love: [clutches his head] What's happenin to me?! Everything's gettin real dark! Oh! I feel real jiggly! I'm blubbifyin'! Sherman, you needed me; I taught you to be confident! You needed me, Sherman! Sherman! No matter what, no matter what... you got to strut.