Mike FaistQuotes

Patrick Zweig: Can you do me a favor?

Patrick Zweig: [''Echoing Art from when they were teenagers''] can you not, like, demolish me?

Patrick Zweig: Congrats on being a Phil's Tire Town Challenger finalist.

Art Donaldson: [''Gets up and starts to leave''] Yeah. You too.

Patrick Zweig: Art. Come on. Can we talk?

Art Donaldson: Can you put your dick away?

Patrick Zweig: This is a sauna.

Art Donaldson: What do you want to talk about?

Patrick Zweig: [''Art is silent''] We've been here for a week, and we haven't said two words to each other. I don't want to go into the match tomorrow feeling like this. It's just silly, man. It's dramatic. I mean, really, why are you still so angry with me?

Art Donaldson: That's a serious question?

Patrick Zweig: I don't buy that it's because of Tashi. Or, I don't think it's because of what happened to her. I think maybe you're still just pissed off that she and I used to be together at all. Maybe you're just really disturbed by the fact that she could be into someone like me.

Art Donaldson: When we were teenagers.

Patrick Zweig: Right. When we were teenagers.

Art Donaldson: You're right. I do find it disturbing.

Patrick Zweig: [laughs] Well, there's no need, man. Lots of girls were into me. None of them wanted to marry me. That's not what I was for.

Art Donaldson: [''Patrick is silent and Art glances down at Patrick's crotch who smiles and finally covers it with the towel''] What were you for? Honestly, I thought you'd be happy that I was in the draw. You've always wanted to beat me at a tournament, haven't you? Especially the week before the Open. It's the perfect confidence booster. I know what you're trying to do right now...

Patrick Zweig: [''Laughs''] I'm not trying to do anything. This is a challenger. I don't have to play mind games with you.

Art Donaldson: Right. You don't give a shit.

Patrick Zweig: I didn't say that.

Art Donaldson: We both know you have considerably more at stake here than I do.

Patrick Zweig: Do I?

Art Donaldson: Where do you get your swagger from? I mean, I understood it when we were kids -- you were hot shit: you could beat us all with your eyes closed -- but how are you still walking around like the world owes you something? You're 33 years old, your career's in the toilet, you're broke, nobody knows who the you are, and you walk in here swinging your dick around like I'm supposed to be afraid of it, but all I see is a naked little boy who's still screaming about winning the Junior US Open. Do you understand how embarrassing it is that you're here?

Patrick Zweig: Not quite as embarrassing as you being here.

Art Donaldson: I'm just stopping by, man. This is where you live. And it's almost certainly where you're gonna die.

Patrick Zweig: Listen, Art, I...

Art Donaldson: I've always tried to figure out what happened to you, but the more I think about it, the more I realize it's about what didn't happen. You didn't grow up. You still think we're seventeen. And now you still want me to be impressed with the fact that my wife liked you when she was a girl, but why would I give a shit about that? And why the fuck would I give a shit about what happens tomorrow? It's just practice for me, Patrick. Do you understand that? I mean, maybe you're playing for something else, but I'm just here working on my forehand. I'm just using you to get warmed up for a chance to win the Open, because it's the one thing in tennis I haven't done already.

Patrick Zweig: You've never beaten me.

Art Donaldson: [''Laughs''] So what? This is a game about winning the points that matter. You beating me is a nice story for you to tell people when you're giving them tennis lessons, but I guarantee you the thing they'll all be the most excited about is that you met me at all. They'll ask you what I'm like. They'll ask you if I'm nice. They'll ask you if we were friends. And then they'll ask you how I did it. They'll ask you And You one have to tucking clue what to tell them. I mean, I could try to explain it to you, but the to knows that yet want to cele want telling yourself whatever worthless stories you've been telling yourself about why our lives have turned out the way they have. And even if you did want to know, I couldn't possibly explain it to you in a language you'll understand, because the thing you learn when you've been operating at my level for as long as I have is that it's so fucking lonely to win this much. Nobody gets it. But everyone on Earth gets what it's like to be you. The reason why they're sending a camera crew from ESPN to cover a fucking challenger tomorrow is that people like looking at my face on TV because they think it might help them solve the mystery of how I have what I have. But you're getting your own personal close up right now, so you should understand better than anybody: there is no fucking mystery -- you just can't have it.

Patrick Zweig: [''Patrick laughs''] I just wanted to come in here to wish you luck, Art.

Art Donaldson: That makes no sense.

Patrick Zweig: I wanted to tell you that I'm looking forward to it. I miss playing with you.

Art Donaldson: Oh yeah? I don't miss playing with you... I'm too old for it.

Tashi Donaldson: Think you might be the worst friend in the world.

Art Donaldson: Maybe.

Tashi Donaldson: Definitely. Thank you... for lunch, Art.

Patrick Zweig: I don't matter?

Art Donaldson: Not even to the most obsessive tennis fan in the world.

Patrick Zweig: We're not talking about tennis.

Art Donaldson: What the fuck else do I have to talk to you about?

Tashi Donaldson: How often does this happen? Going after the same girl?

Patrick Zweig: Not as often as you'd think.

Art Donaldson: We usually have different types.

Tashi Donaldson: So you're saying I should be flattered?

Art Donaldson: Aren't you everybody's type?

Art Donaldson: Remember when you said you'd let me win?

Patrick Zweig: [''Art stands up with a full-on erection''] That was a lifetime ago.

Art Donaldson: What about my grandmother?

Patrick Zweig: [''Slapping Art's erection''] I hope she has a fucking stroke.

Patrick Zweig: [[w:facebook|on Facebook] Wait, are you ]?

Tashi Donaldson: What?

Art Donaldson: He's asking for your number. And so am I.

Patrick Zweig: I think maybe you're disturbed by the fact that she could've been with someone like me.

Art Donaldson: When we were teenagers.

Patrick Zweig: [''Smiles''] Huh. When we were teenagers.

Tony: You don't need me helping you screw up your life.

Riff: You know how I get. I will start running my mouth. You got command. You are West Side legendary! And, Tony. Tony, the Jets. I gave them my word you'd show.