John Lithgow Quotes

Towzer B.Z., this stuff can kill people!

B.Z. Are you going soft on me?

Tremblay You should be careful, Thomas. Your own ambition has not gone unnoticed. This might be seen as a tactic to blacken the name of a rival.

Lawrence Well that's a despicable accusation.

Tremblay Is it? I wonder, if you really are so reluctant to have the chalice passed to you. I shall pretend this conversation never took place.

Lawrence But it HAS taken place!

Roberta Muldoon They're not going to allow any men. A man killed her! They're very upset!

Dr. Vasili Orlov What was that all about?

Dr. Chandra I've erased all of HAL's memory from the moment the trouble started.

Dr. Vasili Orlov The 9000 series uses holographic memories, so chronological erasures would not work.

Dr. Chandra I made a tapeworm.

Dr. Walter Curnow You made a what?

Dr. Chandra It's a program that's fed into a system that will hunt down and destroy any desired memories.

Dr. Floyd Wait...do you know why HAL did what he did?

Dr. Chandra Yes. It wasn't his fault.

Dr. Floyd Whose fault was it?

Dr. Chandra Yours.

Dr. Floyd Mine?

Dr. Chandra Yours. In going through HAL's memory banks, I discovered his original orders. You wrote those orders. Discovery's mission to Jupiter was already in the advanced planning stages when the first small Monolith was found on the Moon, and sent its signal towards Jupiter. By direct presidential order, the existence of that Monolith was kept secret.

Dr. Floyd So?

Dr. Chandra So, as the function of the command crew - Bowman and Poole - was to get Discovery to its destination, it was decided that they should not be informed. The investigative team was trained separately, and placed in hibernation before the voyage began. Since HAL was capable of operating Discovery without human assistance, it was decided that he should be programmed to complete the mission autonomously in the event the crew was incapacitated or killed. He was given full knowledge of the true objective...and instructed not to reveal anything to Bowman or Poole. He was instructed to lie.

Dr. Floyd What are you talking about? I didn't authorize anyone to tell HAL about the Monolith!

Dr. Chandra Directive is NSC 342/23, top secret, January 30, 2001.

Dr. Floyd NSC... National Security Council, the White House.

Dr. Chandra I don't care who it is. The situation was in conflict with the basic purpose of HAL's design: The accurate processing of information without distortion or concealment. He became trapped. The technical term is an H. Moebius loop, which can happen in advanced computers with autonomous goal-seeking programs.

Dr. Walter Curnow The goddamn White House.

Dr. Floyd I don't believe it.

Dr. Chandra HAL was told to lie...by people who find it easy to lie. HAL doesn't know how, so he couldn't function. He became paranoid.

Dr. Floyd Those sons of bitches. I didn't know. I didn't know!

Charles Rodman Oh, he's a smart one, isn't he?

Parole Board Chairman Mr. Blake, what will you do if you get out of prison?

Earl Talbott Blake Well, I guess, Mr. Chairman, that first I'll pay a visit to your house.

Parole Board Chairman To thank me, I suppose?

Earl Talbott Blake No...to fuck your wife. And your daughter. Hell, maybe even your dog.

Nick Styles Jesus Christ.

Earl Talbott Blake Almost.

Cynthia What's going on?

Joe Huxley Those are ]!

Cynthia Like a test, sort of. Like a warning?

Joe Huxley They're on their way to ]. They take about 30 minutes to reach their targets.

Aldo So do theirs, right?

Earl Talbott Blake I'm gonna do something far worse than kill you. I'm gonna let you live.

Joe Huxley You know what ] said about ]? He said he didn't know how they would fight World War III, but he knew how they would fight World War IV: with sticks and stones.

Kurt Did you touch the thermostat, did you turn it up?

Don Well, of course not... did somebody fiddle with the thermostat?

Kurt Yes, it's 85°!

Don 85?

Kurt 85!

Don Do you have any idea how much even a few degrees can impact the gas bill?

Kurt Of course, I do, it's unthinkable!

Brad Dad, Kurt, what's going on in here? Why is it so hot?

Don Somebody fiddled with the thermostat!

Brad What? Who would do that?

Kurt What do you think you're doing?

Brad It's roasting in here!

