Madeline Kahn Quotes

Betty Well, it's been awhile since we had a little cuddle.

Yellowbeard I raped ya, if that's what you mean.

Betty Okay. It was half-cuddle, half-rape.

Lili von Shtupp Tell me, schatze, is it twue what they say about the way you people are... gifted? Oh, it's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue!

Bart I hate to disappoint you, ma'am, but you're suckin on my arm!

Lili von Shtupp Hey there, handsome. Is that a ten-gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?

Betty If there's one thing I've learned, it's learning things never taught me nuthin'. And books is the worst.

Lili von Shtupp Come on, Lamarr, let's get down to bwass tacks.

Eunice Burns Why, those are Howard's. What on Earth are you doing with Howard Bannister's rocks?

Lili von Shtupp Why don't you, uh...loosen your bullets?

Yellowbeard Where's the map?

Betty What map?

Yellowbeard If you say you don't know where it is, I'll nail your tits to the table!

Lili von Shtupp A wed wose... how womantic.

Inspector Kemp A riot is an ungly thingk...undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

Elizabeth Oh. Where you going?...Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. You better keep your mouth shut! Oh...I think I love him.

Trixie Delight I just don't understand it, Daddy, but this little baby has got to go winky tinky all the time.

Moses Pray Well, don't you worry none. We'll just plan on stoppin here for dinner.

Addie Loggins But we just stopped for her to winky tink at lunch!

Moses Pray That's right and now we're stoppin for dinner. Come on!

Addie Loggins I ain't hungry!

Commander Clement What happened?

Betty Plague!

Commander Clement Plague?

Betty All sudden like! Lucky I was out.

Commander Clement That man's got a sword in him!

Betty He fell on it.

Lili von Shtupp Willkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome, C'mon in.

Betty Stagger, stagger, crawl, crawl, jump...

Eunice Burns Don’t you know the meaning of propriety?

Wadsworth You were jealous that your husband was schtupping Yvette. That's why you killed him, too.

Mrs. White Yes. Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her, so much...it flames, flames on the side of my face, breathing, heaving breaths, heaving...

Mrs. White Are you a cop?

Mr. Green No, I'm a plant.

Ms. Scarlet A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.

Mr. Green Very funny. FBI. That call from J. Edgar Hoover was for me. I told you I didn't do it!

Chief All right, who done it?

Mr. Green They all did it! But if you wanna know who killed Mr. Boddy, I did, in the hall, with the revolver. Okay, Chief, take em away. I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife.

Professor Plum It must've been Mr. Green who shot the singing telegram!

Mr. Green I didn't do it!

Col. Mustard Well, there's nobody else left!

Mr. Green But I didn't do it! The gun is missing! Whoever's got the gun shot the girl!

Wadsworth I shot her.

Col. Mustard, Mrs. Peacock, Mrs. White, Ms. Scarlet, Prof. Plum You?!

Mr. Green So it was you. I was going to expose you.

Wadsworth I know. So I choose to expose myself.

Col. Mustard Please! There are ladies present.

Wadsworth You thought Mr. Boddy was dead, but why? None of you even met him until tonight.

Mr. Green You're Mr. Boddy!

Prof. Plum Wait a minute! So who did I kill?

Wadsworth My butler.

Prof. Plum Oh, shucks.

Wadsworth He was expendable, like all of you. I'm grateful to you all for disposing of my network of spies and informers. Saved me a lot of trouble. Now there's no evidence against me.

Mrs. White This all has nothing to do with my disappearing nuclear physicist husband or Colonel Mustard's work on the new top secret fusion bomb?

Wadsworth No. Communism is just a red herring.

Mr. Green But the police will be here any minute. You'll never get away with this, any of you.

Wadsworth Why should the police come? Nobody's called them.

Mrs. Peacock You mean-- Oh, my God! Of course!

Wadsworth So why shouldn't we get away with it? We'll stack the bodies in the cellar, lock it, leave quietly one at a time, and forget that any of this ever happened.

Mr. Green And you'll just- just go on blackmailing us all.

Wadsworth Of course. Why not?

Mr. Green Well, I'll tell you why not.

Wadsworth Oh, good shot, Green! And very good.

Lili von Shtupp Let's face it. Everything below the waist is kaputt!

Betty I'm talking about the fruit of your loins.

Yellowbeard Fruit of me loins? I haven't got fruit in me loins! Lice, yes, and proud of em, but no fruit!

Wadsworth Mrs. White, you've been paying our friend, the blackmailer, ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances?

Miss Scarlet Ah!

Mrs. White Why is that funny?

Miss Scarlet I see! That's why he was lying on his back, in his coffin.

Mrs. White I didn't kill him.

Col. Mustard Then why are you paying the blackmailer?

Mrs. White I don't want a scandal, do I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation. He was deranged. A lunatic. He didn't actually seem to like me very much; he had threatened to kill me in public.

Miss Scarlet Why would he wanna kill you in public?

