Memorable Quotes from Nathan Lane
42 quotesMax Bialystock's Frustration with a Character
Max Bialystock
What are you shooting at us for, you teutonic TWIT?!
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A Bold Promise of Adventure
Max Bialystock
I'll send you to the moon Thursday. I may even join you.
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The Inevitable Fall from Success
Ernie Smuntz
Yeah, I was on top once, too. And there's only one way to go from there, and that's down, baby! Down!
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A Defiant Farewell to a Mouse
Ernie Smuntz
Hasta la vista, you little rat bastard!
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The Importance of Active Perception and Exploration
Phil Webster
Virgil - look - you have to learn to see - just like you learned to speak. Only this is not like learning a new language - it's like learning language for the first time. Perception - sight - life, is about experience - about reaching out and exploring the world for yourself. It's not enough to just see Virgil—we've got to look as well.
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Creative Culinary Ideas and Marketing Discussion
Ernie Smuntz
Here you go, knock yourself out. No good, huh? Otis, more curry! Okay, try this one. Eh? It's mozzarella and herring. You can taste the herring, right? I've also got a great idea for a caviar-brie swirl and a peanut butter and jelly-provolone for the kids. But I really want to talk about marketing. You should be our spokesperson. I know ] and it seemed to work out pretty well...
[Doing taste tests with the mouse; The mouse takes a bite of the string cheese and throws it down; He gives him the next string cheese; The mouse eats it all up; [w:The Walt Disney Company|some people who have used a mouse as a spokesperson]
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Unexpected Observations on John Wayne's Walk
Albert
No good?
Armand
Actually, it's perfect. I just never realized John Wayne walked like that.
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Escape Before It's Too Late
Max Bialystock
Let's get out of here before they kill us.
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Questioning a Lack of Rhythm
Max Bialystock
What are you in for, lack of rhythm?
[to a prisoner in Sing Sing]
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A Unique Ovation from a Seated Audience
Max Bialystock
Even though we're sitting down, we're giving you a standing ovation.
[to Ulla]
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Max Bialystock's Rhetorical Conversation Moment
Max Bialystock
Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation!
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Gender Dynamics and Miscommunication in Relationships
Albert
Don't use that tone to me!
Armand
What tone?
Albert
That sarcastic contemptuous tone that means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman.
Armand
You're not a woman.
Albert
Oh, you (using the other bad word)!
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Chewing Gum and Creative Thinking
Celsius
Chewing gum helps me think.
Albert
Sweetie, you're wasting your gum!
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Self-Perception and Hidden Depths
Max Bialystock
There's a lot more to you than there is to you! What the fuck?
[mouthed]
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Family Dynamics and Identity in The Birdcage
Albert
Maybe it is great to introduce me as his mother on the first visit. Could you tell him I was a relative who dropped in? Val's uncle, Uncle Al!
Armand
What's the point? You'd be Val's (using the other bad word) Uncle Al.
Albert
Oh, I could play it straight!
Armand
Oh please, look at you! Look at the way you're holding your glass! Look at your pinky! Look at your posture!
Albert
What? What about you? You're obviously not a cultural... whatever it is. You've never been to a museum, and you eat like a pig!
Armand
Albert, these people are right-wing conservatives. They don't care if you're a pig, they just care if you're a fag!... Ah, (using the other bad word) em! Of course you can pass as an uncle!
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Limbo and New Jersey: A Comparison
Phil Webster
Limbo is like New Jersey. You can see all the good stuff, you just have to get there.
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Desire for Financial Gain
Max Bialystock
Dear Lord... I want that money!
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Desire for Younger Guests on the Couch
Max Bialystock
For once, I would love to see someone on that couch who's under eighty-five!
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A Letter from Rio to Max
Max Bialystock
Dear Max, Rio is everything you said it was and more. Ulla and i think of you every chance we get. In the morning, when we have Breakfast on our Terrace, many different Herrings. In the afternoon, we rub each other's sun-drenched bodies with Banana Cream Coconut Oil, Number 15. And then, in the evening, when we samba together in the moonlight.... Sorry, must run, Ulla's waiting. It's almost 11, wish you were here. Your pal, Leo!
[reading a postcard]
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Questioning Intentions in a Tense Moment
Ernie Smuntz
Are you trying to kill me?!!
[when Lars accidentally smacks Ernie's hand with a hammer]
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Unusual Mouse Encounter Acknowledged by Ernie Smuntz
Ernie Smuntz
I don't think we're dealing with an ordinary mouse.
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Reflecting on Mistakes in The Producers
Max Bialystock
We got the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did we go right?
