Nate Torrence Quotes

She's Out of My League

Lunch Plans and Family Concerns

Kirk She is coming to lunch with my parents on Sunday.

Stainer That takes care of that, 20 minutes with your family and she will file a restraining order. We're safe.

Devon Hey did she say anything about Wendy? You know... like about me?

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She's Out of My League

A Conversation About Time and Relationships

Kirk Marnie, I know that we agreed to take some time off and I think that was a great idea. My God. Gave us both a chance to experiment, if you will, and meet all sorts of new and interesting, different people. You did quite a bit more experimenting than I did. A lot more experimenting. You are like a scientist. Beakers... But obviously I'm cool with that, because the thing is, I think, we're stronger as a result. But here's the thing, Marnie... it's been two years. That's a lot of time off. And I'm ready for some time on. I miss you. I miss us. I got something for you. What do you think?

[pulls out earring box; to his friends]

Stainer Aww, man. It's depressing. I mean, it's really depressing. It's horrible to watch you like this.

Devon I think it's really pretty. How's it work? Oh...

[opens box]

Jack What the hell is that?

Kirk I got it for Valentine's Day, right before she broke up with me. Stainer, I know you don't like her very much.

Stainer No, no. I hate her. In fact, the day that you broke up with her, I marked that down in my calender as a day of rejoicement. I'm going to celebrate it with a cake with her face on it, but instead of eating it, we smash it. Okay? You can do a lot better. You deserve a lot better, Kirky.

Kirk I thank you, but I've seen what's out there and I don't think it gets any better.

Jack When have you been out there? When have you left the apartment?

Kirk I went out on four different dates, with three girls and that guy. I don't know what his intentions were, but it's fine. We had a great conversation. I think he was just looking for a friend.

Jack Do you know what your problem is, Kirk?

Kirk What?

Jack You're a moodle.

Kirk A moodle?

Jack A man poodle. Girls, they want to take you out on a walk. They want to feed you, they want to cuddle you, but make no mistake, no girl wants to do the moodle.

Stainer No one would ever fuck a moodle.

Jack No, he's right. I'm telling you, if you want to get Marnie back, she has got to believe that from the second she broke up with you, your life has been a non-stop snatch parade.

Devon Or... you could just be who you are. Why can't that be good enough?

Stainer Why don't you just put your fucking balls in here?

[holding earring box]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

She's Out of My League

Unexpected Relationships and Humorous Doubts

Stainer Okay now I know you've gone crazy. You are telling me the hottest chick I've ever met in my life wants you, and the Hamburglar wasn't into me? Listen to yourself... FUCK YOU.

Devon It is a pretty impressive catch, Kirkey.

Stainer Yeah, the day that happens is the day Jack sleeps with your wife. What? Did that already happen?

[shocked silence]

Devon We weren't technically dating yet.

Stainer My bad.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

She's Out of My League

Misunderstandings About Relationships and Breakups

Kirk Devon, why would you tell her that I broke up with Molly?

Devon Cause I thought you had.

Kirk No. We're just in a sticky wicket.

Stainer A "sticky wicket"?

Kirk Yeah. A rough patch. Rough pumpkins.

Stainer And how many times have you called her?

Kirk Five.

Stainer And how many times have you really called her?

Kirk Seventeen.

Stainer It's done. Tao of Love.

Kirk What?

Stainer That's what I call it. The Tao of Love. You being with Molly defies, like, forces of nature. It's over man.

Kirk No. It's not over. Frankly, I'm sick of all you guys pretending like you know where I'm coming from. None of you know what I'm going through right now.

Stainer Tina Jordan does.

Kirk Who the hell is Tina Jordan?

Stainer She was my Molly.

Kirk You never mentioned her.

Stainer I didn't want to jinx it. But she was perfect. Yeah, perfect. Freckled shoulders. Anyway, two months into it, bam, she dumps me. I shoulda seen it coming too, cause she was a ten. Like a hard ten. I was a six, possibly a seven. Either way, I couldn't cover the spread. The universe spoke and I was depressed for months.

Kirk That's what that was? You said you had mono.

Stainer Yeah. Mono of the heart.

Jack Oh, my God, how's your vagina?

Stainer Shut up, Jack!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

She's Out of My League

Comparing Jack to Yoda in a humorous way

Devon You're like Yoda.

Jack I know.

Devon You're like... Sex Yoda.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

She's Out of My League

Exploring Masculinity and Perceptions of Gayness

Kirk So how is this not gay?

Devon I think there's nothing gay about it. The fact that you're letting a straight, married man shave your testicles...I think that makes you one of the most macho guys alive.

Kirk There is some logic in that...

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

She's Out of My League

Belief in Possibility and Relationships

Jack Dude, forget Stainer. All right? I think you could get her back.

Stainer OK, then why don't you look Kirk in the eyes and tell him that you believe he's gonna end up with Molly. Just tell him that.

Jack Fine. Kirky, I truly believe that... I mean, I think anything is possible.

Kirk Anything is possible"?

Devon Come on! Like there's a million examples of guys like Kirky ending up with a beautiful woman.

