Oliver Hardy Quotes

The Bohemian Girl

Accusations of Infidelity and Skepticism

Stanley You know what?

Ollie What?

Stanley I'm not going to say anything until I get positive proof, but I just saw Devilshoof kissing your wife.

Ollie Ha-ha. Ridiculous!

Stanley Do you believe me or believe what I see?

Ollie Nothing of the kind.

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Way Out West

A Question of Ideas and Acceptance

Stan Do you mind if I have another idea?

Ollie If it's anything like the last one, YES!

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Way Out West

Secrets of a Gold Mine Revealed

Mickey Finn I'm Mary's legal guardian. What do you want to see her for?

Ollie Well, sir, we aren't supposed to talk about that to anyone else.

[smiling and shutting his eyes in his famous charming disarming way]

Stan Yeah, you see, it's PRIVATE. Her father died and left her a gold mine, and we're not supposed tell it to anyone but her, right Ollie?

Ollie Now that he's taken you into our CONFIDENCE...You might as well know the rest!

[glaring at Stan]

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Great Guns

Unexpected Responses in Tense Conversation

Sgt. Hippo What did I ever do to deserve a couple of yaps like you?

Stan Maybe you were good to your mother.

Sgt. Hippo Pipe down!

Stan Yes, sir.

Sgt. Hippo Now at 10:00 you're all going over for an IQ test, and according to the answers you give, you'll be classified in a job.

Stan Swell! We're good at quizes, aren't we, Ollie?

Oliver Maybe they'll put me in the intelligence "corpse".

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Nothing But Trouble

Confronting Fears: A Lion's Perspective

Oliver Well, there's nothing to it. All you have to do is look the lion straight in the eyes. Lions are afraid of that. I read that in a book.

Stan But did the lion read the book?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Bohemian Girl

Communication Breakdown in Relationships

Ollie Hello, honey.

Ollie's Wife Don't honey me, you big bag of suet! I told you five minutes ago not to talk to me. I told you an hour ago. I told you a week ago!

Stan Yeah, and you told him a year ago too. Didn't you?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Chump at Oxford

Departure Plans Between Friends

Stan Ollie, where ya goin'?

Ollie Back to America for me!

Stan Ollie?

Ollie What?

Stan You're going without me...

[starts to cry]

Ollie Stan! You know me!

Stan Well, of course I know you... What do you have, one of those dizzy spells?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Bohemian Girl

The Importance of Broad-Mindedness in Marriage

Ollie Don't you understand that a man to be married nowadays, must be broad-minded.

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The Bohemian Girl

A Familiar Blame in a Sticky Situation

Ollie Well, Here's another nice mess you've gotten me into! Hmm!

[as a giant]

Stanley But I couldn't help it! You've always picked on me!

[as a dwarf]

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The Devil's Brother

A Plan for Easy Wealth

Ollio Now we've got to start all over again - right at the bottom!

Stanlio Why don't we start at the top?

Ollio Whaddaya mean?

Stanlio Well, why don't we become bandits? Then we wouldn't have to work hard anymore. Let's get it the easy way. We could rob the rich and give them to the poor, and we could have all...

Ollio That's the first time you've shown any intelligence.

[Interrupting him]

Stanlio Well, it's the first time you've listened to me. You know if you listened to me, in a while you'd be a lot better off. But one thing worries me. We don't know anything about being bandits.

Ollio Why, we can become bandits. It's simple. It doesn't require any brains!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Bohemian Girl

A Question of Parentage and Privacy

Ollie's Wife What?

Ollie Who's kid is that?

Ollie's Wife It's none of your business.

Ollie What do you mean it's none of my business? I demand to know who she is!

Ollie's Wife Well, if you must know, she's yours!

Ollie Mine? Well, why didn't you tell me before?

