Nigel Lindsay Quotes

Jason Cresswell So, are you on your way out?

Pat Farrell You tell me.

Faisal And there's this voice "Can I have 12 bottles of bleach please?

Barry What's that?

Faisal A woman's voice, for like dying her hair and that.

Barry Oh yeah and her beard.

Faisal What?

Barry You've got a fucking beard Faisal.

Faisal I covered it.

Barry Why did she have her hands over her face?

Faisal Because she's got a beard.

Jason Cresswell Never take your eye off the ball, Pat. First rule of business. Second rule of business, always be prepared for an opportunity when it arises, like I was just then. Yeah. Course I wouldn't expect you to understand that. It's Darwinian. You're a runt.

Pat Farrell Is that what you think, Alan?

Alan Partridge I wouldn't quite, you know, use those words. Well, I think... I think... The sort of the gist of what, you know...

Pat Farrell I just don't like bullies.

Jason Cresswell All I need to know is can you handle it?

Alan Partridge Well, er... Would you ask that of a man who'd gone paintballing, realized he'd left his goggles at reception but carried on anyway?

Jason Cresswell Why?

Alan Partridge You're looking at him.

Omar I thought you said you'd fixed it!

Barry It's the car parts, they're Jewish!

Omar What parts in a car are Jewish?

Faisal Spark plugs?

Barry That's it, spark plugs! Jews invented spark plugs to control global traffic!

Barry Might bomb a mosque.

Omar Barry, we're not bombing a mosque.

Barry You don't get it, do you Omar? We radicalize the moderates, the Ummah rises up, it all kicks off!

Omar No, I do get it. I'll tell you what it's like. It's like getting into a fight with someone, and they're punching you in the face, right? Right? And so what you'd gon do right, you punch yourself in the face!

Jason Cresswell Seriously, did you give her one?

Alan Partridge Well, I... I gave her a ruddy big kiss she won't forget in a hurry. Hand on the outside of the bra. Er... you know, reconnaissance. And then I just held her in my arms because told me she never knew her mother, and I said, "Well, my mother raised me and lived to a ripe old age. But guess what? I never really knew her." Erm... and... To get back on track, erm...

Jason Cresswell Change is healthy, you shouldn't fear it.

Alan Partridge I'm not scared of anything. Not even an elephant, which is interesting, because there's one in this room.