Jonathan Winters Quotes

Russell And I give you my word. My wife wanted to stop for you, I wanted to stop for you, he wanted to stop for you. But tell him, tell him how my mother in-law made us drive right by him...

Lennie Pike Listen, anything you can say about your mother in law, you don't have to tell me! You know what I mean? It's like, if she were a star of a real crummy horror movie, I'd believe it!

Russell Whoa! Hey d-did ya see it, the way he went sailing right out there? He just went sailing right out there.

Melville Crump It was terrible, I m-a-mean just terrible. He musta been doin over eighty ya know.

Russell An ambulance - we better, we oughta call an ambulance.

Dingy Bell Oh...Oh look at that car.

Russell He went sailing right out there.

Dingy Bell How bout you doin ninety miles an hour?

Russell I wasn't doin - he was passin me.

Dingy Bell We weren't standin still when he passed us...

Russell I never saw such a crazy guy in my life!...

Lennie Pike Come on, let's get down there!

Russell W...We're gonna go down there, you stay in the car.

Emmeline Now Russell, be careful, remember your condition.

Mrs. Marcus Eh.

Russell Ooh, boy the way he just sailed out there.

Russell Here, take this and go hire us the best car you can find.

Lennie Pike But...this is a little girl's bike. This is for a little girl. Oh listen, I got to get this stuff back in so I can lock up the van.

Russell We'll put everything away. Will you get going please, will you hurry?

Lennie Pike Oh, okay...I gotta admit. I feel kinda silly. You know what I mean?

Lennie Pike So lets see, now, I got 1 share for being 1 person, 1 share for going down the hill, 1 share for the truck, and 1 share for being a person in the truck, but no matter how you figure it out, I still don't get as much as anybody else!

Melville Crump Let me explain once more. Them, their group, they, those 3, they get $112,000. Those over there, them, they get $97,000. We, we, us they get $84,000. And you, by yourself, you get $56,000, alone, and that's tax free money.

Lennie Pike What do you mean "tax free"?

Sylvester Mama, who's with you? Where are you talking to me? Where are you?

Mrs. Marcus I'm with this truck driver at Peterson's garage in a place called Plaster City! And will you just shut up a minute so I can tell you what happened?!

Sylvester Now listen, Mommy, you listen to me close. You stay right there, because I'm coming, Mom. I'm coming to get you right now, Mom.

Mrs. Marcus Will you shut up and listen?!

Sylvester Mama, it's all right. Everything's gonna be all right, Mama. Your baby's coming to get ya. You just sit there. Sit there, relax, take it easy.

Mrs. Marcus Sylvester-!

Sylvester I'm coming to get you, Mom!

Mrs. Marcus Shut up and let me talk-!

Sylvester Everything is gonna be all right!

Lennie Pike Well?

Mrs. Marcus So he's coming here. And I'm not to worry about a thing, because "everything is going to be all right". EXACTLY LIKE YOUR FATHER! A big, stupid, muscle-headed moron!

Smiler Grogan Look, there's this dough see. There's all this dough. Three hundred and fifty g's! Do you hear what I'm saying? Three hundred and fifty g's! In the park. Rosita. Rosita Beach State Park. Just south of Daygo in Santa Rosita. It's in this box, buried under this... ...buried under this big W. You'll see it! You'll see it under this big W. You can't miss it! A big, big, W! And it's been there. And it's been laying there for fifteen years! Watch out. Watch out for the bulls. Lousy, stinking bulls are everywhere. Bulls all over the place. You just drive down and dig it up. Dig it all up. And then - and then you fix yourselves all up. Fix yourselves all up. Walk down the street like a king, back to the old neighborhood. See the fellas, the dames - the dames, all with a big hello - a big hello for old Smiler. Good old Smiler, everybody's friend. Aunt Belle, I didn't mean to do it!

Lennie Pike Holy mackerel, take it easy, mister!

Russell Easy!

Smiler Grogan Please! Please say it don't make any difference, Aunt Belle! Please! You gotta say! You gotta tell me it don't make any difference!

Dingy Bell For heaven's sake, tell him.

Melville Crump It - It don't make any difference.

Lennie Pike That guy is dead. You better believe it.

Benjamin Oh, I believe it all right, but if he jumps up again like he did before, I'm gonna get the hell out of here.