Memorable Quotes from Kal Penn
30 quotesKumar's Inquiry About a Blumpkin
Kumar Patel
Dude, whats a blumpkin?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Kumar's Insight on Amsterdam's Legalities
Kumar Patel
Hey, Roldy, you do realize what's legal in Amsterdam, don't you?
[last line before the credits]
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Panic in a Life-or-Death Situation
Harold Lee
Fuck!
Kumar Patel
I don't wanna die!
Harold Lee
Kumar!
Kumar Patel
What?!
Harold Lee
I have the parachute! Come over here!
Kumar Patel
How the fuck am I supposed to do that?!
Harold Lee
Swim!
Kumar Patel
Holy shit! It's fucking working!
Kumar Patel
I love you, dude!
Kumar Patel
Oh, shit!
Harold Lee
Don't worry about him! I have an idea!
Kumar Patel
What?!
Ron Fox
FUCK YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!
[While falling to his death]
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Discussion of a Fast Food Location
White Bitch
Behold, my White Castle. (she points to a White Castle restaurant across from them)
Edward
White Castle? I think I've been there before.
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Celebrating a Successful Prank on Edward
Ashton Kutcher look-a-like
Yes! (jumps in with camera crew) Yes! You just got Punk'd! Yes! Yes! Yeah, he did it! He did it! C'mere, say it to the camera! Say it to the camera, come on, say it right there! (Edward stutters) Say it!
Edward
I-I just--I just got Punk'd.
Ashton Kutcher look-alike
Ah! Schwow!
Ashton Kutcher look-alike
(making exaggerated moves mocking Ashton Kutcher's "Punk'd" skits) Yeah! We just Punk'd Edward! Schwow! Schwow! Yeah! That was awesome! Yeah! Yes! This thing, up here, it's all me, baby! The trucker hat! That's awesome! I did it! You love it! You'll take it! Punk'd him!
Ashton Kutcher look-alike
*(gibbering excitedly still over the joke) Oh, my gosh, that was really funny! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! (continues gibbering)
Edward
(yelling in fury) Dude, you are so annoying! (Punches Ashton, knocking him down and shutting him up)
Ashton Kutcher look-alike
(gets up after a few seconds, resuming his gibberish and his crazy movements) But, oh, my gosh! That was really funny! (continues gibbering)
Edward
(keeps punching him; Ashton replies with a "Schwow!" with every punch, until Ashton falls over) Candy-ass trucker hat!
Ashton Kutcher look-alike
(flicks snow up at Edward in a childish manner) Schwow! Schwow....
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Reactions to Attraction
Kumar Patel
Dude, this chick is giving me such a boner. Its awesome!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Aging Wisdom on Chuck Norris
Edward
(in his old age) Chuck Norris rules.
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Identification of the White Barry
Taj Mahal Badalandabad
This is the White Barry.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Secret Ingredient in Candy Revealed
Willy
Children, do you wanna know what makes all my candy taste so special?
Edward
Uh-huh.
Willy
It's a special secret ingredient. It's real human parts! There's gonna be a little itty-bitty piece of each and every one of you inside of the yummy yum candy. Literally!
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Misunderstanding Names in a Humorous Encounter
Edward
Captain Morgan! I love your rum.
Captain Jack Swallows
No. Captain Jack Swallows at your service.
Edward
Jack Swallows? That's kind of gay, dude.
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Kumar's Disturbing Toothbrush Confession
Kumar Patel
You guys wanna know something real fucked up and awesome that I did? I took a Korean guy's toothbrush and I rubbed it all over my dick!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Introducing the Smokeless Bong
Kumar Patel
Meet the smokeless bong
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Prioritizing Weed Over Other Responsibilities
Kumar Patel
No can do man. I have to stay here and smoke this weed, otherwise I won't get high.
[Upon being asked to go to a Christmas Eve party]
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Kumar's Unfiltered Perspective on Attraction
Kumar Patel
So she's kinda fucking cute. Let her touch your penis.
