Bad Santa - Childhood Obsessions and Adult Desires
Sue:
I've always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn't notice. It's like some deep-seeded childhood thing.
Willie:
So is my thing for tits.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bad Santa - Santa's Job Described in Unconventional Terms
Sue:
You're pretty regular for a Santa.
Willie:
It's not that much of a big fucking deal. It's just a job, you know what I mean? I'm just an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santy Claus.
Sue:
Prove it.
Sue:
Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa!
Willie:
Can't I at least take this hat off?
Sue:
NO! I love the hat.
Willie:
Okay.
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The Pacifier - A New Direction for Murney's Talents
Claire Fletcher:
Looks like you have a hit on your hands.
Shane Wolfe:
You think so?
Claire Fletcher: [She and Shane chuckle]
Mm-hmm. You should take over the drama department instead of the wrestling team. It's gonna be nice having you around now. Now that Murney's found his true calling.
Murney: [singing]
Climb every mountain/Ford every stream…
Shane Wolfe:
It's gonna be my pleasure serving with you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Pacifier - Unexpected Teamwork in a Tense Moment
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Pacifier - Class Attendance and Responsibility Concerns
Shane Wolfe:
Okay, so she wrecked the Driver's Ed car. The insurance will pay for it.
Murney:
They were parallel parking when the instructor jumped from the car. But it's not about her. It's about the boy.
Shane Wolfe:
Has he been skipping class again?
Claire Fletcher:
Skipping class? He always skips sixth period, but...
Murney:
All right, Seth! Okay, take off the hat.
Shane Wolfe:
Go ahead.
Murney: [holds up a Nazi armband, part of Seth's "Young Rolf" costume]
Look at that. That's how he showed up for practice today. And that's not all. I was doing a little recon in his locker and I found this, okay? Now if it was a girlie magazine or a hamster, fine. Boys will be boys. But this is sick.
Shane Wolfe:
All right, he dyed his hair. He's not a Nazi.
Claire Fletcher: [bell rings]
This is not normal. We're very concerned. All right, kids, why don't you get back to class? Mr. Murney, would you give me a minute? Look, I'm sure this is about their father. We've tried to get Seth and Zoe to talk to the school psychologist, but they won't. Maybe you can get through to them and see what's going on?
Shane Wolfe:
I'll talk to them and see what I can do.
Claire Fletcher:
Thanks.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Pacifier - Consequences of Responsibility and Humor
Shane Wolfe:
Got them here. My fault.
Murney:
Yeah, I always said these kids needed a parole officer. I guess Mrs. Plummer thought so too, huh? Wow, you got a real upper torso going on, huh? You ever do any time?
Seth: [low]
Sasquatch.
Murney:
You got something to say, boy?
Seth:
No.
Murney:
No? Good. Wow, it looks like you have a pair of legs coming out of your shoulders. You hit the gym a lot, do you?
Shane Wolfe:
Eh.
Seth: [low tone]
Woolly mammoth.
Murney:
All right, you know what, Creeper? You just bought yourself an extra 15 minutes on the mats with the Murninator!
Shane Wolfe:
Excuse me. Lieutenant Shane Wolfe. I'm watching the kids for the Plummers, a few days.
Murney:
Oh, babysitter, huh? Well, good, whatever job you can get, right? I'm Murney, Dwayne Murney. My friends call me "Little Puppet". I'm the VP here. I'm in charge of discipline, conduct and truancy from top to bottom, K through 12. You're in my house now, strong man.
Shane Wolfe:
You're the vice principal.
Murney:
And the wrestling coach. See the Creeper over there? He has played hooky from every wrestling practice this month. And her, she has missed 22 Driver's Ed classes out of 23! These are the worst students in my school. I'm ashamed of...
Claire Fletcher: [clears throat]
Your school? Good morning, kids. Mr. Murney, thank you so much for watching my chair for me. I'll take it from here.
Murney:
Roger that. Absolutely. I was just informing our new friend here about some of the duties as vice principal.
Claire Fletcher:
Yes, and speaking of which, how's it going with the investigation into the baloney slices on the cafeteria ceiling?
Murney:
Oh, that's been taking some interesting turns.
Claire Fletcher:
You just keep up the good work.
Murney:
Right then. I'll be on the roof.
Claire Fletcher:
Bye, now. All right, kids, I think it's time to get back to class. I'll cut you some slack seeing as it's Lieutenant Wolfe's first day. Thank you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.