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Forgotten Details in a Box
Ernie Smuntz
] in Havana, Cuba] Aw... I forgot to put holes in the box!
[holding a tiny box, addressed to [[w:Fidel Castro|Fidel Castro; He chuckles evilly]
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Frustration Over a Disappointing Sandwich Experience
Ernie Smuntz
No capers? But that's just grilled cheese. What's the point? Why don't they eat out of a trough? Alright! Which one of you palateless sheep sent my sandwich back?
[He rings a counter-bell, looking around at the diner's customers]
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Frustration with a foolish mistake
Ernie Smuntz
What are you doing, ya stupid nitwit?!
[when Lars accidentally hits Ernie with a broom]
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The Importance of a Smile and Sanity
Max Bialystock
Well, you know what they say: "smile and the world smiles with you." This man should be in a straightjacket!
[To Leo; to bust]
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Max Bialystock's Audition Directive
Max Bialystock
Please make audition - make audition allll over the office.
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Weighing Choices in Unusual Situations
Ernie Smuntz
I told you, you should have weighed him.
[Upon seeing the box, returned for insufficient postage]
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The Allure of Opportunity
Max Bialystock
Smell it. Touch it. Kiss it. Kiss it! It's the mother lode...
[holding play]
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Holiday Break and Religious Beliefs Discussed
Ed Chapman
Why isn't she in school?
Angie Vega
I'm off for the holidays.
Ed Chapman
Christmas is two weeks away.
Angie Vega
I'm very religious, you got a problem with that?
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Concealing the Truth in Plain Sight
Max Bialystock
...She painted over the numbers...
[After Ulla has painted the entire room white, he goes to the safe with the tax books]
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Self-Perception and Relationship Dynamics
Albert
Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING!
Armand
I made you short?
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Demand for Books Amidst Nervous Energy
Max Bialystock
Leo, you are nervous, over-stimulated. GIVE ME THOSE FRIGGIN BOOKS!
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Escaping to Equality in Los Copa
Albert
Oh yes, another jibe, another joke at my expense. You were probably laughing at me with Katharine, too. Well, why not? I'm not young, I'm not new, and everyone laughs at me. I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I am. I've been thinking that the only solution is to go where no one is ridiculous and everyone is equal. Goodbye, Armand.
Armand
All right, I'll bite, where are you going?
Albert
To Los Copa.
Armand
Los Copa? There's nothing in Los Copa but a cemetery.
Albert
I know, that's why I'm packing light.
Armand
Oh I see, so you're going to a cemetery with your toothbrush. How ].
[[Egypt|Egyptian]
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Desire for Intimacy and Connection
Max Bialystock
Hold me touch me, where is hold me touch me...Hold me touch me, Hold me touch me... Kiss me feel me, Lick me bite me, Yank me spank me, Suck me fu... ah! Hold me touch me!
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Identifying a Controversial Character in The Producers
Max Bialystock
THAT'S OUR HITLER!
[after seeing Franz perform at the auditions]
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Transformation and Discontent in The Producers
Max Bialystock
As Gregor Samsa woke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a giant cock-a-roach. Nah, too good.
[reading a play; speaking]
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A Humorous Departure with a Taxi Call
Max Bialystock
And now I'll be on me way, before me voice gets any higher! As we say in the old country... TAXI!
[with a very high Irish accent; normal voice]
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Identity Crisis in a Moment of Despair
Max Bialystock
I'm drowning here! I'm going down for the last time! I... I... I see my whole life flashing before my eyes! I see a weathered old farmhouse... With a white picket fence... I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex. No Rex, not on the alfalfa! And I see my mother... I see Mama, standing on the back porch, in a worn but clean gingham gown... And I hear my mama calling out to me..."Alvin, don't forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin and the cows need a-milkin'! Alvin! Alvin!"... Wait a minute. My name's not Alvin. That's not my life. Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT?! I'm not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx! Leo's taken everything... even my past!
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Mixed Emotions Over a Controversial Sports Call
Armand
Al, you old (using the other bad word)! How ya doin'? How do you feel about that call today? I mean the Dolphins! Fourth-and-three play on their 30 yard line with only 34 seconds to go!
Albert
How do you think I feel? Betrayed, bewildered... wrong response?
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Navigating Family Expectations and Personal Identities
Armand
Val's fiancée is coming tonight with her parents, and we thought... we thought it would be better if you wasn't here.
Albert
I see... I see.
Val
It's just for tonight.
Albert
I understand, it's just while people are here.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration over lost lucky charm
Ernie Smuntz
Pop's lucky string! That son of a bitch ate it!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.