[to Harold, about Cindy]
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Tattoo Mix-Up Leads to Humorous Confusion
Edward
I even got a tattoo with your name on it! (takes off his shirt, exposing what appears to be ]'s tattoo)
[[w:50 Cent|50 Cent]
White Bitch
That looks more like 50 Cent's tattoo, you idiot!
Edward
Shit! They did the wrong one!
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Defending a friend on Christmas Eve
Kumar Patel
Uh, miss, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to let you rape my friend on Christmas Eve.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Disturbing Observation About Personal Hygiene
Kumar Patel
His dick smells like shit dude!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Encounter with a Familiar Face
Edward
(as the White Bitch pulls up in her turbo sled) Whoa, Stifler's mom!
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Cultural Exploration and Humorous Ambitions
Taj Mahal Badalandabad
Tit! Oh mummy. Most Indians would say cow because they are sacred, but, I hear milk I think giant jugs. You see, I can not go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To-to-to smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby, you know? And get it waxed. You know, I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. You know, air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder.
[Van Wilder spits out his water]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lonely Numbers and the Search for Connection
Kumar Patel
I fear that I will always be / A lonely number like root three / A three is all that's good and right, / Why must my three keep out of sight / Beneath a vicious square root sign, / I wish instead I were a nine / For nine could thwart this evil trick, / with just some quick arithmetic / I know I'll never see the sum, as 1.7321 / Such is my reality, a sad irrationality / When hark! What is this I see, / Another square root of a three / Has quietly come waltzing by, / Together now we multiply / To form a number we prefer, / Rejoicing as an integer / We break free from our mortal bonds / And with a wave of magic wands / Our square root signs become unglued / And love for me has been renewed.
[Reciting the poem 'The Square Root of 3']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Skepticism in the Face of Doubt
Kumar Patel
Yeah, like anyone's gonna believe that.
['''Adrian:''' Also, I told her you work for the White House.]
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A Frustrated Outburst of Insults
Taj Mahal Badalandabad
You...you...you....you pussy ass mother fucker dick sucker!
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Unexpected Tension in a High-Stakes Situation
Ron Fox
Derek, can I get another water–? WHAT THE FUCK?! Keep your hands up!
[Turns around and sees Harold and Kumar getting ready to jump out of the cargo plane; Stands up and throws down the empty malt ball carton in rage, then pulls out a revolver and points it at Harold and Kumar]
Harold Lee
Please don't shoot!
Kumar Patel
Jesus Christ!
Harold Lee
Please don't shoot!
Kumar Patel
Okay, okay!
Ron Fox
It will be a cold day in hell before I let you hijack this plane.
Ron Fox
Beecher, what are you doing? Huh? Whose side are you on? I thought I told to stay in the cockpit!
[Takes off his headphones and throws them down on the floor]
John Beecher
Enough, Fox! I've had enough of your crap! You think that just because I'm smart, you can treat me like some dork in gym class? It's obvious these kids are innocent, but you're too dumb to realize that. You know, it's people like you who make the world think that Americans are stupid! WELL, WE'RE NOT STUPID!!! AND WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE!!! It's okay, guys. It's all over now. Everything's gonna be alright–
[Enraged; To Harold and Kumar]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Reaction to a Character's Appearance
Edward
* (unrated version) Whoa, MILF!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Power of Family Unity
Peter
We may not have the numbers on our side or the weapons she possesses, but we have something far more powerful.
Lucy
Perky breasts?
Peter
The strength of our family!
Edward
I'd follow you anywhere, brother.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstood Object in Critical Moment
Kumar Patel
Its not a bomb, its a bong
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conflict Among Friends in a Dire Situation
Edward
Because we're four kids nobody would ever miss, we'll be stuck here until we die.
Peter
Shut up, Edward, You're scaring her.
Edward
Don't tell me what to do! You're not my father!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unpleasant Odor Described by Kumar
Kumar Patel
Ugh, smells like burnt asshole.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration with the plot
Edward
Damn that ] plot!
[[w:Superman Returns|Superman]
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Confronting Racism and Personal Violation
Kumar Patel
You fucking pissed on me, you racist fuck!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.