Stainer Such as?

Devon ] and ].

[[w:Lyle Lovett|Lyle Lovett; [Julia Roberts]

Jack Right. Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear. Then he went on to ].

[[Denise Richards]

Stainer All recording artists. Normal rules don't apply to those guys. Kirk, as soon as you record an album and it goes platinum, you can push your meat into any human being you want.

Jack OK, OK, OK. ] and ].

[[King Kong (2005 film)|King Kong; [Naomi Watts]

Stainer They never consummated. Totally platonic relationship.

Jack Stephen Hawking and his lady nurse.

Stainer He's the master of space and time! He knows about black holes and shit.

Devon What about the President of France and that girl that went out with ]?

[[Mick Jagger]

Stainer He knows about wine. And he has a French accent. He could probably French kiss like a motherfucker.

Devon Wait a second... The Beast.

Stainer Who?

Devon The Beast from ]. Beast won Beauty's love and he wasn't rich or a recording artist. Though, he did have an amazing voice.

[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]

Stainer OK, Devon, that's a cartoon. But yes, that's one. One out of a million.

Devon You know what, Stainer? All it takes is one. Man, you... You guys sit here and talk about relationships but the truth is, I'm the only one here that's married. Yeah, and I'm tired of you guys busting my nuggets cause I've only been with one girl. It's cause she was the right girl! That's why I married her! So, Kirky, let me tell you something, if Molly is the right girl, that's all that matters. You just, you stand up. You stand up. You get in front of her. You get right in front of her and you say, "Hey, I am Kirk Kettner, and I am right here, standing in front of you... right here. Here I am." Something like that.

Stainer Power of love.

Jack Very... perfect.

Kirk Beautiful.

Devon Thank you. I was in debate, junior/senior year. I don't know if you guys remember that.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Get Smart

Unexpected Encounter and Unpleasant Odor

Maxwell Smart Bruce! Lloyd! What happened here... and what is that ungodly smell?

Lloyd Fear.

[whimpering]

Agent 99 Freeze!

Maxwell Smart Freeze.

Agent 99 No, you freeze!

Maxwell Smart You freeze.

Agent 99 I told you to freeze!

Maxwell Smart Freeze, times infinity.

Agent 99 Oh, my God! You!

[turns Max around so that he's facing her, and they recognize each other]

Maxwell Smart You.

Agent 99 Are you CONTROL?

Maxwell Smart Yes I am. I'm Maxwell Smart. I am a CONTROL analyst. Who are you?

[beat]

Agent 99 I'm Agent 99.

Maxwell Smart Oh, my lord, you are Agent 99? I am a huge fan!

Agent 99 Thank you.

She's Out of My League

Miscommunication with the Museum Director

Museum Director Can I see your invitation?

Kirk Can I see your invitation?

Devon Probably not the best thing to say to the Museum Director.

She's Out of My League

Curiosity About Attraction and Social Media

Devon Hey, did she say anything about Wendy thinking I'm hot?

Kirk No.

Devon Shoot, I wonder if she is on Facebook?

Kirk Devon, you're on Facebook?

Devon Yeah... I got like 37 friends.

She's Out of My League

Debating Kirk's Attractiveness Among Friends

Stainer I love Kirky, but let's face it, the guy's a five.

Devon Stainer, that's just a dirty pool. He's at least a six.

Stainer A six? Alright you go ahead and pump rainbows into his asshole. I'm just being honest.

Jack Come on, cut him some slack. Look. Half a point because he's a nice guy. Right? And he's funny, so that's half a point each. That brings him to six. Devon's right.

Stainer But he drives a shitbox, deduct a point. Take a point off.

Kirk Wait, what's wrong with my Neon?

Stainer Oh, I don't know. Except the people who make that car don't even like it. So, we're back to a five.

Jack Five.

Stainer Meanwhile, this Molly, is a hard ten. And that five point disparity, that's a chasm. Chasm? Chasm. You can't jump more than two points.

Kirk Where do you get this shit?

Stainer Trust me, Kirk. I can't even get a ten.

Jack Oh, not even you, huh?

[chuckles]

Stainer I'm a six, okay?

Jack Bullshit, you're a six. Then what am I?

Stainer You're an eight.

Jack Okay, you're a six then.

Stainer But I get a one point bump because I'm in a band.

Kirk Stainer, you're in a Hall and Oates cover band. I'm pretty sure that's a deducation.

Stainer Adult Education is a tribute band. So that puts me back at seven. On a good day, the best I can bag is a nine.

Kirk What about your crappy car?

Stainer Artist's exemption. I'm expected to have a shitty car.

Jack Is there an artist exemption for talking out your ass?

Stainer Yeah, it's called being a rock star, Jack! Look it up in the dictionary. It's there. It's right next to "fuck you"!

Devon I think this system's ridiculous. All right? If someone really loves you, then you are a ten.

Jack My God. What are you, ]? Because nothing you are saying right now is of any help to Kirk.

[[Hannah Montana]

Memorable Quotes from Nate Torrence