Wadsworth I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.

Miss Scarlet Oh. Was that his final word on the matter?

Mrs. White Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?

Wadsworth And yet, he was the one who died, not you, Mrs. White, not you!

Miss Scarlet What did he do for a living?

Mrs. White He was a scientist. Nuclear physics.

Miss Scarlet What was he like?

Mrs. White He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died, but, he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off, and so had his, uh, you *know*. I had been out all evening at the movies.

Miss Scarlet Do you miss him?

Mrs. White Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life.

Wadsworth But, he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.

Mrs. White But that was his job. He was an illusionist.

Wadsworth But he never reappeared!

Mrs. White He wasn't a very good illusionist.

Col. Mustard Wadsworth, am I right in thinking there's nobody else in this house?

Wadsworth Um... no.

Col. Mustard Then there is someone else in this house?

Wadsworth Sorry, I said "no" meaning "yes.

Col. Mustard No" meaning "yes?" Look, I want a straight answer, is there someone else, or isn't there, yes, or no?

Wadsworth No.

Col. Mustard No there is, or no there isn't?

Wadsworth Yes.

Mrs. White PLEASE! Don't you think we should get that man out of the house before he finds out what's been going on here!

Miss Scarlet Yeah!

Professor Plum How can we throw him outside in this weather?

Miss Scarlet If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious!

Professor Plum If we throw him out, he may get even more suspicious!

Col. Mustard If I were him, I'd be suspicious already!

Mrs. Peacock Oh, who cares? That guy doesn't matter! Let him stay locked up for another half an hour. The police will be here by then... and there are two dead bodies in the study!

All Shhhhhhhhhhh!

Col. Mustard Well, there is still some confusion as to whether or not there is anybody else in this house!

Wadsworth I told you, there isn't.

Col. Mustard There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anybody else?

Wadsworth Either! Or both.

Col. Mustard Just give me a clear answer!

Wadsworth Certainly! What was the question?

Col. Mustard Is there anybody else in this house?

All No!

Eunice Burns Don't kick those rocks, you Philistine!

Lili von Shtupp Tell me, "Tex ma'am", are you in show business? Well then why don't you get your fwiggin feet off the stage!

Moses Pray Come on, we're ready. Come on, now.

Addie Loggins I ain't ready.

Moses Pray Well, you don't look real busy with nothing, so you just come on down.

Addie Loggins I ain't coming.

Moses Pray Now you listen here, child.

Addie Loggins No, I won't listen here.

Moses Pray What the heck's up with you, then?

Addie Loggins I wanna sit in front. And how come we ain't working no more?

Moses Pray Cause we're on vacation, that's why. And Miss Delight and me are sitting in front because we are two grown-ups, and that's where grown-ups do the sitting. And little children do not tell grown-ups what to do with their lives, you understand that?

Addie Loggins Well, she ain't my grown-up, and I ain't planning no more to sit in the back. Not for no cow.

Moses Pray Will you keep your voice down. And Miss Delight ain't no cow. She's a proper woman. She has a high school diploma, and right now she's got to go to the bathroom, so you just get on down to the car.

Addie Loggins She always has to go to the bathroom. She must have a bladder the size of a peanut. Well I ain't getting back in the car. Not til she gets out of it.

Trixie Delight Hey, what's up, kiddo? Daddy says you're wearin a sad face. Ain't good to have a sad face. Hey! Hey! How'd you like a coloring book? Would you like that? You like Mickey the Mouse? Oh, son of a bitch!

Trixie Delight Kiddo, I understand how you feel. But you don't have to worry. One of these days you're gonna be just as pretty as Mademoiselle. Maybe prettier. You already got bone structure. When I was your age I didn't have no bone structure. Took me years to get bone structure. And don't think bone structure's not important. Nobody started to call me "Mademoiselle" til I was seventeen and getting a little bone structure. When I was your age, I was skinnier than a pole. I never thought I'd have nothin up here. You're gonna have em up there too. Look, I'll tell you what. Want me to show you how to use cosmetics? Look, I'll let you put on my earrings. You're gonna see how pretty you're gonna be. And I'll show you how to make up your eyes. And your lips. And I'll see to it you get a little bra or somethin'. But right now, you're gonna pick your little ass up, you're gonna drop it in the back seat, and you're gonna cut out the crap! You understand? You're going to ruin it, ain't ya? Look, I don't wanna wipe you out. And I don't want you wipin me out, you know? So, I'm gonna level with you, okay? Now, you see with me it's just a matter of time. I don't know why, but somehow I just don't manage to hold on real long. So, if you wait it out a little it'll be over, you know? I mean, even if I want a fella, somehow or other I manage to get it screwed up. Maybe I'll get a new pair of shoes, a nice dress, a few laughs. Times are hard. Now, if you fool around on the hill up here, then you don't get nothin', I don't get nothin', he don't get nothin'. So, how bout it, honey? Just for a little while, let ol Trixie sit up front with her big tits.