Madeline KahnQuotes

Betty: Well, it's been awhile since we had a little cuddle.

Yellowbeard: I raped ya, if that's what you mean.

Betty: Okay. It was half-cuddle, half-rape.

Commander Clement: [about pile of dead bodies] What happened?

Betty: Plague!

Commander Clement: Plague?

Betty: All sudden like! Lucky I was out.

Commander Clement: That man's got a sword in him!

Betty: He fell on it.

Yellowbeard: Where's the map?

Betty: What map?

Yellowbeard: If you say you don't know where it is, I'll nail your tits to the table!

Betty: I'm talking about the fruit of your loins.

Yellowbeard: Fruit of me loins? I haven't got fruit in me loins! Lice, yes, and proud of em, but no fruit!

Betty: [recreating the path to where the treasure is buried] Stagger, stagger, crawl, crawl, jump...

Betty: If there's one thing I've learned, it's learning things never taught me nuthin'. And books is the worst.

Eunice Burns: Don’t you know the meaning of propriety?

Eunice Burns: Don't kick those rocks, you Philistine!

Eunice Burns: Why, those are Howard's. What on Earth are you doing with Howard Bannister's rocks?

Mrs. White: Are you a cop?

Mr. Green: No, I'm a plant.

Ms. Scarlet: A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.

Mr. Green: [displays a badge in his wallet; heads to the front door] Very funny. FBI. That call from J. Edgar Hoover was for me. I told you I didn't do it!

Chief: All right, who done it?

Mr. Green: They all did it! But if you wanna know who killed Mr. Boddy, I did, in the hall, with the revolver. Okay, Chief, take em away. I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife.

Professor Plum: It must've been Mr. Green who shot the singing telegram!

Mr. Green: I didn't do it!

Col. Mustard: Well, there's nobody else left!

Mr. Green: But I didn't do it! The gun is missing! Whoever's got the gun shot the girl!

Wadsworth: I shot her.

Col. Mustard, Mrs. Peacock, Mrs. White, Ms. Scarlet, Prof. Plum: You?!

Mr. Green: So it was you. I was going to expose you.

Wadsworth: I know. So I choose to expose myself.

Col. Mustard: Please! There are ladies present.

Wadsworth: You thought Mr. Boddy was dead, but why? None of you even met him until tonight.

Mr. Green: You're Mr. Boddy!

Prof. Plum: Wait a minute! So who did I kill?

Wadsworth: My butler.

Prof. Plum: Oh, shucks.

Wadsworth: He was expendable, like all of you. I'm grateful to you all for disposing of my network of spies and informers. Saved me a lot of trouble. Now there's no evidence against me.

Mrs. White: This all has nothing to do with my disappearing nuclear physicist husband or Colonel Mustard's work on the new top secret fusion bomb?

Wadsworth: No. Communism is just a red herring.

Mr. Green: But the police will be here any minute. You'll never get away with this, any of you.

Wadsworth: Why should the police come? Nobody's called them.

Mrs. Peacock: You mean-- Oh, my God! Of course!

Wadsworth: So why shouldn't we get away with it? We'll stack the bodies in the cellar, lock it, leave quietly one at a time, and forget that any of this ever happened.

Mr. Green: And you'll just- just go on blackmailing us all.

Wadsworth: Of course. Why not?

Mr. Green: Well, I'll tell you why not.

Wadsworth: [slumps to the floor, reaches a hand inside his coat, and looks at the blood on his fingers; He dies] Oh, good shot, Green! And very good.

Wadsworth: You were jealous that your husband was schtupping Yvette. That's why you killed him, too.

Mrs. White: Yes. Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her, so much...it flames, flames on the side of my face, breathing, heaving breaths, heaving...

Wadsworth: Mrs. White, you've been paying our friend, the blackmailer, ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances?

Miss Scarlet: [laughs] Ah!

Mrs. White: Why is that funny?

Miss Scarlet: I see! That's why he was lying on his back, in his coffin.

Mrs. White: I didn't kill him.

Col. Mustard: Then why are you paying the blackmailer?

Mrs. White: I don't want a scandal, do I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation. He was deranged. A lunatic. He didn't actually seem to like me very much; he had threatened to kill me in public.

Miss Scarlet: Why would he wanna kill you in public?

Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.

Miss Scarlet: Oh. Was that his final word on the matter?

Mrs. White: Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?

Wadsworth: And yet, he was the one who died, not you, Mrs. White, not you!

Miss Scarlet: What did he do for a living?

Mrs. White: He was a scientist. Nuclear physics.

Miss Scarlet: What was he like?

Mrs. White: [Colonel Mustard, Professor Plum, and Mr. Green cross legs] He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died, but, he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off, and so had his, uh, you *know*. I had been out all evening at the movies.

Miss Scarlet: Do you miss him?

Mrs. White: Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life.

Wadsworth: But, he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.

Mrs. White: But that was his job. He was an illusionist.

Wadsworth: But he never reappeared!

Mrs. White: [admittedly] He wasn't a very good illusionist.

Col. Mustard: Wadsworth, am I right in thinking there's nobody else in this house?

Wadsworth: Um... no.

Col. Mustard: Then there is someone else in this house?

Wadsworth: Sorry, I said "no" meaning "yes.

Col. Mustard: No" meaning "yes?" Look, I want a straight answer, is there someone else, or isn't there, yes, or no?

Wadsworth: No.

