Ken Berry Quotes

Willoughby Whitfield Uncle Alonzo, I've dropped by to talk to you man to man, so I can look you squarely in the eye. No, I'm wearing make-up because of a black eye. A girl hit me in the face with a boiled lobster the moment I mentioned your name. This same wonderful, intelligent, clear-sighted girl was able to convince me what kind of a person you really are. I do not hold with your scheme of cheating Mrs. Steinmetz out of her home so that you may build your concrete anthill on the spot where she has known so much happiness. Hm. I think you are despicable, greedy, grasping, and wholly without principle or pity. I also believe you are not a nice person. I am going back to Missouri now, so that you may no longer use me as a cat's paw! I bid you farewell, more in sorrow than in anger. Please do not send us any more fruit for Christmas.

Nicole Harris Well, he's got more stuff than I thought. Yeah, I'm sorry he's going too. All right, I'll see you later. Bye-bye.

Woman on P.A. Flight 38 for Las Vegas...

Willoughby Whitfield I tell you, Mother, you've never seen Uncle Alonzo in such a rage! He's probably having this airport watched right now. But he won't find me. I'm wearing a disguise. A disguise... A beard and a mustache. Yes, I know, Mother. I promised I wouldn't grow a beard when I left. Don't you understand? It isn't real. No, I will not go back and apologize to Uncle Alonzo! He is a greedy, unscrupulous, no-good, thieving, uh, uh, uh, coyote. Yes, thank you, miss. Oh! No, Mother, my asthma is not coming back. No, nothing's the matter with me. Everything is just fine now. This is the turning point of my life. Uncle Alonzo used to push me around and you were always telling me what to do. Then I met this perfectly wonderful girl. I was even afraid of her til now. I've just decided something. I am not going to be a rabbit anymore! Good-bye, Mother.

Willoughby Whitfield Please, Miss Harris, I can't believe Uncle Alonzo would do things like that.

Nicole Harris Wait a minute! "Uncle"? He's your uncle?!

Willoughby Whitfield Yes. That's what I've been trying to tell...

Nicole Harris You rotten spy!

Willoughby Whitfield Miss Harris, let's stop kidding ourselves, okay? This is just an ordinary little car. Like a million other ordinary, rather unattractive... Whoa!

Nicole Harris I don't think you should've said that. Herbie's very sensitive about his appearance!

Willoughby Whitfield All right, you've had your laugh. You ought to stop now.

Nicole Harris You won't get Herbie to stop until you say you're sorry.

Willoughby Whitfield Miss Harris, the thing that upsets me most about this whole thing is you trying to maintain the fiction about this... Whoa!

Nicole Harris Please, tell Herbie you're sorry.

Willoughby Whitfield All right, all right. Herbie, I'm sorry.

Nicole Harris Well, now, what d'you think?

Willoughby Whitfield I think you're a very good driver.

Nicole Harris You think it's a trick, don't you?!

Willoughby Whitfield We understand your position, Mrs. Steinmetz. That's why Mr. Hawk has authorized...

Grandma Steinmetz Don't tell me you're from Alonzo Hawk?!

Willoughby Whitfield Yes.

Grandma Steinmetz Oh, and you have such a nice face. Not at all like those ruffians he usually sends around!

Willoughby Whitfield But if you'll just look at the size of this check, Mrs. Steinmetz...

Willoughby Whitfield Yes, ma'am. What's a guru?