Adrianna I like to sleep with my window open.

Kurt Hey, kid, are you allowed to touch the thermostat at your mom's house?

Adrianna Pfft, duh!

Dusty What is going on?

Brad Adrianna, she turned up the thermostat!

Kurt Said she fiddles with the thermostat at your house any time she damn well pleases.

Don Dusty, is that true? Tell me that's not true! Oh, criminy, Dusty. You might as well give her your wallet and your 401k while you're at it!

Kurt Brad, do you let the kids touch the thermostat at your house?

Brad What, no! The thermostat is a sacred covenant! I can't believe we're even talking about this! This is *madness*!

Smith Keen Didn't they also say they knew of no connection with the assassination?

Gray Grantham Yes. But what else are they gonna say?

Mark Lambert I'm not fucking with you.

Patch Don't you believe in Santa Claus?

B.Z. Why should I? He never brought me anything.

Patch That's because you were probably a naughty boy.

B.Z. Yes. I guess I was... no angel.

Rev. Shaw Moore And he is testing us! Every, every day, our Lord is testing us. If he wasn't testing us, how would you account for the sorry state of our society? For the crimes that plague the big cities of this country? When he could sweep this pestilence from the face of the earth with one mighty gesture of his hand. If our Lord wasn't testing us, how would you account for the proliferation these days of this obscene rock and roll music, with its gospel of easy sexuality and relaxed morality? If our Lord wasn't testing us, why, he could take all these pornographic books and albums, and turn them into one big fiery cinder like that! But how would that make us stronger for him? One of these days, my Lord is gonna come to me and ask me for an explanation for the lives of each and every one of you. And what am I gonna tell him on that day? That I was busy? That I was tired? That I was bored?! No!! I can never let up! I welcome his test! I welcome this challenge from my Lord so that one day I can deliver all of you unto his hands, and when that day dawns, I don't wanna have to do any explaining! I don't want to be missing from your lives!

Parole Board Official The parole board's ready, Blake. I hope you remembered to floss.

Earl Talbott Blake I did! With your wife's pubic hair!

Mark Lambert Why don't you go take a flying fuck?

Joe Huxley ] radio] This is Lawrence. This is Lawrence, Kansas. Is there anybody there? Anybody at all?

Earl Talbott Blake I mean, there we were, both of us... at the beginning of our careers. Then all of a sudden, one of us... took off! Lit up the sky like a meteor. And why? Because he met the other.

B.Z. When you've got a hit like we have, Patch, the people don't wanna wait a whole year, they're dying for a sequel! A sequel. That's it. We'll bring it out on March 25, and we'll call it... Christmas II!

Patch Christmas II?

George Henderson Sr. See? You're not the only artist in the family. How's that's for an arthritic old shooter, huh?

George Henderson What the hell did you do that for? It's my drawing! Why'd you change it?

George Henderson Sr. Cool down, George, it's just a piece of cardboard.

George Henderson Not to me. It means something to me! Can't you see that he means something to me?

George Henderson Sr. What the hell are you talking about?

George Henderson The hell with it! I quit!

George Henderson Sr. Over this? You can't quit! We're too busy! Hey, what the hell's the matter with you?

George Henderson I'm working with assholes.

Mark Lambert When I was 18, my father used to call me "numbnuts" and "dumbass".

Dr. Walter Curnow Look at it closely. Tell me I'm nuts. Are those cloud formations going toward the spot?

Dr. Floyd You're not nuts.

Dr. Vasili Orlov It looks like the thing is eating the planet.

Dr. Floyd I think it is.

Dr. Walter Curnow It's reproducing exactly like a virus!

Earl Talbott Blake Pork, back off or else she's gonna need a paper bag over her head when her boyfriend fucks what's left of her!

Joe Huxley Hello? Hello, is anybody there? Is anybody there? This is Lawrence. This is Lawrence, Kansas, is anybody there? This is Joe Huxley, I'm broadcasting out of the science building at the University of Kansas, is anybody there? I...have an atmosphere report for whoever's listening. Dr. Oakes...do you read? Come in, Dr. Oakes, do you hear me?

Dr. Russell Oakes Yes, Joe.