Col. Mustard: No there is, or no there isn't?

Wadsworth: Yes.

Mrs. White: [Smashes glass on fireplace] PLEASE! Don't you think we should get that man out of the house before he finds out what's been going on here!

Miss Scarlet: Yeah!

Professor Plum: How can we throw him outside in this weather?

Miss Scarlet: If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious!

Professor Plum: If we throw him out, he may get even more suspicious!

Col. Mustard: If I were him, I'd be suspicious already!

Mrs. Peacock: [hysterical] Oh, who cares? That guy doesn't matter! Let him stay locked up for another half an hour. The police will be here by then... and there are two dead bodies in the study!

All: Shhhhhhhhhhh!

Col. Mustard: Well, there is still some confusion as to whether or not there is anybody else in this house!

Wadsworth: I told you, there isn't.

Col. Mustard: There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anybody else?

Wadsworth: Either! Or both.

Col. Mustard: Just give me a clear answer!

Wadsworth: [clears throat] Certainly! What was the question?

Col. Mustard: [shouting] Is there anybody else in this house?

All: [shouting] No!

Lili von Shtupp: [sound of zipper opening] Tell me, schatze, is it twue what they say about the way you people are... gifted? Oh, it's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue!

Bart: I hate to disappoint you, ma'am, but you're suckin on my arm!

Lili von Shtupp: A wed wose... how womantic.

Lili von Shtupp: Tell me, "Tex ma'am", are you in show business? Well then why don't you get your fwiggin feet off the stage!

Lili von Shtupp: Let's face it. Everything below the waist is kaputt!

Lili von Shtupp: Why don't you, uh...loosen your bullets?

Lili von Shtupp: Hey there, handsome. Is that a ten-gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?

Lili von Shtupp: Come on, Lamarr, let's get down to bwass tacks.

Lili von Shtupp: Willkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome, C'mon in.

Moses Pray: Come on, we're ready. Come on, now.

Addie Loggins: I ain't ready.

Moses Pray: Well, you don't look real busy with nothing, so you just come on down.

Addie Loggins: I ain't coming.

Moses Pray: Now you listen here, child.

Addie Loggins: No, I won't listen here.

Moses Pray: What the heck's up with you, then?

Addie Loggins: I wanna sit in front. And how come we ain't working no more?

Moses Pray: Cause we're on vacation, that's why. And Miss Delight and me are sitting in front because we are two grown-ups, and that's where grown-ups do the sitting. And little children do not tell grown-ups what to do with their lives, you understand that?

Addie Loggins: Well, she ain't my grown-up, and I ain't planning no more to sit in the back. Not for no cow.

Moses Pray: Will you keep your voice down. And Miss Delight ain't no cow. She's a proper woman. She has a high school diploma, and right now she's got to go to the bathroom, so you just get on down to the car.

Addie Loggins: She always has to go to the bathroom. She must have a bladder the size of a peanut. Well I ain't getting back in the car. Not til she gets out of it.

Trixie Delight: [making her way up the hill; Trixie trips and falls] Hey, what's up, kiddo? Daddy says you're wearin a sad face. Ain't good to have a sad face. Hey! Hey! How'd you like a coloring book? Would you like that? You like Mickey the Mouse? Oh, son of a bitch!

Trixie Delight: [Pointing to her chest; Pulls off earrings and holds them in palm; Turns around, starts to walk away, then turns back around] Kiddo, I understand how you feel. But you don't have to worry. One of these days you're gonna be just as pretty as Mademoiselle. Maybe prettier. You already got bone structure. When I was your age I didn't have no bone structure. Took me years to get bone structure. And don't think bone structure's not important. Nobody started to call me "Mademoiselle" til I was seventeen and getting a little bone structure. When I was your age, I was skinnier than a pole. I never thought I'd have nothin up here. You're gonna have em up there too. Look, I'll tell you what. Want me to show you how to use cosmetics? Look, I'll let you put on my earrings. You're gonna see how pretty you're gonna be. And I'll show you how to make up your eyes. And your lips. And I'll see to it you get a little bra or somethin'. But right now, you're gonna pick your little ass up, you're gonna drop it in the back seat, and you're gonna cut out the crap! You understand? You're going to ruin it, ain't ya? Look, I don't wanna wipe you out. And I don't want you wipin me out, you know? So, I'm gonna level with you, okay? Now, you see with me it's just a matter of time. I don't know why, but somehow I just don't manage to hold on real long. So, if you wait it out a little it'll be over, you know? I mean, even if I want a fella, somehow or other I manage to get it screwed up. Maybe I'll get a new pair of shoes, a nice dress, a few laughs. Times are hard. Now, if you fool around on the hill up here, then you don't get nothin', I don't get nothin', he don't get nothin'. So, how bout it, honey? Just for a little while, let ol Trixie sit up front with her big tits.

Trixie Delight: I just don't understand it, Daddy, but this little baby has got to go winky tinky all the time.

Moses Pray: Well, don't you worry none. We'll just plan on stoppin here for dinner.

Addie Loggins: [furious] But we just stopped for her to winky tink at lunch!

Moses Pray: That's right and now we're stoppin for dinner. Come on!

Addie Loggins: I ain't hungry!

Inspector Kemp: A riot is an ungly thingk...undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

Elizabeth: [After they had sex, the Monster hears the violin, and follows it; to herself] Oh. Where you going?...Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. You better keep your mouth shut! Oh...I think I love him.