Nathan Fillion Quotes

Bill Pardy I will never understand what joy a grown man gets using a $1,000 weapon to blow the face off a cute little deer.

Bill Pardy Hey, Starla. You remember that time we were kids and you came knocking on my window in the middle of the night? So Starla here, 12. I guess I was 14. I said, "Starla, what the hell are you doing out there?" She says that she's gonna run away to Hollywood and be a big star. And she knew I was in the ROTC, so she says she needs a bodyguard and invites me to come along. And I said, "Starla, if there's anyone who can take care of herself, "I think it's you. I'm gonna have to decline.

Wally Whale How far did you get?

Starla Grant About the bus stop. Because Ranger Rick here called my dad.

Wally Whale Damn. A cop from the get-go. You son of a bitch!

Starla Grant You fucked up our fame and fortune there, Bill Pardy.

Bill Pardy Yeah. Yeah, I guess maybe I did.

Jack McReady Well, it's obvious the bastard's got Lyme disease.

Bill Pardy What?

Jack McReady Lyme disease. You touch some deer feces and then you eat a sandwich without washing your hands, you got your Lyme disease.

Bill Pardy And that makes you look like a squid?

Jack McReady Well, fuck you all for laughing.

Bill Pardy I reckon Grant ain't got one of them puppy calendars on his desk. He just don't strike me as a real dog lover, is all.

Bill Pardy Well, now that is some fucked up shit.

Bill Pardy Grant looks like a squid, don't know where he's gonna hide... Seaworld maybe.

Starla Grant Bet you regret not running off with me to Hollywood now, hey, Bill?

Bill Pardy Oh, hell, Starla, I always regretted that.

Jack McReady Town Council lit a Roman candle, stuck it up my ass!

Bill Pardy Jack, your leisure activities ain't my business.

Wally Whale Surprised you're able to lift a mug, you've been carrying that torch for so long.

Bill Pardy Oh, that reminds me of something I want to tell you.

Wally Whale What's that?

Bill Pardy Fuck you, fat ass.

Bill Pardy My easygoing nature is getting sorely fucking tested.

Bill Pardy Two nights ago, a mare was stolen from this property owned by Fitzgibbon. That rancher with the cleft palate?

Wally Whale Yeah. I know that guy. He looks like a chipmunk.

Bill Pardy Your mama weren't too proud when you came out neither, Wally.

Jack McCready Where is the Mr. Pibb? I told your secretary to pack Mr. Pibb. It's the only Coke I like. Goddamn Brenda exploding like a water balloon and worms driving my friends around like they're goddamn skin-cars. People are spitting acid at me, turning you into cottage cheese, and now there's no fucking goddamn Mr. Pibb!

Bill Pardy Jesus Christ, Jack. Let me get right on it.

Kylie Strutemyer What are we gonna do now?

Bill Pardy Probably turn into a couple of these fucked-up things.

Kylie Strutemyer That's kind of negative.

Bill Pardy Well, it's been that sort of day.

Starla Grant You're just sick. We're just here to take you to get some help. Right now. And I'm gonna stay by you. Just like I swore I would. For better or worse.

Bill Pardy Much fuckin worse...

Jack McCready He's a goddamn Martian?

Bill Pardy Martians is from Mars, Jack.

Jack McCready Or it's a general term meaning "outer space fucker.

Bill Pardy No, it isn't.

Jack McCready Look it up, cocksucker.