Joe Huxley We're holding fast at just a hair under...uh...fifty rads per hour. I thought that it would have diminished by now. I...I guess that means we're picking up a lot of fallout from...Titan missile bases in Wichita and wherever else...out west...that's way the wind blows. Straight towards St. Louis.

Dr. Russell Oakes Uh-huh. When will it be safe to move people to other buildings?

Joe Huxley ...it'll never be safe.

Dr. Russell Oakes Come on, Joe.

Joe Huxley ...wait till it gets down to under two rads an hour...if and when. You picked up anybody else on uh...on your end...?

Dr. Russell Oakes Not a soul...

Joe Huxley This is Lawrence. This is Lawrence, Kansas, is anybody there? Anybody at all...?

Rev. Shaw Moore I'm standing up here before you today with a very troubled heart. You see, my friends, I've always insisted on taking responsibility for your lives. But, I'm really like a first-time parent who makes mistakes and tries to learn from them. And like that parent I find myself at that moment when I have to decide. Do I hold on, or do I trust you to yourselves? Let go and hope that you've understood at least some of my lessons. If we don't start trusting our children how will they ever become trustworthy? I'm told that the senior class at the high school has got use of the warehouse in Bayson for the purpose of putting on a senior dance. Please join me to pray to the Lord... to guide them in their endeavors.

Tremblay You are responsible for this, I believe.

Lawrence : No, Eminence. You are.

Tremblay This report is entirely mendacious. It would never have seen the light of day if you had not broken into the Holy Father's to remove it!

Lawrence If the report is mendacious, then why did the Holy Father in his last official act as Pope ask you to resign?

Tremblay He did no such thing. As Monsignor Morales, who was at the meeting...

Lawrence And yet Archbishop Wozniak insists the Holy Father...

Tremblay The Holy Father, may his name be numbered among the high priests, was a sick man toward the end of his life, as those of us who saw him regularly can attest.

Earl Talbott Blake Look at his face! What do you think, Wanda?

Wanda Yeah, he's real pretty . All this S&M shit's going to cost you an extra two hundred dollars. Good.

Nick Styles Wait, stop...

Wanda Ah, I love it when men beg. Talk to me. Ohhh, I love you.

Nick Styles Will you set me free?

Wanda Whatever you want, Darling. Ahhh! See, your little mouth says no, but your little friend says yes.

Patch How will I tell everyone of my product?

B.Z. I have found the best forum for this world is television.

Patch Can we be seen on that?

B.Z. With enough money a horse in a hoop skirt can get on one of those things.

Patch I don't know much about money.

Patch One minute will suffice.

B.Z. Where will it be told?

Patch Pardon?

B.Z. Which country? Which channel?

Patch All of them!

Patch If you give extra kisses, you get bigger hugs".

B.Z. Sorry?

Patch That's what Santa's wife's always saying. Anyway, that's all the advertising you'll ever need.

B.Z. It better be. How many workers does this, uh, product require?

Patch Just me.

B.Z. What? No payroll?

Patch Well, my needs are small: a bowl of stew, heavy on the dill, a cold place to sleep--

B.Z. What will it cost?

Patch Cost? Cost whom?

B.Z. The people who...who buy the toy.

Patch Well, nothing; we're going to give them away free.

Patch Oh! Oh, that's fantastic! How do you make your face so red so fast?

B.Z. FOR FREE?!?!?!

Patch Well, that's how we do it at the North Pole--

B.Z WELL, THAT'S NOT HOW WE DO IT HERE, IN A FREE ENTERPRISE SYSTEM!!!

Dr. Walter Curnow You know what I miss? I miss green. Trees, and grass...I love green.

David Floyd I'd love a hot dog.

Dr. Walter Curnow The Astrodome. Good hot dogs.

Dr. Floyd The Astrodome? You can't boil good hot dogs indoors...Yankee Stadium, September. Hot dogs have been boiling since the opening day in April. That's a hot dog.

Dr. Walter Curnow Yellow mustard, or the darker one?

Dr. Floyd Darker.

Dr. Floyd Darker.

Dr. Walter Curnow You really think we're gonna get out of this alive?

Dr. Floyd We have a chance.

Dr. Walter Curnow A man of few words. I like it.

Charles Rodman It's okay. He didn't mean it.