[smiles]

Ollie's Wife Because I didn't want her to know who her father was, till she was old enough to stand the shock.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Bohemian Girl

Betrayal and Gratitude in Friendship

Ollie Aren't you ashamed of yourself? After all I've done for you. I took you out of the gutter and gave you a career. Made a first class pickpocket out of you. And this is your gratitude? It hurts, Stanley. I tell you, it hurts.

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The Devil's Brother

Love and Regret in Relationships

Stanlio Try and put yourself in my place.

[Ordered to hang Ollio or be killed himself]

Ollio I wish I could.

Stanlio Ollio, do you remember that girl you were very much in love with?A nd she wouldn't marry you because she heard you had a son?

Ollio Yes?

Stanlio Well, I was to blame for that. I told her I was your son!

Ollio Hurry up and get this over with! You're wasting my time!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Nothing But Trouble

Confronting Fear and Indifference to Death

Oliver Come Stanley, let no one say that we were afraid to die.

Stan I don't care who says it.

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A Chump at Oxford

Misunderstanding at the College Entrance

Student Pardon me sir, but haven't you come to the wrong college?

Ollie This is Oxford isn't it?

Student Yes but, you're dressed for Eton

Stan Just as well, we haven't eaten since breakfast

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Way Out West

Confusion Over Identity in Way Out West

Ollie Did you hear what she said her name was?

[Stan and Ollie stop walking, Ollie does a double take]

Stan Sure, Mary Roberts.

Ollie How can she be Mary Roberts when we've just given the deed to Mary Roberts?

Stan I don't know.

[crushes a cigar butt with his shoe]

Ollie I smell a rat.

Stan I smell something too.

[discovers his shoe is smoking from the cigar butt, dunks his feet into the janitor's water pail]

Ollie Come on.

Ollie Pardon me, did you ever have a father by the name of Cy Roberts?

Mary Roberts Why, yes. He left me here with these people years ago when he went prospecting.

Ollie Well, who's that woman upstairs?

Mary Roberts That's Lola Marcel, Mr. Finn's wife. She's my legal guardian now.

Stan Can I speak to you for a minute?

Ollie Pardon us.

Stan Yeah, we'll be right back.

Stan You know what?

Ollie What?

Stan I think we've given that deed to the wrong woman. That's the first mistake we've made since that guy sold us the Brooklyn Bridge.

Ollie Oh, buying that bridge was no mistake. That's gonna be worth a lot of money to us someday.

Stan Well, maybe you're right. We'd better go and get the deed.

Ollie Say, maybe they won't give it back to us.

Stan What do you mean, they won't give it back to us? We'll get that deed, or I'll eat your hat.

Ollie That's what I call determination.

Way Out West

A Hat Eating Challenge is Proposed

Stan Your hat's dry.

Ollie Oh that reminds me, you made a statement this afternoon.

Stan Did I?

Ollie Mmm-hmmm. You said if we didn't get the deed, you'd eat my hat.

Stan Oh, now you're taking me literally.

Ollie Nevertheless, I'm going to teach you not to make rash promises.

Ollie Eat the hat.

Stan Oh that's silly. Whoever heard of anybody eating a hat?

Ollie Whoever heard of anybody doing that.

Ollie Eat the hat!

Stan I won't do it.

[Gives it back]

Ollie If you don't eat that hat, I'll tie you to a tree and let the buzzards get you!

[Slams it back in his lap]

Stan Would you really do that?

Ollie I certainly would. Eat it.

Great Guns

Assignment of a Porter and Schedule Adjustments

Stan Look, they've assigned us a porter.

[Hippo lights his pipe with an exploded shell and gets soot all over his face]

Oliver You may start over here, my good man, and you may have Thursdays off.

Stan Twice a week.

A Chump at Oxford

Dizzy Spell Humor in A Chump at Oxford

Stan Look, he's having one of those dizzy spells.

[Pointing to Wilfred Lucas]

Ollie Yeah, he's a Dizzy Dean!

Memorable Quotes from Oliver Hardy